That 'punched in the stomache' feeling

[colleen01]

I haven't written for quite a while. I was doing rather well not contacting my 2 Oldest DD's.  The middle DD, after fiasco of her diluting GD formula with extra water, finally contacted us after 1 1/2 months. One small success (if interested in full story, it's in the "won't let me see GD" section. Anyway, my ODD(33), the potent poisoner of the others, I managed to not contact since Halloween. Today I did via text. Thought I could handle the possible rejection. WRONG! I texted her requesting help sending a PDF form for a pet walking company she works for and I am applying for. She texted back for me to ask another DD. I replyed that I thought she could help, and she responded with "Leave me alone". that's it, there's the punch. I felt sick,and thought I had progressed with keeping my distance. Now I'm back to square 1, trying to accept this DD hates her own mother so very much that I think she wishes I were dead. I am surprised at how she wouldn't even answer a detached formal question.  Any input, except more knives, can be heard for now. thanks for reading

[pam1]

Big Hugs, Colleen.  It will pass.  You did great though, IMO.  Maybe the next time you do want to contact them keep it very superficial, so if there is a rejection it is also on a superficial level for you.

[colleen01]

thanks Pam. I thought it was superficial, asking for help with attaching to a PDF? that's it

[pam1]

I guess in a way it is but what I meant by superficial is just a "hi, how are you?" 

[Doe]

They say it's not about how many times you get knocked down, it's about how many times you get back up, right?

You got knocked off your center but I don't think you're at square one again.  You're a lot smarter than you were the first time you realized what was going on with your DDs, imo.

Onward!

[Pooh]

I'm just playing devil's advocate here because I know your history with her, and she is going to be who she is.  I had to learn that I could not contact my OS at all unless I could not have any expectations.  I mean none.  Took me 10 months, shot him a text for his birthday but before I hit send, I had to say to myself, "You know he's not going to answer this or acknowledge it, can you handle that?"  My answer was yes, because I knew he was not going to and it didn't matter if he didn't, because I would know I wished him a happy birthday.  That was the only way I could hit send.

I know you sent something that you considered superficial, but you did have an expectation she would answer you because you asked for something.  Plus, did I understand you were asking for something that would put you working for the same place she does?  Maybe that was too much for her to handle after months of not speaking to you?

[Pooh]

I'm not excusing her behavior because she could have just not responded instead of responding hatefully, just thinking that maybe that's how she saw that question, if I'm understanding it.

[alohomora]

I think Pooh's right. You didn't speak for .. months? Not even 'happy holidays' over the holidays? And then send a text message asking for computer help?

Her answer, while rude, I think shouldn't come as a surprise.

I remember when we were in cut off mode from my MIL, and she sent DH an email asking him to do something to help them and his brother. We were like....are you serious?! We're not even talking and you're asking for favours like everything is okay?! We didn't even bother responding.

[firelight]

Good to see both sides of the story posted here, colleen01. 

I'm so sorry you tried to reach out and got shot down.  That really hurts I know. 

I have to agree with the others though, that there was something expected in return and a possiblity of you applying where she works would be a turn off for her. 

I hope you will be able to maybe shoot a superficial text or even just letting her know you love her no matter what in one.  And then leave it at that.  Keep us posted if anything changes.  I know that slap must have really hurt though.

Warm thoughts to you. 

[alohomora]

I think she was speaking out of hurt TBH. Like, she isn't good enough for other sorts of interaction, but if you need help she's good enough, you know what I mean? That's how DH felt. He couldn't believe they'd ask for help when we weren't even on speaking terms. It felt like massive entitlement.

I don't think she hates you - I don't know enough details but this sounds more like the response from someone hurting.

[colleen01]

no, my DD is the one who wants no contact with me. When she was talking to me, she told me about the dog walking. She doesn't live in my area, we would never see each other. the jobs are all given via internet. She hates anything personal, so when she has felt needed in an area such as this, she usually likes to be the "smart" one.  Trust me , she wasn't hurt, she didn't come for the holidays, my son in law brought the grandkids though. My DD is cruel, cold, detached, and plain hates me.  will keep you posted though and thanks for the thoughts!

[luise.volta]

You asked for something. No matter how small and insignificant…that is often a red flag. Are you thinking about working for the same company she is?

[Doe]

  Any input, except more knives, can be heard for now. thanks for reading

I've had attention on this since I first read it.  I  hope you don't think we are your enemies, Colleen!

[luise.volta]

All we ever offer is our own experience on whatever is being discussed. No one purposely throws knives here. Please take what you want and leave the rest unless you decide this forum isn't a fit for you. Sending love...

[colleen01]

Doe, thanks for thinking I'm doing a little better as of late. I always thought I expressed myself well, but lately (Knives was a little strong) I feel that when I go here for support, I am attacked instead. Like, you guys haven't talked for all of these months? Without going over our stories over and over again for newbies, alot of the women don't know our histories with our AC.  Luise, I love this site, it is very valuable to me, as it was the first place I found to know I'm not alone with being hated and treated like crap from my AC.  I know I've shared about my ODD not wanting me at all, but then every once in a while,like last summer, I seen her and she gave me a giant hug?  Then the Xmas clothes mistake I made around Halloween with my GK.  I'm having trouble summing up the latest events that really affect me with my AC, without having to write a book.  I welcome contructive suggestions,really I do. I take everything and weigh it, and do consider it.  I seen my counselor today, and explained my text to her regarding the dog walking job. She understood and agreed it was a "safe" way to reach out and try to connect after me being "good" for 3 months of granting her wish of no contact. My ODD has gone back and forth with me like this for 20 years.  Anyway,my counselor said she was plain rude, and mean. I should have been more prepared. At christmas she sent a few gifts for me from the GK via her husband? So, if I seem confused, it's because I am.  Dont give up on miss sensitive here,ok?