I'm having a hard time tonight

[Karina53]

This is my first post, and I want to say thank you for being here. I am not sure what to think about my AD. She's almost 25, married to a very good loving husband for almost a year now. I'll call her "E".She has recently become quite rude and disrespectful towards me. I don't know why. She lives about 1000 miles away, as does my oldest daughter "G" and her family. E has always been a handful, even as a baby, and had quite a temper even at 4 weeks old! Her pediatrician even noticed. We got through the teen years--it was hard, and at last I felt relieved that she had become human again at about 21 or so. We are not a wealthy family, not poor either just middle class. When she moved away, we knew she would need a car where she lived, drove a car down to her with new tires, and flew back home. We have helped with her tuition, etc, tho she has also had to work to help pay. What I'm saying here is that we loved her, helped her, encouraged her, etc. I thought we had a good relationship. Lately it has changed with her behavior towards me. When she comes home, she leaves huge messes--ie, food left out on counters, water, towels, etc in bathroom, etc. I have become used to order and all. Last time she was here, she took something of mine (a very nice makeup palette worth ab out $200) back home with her, thinking her sister G had left it when she was here. She took it to G's house and was told that no, its mom's. E never told me about it, just kept it. I was searching everywhere for it, couldn't find it after looking through every drawer and cupboard, so I called her to ask if she knew where it was. She told me what had happened, but that she didn't think it mattered, so she didn't bother to tell me or to send it back. When I asked her to please send it back, she became angry and defensive, and hung up on me. I was very upset, mainly because of her disrespect for me. I wrote her a letter, telling her that I loved her and wanted her to return it and to treat me respectfully. After about 3 weeks, I got it in the mail today. It was thrown into a large bow, wtih a few paper towels around it. It had broken into many pieces, due to her packing of it. Much was ruined. I told her what had happened, she told me that it was my fault for "demanding" that she return it.  I let her know that it wasn't the makeup so much as her disregard that hurt me. This is the latest example of other thingss she has done to me since Christmas. I am saddened by her recent changes. She seems to single me out. Any ideas on what's going on? She has always been somewhat immature for her age, but I had thought she made progress since being on her own more.

[Pen]

Karina53, welcome. I'm sorry you're going through such difficult times w/your DD. I'm sure you've been reading what other moms here are going through as well. They will likely send supportive posts your way soon. You found a good place for comfort and wisdom.

If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to read the Forum Agreement and Welcome posts, both highlighted in pink, on the home page under the topic Open Me First. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is good fit.

[Doe]

I feel for you Karina - I have AS trouble.  It's painful to realize that the person you thought you raised for 2 decades isn't the person you thought they were.   If you take her at face value there is no mystery - she's turned out to be a mean, self-centered person who takes pleasure in upsetting you.  That's awful.

This is a good place to get encouragement to not let her define you.  She wants to make you sad and she's achieving her goal there.  I think if you'll distance yourself from her and lower your expectations of her character, you'll have less chance of being hurt by her.

I know it's not easy - I'm having a tough few days - but it gets easier if you can redirect yourself away from her.

[lancaster lady]

Hi Karina and Welcome ..

I always find when something is wrong in their world , rather than tell you about it
they take out their frustrations on you . So perhaps she is having a problem
with something ....ask her .
My DD does this every time , when all is going well she is very sweet , look out
when it's not !
Don't accept anything that is disrespectful , tell her to come back when she has learnt
some manners .

[pam1]

Welcome Karina

[luise.volta]

Welcome - My take is that the first thing to get is this isn't about you. The second thing to get is that since it isn't about you, you can't fix it. She's a child trying to be an adult and that's not easy task…but/and it's hers. It also sounds like she may be tripping over some difficult personality traits. I feel you did well. You set boundaries and didn't lose track of your self respect. If you can distance yourself further it will help. Most of us here have had to step back and let our AC thrash around. It doesn't feel natural but it is absolutely necessary for both us and them. We're done parenting and they are "individuating." Sending love...

