A question about gifts.

[lancaster lady]

I never ever received anything from my MIL ! Nor did my kids. Yet because she was my husbands mother I continued to send her gifts . Eventually I got.fed up and stopped . As she never mentioned getting the gifts , she didn't say anything when after twenty years I stopped . I think my DH finally saw through all her lack of interest in his family for the nasty woman she really was . Her loss !

[Pooh]

My yucky first MIL used to buy me gifts all the time and to this day, I will stay lay down a $100 bill on the bet that she did it in a malicious way.  I was a size 6 when I got married and she would buy me these hideous jogging suits in colors like zebra with pink feathers in size 16.  She would buy me flannel pajama shirts in plus sizes, jewelry (costume) in the shapes of whales, etc.  My Ex even told her one time at Christmas after I opened something that was 6-8 sizes bigger than me, "Mom, you do realize she's a little skinny thing right?"  She would just smile and nod.  Her daughters and my DH got very nice, expensive things they wanted.

I still always would smile and say thank you, then when I got home, they went to the donation center or in the garbage.  The first few years, it did make me mad, so just because I was polite, don't think I wasn't steaming on the inside.  I then changed my dreading attitude to one of humor and it got to be funny to me to see what hideous, ugly thing she had for me this time.

Scoop, I know what you mean.  I'm dealing with SD who seems to get everything she wants and gets rewarded, by her Mom although we are dealing with her antics daily.  It angers me to sit back and watch her get to go to Disney after treating my DH like crap.  I've had to sit the last few days and just bite my tongue until it feels like it's bleeding as she's been gushing about her trip coming up.  She took her M to dinner last night for Valentine's day.  We bought her some things for the day and got a "Thanks".  Her M buys her a few things and gets taken to dinner.  I have her number though.  She's not doing it because she loves her M.  She's now all being nice to M simply because M is taking her on this extravagant trip.  She went from "(Groan) I don't want to go with M tonight but she's upset because I said no and started crying, so I'm going for a bit" to now M is the most wonderful M in the world.  It's totally about the trip and once it's over, you can bet your bottom dollar she'll go right back to dogging her M.  That's her MO. 

It stinks, it's unfair (our fav word) and it makes you feel like a peon to watch people get their way, when it's wrong.  It's hurtful and hard to be treated like nothing and watch someone else get whatever they want.  But you know what?  I also know, she's miserable.  Someone that will treat people so callously and doesn't care who they hurt, must be some of the most unhappy people in the world.  Don't let her make you feel weak.  In my eyes, it makes you the opposite.  I see you as being the stronger one because you can get to the place where what she says or does, doesn't matter.   That makes you very strong and her very weak.

[Doe]

My concern for you Scoop, is that your MIL is training you to be her replacement.    She has you so engaged in this evil game of hers. She treats you badly and she has trained you to want to treat her badly in return. What a waste of your time and attention.

It's like you're in one of those fairyland prisons and she's playing this music that makes you dance, even if you don't want to dance and it goes on for 200 years....

(I got that last from a book I read.)

[Liz]

If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think? Might you suggest that if she had no intention of having a relationship with him the honorable thing would be to refuse it? Otherwise it keeps him on the string, it validates his nasty behavior, and it looks as if she's using him to get stuff.

IMO, a DIL's accepting gifts from a MIL she doesn't like is sending the same message (even if the gifts aren't expensive jewelry) plus she's modeling to her kids the concept that it's OK to use people you dislike.

IDK, we all come at these issues from our own perspective and situations. I found my DIL a bit hypocritical when she accepted our gifts after having told DS she hated us. But that's just my POV.
[/quote]

I have been a longterm lurker and have gained much insight from the posts.  I had to officially register when I read this post.   And I could not agree more with Pen's comments.  I married a wonderful man 20 years ago... with not so wonderful parents.  Their only involvement with us was visiting every three years and sending the most random, thoughtless gifts.  In the beginning, it was amusing and I was gracious.  After my dad died, the began sending "grief" gifts for my birthday and Christmas.  For example, a Kleenex  box holder for "my grief tissues".  And spiritual Native American items used in grief ceremonies.  (DH and I do not have a passion for anything Native American).  I greatly grieved my dad and my loss was compounded when I opened these gifts... especially at Christmas and my birthday.  Come on, what about a nice box of chocolates?  My husband said "no more gifts" and they have thankfully complied.

