Some common threads in our stories/histories

[luise.volta]

Most of us don't step easily out of old habits like worn clothes. They can be darned near automatic. You caught it after the fact. Next time…before!  Sending love...

[artlady]

Great words of wisdom karina and love the phrase. I you print a t-shirt I'll buy one for sure . We are trying to enjoy our "two at home " and do pretty good at it but there is the outside drama of AC still. My main problem now is waiting for the tidy fairy to appear while I sleep as the house seemed cleaner when the kids were around than it does now with us two here ( 59 and 61) and you would think we would do better.  I think the thing that makes is nice is the fact you can spend time talking about all the issues without ears near by or being interrupeted by whatever is going on with them ( getting to practice , friends in and out etc)  One quote I read to send them on their way was when they turn 18 or after college give them a sandwich wrapped in a road map .  lol

[JaneF]

Don't feel bad, my house looks like a disaster area right now!  Seems like even though you go through stuff to donate, sell, or toss...house always looks worse before it's better huh?  Not the most important issue in life I suppose...but I also would dearly love the "cleaning fairy" to visit here!  J

[artlady]

Don't feel bad, my house looks like a disaster area right now!  Seems like even though you go through stuff to donate, sell, or toss...house always looks worse before it's better huh?  Not the most important issue in life I suppose...but I also would dearly love the "cleaning fairy" to visit here!  J

                  Jane it seems as we age all those things we thought were so important are not really now, like keeping everything looking clean and shiny everyday. Now if we decide to do something the cleaning or whatever can wait. That in a way is very comforting to just lock the door , leave and do it later but now I think the two of us since we retired 5 years ago do more of that LOL. we do now work part time jobs so we don't get too bad at keeping up

[luise.volta]

When I left home at 18, my dad, who had a wonderful sense of humor said…"Call if you need money and I will tell you how sorry i am!" LOL!

[Karina53]

Hello all you wise women, my computer needed to have repairs, so I haven't been to this site in several days now. I have just read all your responses to my new thread, and really enjoyed them. Of course, it is all a process, letting go of our AC's. I have a friend who is pregnant with her 2nd child==the oldest is 2. She is due in a month, and never has time to herself. She is also an art teacher. Her life is very hectic. Yesterday she told me that she envied me and my life, and the freedom I now have from childrearing. I told her that I envied her having 2 little ones, and all the fun of holidays, vacations, snuggling, etc. We were both surprised at each other. It made me reflect on things. I am an artist who works in clay, and do shows around the area, also local Saturday market. Sometimes I work till 2am in my studio. I enjoy the odd hours of work time. I love when it's dark out and I listen to Coast to Coast and do my own thing. I get to sleep in now. So there are advantages. But Christmas is not the same. We usually spend it with our ACs and GD 1000  miles away.

As far as the housekeeping goes, I've let things go much more than ever before, and wonder how all 4 of us and all our stuff fit in the current house. I'm somewhat sloppy in my habbits. And as for money for the AC's, we've decided no more. We recently helped our OD and family a bit, and our youngest got married a year ago, so we helped with that. For now, though, we have decided to not continue with the $$$. I have been listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio--he encourages people to live within their means, and I agree with him. Our oldest daughter and her husband had 2 house payments and 2 car payments, but no money to fix a leaky roof.  She recently sold her new car, and they've rented out one of their houses. They haven't made wise financial choices in the past, but now they seem to be learning. They need to rely on themselves now. No more from us!

[luise.volta]

Re: Money - Good thinkin'!

I'm 85 and I don't envy anyone. I got to have it all and see it as abundance as it unfolded. Every phase of life can be wonderful!

[Karina53]

Luise, I love your outlook. Very wise

[firelight]

If we could just make up our minds and stick to our guns and not give, give, give every time we turn around (We??  I am talking for myself here...lol)  I find that when I get lost in my own little mess, luise's wise words are very soothing for me.  (and many of you others also).  :-)

[luise.volta]

I, too, have my own messes that I can get lost in…and I find great comfort in my cyber-family. I'm so grateful for all of you. Sending love...

[Nana]

Yes Luise is really the wiser women I have known.....she always have the right words.  Concise, precise and funny lol. 

All here wise women are awesome...  all contribute their own experiences and always something in a post clicks in....in something we are struggling with.   I dont post often but am here almost everyday.  And even if it seems I am not... I am backstage, laughing, thinking and sometimes crying. 

Love you all

[CityGirl]

Karina, I have observed the same thing in myself and many of the friends I have who have had difficulties with their children.  My parents were neglectful and abusive.  I was determined to raise children with high self esteem.  Well, I did that alright.  They are all tremendously self confident and treat me like crap.  lol

I was a la Leche League Leader for many years and I saw in that organization many of us were trying to create the perfect families we didn't have growing up.  The only problem is so many of us did not find an appropriate balance and made our children more important then us, not as important, which I think is an important distinction.  We all grew up feeling less important and overcompensated to our children's detriment.  Because it is not good for anyone to feel they are more important than someone else.

