Fostering a relationship when my fMIL hates me. (MIL's please help me!)

[pam1]

sadandfrustrated, I get what you're saying but and yes, it's a but you can't make her do or feel anything differently.  IMO, if she was going to accept you in the role she would have already done it.  If she's going to one day it'll be when she chooses too not b/c you said something that turned a light bulb on for her.  Similar to addicts, it has to be her choice.

Her opinion or whether or not she accepts you does not define you or your role.  You decide that, she accepts or not.

[Pen]

S&F, welcome. I wish I had a magic bean for ya. When you figure out how to "get her (FMIL) to stop being so darn rude" let me know! Maybe it'll work on my DIL & SM, lol.

We have a rough go when we have expectations, since they require others to do what we think is best and they don't always want to (imagine that!) I am working on letting mine go, but it hasn't been easy. Another thing we can do is stop banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out the "whys." My new mantra (tongue in cheek) is "I don't know why, just lucky I guess!" I don't know why DS married a woman who clearly doesn't approve of us. I don't know why the other men in my FOO married women who have moved them far away and out of my life or purposely cut them away from us. I don't know why my DF married a woman who hates me & my sib. I don't know why I don't have the "Norman Rockwell/Cosby/insert name of favorite TV show here" family. Thought I did everything right, but couldn't control anyone but myself.

I agree w/ the other posters. Give FMIL a very time-consuming but not critical job to do; practice unemotional, yet kind, detachment and carry on w/your plans as you see fit. Perhaps when she sees you have no intention of cutting your DH off from his FOO she'll relax a bit. Best wishes!

[Doe]

Amen, ladies.

S&FFDIL,  All this attention you have on your MIL would be better spent on yourself and your family in the making.   Your MIL is a bad movie and you can change the channel if you want.

Try to keep what you are hearing about expectations in mind over the years.  If your AC turn out not to be like you expected, it'll come in handy then.

[herbalescapes]

SF,

Have you discussed the situation with your FH?  A lot of times women complain about an IL problem when really they have a DH problem.  Is your FH going to stop sharing texts or other communications from his family?  Is he willing to stand up to any rudeness done to you in his presence?  If you two are on the same page, things should be bearable. 

I think it's great that you realize your ILs don't have to fill in for your FOO's shortcomings.  Next time FMIL says you haven't tried to get to know them, tell her you've spent so much time getting to know FDH in the biblical sense, you just haven't had the energy. 

Good Luck!

[lancaster lady]

Hello SF and Welcome :

I have been a MIL who took a long time to understand and get one with my DIL .
It's very hard when two women are vying for the same man .
She has known him all her life and resents the fact his attention is now on someone else .
It takes time for us Moms to adjust I'm afraid .
Sometimes we don't realise we are saying or doing hurtful things .
The one thing that made me sit up and take notice was when my own son told me how hurt
she was because ............things I'd said , or done whatever . Unknowing  and unwittingly done
by myself .
My DIL and I have a long history of wrong doings between us and eventually worked things out .

I will say that being excluded from the wedding plans really hurt me , until they ran out of money that is !!
So as a gesture of good faith , you could offer her something to organise , and maybe your future husband
could tactfully mention how hurt you feel .

On the other hand if she is downright nasty and knows exactly what she's doing ....go ahead and do your own
thing !! lol
She will eventually get the message you aren't going to go away and have to get on with it , or lose out big time !

Oh dear , I don't envy you .My last year was what you are about to go through ....Good Luck !

[Ruth]

Dear Sad, I am going to say something very very hard to you.  I have lived the life you're describing, but with the advantage of there not being children involved.   I went back and read your post twice, and the only real reference I see to you fdh is the one about the proposal and setting the date, I believe you remarked that both you and fdh say the mil would not be welcome at the ceremony, but I would like you to expand on that.  This can become a war zone for you, and a long long heartbreaking ordeal.  It could make for conflict and stress that you haven't even begun to imagine, especially when there are future children/ grandchildren.  Even with fdh professing his undying support, I would just wager that he is part of a very strong, very persistent, and very powerful family unit.  You may be fragile, and at this time buoyed by wedding plans and honeymoon plans, but I wouldn't advice a daughter of mine to enter into a marriage under strong opposition from the groom's foo.  I hope you will think this over, and really step back and objectively consider if this is the life you want, and the life you want to raise your children in.  In all probability, it will not get better, but rather it will heat up in time as the power struggle ensues.  I am sorry, and I wish I could be more positive, but I've had to live the past 13 years under the shadow of a powerful mil who thinks I'm not good enough for her son, and thinks that no matter how I live my life, I don't treat him 'good' enough.  At times she will relent, and be cordial, but I always know that I'm regarded as unwelcome in that family.  I would never do it again if I had it to do over.  I saw the red flags before marriage, but like you I was so excited about this loving, close family and I was so positive that I'd have them as my own adoptive family also.  Your fdh may be very sweet, like mine, but I hope you will take this slow, and delay this wedding for maybe even a year or more, and get this resolved before taking vows.

