In dire need of some advise

[Pooh]

My take: It wasn't about the ex GF on facebook just due to the simple fact of what was said about the shower.  That was cruel.    Seriously, you are invited....you are uninvited.....you are invited.....you are uninvited....it's like 1st grade all over.  You're my friend....you're not my friend....you're my friend....blah. 

I wonder how it would have went over if you had told DS, "Look, unless you remove so-and-so from your facebook I'm not coming to your wedding." 

[Ruth]

  Previous to all of this, my husband and I were never allowed to meet her family.  My son and her have been living together for the past 2 yrs, and apparently her family doesn't know this.  I was informed right after Ch

whaaat??? Am I missing something here?  How is it that this 'controlling family' could not know where their daughter was living the past two years?  And if this is the case, I think its self explanatory why you aren't including in wedding, etc., as she doesn't want her cover blown.  I find this all very bizarre how you could not know if your child is living with someone for over two years.

[Deb123]

Thank you all for your support.  Your advise and support means a lot.  I feel for all of you that have problems also.  I have come to the conclusion in this matter is to leave it in God's hands and just love my son and his fiance with unconditional love, and to keep some distance for a while.  I think it's best.  We, as parents are the ones who set the example of what family and love is.   However, I will stand my ground and not be a doormat, and I believe that we women must remember that in all relationships............  Again, thanks for all of your imput and advise..............  Much appreciated...........

[Pen]

This is my take and it may be totally off-base, but I am going to offer it up anyway.  My guess, and it is only a guess, is that your son has complained about things that occurred in his childhood and it has given his fiance a very negative view of his foo.  My basis for suggesting this is that I think this happens very commonly and it is the only logical explanation as to why she would dislike you without even knowing you.  I know things that my DH has told me about his family has made my opinion of his family even more negative than it would otherwise be and has made me even more protective of my children as I do not want them subjected to what my DH has told me he was subjected to.

As such, I would start with your son.  Find out if there is something bothering him about his upbringing.  If there is, try to right whatever wrong he claims exists as this may smooth over the issue with your dil.  She obviously harbors resentment towards you and if you truly have not done anything to her, either she is crazy or your son has made you out to be a jerk. 

Just my two cents.

Foofoo, you've got something there. I believe that this could be at the heart of my DIL's treatment of us.

A lot to think about - I'm still processing this concept.

[herbalescapes]

Deb, I think you "solved" your own problem - leave it in God's hands.  Not to be a downer, but you've got 4-5 months til the big day, so if you came to a resolution today with DS and/or DIL, it could very easily be out the window next week.  Sounds like a lot of immaturity in this relationship.  Good Luck!

Foo, I want to thank you for bringing up a point that is usually lost.  A DIL usually gets her first impression of MIL through her husband.  There's that saying "You can't unring a bell."  If your BF tells you how controlling/dominating/selfish/unloving/etc. his mother was, that influences your perceptions.  Even if he's just blowing off steam and exaggerating, those adjectives are in your mind.  When my DH and I were dating, we went to his hometown for a hs friend's wedding and stayed with DH's parents.  His mom asked a few times if DH had picked out a gift (no).  After the visit, my DH complained about his mom "nagging" him about selecting a gift.  If I hadn't been on the spot, I would have imagined her asking a helluva lot more times than she had and been liable to view any question she asked as "nagging."  Since I was there, I could put things in perspective (my DH is a little oversensitive to his mom asking questions). 

Even if a man has a good relationship with his parents, how he talks about them could be slanted in a negative way.  Let's face it, in our society saying you call your mom once a week is a good way of being labled a mama's boy.  In the early stages of a relationship (and even in the later ones) a man may try to make himself appear more manly and independent in the stories he tells.  Add on that the different way men and women communicate, you have a perfect scenario for instant MIL/DIL dislike based on nothing that is true.

