Is There Any Hope

[nikncon]

My 3ones your son is only 18.IMO he will have many more gfs.So brace yourself.My DS is 36 still single and I am still worrying about his relationships.Well, not so much now that these WW have helped me see the light.This too shall pass.Enjoy your YS and your DH.Life is too short.DS will see the light.If he doesn't you certainly did your best in giving him Life Tools to figure it out.

[My3Ones]

Alohomora, My problem with my sons behavior is that up until the past year he was happy with the family closeness and involvement.  It is not until his GF came into his  life that he suddenly realized he didn't want to be around us any more.  For instance when he came home for Christmas everything was going well  and as he spent more and more time with his GF his he became more and more cold and uninvolved with the family.  He didn't even speak to us the last few days he was home... just woke up went out and came home at 12AM.  I've always encouraged his having many friends and have a good time with them.  In fact they always came over our house to hang out.  That again changed once his GF was in the picture.  That is the difficult thing about this past year, she has taken over his life.

[Doe]

My3Ones -

Here's a thought.  As the youngest child of the family, I watched my older siblings go through various rebellions and upsets with my parents and family.   Kids grow up, they do things they don't want their parents to know about, they pull away.  He may be doing things in his life that you don't approve of, who knows.  He may be picking up on your anxiety and not wanting to deal with it.

If you can turn your fear into something else - respect for the fact that he's becoming a man - you said he's going into service after college?  Military?  That's an awesome step in life.  Maybe you could change your perception of him to the man that he is?

[Pen]

I'm of the belief that it is possible for a GF/BF/DW/DH to influence the behavior and attitudes of their mate towards his/her FOO. People can be  influenced by others from early on. How many times have we witnessed groups of jr high age girls who all dress/talk/write/behave/think alike? What about cults? It does happen, and we're not delusional to suggest it might be true w/our own AC, IMO.

It's confusing and heartbreaking and unfair - but what can we do but go on with our lives and hope they "get it" one day? The way you handle it now might affect whether or not your DS feels comfortable about possibly returning to the fold later. Anything you say or do to disparage either the woman or the relationship will not go over well (& will get back to the gf more than likely.)

My DS sometimes seems to have been taken over by the "pod people" (we haven't had a good Invasion of the Body Snatchers reference in awhile here) and I wonder where my DS went and who this other guy is? If I had a free pass to say whatever I wanted w/o repercussions I'd have a million things to ask/tell him. Alas, duct tape is my best friend now and forever.

[Pooh]

My opinion too Pen.  We are struggling right now with a SD that is such a follower, that one day she hates cream cheese and next day loves it because her friends do.  I'm serious, it's that bad.  Is it totally her friends' faults?  No.  It's mostly her fault for not standing up for herself and recognizing she is a person.  But her friends will tell her she's dumb if she doesn't like something they do or point out how wrong she is for liking something they don't.  This includes people.  So if she doesn't agree, they make her feel bad and make fun of her.  (Yes, I know....those are not friends and I keep trying to get her to see it.)

So the friends she has chosen have a huge influence over her and will make her change her mind about people and things.  Her personality combined with their influence is a mutual problem.  I have been watching this for 3 months now and it's heartbreaking.  I talk to her about it, and she gets mad because she doesn't see this as an issue.  I'm wrong and she's right.  Her friends are not that way and her words will be something like, "No, they didn't turn me against so and so, I just figured out they were right about so and so."  It's terribly sad to watch. 

When somebody has something that you want, whether that be love, attention, money, prestige, sex, drugs, etc. and you are being a follower, those people get what they want from you.  They know they can change your mind and will use whatever tools work (your weaknesses) to get it.  The follower gets what they want (love, attention, etc.) by doing what they want and say.  Everybody is happy except the people that are the innocent bystanders that are left wondering "what happened".  It's a vicious cycle and one I am witnessing every day with SD with her friends and the BF.

