Just Annoyed

[phillek]

I already know the answer:  I have to change my own feelings/reactions to the way another person acts; I can’t change their actions.  So, maybe it isn’t the best idea to “vent”, but I am going to try it anyway.

Why do some people have such a hard time grasping the idea that each set of parents has a choice on how to raise their children, and that if parents choose to do things differently than them, it is wrong or insulting.  In my case it is my MIL, but I’m sure there are DILs, DMs, sisters, friends, etc. that are guilty of this.  I’m not talking about endangerment, abuse, neglect.  I mean, of many examples, if DH and I have found that our baby goes to sleep better using method 123, and MIL believes in method 345, she can’t stand it.  She gets so defensive.  I explain to her that I didn’t think her way was wrong, but that our way has proven to work for us, so we are sticking with it.  The funny thing is, MIL speaks of her own MIL in spitting anger because she was so intrusive and critical of her parenting.  So, instead of saying “you are wrong, I am right, do it my way now.”  She says, “I am nothing like my MIL, so I won’t tell you what to do, but things would be so much better for you if you just…..”  DH and I have not engaged her in this, we never, ever, complain about life/parenthood and never ask her for anything.  In fact, I usually get this “helpful” advice after she prods me with questions to which I answer “Everything is wonderful, we are so happy!”  And trust me, she has made it crystal clear which parenting techniques she does not agree with and wants me to change.  She doesn’t have to say it just like her MIL did to have the same effect.  What is this?  Insecurity?  Control?  Some less sinister quality that I am not seeing?

[phillek]

Another vent about “helping”:  When you ask another adult if they need something, and they say “no, thank you” and you ask/beg again and again to the point of harassment trying to break the person down until you get the answer you want “Yes, please!  How could I ever survive without you!  You are so smart and capable and I am so incompetent!  Thank you! Thank you!  Thank you!!!”  At what point does a sane person come to terms with the fact that they are not “helping” but in fact hurting?  Again, this is my MIL, but I’m sure it could be anyone.  With her it is always something that DH or I would prefer to do ourselves… like, cleaning the bathroom, doing the laundry.  She asked several times if she could be added to our checking account so she could deposit sometimes and “monitor” it.  Seriously??  No, thank you.  It wouldn’t be so bad if she could just admit that she wants these things for herself, to feel useful, needed.  But this woman will stick to her guns to the bitter end, claiming that she only wants to “help” us.

[pam1]

Oh chickie...I couldn't help but laugh, I'm sorry.  My MIL is the same way (and yes, like you said all titles do this same exact annoying thing.)

You know though, I actually *like* hearing peoples advice/stories/experiences, it's never bothered me in the least to hear a different way.  But I guess it's in the delivery, most people I know deliver it with "hey, this worked for me..maybe it could for you."  And that was that.

Not so with my MIL.  She just doesn't offer up her opinion, she follows it up to see if we followed it, then goes around crying to everyone that I've rejected her..on and on.  And boy, should I ever voice an opinion on something different than she thinks, it's like she reacts as if I've punched her.  Or judging her.  I tried just *once* explaining that this is only how I feel, it's ok that you feel differently, *I* do not care as long as it works for you and makes you happy.   Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon lol.  So now I say nothing of importance, just easier that way.  But I do have to be careful if she says something like she likes green crayons and I'll go with my standard "how nice" well, I'll end up with a 100 green crayons and why am I not coloring with my green crayons and do I want to bring my green crayons over and have a play date.  You get the drift..

Anyway, I guess my only point is that venting is ok sometimes, heck I think we all need it.  But maybe find some humor in it.  If I have anything to say about my MIL, well I know no one like her and she definitely provides some gut busting material.

[phillek]

Pam, You are hilarious   Thanks for making light of it... I needed that.

[alohomora]

This is my MIL also. It's like DH and I cannot have independant thought from 'the clan.' The second we don't want to do what the rest of them are doing, we get brow beat. The odd thing is, since we've been living together, not once has this method worked on us. But they sure keep trying!

I can't imagine how this is going to get worse once baby comes. DH and I have decided not to give our child a certain sort of product (don't want to get into it lol). We did a lot of research - this was initially an idea from my family that was being discussed (not with me I overheard it) and I did my own search and found I agreed. So we looked up substitutes, etc. And we eliminated this food from our diet as well.

I made the absolute mistake of telling this to MIL. I admit it was in the heat of another conversation around something I didn't agree with her. She went...nuts. Basically told me it would be abuse not to give this to my child. I told her I shouldn't have discussed it with her as it was none of her business and ended the call. This was a couple months ago.

Sigh. Yes, opinions can be invaluable as they come from experience. But she knows DH and I aren't careless and wouldn't put our child in danger. So c'om.  And if we don't agree, LET IT GO. I don't call her and tell her diet of frozen foods and donuts is going to deprive our children of their grandmother as she won't live long. So back off.

[luise.volta]

No, it's true that you can't change it…but you sure don't have to like it. Sending love...

[phillek]

But she knows DH and I aren't careless and wouldn't put our child in danger. So c'om.  And if we don't agree, LET IT GO.

This is something I hope to goodness I remember when I am a GM.  For the most part, young moms and dads are borderline obsessed with making the absolute best decisions for their children.  We read every book in the parenting section, we ask our doctors a million questions, we listen to experiences from other parents (young and old), and try to stay up to date on current pediatric recommendations.  At the end of the day, the best advice is:  "Trust your instinct and do what works best for your family.  If you are doing what you believe to be in your baby's and family's best interest, it is probably the right thing.  If it doesn't work, change it."  That means, we can all decide on different methods, and all be right!