[Deb123]

Re Foo and Pen, you both were right.  I had a talk with son today, and he harbors things from his past.  His father whom I divorced 12 yrs ago, was an alcoholic and into drugs quite heavy.  He was also abusive towards me and a little towards our son.  I know my son has issues about that, he has suppressed a lot of memories and I do know he needs counseling for that.  We both stayed in that environment for 14 yrs.  (too long)  Two years ago his father passed away, and I don't believe my son really mourned over his death.  My son really never went through a rebellious stage, and I think that he subconsciously believes that he can only have one relationship at a time?  Make sense?  However, I do know he has badmouthed me to his fiance and her family.  He likes to tell stories that aren't so true.  I believe that is how he tries to build his self esteem.  I'm not a psychologist, maybe I'm wrong here, but today, again on the rollercoaster, I am invited to the wedding!  Geesh!  Until next time, (or I should say, next day) America!  Oh the drama!!!

Before all hell broke out and I was uninvited to the wedding the first time, I called the parents of fiance about the wedding shower, to see if her mother would like to do a combined family shower, but her father answered the phone and rudely stated that they don't want to talk to me or my DH, meet us, and to never call them again.  He said that these were the wishes of their daughter and my son, and they are going by the kid's wishes and then hung up on me.  I was totally shocked! You know, I am biting my lip here, thinking what the heck is my son getting into?

[JaneF]

After reading some stuff on these posts I suddenly find myself angry! I am angry because apparently some sons bad mouth their mom or their family to DIL or FDIL, which causes them to have formed an opinion of the family without truly knowing both sides. GRRRR!  The last post about the future in law being so rude with what he said on the phone and then hanging up would have been the last straw for this lady I'll tell you that much!  People that don't explore situations and form their opinion on what "someone else" said are idiots.  I'd be tempted to be really mad at my son, and as far as the guy on the phone...there would never be a relationship with those people!  After going through all I have in the last 13 years with my son and his wife and her family, I guess I have been hardened!  I refuse to be a doormat, and I certainly would refuse to be treated like that last post!  If that is a sign of future relationship issues, I think I'd run like the wind or say ta ta...I don't have to tolerate that!  I wish you luck.  Sounds like a stressful mess.

[tryingmybest]

I'll tell you what I'd do. Call your son, tell him you love him, your door will always be open, and you will respect his wishes and give him space. Then no more contact. Financial support, cut it off. Block everyone associated with then, as well as DS from FaceBook, or better yet unfriend them. Get busy with your life, travel , reach out in a volunteer capacity. Let him see exactly what he's getting into. Let him come back to you, I just think it's key that you not get into any type of conflict right now. give him what he's asking for. Do not plan on going to the wedding or anything associated with it, and really why would you want to? Don't get mad, just do nothing.

[Silver Spring]

Unless issues were very very serious, I don't know that it is the DIL's place to hold the parents responsible for an issue between a child and parent. We all complain about parents from time to time, and I think we do so more with our spouses (who better than those that are closest to us?). I think many kids have a gripe about their parents but it isn't necessarily serious, it is just how they feel about a certain situation, and they still love their parents despite those issues. I think an appropriate thing to do as a listening spouse is realize that our significant others need to vent and that doesn't necessarily mean that we should become defensive of them regarding issues that they already have squared away or reconciled. Difficult to do, but it might be worth the effort. Even if we do believe parents have done wrong, we should try not to add fuel to the fire.

I don't know if that applies to your case or not Deb, but considering how you have not met these people and have tried to be cordial, I will go out on a limb and say a parent/adult child issue should not have any involvement from the adult child's in-laws. It isn't their place to defend your son, especially when your son and you are communicating to a degree about what is now going on and what has gone on in the past. I think I might say that even if your son exaggerated, no one perspective is totally accurate, even where there is no exaggeration. I do think your son's in-laws owed you a chance to make your own impression, and should have at least been respectful on the phone. I'm sorry for this.

[Pen]

Deb, what you said about your DS telling "tales that aren't so true" possibly to raise his self-esteem hits home. I can see that with my DS.

IMO, DS's unfortunate venting and DIL's need for her FOO to be #1 combined to create our sad situation.

[Keys Girl]

Deb, I've been there, and was invited, uninvited, "Crazybook" was involved and ultimately I did not attend the wedding because I wasn't invited.  I also had an alcoholic ex-husband who I'm told has told my son lies about me that would have had me in sitting in the dock with the Gestapo during the war crimes trial.  Since he lived with me for a couple of decades I would have thought that all the good things that I did for him would have given him at least a few decent memories.