[lancaster lady]

Another take is perhaps he feels guilty about his close relationship with his family , as she doesn't have any
with hers , and by cutting ties he is making her feel that her situation is more acceptable and normal .
Who knows with some young people .
I admit the change in his behaviour certainly points in her direction .
Most sons do change when they meet GF's . Perhaps they appear more mature to them if they are not too
dependant on their family .
We have to sit back and watch I'm afraid , any advice from you will be the wrong one whatever you suggest .

[PatiencePlease]

My3Ones ~

Of course there is hope.   Your son has embarked on his journey to independence and it will take time for him to truly arrive.

Without going into all the details, we've experienced withdrawal from both our daughter and our son during their 18-24 age span.  Sometimes it was due to the person they were dating at the time, or it was simply who they were at that point in their lives.

I wouldn't hear from them at all for weeks while they were away at school.  Occasionally, I would just send a simple text "U ok?" and  they would respond "yup," or maybe a few words -- I just wanted to know they were alive.

Now my daughter is 25 and lives out of state.  I hear from her several times a week "just to check in."  She grew beyond the one word responses -- she's now chattier than I am and tells me everything without my asking any questions.  Our son, 23, has turned around and has been respectful of us.  He is moving out of state soon for his job.  His recent attitude towards us indicates he will stay in touch on a regular basis -- I hope so -- we'll see.

As hard as it is, we have to take a step back and let our kids figure out how they're going to navigate through life and their relationships with their family and with others.  We may or may not like their decisions, but these are not our decisions to make.

We gave them a good foundation that integrated the importance of family.  I find peace in knowing that I did the best I could.  Our job is done.  The rest now is up to them.

Just don't give up hope -- I think there will be more twists and turns as your son's life unfolds.

[pam1]

Interesting.  I tend to think we all are influenced by our experiences, people we met and yes, we are probably most influenced by our significant other.  IMO that holds true for *everyone* 

And we all choose to be influenced or follow or take advice or do something different.  Chose.  I know mind control, stockholm syndrome can happen.  But I guess I tend to think in a romantic relationship that following each other is very, very normal.  Healthy.  Not mind control but looking towards each other first.

For me anyway, it would have to be something extraordinarily serious to see a person as a bad influence and mind controller other than just not having the relationship I want with them.  I'm talking about giving up all their worldly possessions, giving up their careers or long term goals, not being able to function in society.  Those to me are signs of someone in a relationship where there is control being exerted over them.

Similar to friends, once one gets a significant other they generally *do* change and have less time to hang out with friends/family.  I think that is all very, very normal. 

[luise.volta]

I often wonder, in the situation where the gauntlet is throw down and our DSs get that they have to choose…how it could be any different. It they take a stand and choose us…they lose their present…if they choose DW, they lose their past. And remember, there are fringe benefits in the present. Lots of them. It was so painful for me when my eldest son did that. And yet, in marrying her and giving his word, there was no way he could find, later on, to keep us all. In addition she convinced him that both of them had horrible mothers and it was "you and me against the world." Sad. He was brilliant but not emotionally bulletproof.

[JaneF]

I too know that a DIL in the picture can change things within a family.  I agree once a man and woman marry "their family" is primary, but I don't see why a lot of times either her family or his is totally bannished from their lives.  Strange, but it happens.  I personally loved my ex husbands mom, she was one of my best friends and was like a mom to me actually.  I helped my ex sister in law (another one of my best friends) take care of her while she was dying of cancer.  My DIL is one you just cannot really get to know because she basically has only contact with her FOO, and nobody else.  She and my son even moved in with her mom recently after her parents divorced.  They are so enmeshed it's kind of odd really.  Her grandfather is a pastor, and in the tiny Church he has, all 30 or so Church members but a few are their relatives!  They just communicate within the fold I guess.  I guess I am much different because we do have a lot of friends we enjoy, and we still have family too.  Maybe the 18 year old son is just "spreading his wings" and trying to be independent?  At that age most are still a bit immature, so I'd just give it time and see what happens. A lot of relationships fail at that young age because they usually are not really ready for serious relationships.  He may need his family if that happens.  My oldest son went through this, but like I said, when the relationship failed he was back to being himself again.  But they do need to grow up and away from family to mature sometimes IMO.  Best to you.  J

