DS is not happy

[Pooh]

What a tough spot.  I don't even know how you will remain neutral.  Just giving him somewhere to lay his head puts you in the middle.  Not that I wouldn't do the same thing, but it will.

Now I'm going to be the downer here.  A caution against grandparents' rights from one who has been there and is still there.  Every state is different, and very few of them even have them on the books.  We do here, but they are very strict circumstances that grant them.  An established relationship with a GC and it's not about divorce, it's about someones passing.  If something happened to my DS AND I had an established relationship with the child, then and only then could I seek them.  It would also have to be decided by a Judge if not seeing the GC, would be detrimental to the child.  Ok, so it's based on opinion and we all know, we could go round and round on that one.  So check with an attorney first before you even consider it.

Also, a father has rights, but the law favors the Mother unless their is abuse.  My DS has done everything right and still hasn't seen his DD in over two years.  The M can stall, deflect and be in contempt for a long time to delay visits.  Got that t-shirt as well. 

I just want to throw the reality in here for you to research and ponder on if you do end up getting involved with helping him.  I was just getting ready to start my own post on this as my circumstances have just changed.

[themuffin]

Good Morning ladies,

   LOL, Doe, you are so right!! Rarely a dull moment!

   Pooh, Gosh am I glad I remained neutral.  DS left my home Sat. afternoon and said that he was going home to get his work clothes and go to work. He had less than an hour to get there so I doubt there was any time for arguing.  Of course, once reaching home he may not have made it at all, but I know he really needs this job and wouldn't stay home unless he absolutely had to.  Anyhoo, I didn't hear from him until yesterday.  I tried to call him on Sunday, but only to tell him that I had found some medication he was looking for. It went straight to voicemail.  Hubby and thought she may have broken his phone again. She's famous for doing that.  Finally, he calls me yesterday.  I missed the call but called him back a few minutes later. FDIL answers the phone.  I say hello, how are you...she says fine.  I ask if it was she who called or DS.  She said it must have been him and calls him..."Babe...telephone"....DS, "Who is it?"...FDIL,"It's your mother." 

  Okay.....Ummm...if I wasn't there, if I didn't see DS's hands swollen like the nutty professor's when he was fat, and if I personally didn't get the call from FDIL telling me about how son flipped and she might not be able to be with him, I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY.  She put DS on the phone and I told him I found the meds, and he said thanks and it was like NOTHING had ever happened!!!

    And I'm not at all surprised. I've seen them do this before.  Gosh, but I'm glad I've grown wiser and learned not to take sides. 

     Regarding grandparents rights, I have no idea what they are in my state, but I would not have attempted to enforce them.  I just couldn't do that to my grandchild.  I imagine it would be quite an unpleasant experience for a child to be in the middle of.  Besides, this is their child. I don't want to do anything that would depreciate any of the joy being a parent brings (at least while they are little :0).  I'm pretty sure that I'll get pictures and occasional visits. It would be nice to have more, but that's good enough for me.  FDIL had told me a while ago that she and DS were planning to move far away just so I would have limited contact with the grandkids.  That bothered me a little, but it also made me a little cold.  So now when I think of not having a close relationship with GC I'll just imagine that they live far away.

 

   

[Pen]

Thinking of you all...hoping when the time comes for DS & DIL we can avoid the drama & heartache so many go through.

[firelight]

Pooh, that's a real eye opener.  thanks for the info.....
but in reality, I doubt I could find the energy or the will to fight for those sorts of rights.....that would make an already rough situation even worse on all involved just for the sake of a "visit". 

themuffin,  "FDIL had told me a while ago that she and DS were planning to move far away just so I would have limited contact with the grandkids."  I can't imagine someone saying that sort of garbage to anyone and I feel for spouses who put themselves in realtionships with these types of cruel people.  Their roads are going to be very long and hard.  If I heard that come out of my spouses mouth in a serious manner, I'd have to give him his freedom.....to be alone!

[themuffin]

Thanks Pen....I wish the same for all of us here as well.

Good Morning Firelight!   Yep, she said it.  And it truly was a despicable, disgusting thing to say.  But by this time she had told me so much of what DS was saying about me that it seemed like a little thing in comparison.  I have to say that I was far more upset with DS than with FDIL.  If you'll recall DS had told her and her family that charming little story about how I told him it was okay that he was dumb as dirt because he was well endowed (well, not in exactly those words).  It did come off as quite perverted.  I could understand her feeling that way (heck, I think I would have even felt that way if I thought it was true), but him???  He's the one who made up the entire story. They both agreed that they should move far away and he knew it was a lie.  She didn't.  So quite honestly, I wasn't upset with her, but quite ticked at DS!!!   He's since apologized and said he must have remembered wrong.  No??? Really??? Sheesh, the things they come up with.
 