If I would have accepted these gifts, I would have felt like a hyporcrite.  I also think if my ILs supported my husband and I along the way... the the normal ups and downs of marriage (hospitalized children, surgeries, job loss, etc) I could have remained gracious.  But the fact that it took 2 months to express condolences after my dad died, reinforced my negative feelings.

[Liz]

If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think? Might you suggest that if she had no intention of having a relationship with him the honorable thing would be to refuse it? Otherwise it keeps him on the string, it validates his nasty behavior, and it looks as if she's using him to get stuff.

IMO, a DIL's accepting gifts from a MIL she doesn't like is sending the same message (even if the gifts aren't expensive jewelry) plus she's modeling to her kids the concept that it's OK to use people you dislike.

IDK, we all come at these issues from our own perspective and situations. I found my DIL a bit hypocritical when she accepted our gifts after having told DS she hated us. But that's just my POV.

I have been a longterm lurker and have gained much insight from the posts.  I had to officially register when I read this post.   And I could not agree more with Pen's comments.  I married a wonderful man 20 years ago... with not so wonderful parents.  Their only involvement with us was visiting every three years and sending the most random, thoughtless gifts.  In the beginning, it was amusing and I was gracious.  After my dad died, the began sending "grief" gifts for my birthday and Christmas.  For example, a Kleenex  box holder for "my grief tissues".  And spiritual Native American items used in grief ceremonies.  (DH and I do not have a passion for anything Native American).  I greatly grieved my dad and my loss was compounded when I opened these gifts... especially at Christmas and my birthday.  Come on, what about a nice box of chocolates?  My husband said "no more gifts" and they have thankfully complied.

If I would have accepted these gifts, I would have felt like a hyporcrite.  I also think if my ILs supported my husband and I along the way... the the normal ups and downs of marriage (hospitalized children, surgeries, job loss, etc) I could have remained gracious.  But the fact that it took 2 months to express condolences after my dad died, reinforced my negative feelings.
[/quote]
ok... you can tell I am a newbie.  I didn't format Pen's quote correctly.  I've italized my response (if I did it right) ; )

[Pen]

No worries, Liz. When you want to quote someone there are a couple of different ways to do it. I usually hit "insert quote" and then erase the parts I'm not referring to, if any, making sure I keep the html code at the beginning and end of the quote intact so it shows up as a quote in my post. Any comments I need to make go outside of the html code. Hope that helps!

Welcome, BTW. I hope I'm not repeating what another moderator might have already told you by giving you the official welcome speech, but here goes JIC: Please take a moment to read the posts highlighted in pink under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

Glad you're here!

[Pen]

Just for the record, I have been chastised by a couple of my friends for continuing to spend on DIL approximately what I spend on my DS & DD (a generous amount for us) for birthdays and Christmases, sometimes a smidge under, sometimes a smidge over. I shop at stores she likes and never give gifts that could be construed as a barb or dig about her (such as a gym membership or fancy new floor cleaning device.) She accepts my gifts graciously, but still doesn't seem too interested in a relationship. At least she's fairly polite to us now, that's a nice change.

I just wish DS would buy the gifts they give us...I know they spend a lot more on her FOO & buy gifts they actually want; we tend to get thoughtless, cheap gifts when DIL is doing the shopping. DS buys great gifts for us, but I think DIL likes to have control and takes over. I'd rather get nothing than something that feels like a slap in the face.

[Scoop]

I can see the point of accepting the gifts being hypocritical and I would dearly love to tell my MIL to not bother buying me anything, ever again.  But I can guess what her reaction will be.  She would be insulted, and hurt and CRY over it.  It would cause a big rift.

DH and I had a quiet time together and I asked him what he thought about it.  I told him that I would like for the IL's to not bother buying me gifts.  That I feel that they only buy me gifts when there will be witnesses to me opening them (i.e. Christmas when we're there, versus my birthday).  He said he would think about it and see what kind of solution we can come up with.  I hope he didn't give me the "yeah, yeah, whatever" approach that he's famous for.  I even called him out on it and told him that he'd better not be giving me the "yeah, yeah, whatever".

Wish me luck.

[Pooh]

If a woman were to accept expensive jewelry from a nasty, awful man for whom she had no affection, what would you think?

My take is that is a totally different situation.  Dating/male-female relationships are a totally different ballgame IMO.  There are many things that many women would not tolerate in a dating situation that they will tolerate in a family situation.  The dynamics are different and family are people you will maybe see the rest of your life and you have no say-so in who your parents/siblings/DIL/MIL/Etc. are, most of the time.