[firelight]

Hello My3Ones,

Did your DS invite you to his graduation?  If so, I would not let the GF's presence interfere with that at all.  I would go.  If he didn't invite and you want to go, you can always just lightly let him know you'd love to see him go through his ceremony he worked so hard for.   You could offer to do a lunch with him and GF afterwards then tell him you'll be on your way immediatley following (whether that is to your motel room or home for you).  If he has let you know he definitely doesn't want you there, then you have a decision to make.  (I'd probably show up, watch from afar and then mosey after the ceremony but that is just me).  No matter what you decide to do, I do believe that there is hope.  Life changes us all as we go through our individual journeys.  Don't give up, My3Ones!  You  might just have to lay low for a while. 

Warm thoughts and best wishes to you and yours.      

[firelight]

I apologize My3Ones....I see the next scheduled visit wasn't for graduation but for a meeting for the parents.....hence:  the parents.....so go if you want to go and just put on your poker face if you must and smile at GF and be pleasant as pie.     Good luck in whatever decision you make to go or not.  Whatever that decision is will be the best one for you at the time. 

[tryingmybest]

You know it's funny, after reading the book "Til your son gets a wife," and after having a happy get together this week with 2  DSs DiLs and my foo I was looking back at the past horrible three years and trying to figure out advice I'd give to Moms starting this process, there is no one size fits all approach, so I'll tell you what worked for me ( so far ).
First of all your relationship has changed. I know you hate it, I think we all do. All of a sudden this person appears in the middle of your life and all contact with your son is filtered through his relationship with her. You are going to be angry and resentful but IMHO the absolute worst thing you can do is show it. Any demands or anger or fury directed at your son's SO will drive him away from all of you.  I think you can take that to the bank.
One of two things are true about your son's SO. She is either the perfect person for your son and the one who will truly make him happy, OR she is a controlling barracuda who will cut him off from everyone he knows and loves and make him miserable. We all pray for the first because we want our sons to be happy, but trust me if she is a monster daughter in law any attempts to get her out of your son's life will backfire and actually will give her exactly what she wants. She will point at your family and sweetly say - "they are crazy, demanding, don't love you ...or the dreaded they want to keep you a child, and a momma's boy." Then you become the common enemy and DS is so preoccupied with the "fight" with his family of origin he fails to notice just how controlling or demanding his SO is in every area of his life. Soon his FOO is cut off and he is simply absorbed into his new normal, and he has nothing to compare it to because he has been separated from his past.
I'm not convinced that wasn't the direction I was headed before I found this site.
So what did I do? I became the Stepford MIL. No pressure, no demands, no expectations. Didn't push for holidays, and praised my son and his SO, eventually wife every chance I got, focusing on everything positive I could. Most of that centering on how proud I was of the MAN my son was. Now all of that was true but I SAiD it.
I also took the chance to focus on me, and made sure our sons knew how much fun I was having doing it.
  For the time being it's working. Sons are calling and pushing for us to have a part in their lives, still not actual holidays, sigh.....
  One thing I should stress though, the original pull away has nothing to do with your son's SO they all do it and it's vital not to take it personally and vital not to blame your son's SO because it would happen no matter who he is involved with....it's a man thing by now I am convinced of it.
We are no longer our son's priority and okay it still bugs me, but I know we shouldn't be. But we are establishing a new and important place in their lives....it's a day to day process though and no it's not easy.

[lancaster lady]

Good post TMB ......however my fdil and I got.on great till my.GD arrived , then it all went downhill . Now they are married and slowly but surely my DIL realises I do not want to abduct her baby ! I am now allowed to.be part of my GD life .  I still don't.know.to this day why.she.took the approach she did never mind attachment parenting which I think was invented to smooth over her.crazy behaviour . Even my DS mentioned recently that no one was allowed near his DD , not even him .    We made it.through however and my GD and I have bonded like the strongest superglue on earth .......plse excuse grammar , this moby can't spell !

[tryingmybest]

That's the next minefield I have to get through  It's exhausting!