[firelight]

LOL....and here we are scratching our heads once again .......what planet do these people (including our AC) come from? 

*HUGS*

[firelight]

p.s.  I have to say though, themuffin, that unless your DS admitted to saying all that "stuff' DIL said he said, I'd question whether it actually came out of his mouth.......she sounds like a piece of work.....

sounds like you already did your homework on it though and you believe he said it all.....

I'd rather be fishin' that deal with my DD's mess right now.     Won't be long and the bluegills will be on their beds here where I live....
between that and gardening, I'm just gonna "fuget aboud it"....   

[themuffin]

Hi Firelight,

   FDIL has been known to tell her tales, but that lie I heard from DS's mouth.  I don't think I would have believed that he was capable of saying something so vile if I didn't hear it from his very mouth!

   LOL, gardening, reading, dollhouses, and all the many other positive things I could be doing lead me to say the same thing!! "Fuget aboud it!!"  Besides, I'm done.  My kids are all grown.  The youngest turned 21 today.  DS will soon be a parent and I can't wait for him to get a taste of it! He shall learn..LOL!

[firelight]

And all the momma's said:  "uh-huh!!!"   

[Pooh]

Uh-HUHHHHH!

[shorewil]

Hi, muffin - Don't be too "enabling " by giving him an extended place to crash- they need to work this out - couples / marriage counseling sort of thing.You are right to stay neutral. Hopefully, that new little baby will work some magic and "knit" the two families ! Love that you bought the little table and chairs- but do keep it at your house !
As for DS- I think back to when I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me - I went right to his parents and they offered to put a private detective on him - that's how much they wanted to believe "not my son". It must be very ,very difficult to see such problems in your own child.  Our extended family was never the same and I know that when we divorced  it was the saddest day of their lives - they are both gone now, but never showed much respect for their son again. They did always see my children , though. Hopefully, your son will get some help and the baby will come  and all will "live happily ever after ". God Bless !

[firelight]

Gosh, shorewil,

love the part about not being too "enabling" by giving an extended place to crash......I just informed my DD yesterday that I will be taking back the master bedroom (just as soon as I muster up enough energy to move all this stuff again) that I gave up for her and my GD.  I find it stupid for me to have packed myself into the spare small room while they barely stay here.  I initially gave it up in hopes that she would come here and get her life together.....  I wouldn't have given it up had I known it was just going to be her "storage unit" (and a messy one at that) and a place to run to here and there repeatedly.  I informed her she can use the spare room for when she and GD when they want to "visit".   I also have a basement full of all DD's and SIL's belongings and I don't see any light on the horizon for them to get it out.  She was informed over winter that she can count on having it out by spring or she can go through it all and we can dispose whatever she doesn't want.  My DH has sacrificed working on finishing our basement to make room for all their crap.  And there it sits and my SIL still hasn't tried to find much work.  The party is darned near over for us here in "parents of AC world". 

I could just kick myself for constantly giving up everything for an AC who is just confused in her life and continuously making bad choices.  Who would have thought that transition from our AC childhood to adulthood would be so hard for us moms.  She is 25 yrs old for Pete's sake, not 10 and SIL is 29.  I think it's me and not her who is having the roughest adjustment.  "Enabling" helps no one and only feeds the dysfunctional fire.   

Now, if I could just find that energy I had moving out of my master bedroom when I was "trying to help".  It's so much work just to move one room to another.  uuugghhh.  Might have to buy me a couple of those 5 hr energy drinks and put some coffee on to get this done.  In fact, for some motivation I may go ahead and purchase a brand new bedspread and curtains for my old new bedroom!  That should give me a tiny bit of incentive to get it back into gear.  Truth is, my DD and SIL have plum wore me out menally, physically, and emotionally so it will take some doing, but I plan on taking my life back now.   I have made my own bed hard and feel resentful for the choices I made regarding this situation.  I think taking my life back will ease that resentment (that is not DD's fault but my own for allowing such things) and hold her accountable for her own choices in her life.   Why does this stuff take so long to learn.

[luise.volta]

Good for you! We only "get it" when we do. You're going to be fine. Your energy and love of life will come back as you honor yourself and stop the abuse. Sending love...

[JaneF]

It's really kind of good when we reach that  "AHA" stage!  lol  Made me shake my head and think...good grief, what was I thinking!  Sounds like there are several great ladies that have been reaching a new stage of awareness.  It's so good to be able to come and read and share and give support to each other when we all need it badly huh?  Thanks Luise!   J

[luise.volta]

You're welcome, J. I get a lot of support here, too. At my age, (85 in two weeks,) and alone since Val went to nursing…it is a huge blessing for me to have a cyber-family. Sending love...