I am under the impression, in my personal life, that anything someone buys me, if not done with malicious intent, is why they call it "a gift".  I have received things from people that love me whom I have a wonderful relationship with that make no sense to me.  In their world, it made sense to them when they purchased it.  So if I can get things from people that like me that are not my cup of tea, I will give the same courtesy to someone that doesn't like me, if it's not obviously malicious.

I can't bring myself to not buy for my DIL if I am buying for everyone else.  Even though I don't like her.  I would think that would be very hurtful to hand everyone else something and just obviously snub her.  Now, if it's no gifts for everyone, I'm good with that.  If DIL told me not to buy for her, just her, I would feel hurt and honestly, probably mad because I do try to buy her things that I think she will like.  I pay attention to what she wears, style, etc. and try to get something in her style.  Do I always hit the mark?  Probably not because I relationship is not good so we don't talk.  No talking means I don't find out what's she is into at the time.  So I do my best.  If she didn't want me to buy because she thought I bought bad gifts and I thought I was doing my best, I would take that as a snub and it's not going to help our relationship.  Just as if I didn't buy for her but everyone else, she should be hurt and angry.

This is just me.  Everyone has to make up their own minds how they feel about gift giving and receiving.  In my world, it's not about MIL/DIL, it's how I treat everyone.  I wouldn't show up at a birthday celebration for a friend without a gift unless it was specifically stated "no gifts" from everyone.  But if I walked in giftless because I was told no gifts and everyone else brought one because I was the only one they told that, I would be hurt.  Just me.

[justus]

Sorry I am late to this.

Scoop, I am glad you talked to your DH about this. This is an insult to him as much as it is an insult to you. You are important to him, so you should be worthy of respect and consideration to them. They don't have to like you, but they do need to at least acknowledge your importance to him, and they would if they truly cared for him. Have you ever thought you are the bat the beat him with? By being such P/A jerks about this, and FIL is just as responsible, they are disrespecting him. It is up to him to call them on this kind of behavior.

I have a lot of experience both as a recipient of awful gifts and as a parent giving gifts. I met my DS's GF of six months over the summer and bought her a Christmas gift in December. I sent it to DS's address and when he got it, he told me they were no longer together. I told him to keep the gift and give it to someone who would appreciate it. Even though I had met her just once, it was important to me to acknowledge this girl's importance to him with this gift. He had never been with someone so long. If he does have an SO and Christmas or some other gift giving occasion comes along, you bet I will buy something for her even if I have never met her. I am hit or miss with gifts. Sometimes I am spot on and other times I totally miss, but I give a gift and let it go. I make sure the recipient can exchange it and I am not offended if they do.

I am of two minds on this. You are right to be offended by their treatment of you as it is an obvious slight. Yet, by being offended, you give them power to hurt you. You are putting more effort into the relationship than they are just by being mad. So a large part of me says to let it go, make a joke of it, even say to DH, "You owe me $20." When they ask, say in an uncaring manor that you bet DH they would totally forget your birthday again this year. The other part of me would note this slight, and make sure to put in as much effort for their special days as they put into yours. I would make sure DH knew about it, and I would make the comparison with what you received as to what everyone else in the family received very concrete so he could not just ignore it.

Either way, putting as much effort into the relationship as they put into it is the way to go. Make gift giving for them DH's responsibility. If he tends to go overboard, put it into the budget how much he can spend on them. If he tends to forget, don't remind him. Let him do what he will for his Ps. Don't even arrange for your kids to do something for them. He doesn't do this sort of thing for your family, don't do it for his. His family, his responsibility. If your PILs were different, things would be different, but these are the consequences of their own choices.

The sort of thing your MIL is doing comes around eventually. Be patient, let it mature, then enjoy the show.

[therealityis]

No reaction is the best reaction.
In My Opinion:
When you react to whatever your MIL does whether she does or doesn't give you a gift; you are then making it your problem. When she gives you something just say thank you and move on from that, and if she doesn't give you a gift don't worry about it, because what does it matter if she doesn't.
Rise above her reasons why she chooses to treat you the way she does and accept that there is a problem between the two of you, and unless you are both willing to work through it nothing will change.
You have your choices as she has hers, be the bigger person who won't allow her to ruin or dramatize your day and remember you don't have to do or give her anything that doesn't fit into your comfort zone; such as a cuddle, a smile or even a spoken word if that is how you feel; just be true to yourself and always be polite regardless of how you feel, you will eventually be happy with not responding as you find more peace in it than any drama from a negative action.