Don't know where to turn...

[SadToTheCore]

Well, here I am again....up and writing this at 4:00 a.m. because I can't sleep again.  I'm so happy to have found this site, as I read it before I go to bed and it often helps me drift off a bit more peacefully knowing I'm not alone.

My 29 year old son... extremely gifted, brilliant and compassionate... until about 6 years ago, has lost his way.  He has become someone I don't recognize.  I have NO idea what happened, but he just changed!  He says my husband and I have ruined his life, but gives no logical explanation as to why.  He cannot find a job, though he has tried, and he has no money.  All this coming from the guy voted Most Likely to Succeed in high school and college!  He says things that are illogical and seem somewhat delusional at times.  He has gone to counseling, but when he has gone, he went to help US, not himself, so he refuses go anymore.

DS was living with us for awhile, until it became so unbearable with the oddity of his ways and his verbal abuse, that we asked him to leave.  He went to live with a friend for 6 months, but the friend told him his time was up.  He had nowhere to go and no money.  My DH wouldn't let him live back here with us (understandably), so he is currently living with my equally strange sister on a farm in the middle of nowhere.  He has no car and is out of options.  I know he has applied to various colleges to get his MBA, but he has no money to pay for it, so I'm not sure how that will turn out.  He doesn't tell us what is happening in his life, so I don't really know.

Because of the way he treats us and the blame game that he always plays, my DH has pretty much washed his hands of all of this.  He gets very angry if I even discuss DS with him.  DH says that when DS is willing to change and get help, he'll be there, but until DS admits responsibility for his actions, he won't have ANY contact with him whatsoever.  Though I understand DH's opinion, it is killing me.  I know how unhappy my son is, and I believe with all my heart that he wants the best for himself, but he just doesn't know how to go about getting it.  My husband is waiting for an apology that I believe will never come.  I want so much to have a relationship with my son, but he pretty much refuses to talk to me at all, as he says until his dad talks to him, he won't talk to me either.  SO I'm in limbo... between a rock and a hard place.  I can have no relationship with my son until he apologizes to his dad, which I do NOT see happening. 

My son was always a happy go lucky, social city guy who has it all... or had it all... and now is living in this nightmare and he can't get off the merry-go-round.  He has no job, no money, no car, no home.... and is living with my sister (who isn't talking to me either, and who is pretty delusional herself), on some remote farm somewhere.   I don't know how to help him.  I don't know how to help myself.  I am at the end of my rope with this.  I'm up at all hours of the night.  I cry all the time.

I do have two beautiful adult daughters who love us, but I feel they get the short end of the stick because he's all I think about. He has begun to blame them for being a part of his ruination, and they've had it with him as well.  He basically has no one.   My attitude isn't fair to my DH and my DDs, I know, and I'm going to counseling, but it isn't helping.  I keep thinking of my son and what I can do to help him, and it's ruining my life.

Sorry about the ramblings, but it's late (early?) and I don't know where to turn.  I don't know whether to try to contact him (I haven't really spoken to him in 4 months) or just let him go.  I have texted him and emailed him a few times and he doesn't really respond.  He says he feels guilty having a relationship with me when his dad won't talk to him. 

Is the blame game from a person who is not thinking logically a reason to deny all contact with that person?

Is it possible he'll see the error of his ways and apologize to my husband for his verbal abuse?  I know my husband won't have anything to do with him until he does.  Is there hope?  I've always heard that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.... so here I am.

[Nana]

Dear Sad to the Core

The same way that he changed in a negative way, so can he come back to being what he had always been.  .  It is necessary sometimes to hit bottom to understand we have to make changes.  Of course you are sad because you love him, but taking verbal abuse from him is not the solution.    I dont understand what made him change but something did. 

I can only tell you that of course there is always hope.  I will have you in my prayers and you'll see that things have to change for you and your family.  Understand your husband, men are tougher and it is the way he is dealing with the problem which of course hurts him too. 

Dont give up on him.   Just try to enjoy your daughters and husband who need you too.

This is a great forum, you know that......and someone will certainly give you better advice.  You also know you are not alone ...you have us all any time you need to vent. 

Lots of love for you. 

[jdtm]

so he is  living with my equally strange sister on a farm in the middle of nowhere. 