[FAFE]

You know, I think we are all guilty sometimes of giving unwanted advice.  Last week my GD had her shots and DD was telling me she was cranky.  Before I thought, I said well did you give her Tylenol before the shots.  I got this "yes mother" I gave her Tylenor.  Well, last Saturday, at my sister's funeral several people asked about the baby and DD told them about her being cranky after getting her shots.  At least 3 people said - Did you give her Tylenol?  DD just rolled her eyes and said y'all are all alike.  So, to me no more Tylenol questions.

I was pretty lucky that my MIL was pretty cool and I try to be like that to my DIL.  Of course, she doesn't understand all my Southern Redneck speak, so I'm sure she just laughs her butt off at me! 

My favorite new thing is when someone gives me advice is smile and say I'll get right on it. 

[phillek]

Oh FAFE, that wasn't so bad!  Just a little eye roller  And sorry to say it, but a little advice like that is probably a lot easier to stomach coming from DM or FOO, when you actually can roll your eyes, than coming from MIL when you have to keep those eyeballs front and center!

My real problem with MIL is the insistent advice that she already knows I don't agree with.  If your DM had already mentioned that she read up on Tylenol and decided that she was never going to give it to her baby, and you still asked about it, several times, made a point of bringing it up over and over again, listing all the people you've ever met who have had success giving their children Tylenol that would be the thing I'm dealing with.

[FAFE]

Phillek, I'll be your MIL.  You sound like a really sweet person.  But, I will give you advice every now and then, just to keep you on your toes!!!!!

[Shelby]

Last week my GD had her shots and DD was telling me she was cranky.  Before I thought, I said well did you give her Tylenol before the shots.  I got this "yes mother" I gave her Tylenor.  Well, last Saturday, at my sister's funeral several people asked about the baby and DD told them about her being cranky after getting her shots.  At least 3 people said - Did you give her Tylenol?  DD just rolled her eyes and said y'all are all alike.  So, to me no more Tylenol questions.
 

FAFE -- Join the Wallpaper Club (membership open to both MILs and mothers of AC).  IMO, your response was not at all intrusive or anything that should have warranted your DD rolling her eyes.  After all, SHE was the one who brought up the topic.  What are you supposed to say when she says the baby is cranky -- "Oh, that's nice."   ? ? ? ? ?   Of course not.  If DD doesn't want you to respond with a logical comment or question (obviously it was a fairly logical question, since 3 other people at the funeral asked her the same question), then maybe she should quit telling people the baby is cranky. 

I guess in the future you'll know to just say "Gee, that's too bad."  rather than ask a normal question that to most people would be considered innocuous.  But with an insecure DD it triggered an eye-rolling reaction. 

Glad I read this thread.  No GKs yet, but I'll never ask an innocuous question like that - I'll just say "Gosh, that's a shame."

But fortunately you said it to a DD, who will presumably forgive you for this cardinal sin. Heaven forbid you ever say it to a DIL. 

Thank

[FAFE]

Oh Shelby, that was written kinda tongue in cheek.  DD knows that we are full of advice, unwarranted or not.  She and her husband have been such good little parents since they adopted the baby (at birth).  It is an ongoing learning experience for her (as we have all found out).  DD had just driven 3 hours to attend my sister's funeral and had another 3 hours to return home.  There's a reason why she calls all her "old aunts" crazy.

She does, however, asks for advice with the baby and whatever I tell her I also add, you may want to ask your doctor so and so.  Usually my advice is right on as to his answer. 

[Pooh]

I'm so sorry phillik.  It seems you have married my Ex and got his Mother! Good luck with that! (Both of them) 

[Shelby]

Oh Shelby, that was written kinda tongue in cheek.  DD knows that we are full of advice, unwarranted or not.  She and her husband have been such good little parents since they adopted the baby (at birth).  It is an ongoing learning experience for her (as we have all found out).  DD had just driven 3 hours to attend my sister's funeral and had another 3 hours to return home.  There's a reason why she calls all her "old aunts" crazy.

She does, however, asks for advice with the baby and whatever I tell her I also add, you may want to ask your doctor so and so.  Usually my advice is right on as to his answer. 

Actually, FAFE, my comments were quite sincere.  A bit sarcastic of course, but sincere.  It sounds like your relationship with your DD is great - she occasionally asks for advice and you gently give it when she asks.  A wonderful balance.  Kudos to the both of you. 

I believe you when you say there's a reason she calls her old aunts "crazy" - but their response of "did you give the baby tylenol?" when DD comments about baby's crankiness can't be the reason.  Anytime FOUR people (you and the three others at the funeral) have the same innocuous reaction to a young mother's comments about baby's crankiness, it would seem to be a reasonable, conversational reaction by those four people - not cause for eye-rolling. 

Glad you have such a good relationship with your DD.  Fortunately so do we - just no GKs yet.

[lancaster lady]

Phillek :

you just say ''We have discussed this before , and you know I don't agree with it '' .

I try not to give advice unless asked which isn't often , however if I think my little GD is suffering
I will ask what has been tried do far .
Also when staying here , a dose of paracetamol was given every evening for teething whether she
needed it or not . I thought of her little liver coping with that and suggested cutting down .

It's hard NOT to offer suggestions , and we know you are the Mom .
As you say it's how these suggestions are offered , but it's only because we love our GC .