tried pulling back isnt working - think it may be jealousy :-(

[jill1963]

Hi All,

Have posted before, have said was going to pull back and was withdrawing quite nicely, but now feel as if i am being drawn back in. :-(
I feel this could go in one of two catagories- this one or problems with the in-laws.
to elaborate,  i have always been reluctant to ask my YDD to have my GS as am worried about rejection, this weekend and through the wonders of facebook i find out that relatives (not GP's)on her BF's side have been allowed to take him out, then the following day i knew my daughter was going to look at some clothes for my new GD in a place that was close to BF's parents, so they visited, that in itself peeved me, she said they only went there to sort out the clothes but did not leave until very late. Yet they always go on at me about my GS being in a routine and he cant go to bed any later that 7:30pm ( they left approx 2 hours after this time)
The reason why it peeved me is, they come over my way quite often for various reasons, one being my GS goes to a school near me and another that they go to a retail park not far from me either, so why do i not warrant the occasional visit?  I have also said i am happy to make the journey over there but dont feel welcome that way either
The other thing is whilst my YDD is very vocal and sometimes downright mean to me and moans when on the rare occasion we do speak about the boyfriends family, and i may not be very compilmenterary especially about her BF's Dads GF (which my YDD  has stated she herself does not like) i am not allowed to voice that to her because i am in her words being moody that i am the one going to lose out, but whenever they do come over to my house her BF sits there being moody and rude and making it an unpleasant visit anyway and they only stay at my house for an hour or so compared to 4-5 hours at BF's Dads house, because i have bought my YDD up better and she would not be so rude as to do what her BF does.
I feel stupid, and yes jealous of the other family, i also do not feel the need to put everything on facebook that they do, especially the BF's Dad's GF. I stay on facebook because sometimes that feels the only way i can stay in contact with my own YDD.
Why am i torturing myself, why do i let it bother me, why do i still help my daughter out and then feel used?  Why does it sometimes feel like a one way street?  and why when i think things are getting better does it seem to get worse again?

Jill

[luise.volta]

j - My take is that we all get stuck in whys at one time or another. Even many times. There are none. We look for logic and that's a mistake. People do what they do for no reason or for reasons they are unaware of. Tracking them on FB so we know when we we are slighted or left out is something a lot of us have done…and have given up. What we focus on expands and then it is huge again. When we pull back, let it go, pass on trying ti figure it out and focus elsewhere…we get back into balance and well-being. Just some 5:00 AM (here) thoughts. Sending love...

[jill1963]

hi Luise,

i dont need to track them they are on my friends list on Facebook, so if they say something i see it anyway, this happened when my YDD was first going out with her BF, so if i deleted them it would look nasty on my part, it is the announcing on Facebook that feels like my daughters BF's Dads partner is rubbing it in my face. My time though very limited with my GS is my time and i dont feel the need to announce it on Facebook........ just my take on it.
Jill x

[elsieshaye]

You can block people from showing up on your facebook news feed without unfriending them.  If you hover your mouse to the right of any of their posts, there is a downward arrow that, if you click it, gives you options for "hiding" posts or posters.  I have my son's updates hidden this way, but have not unfriended him.   That way the door is left open, and I get to talk to my other FB friends, but I don't have to deal with his stuff up front and center.

[PatiencePlease]

Jill1963, I'm very new to Facebook but I think there's a way to keep them as a friend but block their posts.  Go to their page, and pull down the "subscribed" tab - - you can pick and choose what notifications you want (if any) listed on your page.  Try it - hope it works.

I do think it's best to try to distract yourself from this drama.  When I feel myself getting sucked into someone else's drama I remind myself that I'm the only one losing sleep over it -- they're not.  So why should I? 

You deserve better.  Be good to you and good luck!!

[luise.volta]

J - "Tracking" was a poor choice of words. I have just read here that some of our members have experienced stress from using FB. The suggestions that followed mine are much more specific and technical. Please disregard mine. Sending love...

[pam1]

I also just restrict people too rather than unfriend.

[Doe]

"Tried pulling back isn't working"

There's pulling back so that you can be free of upsetting relationships and regain your happiness again. 

There's pulling back as a tactic to try to make upsetting people change their ways.

The first way is the one that worked for me and it has taken some time.  Sometimes, it's 2 steps forward, one step back, but if you keep your eye on your own path and away from the people who upset you, it gets easier.

What analogy would work for you?  If you were obese and wanted to lose weight for a healthier life, would you say I tried to stop eating so much but the food is drawing me back in?  I know it seems like these people have a lot of power over you but they only have as much power as you give them. 

[firelight]

Hello jill1963,

Your post reminded me of my cousin who was welcoming her sister to Facebook as a new user and she posted, "Welcome to hell, "so&so" (sister's name inserted there).  I humorously thought, how true that can be sometimes!

I am so sorry you're going through this time of tender feelings and having a new GC makes it worse because you do want to visit and be in their lives. 

After reading so many posts here, I've come to the conclusion that our AC in their 20's (and then some) are plain crazy....(or maybe we are as we learn to let go of their childhood and the children we once knew......maybe a combination of both).   

You will need to find some kind of happy medium to take your mind off of it part of the time whether it's hobbies, or some other interests you might have.  You may have to force yourself for your own sanity.  You'll see the words "self-preservation" here frequently because it's the truth.  We have to work on our own independence and try not to appear so "needy" to our AC. 