I so feel for you.  Your posting reminds me of our cousin's son who seemed to have everything going for him and then ....  He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar (not to say this is the issue with your son) but I do wonder is mental health is not the main issue here.  If so, there is nothing you can do as your son is now an adult.  But, as with all "treatable" illnesses, if this is the case, then there is always hope for a "recovery".  I'm wondering - is there anyone in your family who might be able to shed some light on your sister's "strange behaviour"?  Just wondering ...  but as the previous poster said - "you are not alone ... you have us any time you need to vent -  so sorry ....

[pam1]

Welcome Sadtothecore

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History, both threads located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I like what Nana and jdtm said and my thoughts run along the same lines.  Glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of support here.

[Doe]

Hi-

I'm not quite clear - he does respond when you text him, just not as much as you want?  How about if you just be the person in the family to keep him informed about mundane daily events?  Move away from trying to fix him and his life (that's his job) and just talk about topics that won't explode.

I do think that you might be right that your DDs are getting the short end of the stick with you giving all your attention to your son when they are right there, in your life still loving you.  To me, that's an ethical decision you'll need to make about the rightness/wrongness of your actions.  It's a matter of treating them the way that you would want to be treated.

What your son is doing doesn't make sense and you can spend a lifetime trying to make it make sense.  I think you'd be better off just accepting that he's on a different path that you are not on, seeing life in a way that you don't see it. 

[Lisa41]

Welcome,
I was not comfortable cutting off all contact with my AD either. So what I have done is keep the communication superficial. As Doe said, I am the one to keep her informed about the mundane things going on in our family. So far it has worked in terms of turning off her mistreatment of me.

Once I decided I was done with all the drama she brought to my life, I was more able to clearly see just how much of my life had been devoted to trying to "fix" her. It was literally years.
Keep the door open with your son, but focus your energies on those that treat you well. You deserve to be happy!

[Pooh]

Just wanted to say welcome and I agree with the others.  You can't change him, he can only change himself.  And, he can't change you, you can only allow him to change you.  You recognize you are not fostering the relationships around you that want a relationship with you.  You don't have to write him off completely, but take a time out for awhile.  Like Lisa said, back off from his drama, don't add to it. 

[Ruth]

I understand what you are feeling.  My DS has similar pattern, except was always introvert.  Up to age 18 I can still remember him smiling, but not after that, and he's now early 30's.  We can question and speculate -  mental illness -  personality disorder ?- No one really knows and either option is gut wrenching for a parent to have to consider and/or come to terms with.  I also suspect drug abuse in some form has played into your DS, as I suspect with mine also. 

But I encourage you to get a grip on yourself, and come to terms with the fact that life is hard, and we have to develop muscles in order to make it.  My DS was in military from age 18 to 28, and stayed 10 yrs out of the country, I died a thousand deaths during those years.   I won't bore everyone with going back over that story, its in my old posts if you want to read it, but I can tell you that at this point I'm seeing little signs of improvement.  No, he isn't the more animated child that he was, but he writes now in more complete sentences rather than monosyllabic communications.  I sense that his hostility and 'loose cannon' behavior are backing off.  He is now holding down a job, and almost finishing up college in a very rigorous and challenging field of study.  I, also,  have been able to finally accept who he is and love his good qualities.  I am very careful not to over power him with emotion, communication, or affection as I know that this is a trigger for him to cut me off.  I know instances in our family line where there have been some personalities veering off into eccentricity. 

I can now look back and see that those ten years of physical separation (which I hated) were in fact the best thing for both him and myself, as I think likewise is the case of your ds living on this farm 'in the middle of nowhere'.  Who are you to know that it has not provided for him for a reason, and will play an important role in his life?  You will have to stay with this problem for a long haul, so there is no place for panic and despair.  Please make it your goal to find joy in your life, your other children and family members, and pray daily for your son but realize that this is his own experience and he has to find his own growth and passage through it.  He has made it through college, he isn't functioning on the level of a cabbage.  The best thing you can do for him is to be peaceful and appropriately detached, if he makes contact with you, remember that you're talking to an adult and not a child, and learn by reading lots of posts here how and where to set boundaries.  This is not hopeless, but it is just life happening and your ds has the power to make a choice when he is ready to turn the direction of his life around.

