Tried reaching out to DS

[Beth 2011]

My DH tried reaching out to our DS last week when he called and told him, Congratulations.  DH spoke to DS about the baby and then DS told him that we didn't want to have anything to do w/ him as long as he was w/DIL.  My DH told him that was not true.  The conversation escalated with DS getting angry and my DH told him he heard GC crying in the background he would hang up so he could take care of him and DS ignored him.  The baby continued to cry, my DH said and DS continued getting angry.  My DH told him the ball was in his court.  I knew he was calling and I just wanted to know when we could see GC.  I stood there until the two started having a disagreement then I went and put another load of laundry in the machine.  My DH said that the baby continued to cry and DIL didn't even pick him up.  I talked with DH the next day and told him I was done.  He had told me when he got off the phone that he gave it one last shot and DS just wanted to argue and defended DIL.  When DH asked him pointedly about somethings that had happened, DH said it was just dead air on the phone... no reply. I told my DM what had happened and she said to just let it go.  And we have been letting it go but I thought things would change when the GC arrived.  We rated a generic birth announcement with GC's picture and stats.  I believe she did that to turn the knife a little more so to speak.  But through all of this I can't say I am not hurt because I am.  I wish things were different.  I sometimes feel like I am obsessing.   At least my DD tells me MOM, you're obsessing again.  Maybe I am but I believe I am in a better place than I was 2 years ago when all this started.  I believe my DH and DD are too.  My DH ended the conversation with DS quickly because he was upset that they were letting the baby cry.  He just couldn't believe it.  We have to keep telling ourselves, he owns his decisions. 

[diazdebbie]

I'm so sorry for what you and your DH have to put up with.  I just dont understand AC these days. What ever happened to honor thy mother and father. I would never ever treat my parents the way AC do these days.  No matter how bad I felt towards them.  Nobody is perfect. We dont deserve it and the GC are left without the love from their GP's.   It' so unbelievable and unfair. I wish I could provide you with more comforting words but all I can say is "I hear you and I'm with you"  Stay strong, move forward and breathe.  Focus on the good things happening and hope for the best.  HUGS....

[luise.volta]

Quote: And we have been letting it go but I thought things would change when the GC arrived.

As far as I know, there is no "but" in letting it go. No future expectations. We can't let go conditionally or temporarily. Sending love...

[Beth 2011]

You're right.  No expectations is harder than it sounds.  I am a work in progress....  Rome wasn't built in a day.     

[luise.volta]

We're all works in progress. There is no finished product because we're human. Sending love...

[colleen01]

Hi Beth,
I can relate to your post about the GC. My GC is 3 months old, but were treated horribly at the birth with my own DD in laws. We don't care for son in law, no job, etc. We had a situation regarding formula and them adding extra water to it. We got involved and I forced my way in their trailer to confront them. That was on Dec 7, and I thought we were done for good. The officer who was involved on our end(SIL threatened to kill me on FB),smoothed things over with our DD to be able to see GD ! She called my DH 3 weeks ago and we've had the GD 2 times so far. The other night my DD called my DH regarding her W2. My DH asked her if she wanted to speak with me, and it went very well. I told her I was sorry for how I handled things, and she said it too(small miracle,for her to say those words). She started to bring up what happened and for probably one of the first times in my life, I changed the subject to baby bottles! I always thought issues had to be discussed till resolved. NOT!  We ended up speaking for almost an hour. It was very warm but I must stay on guard. The reason your post caught my eye, was if I understand you haven't spoken for 3 years? Your DS did answer the call from your DH, right? THe baby crying in the background really was their business,unless GC was maybe crying for an hour. I'm just trying to help you see things from maybe their perspective and increase your chances of seeing GC. Maybe the DIL was changing the baby. You really don't know why the baby was crying and your DH telling him to take care of the baby, when even though heated, him and your DS were conversing. He hadn't hung up on your DH. Even though arguing he was staying connected. Maybe next time your DH could just say, if you need to go, it's ok, you can call me back to continue when the baby is sleeping. They hate when we tell them what to do or how to take care of our GC. That's all I'm saying. A baby crying isn't the end of the world, and there's no way to know behind the scenes actually what was taking place. As of Dec 7, I would have never believed that I would be seeing my GD again and speaking, although tentativelly to my DD in a calm, loving way.  Take care!

