Is There Any Hope

[My3Ones]

I am amazed at how many families are in the same position.  I have been reading many of the posts here and they always seem to revolve around a new GF or BF... That's when the personality changes.  It started for our family about 1 1/2 years ago and things have gotten worse over time, not better.  Maybe I am still in the early stages of this but I have spend many hours crying and thinking about what I could done so wrong with my son.   

My 18 year old son started his first serious relationship about 1 1/2 years ago.  From the start the GF did not care for our family and was jealous of the close and fun relationship our family had. We have done everything for our children,  sent them to private school and have been involved in all parts of there school and activities.  Since my son has had his girlfriend he let us know everything we have done for him was not what he needed.  I guess he needed to have a terrible relationship with his mother and no relationship with his father like his GF. 

He now goes to one of the top universities in the country and wants nothing to do with us.  Doesn't txt or call.  Haven't spoken to his since he left on January 3rd.  I usually make the first effort to reach out, but I'm going to try to stick it out and not contact him this time.   The next time we are scheduled to see him is in March, when the academy has a get together for parents.  But we already found out his GF will be there too. 

The hardest part of this is that he has also cut off his brother who is very close and age with and was always very close to.  His brother has been heartbroken for sometime and his brother just doesn't care.  As a mother that really hurts.  I don't really care about myself, but to cut off his brother is inexcusable in my eyes.  Why does the GF mean so much to him and us so little? 

I'm just wondering if there is any hope?  Does anyone have a success story?  I've always tried to be hopeful, but after Christmas break things have gotten really bad and I don't see how they will change.  My son is a stubborn person and will probably not contact us out of spit.  Should I contact him or let it go?   

[Pooh]

Welcome My3Ones.  Well, you just wrote my story.  Exactly!

I wish I could give you a success story where my OS/DIL were concerned as far as the relationship has improved, but I can't.  I can give you a successful part of it though.  I have learned that I was a good Mother.  I learned that I did my best and that what once was in my control, no longer is.  I am only accountable for my own actions, thoughts, dreams and above all happiness.  He is responsible for his.  He's not responsible for mine. 

I will tell you that him and his brother don't have the relationship they once had, but eventually, they did start talking again on occasion.

[pam1]

Welcome My3Ones

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History, both threads are located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

Glad you found us, I think you'll find a lot of posters to relate to here.

Just a question but I'm curious about the brother he cut off.  How exactly has he cut him off?  Or is it more like he has pulled away from him?

Jan 3rd wasn't so long ago, IMO.  And I tend to think a lot this is very normal, especially for college aged kids.  They go weeks and weeks without talking to their parents or families.  I think there is a lot of hope in your situation to be honest.  If he was honest and told you he didn't need that much involvement when he was younger, I think he is telling you what he needs now.  And in the long run it will make your relationship with him that much better.

[Doe]

Hi-

My first thought is are you paying for his college?  If he is spending his time with you criticizing you and you are paying for his college, I think that should stop immediately.   I've found that people getting a free ride can find things wrong with the ride while  paying people don't mind. 

If you're not, forget what I said.

I would back away from this and give it some time.  He is making some choices of his own now and there isn't a lot you can do about it but you can take care of yourself and your family.  Maybe since he's chosen to be a critical ungrateful son it'll give you some relief?

[My3Ones]

Doe,  Thank you for your response.  Unfortunately, he does not have to pay for his college nor do we.  He has a free ride for now, until he has to do his service.  I have let go of some of the things I can't control.  He is making his choices and I don't agree with them.. I think he knows that and that is why he has so much anger for us.  It would be easier for him if we didn't care so much and just let him do whatever he wanted without any recourse.  Some of his friends have this type of relationship with there parents, although I wouldn't call it parenting.  Being a parent isn't easy. 

[My3Ones]

Pam1,   The two brothers have had a few blowups because he chooses his GF over bros.  My estranged son wants his brother to think for himself but it has to be that he agrees with what he is doing or he is wrong.  They don't speak or text.  He actually rarely speaks or texts anyone but his GF. 

[Doe]

Hmm. I think maybe it's in Life's hands now.  You raised him up to where he is now and he's saying that he can take over from here.  This may be one of his worst choices or one of his best, but it's his to make.  It is hard!!  Maybe if you let go now and find some way to respect his decision, that he's making the decision for himself,  - maybe he's looking for some respect.