Seems like the BF has the reigns for the time being possibly.  My dad had a wife that would do just that.....it was fine and dandy for them to spend time with her family for hours on end but when it came to his fam, she would chomp at the bit the whole visit until they left in an amount of time that was considerably less than their visits with her own family.  If he was invited alone, she would miraculously show up and inevitably pull him away.....but you know, that was his and her problem and had nothing to do with us.  How some people can tolerate that sort of thing is beyond me, but it happens every dayl.  It's a life your YDD has chosen for now so you may have to take what you can get and accept it.

It is inevitable time will pass, change will come, growth is optional. 

So, who knows what the next year will bring to you.   

Don't forget you though, jill1963.  You have value and you have worth. 

[firelight]

p.s.  you said you help your daughter out then still feel used.......(we do it because we love them so but we are not doormats dear jill1063....me as an enabler recognized this portion of your thoughts as you may be also, but only you know that.)  I have so been there and done that but you can develop a new habit for yourself but it takes work and focus to tune in to your own behaviors).

I'm going to suggest this book (only because I am reading it right now myself and I find it helpful):

"The Language of Letting Go"  by Melody Beatty

It can't hurt to get this one or browse around for another book that might help. 

[Pooh]

I have hid several friends and relatives.  Classmates and coworkers that post nothing but drama on their statuses constantly and complain about everything.  Click...don't have to see it anymore but didn't delete them to cause any controversy.  My Ex FIL I hid because he would post pics of my OS and DIL.  He wasn't even doing it to get at me.  It's his GS and they bowl in tournaments together, so it would be that kind of stuff.  It just bugged me too much to see it, and yes, it was hurting my feelings that I wasn't seeing him and he was.  Wasn't his fault and I hold no hard feelings towards my Ex FIL, but it was painful.  So I hid his posts.

Jill I know you want to keep up with GS but you have to weigh out is it causing you more hurt to see all the stuff than it is pleasure at seeing GS. 

[Lisa41]

Welcome Jill,
I have the same situation in my family; my AD and grandchildren spend 95% of all holidays etc... with the other GP's. When they are at my home, my AD is clearly miserable. So...as it has been said here many times, I can't change her, can only change me.
Over time I have come to look at it differently. I am grateful for anytime I spend with them. I send my GC little gifts in the mail (even though they live ~ 5 miles away). I miss them for sure, but I can't change how little I get to see them.
I have found the key is to stay busy and focus on  my own life. Pulling back is the only way I was able to do that without getting sucked into the ongoing drama of my AD's life. Listen to your instincts...if you feel like you are being used then you probably are. I finally realized that my helping my AD (even though it was with the best of intentions) was causing her to resent me more.
So many of us are in the same situation. There is lots of wisdom on this site!!

[Beth 2011]

Hi Jill1963,

I don't know about everyone here but I don't FB.  I have found ignorance is bliss.  Hope everything works out for you.   

[Pen]

I too have not joined FB. It would hurt too much to see all the fabulous things DS/DIL are doing w/her FOO. I know enough about it as it is, and I know DH & I are never mentioned as being part of any fun times; we're an embarrassment, I think. I don't need to have it thrown in my face everyday. Even though they could be blocked, I don't want the temptation to wallow in misery.

[jill1963]

Hi All,
Thanks for replies :-)

Pen, Beth, i have other family members & friends on there who are in far flung places who i wish to keep in touch with and FB is easier.
I will do as Pooh and other people have suggested and try hide the person who really riles me up from view as much as possible, I am not sure if she was doing it to be mean to me or actually wind my YDD up lol, as my YDD & BF refuses to let their son my GS call her any sort of GP type name (so she currently call herself Grandma on FB as she know my YDD considers me as the only Nanny). This is also because although BF is estranged from his DM, he still considers she should be called Nanny if anything changed. The other thing is even if i came off FB, My YDD BF works at my Families business so if i didn't get informed the FB way i get informed that way :-(

I am so confused with my YDD at moment as she is blowing hot and cold, she has come up with a suggestion, which if it happens will be nice, but as of yet i do not want to put on here for fear of jinxing it.
But she has said myself and her sister can take my GS out for the day in 2-3 weeks (when he is on half term from school)  so fingers crossed that will be nice as long as it happens :-) at the moment i am erring on the side of pessimism all the time because ( and i know this is twisted logic lol)  if i am pessimistic and something happens that has been promised i will be pleasantly surprised, whereas if i am optimistic and it doesn't happens i am hoping i wont be as disappointed........... hopefully that makes sense to you all lol?
I do feel sometimes my YDD is trying and i do understand it must also be hard for her sometimes as well, it just upset me her way of doing things and the fact she is more forthright in the way she says things to me than her BF is with his Father resulting in them at least at this time getting the better end of the visiting.
I will update you if the thing my daughter has suggested comes to fruition.
And Lisa i hope things improve for you also it isn't nice feeling this way, yes i do feel used sometimes and i am trying to keep myself busy, i just think that particular weekend i let things get to me too much and like other people have said i need to let certain things wash over me and not let them get me upset.

And Doe your analogy possibly isn't the best for me, as i am not the slimmest, and the way you describe about the food is something of a struggle for me, but oh so true lol .............. but that is another area i am currently trying to make things better and to that end have already lost 14kg (or just over approx 2stones) as i have said in a previous email i was and am trying to be more positive with the new year , new hairstyle, lose weight and even, more exercise ( i now do Zumba!).
Like pulling back, i also find these things hard sometimes but we all have to make that effort, and am hoping to keep it all up.

Thank you for your support and comments, which i find mostly helps, except on the odd occasion when i am in the deepest depths of being upset, but I know that when I am that low its hard to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on, but I also know that I need to in order to maintain my self preservation.

Jill x