Don't know where to turn...

[Doe]

Today, I'm of this opinion.

If you feel like calling him, call him.  Listen to what he has to say, even if he has to say it over and over again.  You don't have to defend your husband or anything - just listen to him until he winds down.

If my son would respond to any outreach I made, and I was aching to hear from him, I would call him and listen to him.   Maybe someday, you'll have enough of what he's saying and not feel that ache.. Maybe he'll get it all out and run out of things to say.  Maybe you'll discover that he's not mentally ill but has just decided he wants to live his life in a way that's totally different from yours.  (I chose to live a life completely different from my parents and I'm not mentally ill.) 

I say follow your own instincts but maintain your self respect.  If you can do that, I don't think you can do wrong.

[SadToTheCore]

Good points all. Much to ponder.

[firelight]

I just want to give you a hug SadToTheCore.......  hugs((((((((SadToTheCore)))))))))hugs

Follow your heart in a wise way. 

Warming thoughts coming your way.

[SadToTheCore]

Thank you. Brought tears to my eyes. I'm having another particularly difficult night. I wonder if my DS is okay. I know if he could work things out with my DH we would have a chance at reconciliation.

I do know the phone works both ways, but because my DS is mentally ill and takes things so literally, when my husband said don't call or email me, my son won't ( he says to respect his dad's wishes). Meanwhile, my son won't talk to me either, so I'm stuck. I know he would love to work things out with my husband, but neither of them know how. And neither will go to counseling. Been there. Done that. My husband has had it and is very comfortable not having any contact with my DS. I HATE THIS.


Things have been so hard lately. It's so great to be able to come here for understanding.
Thanks again.

[firelight]

I really like coming here too......makes us feel so not alone.

[firelight]

Menfolk can be so stubborn.  I have to say though, it sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree there if they are both doing this.  Someone will have to make the first move and in reality, life is so short that it doesn't really matter who it is. 

Since I just buried my 23 yr old nephew, lots of things seem so petty. 

Call if you want.  You really have nothing to lose.  (I know you'll do what's right for you.)

[SadToTheCore]

Well, I still haven't called DS, as I'm so afraid that I'll just feel worse when I get off the phone. I assume he is still living with my sister. I did notice he hasn't used his phone in a week. Very distressing.

My problem today is this....  People ask me how he's doing. They remember him as a brilliant, talented, educated, funny, lovable guy. Most haven't seen these changes over the past five years or so. They are asking because they care about me (and him) and I don't known what to say. I don't want to get into the problems he's having. I don't want to say I have no idea as I haven't spoken to him in months, because he has been verbally abusiveto husband and me.

How do I respond?

[Kate]

I feel for you so much.  I'm praying for you. 

On how to react when people ask you about him - it really depends on how much they mean in your life.  Acquaintences I tell nothing, just a generic 'He's taking a break out west'.  Friends, I tell more.  Close friends, I cry with. 

[SadToTheCore]

I cannot get over the extreme sadness I feel over my son.  He was my friend.  He was so joyous to be around.  I had such high hopes for him, and now he doesn't speak to me.  He talked to my YD the other day, and afterward, she told me to move on.  She wouldn't be specific, as I know she didn't want to hurt me, but the way she said it led me to believe that he still hates my husband and me.  She said nothing has changed, and I need to begin to live my own life and not worry about him.  How can I do that??? I know I need to forget and live my life, but HOW???  I need coping mechanisms.  I've been to counselors.  They listen, but they can't change anything, and they don't give me any strategies for how to deal with the loss of my very special, very bright talented son.

I have a lot of questions:
What if he doesn't ever want to talk to me again?
Can I ever forget about this and feel joy again?
Is there hope that he will ever be his old self, or will I forever be plagued by this person I don't know?
Has anyone out there ever been through this who has learned to cope?
If so, please advise.  I'll desperate.

[elsieshaye]

STTC, I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me.  I instituted a "no talking about DS in any context except therapy" rule for one month (and I considered this site and one other one as part of therapy).  I let my boyfriend and my friends know that I didn't want them to ask me about how I was doing with the situation, or bring him up in any way, and I wasn't allowed to mention him either.  The purpose of it was to get some practice in living like the person I was before I was a mother, and also to make myself aware of how much effort and focus I had put on DS instead of on myself and my own life. 

I had to deliberately look at my life and say, "ok, what was I like before I had DS?  What were my interests?  What did I talk about?  What makes me happy?" And then I slowly started to, again deliberately, focus on those things every time I got sad or angry about DS.  It takes time, and I had to be careful to allow myself to grieve and be sad when I needed to but with a firm time limit each time.  (Like, I could wallow and be sad, but only for an hour, and then I had to go run errands or call a friend, or clean something.)