[SadToTheCore]

I miss my DS so much.  I'm contemplating calling him this weekend, but I'm so afraid he'll be rude to me or put me on the spot about my DH and why he isn't speaking to him.  I can't control my husband, and I'll have to tell my DS that.  I wonder, though, if it would be better if I just let him be for now until he realizes that he needs US!  I'm just so afraid that he would never admit that, as he has a lot of pride.  Plus, my DH told him not to call or email again, and my DS will definitely take that literally... he is VERY literal these days.

I told my DH I may call my DS, and he told me to do what I want, but he doesn't want to know a thing about it.  I can't help but feel he's helping to perpetuate the problem.  I HATE being in the middle, and I really don't know what the best thing to do might be...

[Lisa41]

When I finally decided I had enough mistreatment from my AD, I went a month without texting or calling her. It was really hard, but if you want a different outcome you must try a different approach.
Give your son time. Give yourself time. When you back away from a very emotional situation it really can provide amazing clarity. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was wonderful to see the dark cloud of sadness move from over my head. You deserve to have that cloud lifted also.
It will take time, but so worth it. Take care.

[Pen]

I agree with the other posts too, STTC. It's hard to stop calling or otherwise communicating, but it's worth a try. You can do it; just like breaking any habit, if you can make it 21 days you're good. After that, only call when you have something important to say. Calling "just to say hi" or "just to chat" doesn't go over well with some AC, especially some DSs.

[Pooh]

I think you are also going to have to reevaluate your feelings of being in the middle.  They don't have you in the middle, you do.  DH is telling you that any relationship you have with DS is fine with him, just leave him out of it.  You're not doing that.  You keep telling DH about things.   Sounds like your DH has made his decision and is letting you make yours, be grateful for that.  DS is trying to put you in the middle by bringing up his F issues every time.  Don't let him.  Tell him it's between them and has nothing to do with you.  You can take yourself out of the middle by honoring DH's wishes and not letting DS put you there.

I know I sound harsh, but one thing I had to learn during all my issues is that I had to reevaluate things I was doing that was either contributing, causing or enabling the problem.  That was on me, no one else. I had to stop blaming everyone around me and recognize I was doing it to myself.  Now, when things are going well I can smile and say, "I did it."  And when things are going bad I can frown and also say, "I did it."

We can be totally innocent and do nothing wrong and still be part of the problem by our reactions.  We can also be totally innocent and do nothing wrong and still be told we are part of the problem, even if we are not.  All you can do is your best.

[PatiencePlease]

Sad to the Core,

Pull yourself right out of the middle.  You can't control either your husband or your son's attitudes.  Just let it be.

There was a time when we lost touch with our son  (a few months ago) -- our relationship with him had tanked -- we finally placed boundaries (Bank of Mom and Dad closed) and he resented us and texted me some very hurtful and nasty stuff.   He moved out and cut all ties with us. 

During this time, I prayed for his safety every day, just as I always did.  I did not try to contact him at all.  Mentally, I took the relationship and gently placed it on a shelf.  In this way I knew the relationship still existed.  The relationship had to stay on the shelf because I couldn't work on it until he was ready to work on it too.

By placing it "on the shelf" I was able to enjoy the rest of my life.  I was able to enjoy my relationship with my daughter without fretting about what I was missing with my son.  I planned fun things to do with my husband, family and friends.  Of course my worries about my son were still deep in my heart but I didn't let those worries overtake me.

Knowing that your son may treat you miserably if you call him would change my mind about making the call at all.  What purpose does it serve??  You would only be intentionally hurting yourself.  You don't deserve that.

I hope my post gives you a couple of thing to think about.   I wish you the best as you continue to sort this out.

[shorewil]

I kinda agree with JYDM - twenties can be the time for some mental illnesses to emrge,re your commnt " my equally strange sister." A friend of mine had a "strange sister " and her daughter was diagnosed schizophrenic at age 18 - bipolar, depression etc can come into play, as well. Plus - in today's economy  he has graduated college and can't find a job - how depressing is that ?
It sounds like you have done your best - the rest is up to him. I know - we hurt  when they are hurting . I said to my DH  just the other night "remember , that  kid was once a part of me !"  Best of luck and try to sleep. Sometimes a "white noise " helps me to get there.

[SadToTheCore]

My friends, I cannot tell you how much help your responses have been to me. I have read them over and over for strength and comfort. You all make so much sense, and how wonderful it is that you would take the time to listen to and try to help a complete stranger.

I'm trying to have the strength to move on with my life and not worry about what I can't control. Maybe someday things will work out. I pray for that everyday.

Thanks again.