This is a swamp, and IMHO, you'll be scapegoated for the next 2,5,15 years (or months) as long as their marriage lasts.

I would unfriend all of them with the phrase "I think it's better that the younger generation spend time on Facebook with people their own age". 

I would cut off any financial aid and do what your doing, letting God take the lead, however, God helps those who help themselves and I would plan for a trip or spa day/week in the event that you are not invited to the wedding.  I spent the day quietly in the company of some close friends, have never looked on anyone's Facebook page, so haven't seen any wedding photos and am no longer in touch with my son.

Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine during all those years of taking care of him day in and day out that his wedding day would come and go and I would be banished from a place of pride there.

It's been quite a few decades since I married, and in those days families ties and expectations were stronger, with invitations mandated to be sent to someone's third cousin that you hadn't see in decades. 

Remember this isn't about you, except that IMHO you are unfortunately stuck in the scapegoat role and 2 against 1 isn't an easy spot to be in.

There's no bulls eye on my back, but as someone who has lived through what you might have to I would have Plan B ready, and I wouldn't tolerate the "invited, not invited", this isn't a game of "She loves me, she loves me not" that we used to play with daisies.

I would sit them both down and tell them that you are considering whether or not you are prepared to consider attending the wedding after being treated in such a badly mannered way.  They will likely revolt and tell you to take a hike, but I'll bet you $$ to donuts that will happen in the end anyway. 

Always deal from a position of strength, and if they can't accord you a minimum of courtesy, getting whipsawed for the next few months with the invitation being dangled as a carrot on a stick is only going to make it worse and if you aren't invited, send them a donkey as a wedding gift with a basket of carrots.  (Wish I had thought of that earlier and done it myself).

Take care, be good to yourself, and find as much solace as possible that your active mothering role is over and it's time to move on and find as much joy, happiness, laughter and delight in your life that you can grab with both hands.

KG

[lancaster lady]

Deb.      Imagine if you do go to the wedding without this being resolved . That would be one awkward situation . I would have a serious talk with my DS and find out exactly what he has said about you .Kind of heartbreaking to think he has disrespected you in this way , sounds like he is messed up .  What are his inlaws going to think of him if he tries to explain . A tangled web indeed and one only he can fix .

[JaneF]

This post really has stuck in my craw! Perhaps it just reminded me of my own DS and DIL's wedding a dozen years ago or so.  Oh I was invited for sure...but the only posistion I was awarded at that wedding was one of PAYING for my share of junk and a wedding gift!  It may have been better to NOT have been invited since I was really made to feel like I did not belong there.  I had zero part in decorating, all her family, no part in having more than a few token relatives there, all guests were on her side except a few, no part in reception, didn't even get to host rehearsal dinner because I wasn't asked to attend that either!  Her family did all that too.  I got zero photos either, nada, none, zip.  Things were about the same when first grandaughter arrived, just change the situation is all...but my gifts and money were sure expected!  I guess what I am trying to say is this...if your son and future daughter in law as well as her relatives are pulling this nasty junk NOW, my guess is you will live the same reality as long as they are involved, and it will probably get worse if grandchildren arrive.  It boggles the mind that people can be this way huh?  I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.  I agree with the wise other posters here.  I definitely would let them both know immediately that I was not a doormat, and they want to play yes you are invited, no you are not invited...I would have PREVIOUS plans and would NOT be attending, so sorry!!!  I would not cough up a single penny either. I agree her family owes you an apology, bet you never get it though.  Glad you are here for some support and understanding.  It's a tough circumstance, but my boss says "we teach people how to treat us".  Wise man...time to teach the dogs new tricks I say!  Blessings to you.

[lancaster lady]

That sort of.happened to me Jane , however they realised they needed me more than they ever realised othetwise I would be in your situation now . 

[JaneF]

Lancaster lady...funny though they treated me that way for years, but my son who I had not seen or spoken to for a year and a half called me last week and sincerely apologised...guess perhaps he either got his conscience back or sees that I am not so bad after all!  He admitted it was him that was wrong, wow.  As far as DIL though, I expect no change from her so I will not be disappointed!  lol