It was hard.  But, I'm over 4 months into it, and I've found it to be a really useful way to keep myself from obsessing about DS.  I talk about him sometimes now, but very little, and very factually (describing actual events, but briefly, and with a specific point in mind - not just to relive them). 


E.

[Doe]

  How can I do that??? I know I need to forget and live my life, but HOW???  I need coping mechanisms.  I've been to counselors.  They listen, but they can't change anything, and they don't give me any strategies for how to deal with the loss of my very special, very bright talented son.

Sadtothecore-
I'd advise you to look at your options. 

You can stay in this state of mind with a diminished quality of life for your remaining days.  What would that be like?  Say if you were consciously creating a life like that, what would you do?  Cry a lot,  be around people less and less, maybe either eat too much or not enough, make your DH and rest of your family miserable because you won't let go of your misery.  Stay in bed a lot and maybe stop getting out of bed on some days.

I'd say any other option would be better than constant sorrow.  Anything you could do to redirect your attention would be valuable action.  For me, it's helped a lot to get outside every day, exercise - even take some classes (I was surprised how much Chi Kung has helped just getting me to breathe again), get involved with some groups that hold some interest for you (even if it's only a faint interest, but keep up the involvement),  watch funny movies, listen to music that brings you up, read some great books, eat healthy food - oh, and pouring myself into my spiritual life, too.

I think it starts with you making the decision that you are not going to live this way anymore.  Maybe you aren't there  yet - in all seriousness, maybe you need to suffer some more before you are sick and tired of suffering. 

How would you help a loved one who was in the same position you're in?  Whatever you would do to cheer that person up is what you can do for yourself.

[Pen]

Elsie & Doe & everyone have given you a lot of wisdom, STTC.

It's an odd kind of "death-not death" you & a lot of us here are dealing with...but I think a lot of the same survivor coping mechanisms will work that are used when a loved one passes. IMHO, we tend to hold on to our pain & sorrow as a way of holding onto the person. We are afraid to let go because we don't want to forget them or have anyone else think we've stopped caring. I sometimes find myself holding onto my anger towards my DS's ILs because my overblown sense of justice cannot let them win! But as Doe said, what kind of a life is that for us?

My heart goes out to you; when I get inklings of my DS being lost to our FOO & completely absorbed by his ILs the pain is immense, but at least I hear from him every now and again. Nurture yourself; start with baby steps. Do one thing for yourself, then add another thing little by little. Find an opportunity to volunteer. Be kind to yourself. Journal your hurt, anger & sorrow; burn the journal in a ceremony of renewal. I'll bet that soon you'll remember who you were & you'll find your way once again.

[Kate]

STTC I read your post and want to cry with you.  I think the only way to deal with it is to make every effort to compartmentalise your suffering and move on with your life.  My mother used to say 'While you are holding a grudge, the other person is out dancing'.  I know it's not the same but the meaning is valid for you too.  While you are understandably heartbroken, it doesn't do you or your relationship with the rest of your family any good to hang on to the pain.  It doesn't help your son either. 

As the other ladies have said, keep busy, focus on the things you enjoy.  Take up boxercise, or another vigorous exercise to allow you to get some of the pain and frustration out.  Maybe schedule a few minutes a day to think about your son.  If he intrudes into your thoughts at any other time, tell him to get out of your head until you are ready to allow him in.  Take control of you, don't let external forces control your thoughts.  It does get easier with practice.  You don't yet know how strong you can be. 

[Purple Eyes]

Poor Sadtothecore, your story is sad, and I just wish you peace.  And the strength to be brave and move on if necessary.  Because it does take strength to stop dwelling on our sadness, it takes strength, courage, and practice.  I wish I could be as wise as some of the women here, but for now I am going to send you pleasant thoughts....there still are pleasant things out there, the song of the birds, the spring bulbs popping up, funny new comedies on television...those are the thoughts I am sending your way!

[JaneF]

I agree with that Lisa. It is difficult when our child has a mental issue, but our expectations of them have to change at that point. Hard to give up "the child" you'd known, and they are now seemingly total strangers suddenly. But we have to accept it, we cannot change or control that. I did not contact my son for a full year and a half...hard indeed. But I had to let him know there were boundaries, and I am not going to allow him to be verbally abusive and nasty to me. He finally called me then...one of the hardest things I ever did though! No point in forcing the issue until your son is ready to communicate with you. I feel your pain. Blessings to you...take care of YOU!  J