As for the sons, they have to work out their own relationship.

[alohomora]

My DH (Then DBF) went through something a bit similar. While he didn't accuse his parents of anything, he in fact had a fairly enviable childhood by any account - mother has some anger issues but that aside, he was always loved, cared for.

We met at 18 and I know that he began pulling away from the 'fold' around that same time. It really was love at first sight, and he put, and continues to put, so much of his affection into our growing family that he is no longer calls home like he used to.

MIL hasn't dealt with this well from the start. She is used to what my BIL's do - call/see her daily. My SIL calls/sees her daily. YBIL's gf is a bit more detached but he (late 20's) still lives at home so they also see her daily. DH calls maybe every other week and we fly out there once a year (although I haven't gone in about two years for various reasons - nothing personal just outside factors.).

The reality is, as DH has told me on many occaisions, he just *isn't* interested in being involved like that with his FOO. He loves them. He does favours for them. He is extremely grateful. But he is happy with his wife, our family, his work, his sports, his buddies, coming home and watching a game.

A difficult transition for everyone.

[pam1]

Well put, Alohomara.

I really do think there is a lot of hope and positivity in this situation, it's not a lost cause by a long shot My3ones.  IMO, like Alohomara said is that it is a difficult transition.

Just from my experience and observations, it is very normal for young love to be blinded by it.  It's also pretty typical (from what I've seen) that children pull away for awhile before coming back as an adult.

Also, as Alohomara put it, my DH went through something similar and I never once doubted that he did it to hurt anyone on purpose.  He just didn't feel the same need for the level of contact as other family members felt.  Even now, in our 30's some of his siblings are still mad that I'm his first priority over them.  IMO, it's only natural that significant others start taking more of an importance in adult childrens lives, while also not saying their FOO is less important.  It is important but in a different way.

I guess my concern would be that (like we've talked in a few threads lately) is that if he feels his feelings and the way he prioritizes his life are being criticzed or make him uncomfortable to be around, in return he'd feel less like coming around.  Tryingmybest had some good articles on the way men relate to familial stress and their responses are to pull away rather than become closer. 

[luise.volta]

M - My take is that there are times adult children disconnect to be able to "individualize." To pull away can be very difficult and often the only way to do it is to discredit origins and loved ones. None of this is usually a conscious process. In time…as life takes its toll and maturity surfaces, they can return, not as our children but as our friends. For me, what kept me sane was to say to myself, "It ain't over 'til its over." One son did that…he came back and he is my rock. The other did not. Sending love...

[herbalescapes]

Did you take it seriously when he was 3 and told you he hated you because you wouldn't let him watch TV?  18 is an adult legally but immature emotionally for the most part.  There could be all sorts of things going on, so YES, THERE IS HOPE!  A lot of times a new BF/GF may be a catalyst for a change in other relationships, but they are not necessarily the cause.  When the bf/gf (or spouse) gets identified as the cause, people fail to seek out the true reasons and, of course, nothing gets resolved.

Remember that you are a person in your own right and don't let your situation with your DS dominate everything else in your life.  The brothers will have to sort out their own problems.  If things are really bad, try counseling just for yourself to learn how to deal with things.

Good luck!

[Kate123]

Dear M- The advice I give is for you not to do what I did. When my AD fell in love it caused a lot of problems in the family. The more we tried to break it up (she was 16 he was 19 or 20) the more it pushed them together. Now, 20 years later their is still no family relationship to speak of, she pretty much cut off ties including her brother. My advice is to ignore it-maybe you'll get lucky and it will go away and he can finish growing up.

[lancaster lady]

Hello M and Welcome .....

Your son is only 18 , and first time away from home perhaps ?
He is maybe trying to prove to himself and his girlfriend he is grown up and doesn't need his family .
I would give him some space to grow , I think he'll be back sooner then HE thinks .

[My3Ones]

Everyone has good suggestions and I do need to give this time and space.  It has been so incredibly hard for our family, since we have always been so close in the past and we don't understand what we did wrong.  We just need to start accepting that things are different now and hopefully in the future they will be better.  Thanks to all.... after reading these posts I think things may work out.  I do feel like there is hope~   

[luise.volta]

You didn't do anything wrong. There's no explaining the un-explainable. Sending love...