[Beth 2011]

Wow Colleen, I am sorry for your situation with your DD.  I am happy for you that you are making gains and have been able to see your GC.  I don't believe that will happen in our case because we have been around DIL a total of 5 times including wedding.  They live less than 5 mins away.  We tried to get to know her before, and after the wedding to no avail.  She and DS were always going somewhere or too busy.  You think, well we have plenty of time but then something else comes up and something else comes up and you learn that they are all just excuses.  It definitely takes 2 to tango.  He is at fault just as much as DIL.  But as his vision clears in the months to come or it may never change in the way he sees DIL, he will think of what has happened and realize the truth.  If he doesn't then life goes on and this is what I am working on for myself.  Life goes on as long as I am breathing.  Whether or not they let the baby cry or maybe the baby wouldn't stop crying for whatever reason, I know that my life goes on and so will theirs. So I will continue to make plans for holidays and life events without them and know life goes on for us all.

[Beth 2011]

thank you diazdebbie 

[firelight]

Hi Beth2011,

The obsession is normal at first, I think.  I did that too.  It drove me nuts and made me lose sleep and made me literally nauseated.  It only hurt me.  But, being they're our kids, it's easy to do.  You have to be intentional about filling your mind with other thoughts and your life with other activity.  You sound like  you're moving ahead with or without DS. 

Accepting them (DS and DIL) as they are and letting go might be helpful ....easier said than done I know.  Review the Serenity Prayer (hopefully you know the one.....Google it if you have to)...and read it every day if you have to.....also, going through my DD's crisis lately it was suggested to me in a meeting recently that I get "The Language of Letting Go" by Melonie Beatty.  I downloaded it to my Kindle and am working on my thought process right now.   I know when you ache for your GC it makes it doubly hard.  I am really hoping things improve eventually for your family but till they do, keep pressing on.  The only way out is through!  You can still invite them to holiday things and if they choose to come or not, is up to them.

Keep posting and venting right here!  You're amongst friends and a cyber-family. 

[colleen01]

good advise firelight....I have the "language of",great book! I have all of her books,most are falling apart as she is the queen of codependency issues.  I agree with the idea of inviting them anyway, that's what I was advised to do also. You're all still a family, and I was told to keep inviting, and leave the outcome up to them if they attend or not.  Take care

[Beth 2011]

Thanks Ladies,

Firelight it is like you read my mind.  I will look for the book at the store or library if I can't find it in the store.  Our library is pretty good.  I am continuing on with my life, I would not have been able to have posted 2 yrs ago without boohoo crying. I have been through hurt, anger, numbing, it feels like a family member has passed away.  That is the only way I can describe it.  We all are continuing with our lives, DH, DD and other extended FOO, time helps as well.  So I have to tell you again, thanks for your support.  So I am going to do something for myself.  MY DD and I have modified our eating habits due to health and now I am going to take it one step further and start moving around a little more.  Exercise is an ugly word but if I am working in my yard or cleaning, I don't think of it as work.  I need to loose weight because I would like to be around for awhile.  So I will continue to redirect myself, my DH is building a small deck that will keep him busy for awhile and DD is going to go back to school to take classes so she can start in a new field of work that she will be able to do.  So we all are a work in progress.     

[Pooh]

I'm so sorry, but I read something in your post that really made me see that you have grown so much.  When you heard the disagreement start, you walked off to do laundry.  That's not obsessing, that's the opposite!

Pat yourself on the back.

[Beth 2011]

Thanks Pooh.  I am working on it.  

[Doe]

it feels like a family member has passed away. 

I know this feeling, Beth. As I was reading your post it occurred to me that for me, it's like a family member has dementia.  They are still here but they aren't.  For a while you expect them to come back or you get glimmers of how it used to be till you realize that who they were is gone for good. 

[Beth 2011]

Doe we still have our memories for now.  And if you have pictures that helps too.  That is what I told my DD and DH.  We don't have DS in our life but we will always have the memories.