My son has been cordial to me in social settings, such as my daughter's wedding last week, but he doesn't speak to me otherwise.  I periodically Google him to see what he is doing professionally (he is a very successful lawyer).  It breaks my heart because his accomplishments are the kind of thing we routinely used to talk about and I was so proud of and happy for him.  He is doing a lot of professional writing, and I am a writer.  I long to discuss his articles with him, tell him what a great job he has done, but I cannot.  And not knowing why he has cut me off is the worst part.

On the plus side, as I read here from many other mothers, the pain does ease somewhat with time. 

At any rate, thanks for your post.  It really strikes a chord for me.

[CityGirl]

I let both of my sons know that when they left home, they couldn't return except when invited to visit.

Luise, I am just curious, because you are such a compassionate person, would you have made an exception if they were in physical danger?

I have always been very, very independent.  But my husband was an abusive alcoholic.  When my boys were toddlers he had beaten me pretty severely and I felt like it was the last straw.  I turned to my parents for what turned out to be the only time.  I packed up my little boys and took a bus to their house, so he couldn't accuse me of taking our car.  I had a black eye and was covered with bruises.  But my mother said "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it."  So I had to go back to him, with my tail between my legs, where I suffered years more abuse before I had the courage to throw him out for good.

I decided then and there if my children ever came to me in trouble I would take them back in.  (Of course, as I'm sure you can guess, I have such poor boundaries that it didn't take danger for me to allow them to move back in and take total advantage of me.  lol )  Do you think being in an abusive situation is an acceptable circumstance to make a temporary exception and help them get back on their feet?

[firelight]

CityGirl,  I too had the best of intentions due to the way I was raised .....did everything in my power to raise a DD with high self esteem and to be successful ....it was always "when" you go to college, never "if" you go, etc etc etc...let her make a lot of her own choices....

Yeah, her self esteem is in the toilet and she lives on skid row with a loser she dropped out of college for and chose a life of hard drugs (until recently).  Diagnosed with major depression/anxiety as well.  My hopes and dreams went up in smoke.....(and I still think in the back of my mind maybe I was too hard on her back then with my expectations).  The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say.

CityGirl, was your husband abusive before you married him ever, even once?  I married my first DH who was very abusive but he showed signs of it (when I was 16-17) before I ever married him.  Of course after marriage things became increasingly worse and he was in the military (which really put the icing on the punching bag cake).  We were stationed in Germany.  We got into huge physical confrontations always started by him) that did not end when my DD was born.  So when I called my DF to bring me home, he said no, not enough money, sorry. (and I had no money either)  So in other words, I made my bed also and laid in it till that plane hit the ground stateside after almost 3 yrs in Germany to which I let it be known to my 1st DH the party was over...... and I said it right on the plane to come back home.   

[CityGirl]

Oh, Firelight, I am so sorry about your daughter.   Gosh, we have such dreams for those little beings.  I hate the expression 'the road to heck is paved with good intentions' because we are so well meaning in our love for our children.  There is also the saying 'it's the thought that counts'.  Why doesn't that one apply?!?!  We just can't win as parents sometimes.

My husband was emotionally abusive before we were married but..and I am sure many women here could finish this sentence for me...I thought I could fix him.   Ahh, the power I believed I had.  lol  He came from a violent, abusive supremely dysfunctional alcoholic family but I thought little old  me could undo generations of damage.  The fact was he was a bottomless pit of neediness that nothing could fill.  Of six children, only one has lived past 40.  All died due to self destructive behavior.  A smoker and a drinker, he had a fatal heart attack at 40.  As horrible as he had been to me, there was of course a wonderful side to him that I had fallen in love with and I truly mourned that person.  I was comforted to think, according to my belief system, at least he was finally healed and whole.  What we couldn't do here on earth I believed was done in the hereafter.  But he left an awful legacy of PTSD that I am still suffering from. 

Ironically, except for abusing their mother, lol, he was a very good father.  He was patient and attentive, never too tired to play games with them, read them a story, take them to the park.   The kids adored him but were also conflicted because of the way he treated me.  Someone has suggested to me the reason my kids today are less than helpful to me as I get sicker  from MS is that somewhere in their heads it is acceptable to not treat me respectfully.  They are respectful on the surface, they would never be overtly rude or fresh, but, here's another platitude: actions speak louder than words.  I have the one who has cut me off completely (but oh-so politely) and the others do nothing to help me.  It is friends who run errands for me, take me to doctor appointments, etc.  Never my own children.

I am sorry you had the same experience of not getting help from your family.  It is a terrible, terrible feeling to be that alone.  I can only imagine how much worse it must have been, being in a foreign country.  You were so brave to make that break!!  And on the plane!  Wow.