[Chrisky]

SadandFrustrated.  I've read and reread your post and there are a few things not clear to me.  You've been dating FH for 3 years, things not going well with FMIL and you say you've tried to get to know her but to no avail?  How exactly have you tried? 
What about your FH, he gets this e-mail from his sibling and shows it to you?  Does he say anything to his sibling? - like "I love this girl and will not accept this from you."  Has he spoken to his family and/or Mother to try to get this cleared up? 
I have a DIL that has said  similar things to me about trying to get to know me.   But IMO she has not tried at all.  The more I read posts on this site, the more I'm
 of the opinion that it is my DS that has not made the effort to get things sorted out between us. 
I think it would be a very big mistake on your part to not have your future ILs at your wedding.  It would create an even wider rift in whatever relationship you might have.  Let her plan something as others have suggested, and even if it's not how you would do it, please make sure you thank her profusely. 
As Ruth has said, think this one over. 

[Sassy]

sadandfrustrated FDIL wrote:

Recently she tld my fH that the nasty text his sister sent him about me was excusable for a multitude of reasons, and then yelled at him for letting me see it.  She said that they (family) should be able to say whatever they want and not everyone (me) find out about it.

herbal wrote:

Have you discussed the situation with your FH?  A lot of times women complain about an IL problem when really they have a DH problem.  Is your FH going to stop sharing texts or other communications from his family?  Is he willing to stand up to any rudeness done to you in his presence?  If you two are on the same page, things should be bearable.   

This was my thought, too.   Why was FDH involving his mother in texts his sister sent him about you?   You said his family was "close".    What was described afterwards didn't sound like 'close' to me (such as, a son who is refusing to invite his mother to his wedding), so I wondered what close meant.  Does that mean he tells his mother everything he (and his sister) does? 

Unless his sister is 12 and misusing a cell phone his mom pays for, to send nasty texts to him... I'm wondering why a grown man is he talking to his mother about a disagreement between himself and his sister.  He has a choice not to give his mother the opportunity to tell him excusable reasons for his sister's behavior.  If his mother brings his sister up to him, he can say "Thanks for asking, but this is between me and my sister and I'm not going to talk about it with you anymore."  Like herbal suggested, does FDH take up his problem with his sister, with his sister directly, and simply let her know what he will and will not engage in with her (such as, no nasty texts about the lady he loves because it hurts him.)

What does you FDH do, when his mother is so darned rude to you?   Does he say "Mother, please don't talk like that to my fiancee?"  Does he politely excuse the both you and end the visit until his mother is in a better mood?  Does he let her know that if she wants to continue seeing you, she'll have to stop communicating that you're unwelcome? Or does he just ignore it or play sheepish, and expect you to go back over her house next week for another helping of rudeness.    What he does when he brings you around someone who's regularly rude to you, says far more about him than it does the rude person.

I take you at your word that your MIL is rude to you. (That being said, it is certainly not rude of someone to not want to get to know me as much as I want to know them.  Resistance to intimacy is not rudeness.)

[foofoo]

OP, I have to agree with what Ruth had to say.  I too have in laws who don't like me and are horrible towards me.  I also have two daughters and a son and if they are ever in a situation where they are about marry a person whose family simply does not like them, for whatever reason and it really doesn't matter what the reason is, I would advise them to find someone else.  Because even if their potential spouse loves them to pieces, an in law war is simply awful for all involved and I want happiness for my children, not an unwinable war. 

My DH is a good guy.  He is a great father, a good provider, and a loving husband.  That being said, as much as I love my DH, if I knew then what I know now, I probably would not have married him.  I realize that is sad, but it is what it is.

[Pen]

Foofoo, I'm with you. My first marriage ended after 2 years (no kids yet) because I decided it wasn't worth running the gauntlet with the ILs anymore. I'm glad I got out, even though I left a wealthy life for a much less wealthy one.

This is kind of similar to what I've been wondering since DIL announced she hated us. Why would she marry our DS if she knew beforehand she intensely disliked us? Hmmm...

[luise.volta]

I was thinking of the other side of that coin. I married at 20, a guy whose parents adored me. They'd never had a daughter and thought I was the bee's knees. Wrong guy…right inlaws!

[pam1]

Luise, this is my DD (daughter from previous relationships) grandparents and me!  They love me lol.  They joke that when Ex and I separated they kept me.

Knowing what I know now...hmmm...I wouldn't say that I wouldn't marry my DH.  I would but I'd require certain issues to be non issues before we tied the knot. 

A significant others family liking or not liking you doesn't have to be a deal breaker.  IMHO, it's how your significant other deals with it that either makes it or breaks it for the relationship.

[luise.volta]

P - That happened to me, too! I kept that MIL…there's a story about her in "Success Stories")...until she passed on at 104! When I divorced her son, she thanked me for giving it a go for 18 years and for her beautiful grandsons.

My "ex" DIL and I decided not to get divorced. That was 16 years and ago and she is so close to me that she wants me to move where she lives. No can do, it's either too hot or too cold there for me there…but we're still that close. She and my son have stayed good friends, too. 

[lancaster lady]

What about my DIL and I ? We got on great until my gd arrived ! How do you work that one out. ?   I think we try to remain friendly because of my gd , but there's always the underlying wariness of what we say and do . I suppose thats maybe true of many MIL/DIL relationships .

[luise.volta]

LL - She may find you intimidating. Not because you are but because you have been around longer and have learned a lot of life's lessons that still await her. She's responsible for a child now…and at the same time she may be leaving childhood behind to a greater degree. I can remember being defensive when that happened to me. My MIL was so competent without even knowing it and I had so much to learn. I set up boundaries for a time and kept her at a distance because it was too confronting. Sending love...