[Karina53]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful responses. I'm feeling better today. I am so happy to have found this forum. I have been going through a hard time--my mother died in November, then a sister-in-law in December, and then, 2 weeks ago, my neighbor's 2 month old granddaughter, whom I loved to visit. She was such an amazing baby, she died of SIDS. I have been grieving alot. But think I see the light at the end. My family of origin had lots of problems and abuse. I knew I didn't want to follow how I had been raised. And made sure I didn't. I was always there for my daughters, always had their friends over, did things together, etc. Many of their friends still call me mom. It's a role I loved. Now we are empty nesters, and our daughters and granddaughter are 1000 miles away. There are times when I miss them all very much. They live in a city where we lived many years ago, and went back to for family and vacation visits. At one time it was my dream to move back when my husband retires. But now they are both moving elsewhere. G and family (with gc) will be moving closer to us. I am happy about this. But I realize now that you really have to live your own lives, and follow your own path. I do have a career, and work in my home studio. I need to get out more I know. Anyway, I tried to be the mother that I always wanted, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I am glad you are all here. Thanks

[Pooh]

Welcome Karina.  I was going to say what LL said.  Maybe she is having trouble at home or work or something in her life is not going well.  That doesn't give her an excuse to be disrespectful to you and you did the right thing.  I just think sometimes when people are unhappy they want everyone around them to be unhappy too.  So give her some space and hopefully time will tell.

[Beth 2011]

Hi Karina,

Welcome to WW, I am sorry you are having trouble with AC.  You are not alone here.   

Maybe something is bothering her and you need to ask her the next time you speak with her.  I know my DS used to get abrupt with me when he had something on his mind and I would ask him what was wrong and usually he would spill. 

[Ruth]

I feel very sad with you Karina after reading your post tonight.  I think I understand where you're coming from and have some common experience.  The estrangement with my DS is what brought me to this site last year, but I've learned many life skills which I needed here, and I continue to learn every time I log on and read.  As I said, I came here because of the years and years of belligerance and disrespect from my DS and the toll it had taken on my life.  As I became stronger and learned to distance myself from him, and allowed that to communicate itself to him as 'I don't need you to make my world ok anymore', he began to communicate with me a little and has been mostly respectful.  I am much more peaceful now, as I accept this as it is, he was always a distant child and is very self centered.  Now in reference to your DD, I think you did the right thing about the make up, I hear you very well and know that it wasn't about the make up.  Temper tantrum.  I see and hear a lot about it any more.  I talk with lots and lots of women (mothers) in my line of work, and it seems to be a common thread.  I think we've raised a generation of young adults who are grounded with a sense of their own importance especially to their parents, and who are much more comfortable with acting out (more willing and less fearful of the consequences i.e. rejection) than say our generation was.  It's different now.  Although we don't make generalizations here, I'm stating that for whatever reasons, I seem to hear a bunch of women tell me heart breaking stories about how their adult children can lash out at them, or take some advantage like the make up thing, and then sleep like a baby.  the only cure, as far as I can tell, is just life itself.  In time, we get beaten up enough by life to learn that we don't call the shots, that we aren't powerful, that we aren't self sufficient, and that we aren't immortal.  That can cure a personal finally of selfishness and arrogance.  In the meantime, we life our lives and set boundaries, and I welcome you here and share your hurts and sadness. 

[luise.volta]

My take: I'm powerful and at choice to a great degree. And my spirit is immortal. What I had to learn was that it only applied to me…not those around me. I had the dickens of a time learning the difference between powerful and controlling. Sending love...

[firelight]

Welcome to our cyber family Karina!

I have read yours and all the posts so far following .....I don't think there is anymore I could really add.  I think you handled yourself fabulously! 

Many of us here have had some real bleeding and broken hearts with our AC.  I thought mine would literally take me out from the pain I felt at one time.  Some days are better than others.     

Keep posting and growing....that's what we do here.  It's a wonderful place to open up  honestly and get it off your chest. 

Many wise words here following your initial post.  That's why I so love it here.  We're just a diverse mixed bag of wise women learning every day.... 

It does help to concentrate on yourself and self-preserve as well as you can as just because we're moms doesn't make us doormats.  Keeping busy with things you like to do is helpful....it doesn't always stop the thoughts of your AC and their issues, but it sure takes the edge off and if you're lucky, you do forget once in a while which is sweet relief.  It takes practice though!