daughter arrested, fear for grandsons

[JaneF]

Well, I knew in my heart it was a strong possibliity that my daughter would find legal troubles at some point.  She has had minor legal deals like rental evictions and lawsuits for the costs of those (she never has paid those judgements), and doing the title loan thing on cars and having difficulty paying those and keeping cars etc.  Family services took my grandson this past several months and I had to drive a total of 6 hours to go get him, then they returned him to her.  So...apparently she was busted a few days ago for assault.  I do not have details because she did not contact me at all, I found out via other avenues.  I do not know if there was a bond, or where were young grandsons were during this episode.  I don't know who was apparently assaulted either, just that she has court appearance first week of February.  She is bipolar and has obvious mood swings, but she also abuses mostly prescription drugs, but uses some street drugs too.  I also hear through a very reliable source that her "felon husband" had to call an ambulance for her in the recent past month or so because of a seizure thing.  She has no history of seizures, and so I am concerned it may be due to health issue such as drug misuse, or even a physical health problem perhaps.  She refuses to speak to me still because she is angry at me for not approving of her recent marriage to the repeat felon she met in drug rehab, and who she has said does not treat my grandsons well, and who is also abusing prescribed meds (mostly pain narcotics).  Well, so sorry but she is so very unstable because she either abuses her meds or street drugs, and her bipolar disorder is pretty much uncontrolled, and so severe she has been on disability for several years now.  Maybe this is a mean thought, but I am hoping this legal issue might force her to either go to court ordered counseling, or drug rehab again etc...but who knows?  I am wondering what some of your thoughts are on me possibly speaking to the prosector about issues with my daughter that may help with this legal ordeal (not help her out of it, but help them realize she may be a danger to herself and others due to her violent reactions at times, and maybe get her to have to be supervised by probation or something?)  She still is living over 3 hours away so I do not see my grandsons now, and since they are angry at me they withold even phone contact with the children.  She does call or text her daughter that I am raising occaisionally, but ignores her call or texts majority of the time. This is upsetting to this child of course.  Thanks for allowing me to vent once again.  I am feeling okay lately, I am at peace with the situation since I cannot control those issues, and I refuse to let them control me!  I just take one day at a time!  I just needed some thoughts on whether I should try to contact the folks I mentioned earlier in my post to give them info on my daughter so maybe she can be provided with therapeutic help, or if I should not do so.  The reason I ask is because I would also want them to know if need be I can and will take my grandsons instead of them going to foster care if she goes to rehab, or gets a few days jail time!  I don't relish the thought of the drug abusing felon having them by himself at all!  Thanks in advance ladies, and blessings to you all.

[luise.volta]

I'm so sorry, J. And I have no suggestion except to see an attorney. We just don't have the ability here to be of help when there is a serious, immediate crisis. You are facing medical issues and legal issues and custody issues that we would be unwise to try to address. We aren't trained or licensed to do that and could do more harm than good. None of us are professionals and when you are in crisis, that's what you need. We can offer comfort and caring, just as you have offered it to others here. We can offer you support in working through your feelings and reactions to the stress you have to be experiencing…and we can carry you in our hearts but this isn't the place to find the kind of specific answers and directions you require ASAP. We're all sending love...

[JaneF]

I must apologize Luise!  I think I was venting so quickly I was not wording what I wanted to say correctly to be honest!  I do not plan to intervene with my daughter specifically as far as medically OR legally.  I will just let the situation play out as it will.  Less stress for me, and to be honest I have no control anyway, and I am perfectly okay with it.  I think I basically was asking maybe if others thought it mean of me to just relay info and nothing more.  If that is a gray area and you wish to lock the thread I understand.  I also think I just wanted to update on my situation, and offer the fact that I am still okay with where I am at this point.  I have learned (for the most part ) to not let things hurt me or worry me like they may have in the past.  It's all in one's attitude sometimes is it not?  Thank you for your response Luise, and again I am sorry if my post sounded like I really need legal or mdical advice...I don't.  I know pretty much everything about her medical issue, and if I need legal advice I'd of course seek counsel for thank.  Blessings to you all, and I do appreciate the kindness and support we can get here.  J

[luise.volta]

Thank you so much, Jane, for clarifying that. We are here for you 100% as long as you have yourself covered. I sometimes start to panic myself if I think more might be expected of us than we are licensed to give and therefore, we might be letting someone down when they seriously need help we can't offer. Sending love...

[Pooh]

Sorry Jane for all the troubles.  I know here where I live, many GPs when they know there are situations arising that could cause GC to be taken, will contact child services and just let them know that they are willing to take the GC if it comes up.  It may not work that way everywhere.

You could make that call and ask without really getting involved with anything going on with DD. 

[elizabeth]

Hi JaneF,

No, I don't think it mean of you to let things go as they do of themselves with the situation with your daughter, grandson and her husband. You are doing lots by raising the daughter and keeping your own life in good shape. I found it so difficult to cope when my daughter was arrested. But I let things take their course and she made it through the community time she had to do and later was able to finish high school in a special course and then got off drugs and alcohol for about 5 years. After that, I am sad to tell it, she became dependent on a lot of prescription medications, all of which I know she would be so much better off without. She has been doing the prescription thing for years now.

I thought about having my grandson removed at one point because of the people she had living with her and him. I decided not to do that and instead became as much of a help and role model as I could for several years before that caved in as of course it was doomed to do because pretty much any thing I accidentally said that wasn't approving of everything she did, was grounds for expulsion from her life.

 I'm glad I took that time and all that it cost for my nerves and the money I spent on groceries, and unpaid bills and from my savings account $5000 to cover debts she had during those early years of his life. I wish I had had more time with them, but eventually she decided not to let me see him except to babysit after he was asleep. One of her complaints was the cartoon video about St. Bernadette I had gotten for him, so you can see that it was unreasonable how I was being treated.

You seem to have been through those times too and I truly hope your daughter will come around and stop the drug abuse.

Even though things have not all gone well, my DGS is in college now and doing fairly well. He is working plus doing his studies, has a nice girlfriend and seems like a good kid if certainly not perfect, I don't think he is into drugs at all. So, take heart, sometimes the best parents get the rotten kids and the worst parents get responsible hard working kids! Strange, but it does happen!

I hope that things will turn around for them, there is a chance it will cause her to stop the drugs and she can rebuild her life and become a stable mom after all. I hope so.

[firelight]

Hi JaneF....
All of our situations are so unique that it's hard to tell you what to do....even though I know when we come here (including yours truly) we just want someone to tell us what to do when we're overwhelmed.....

I did call Child Protective Services on my own DD and SIL.  I cried the whole way through it and felt this tremendous guilt afterward that went on for some time.  I felt I betrayed my own DD...but come to find out, she and SIL were using very serious and highly addictive street drugs that could just have easily killed them at any moment.  I have no idea what happened after I called CPS, but I know that not too long after, my DD wanted to get clean and is in rehab as we speak and I have GD for now.  You have to do what you have to do to protect the innocent.  Who knows what kind of sick individuals are prowling around your grands.....because they are all just that.....sick (physically, emotionally, spiritually). 

If it is best for you at this time to just wait and see how it plays out, then you need to do what ever it is your gut is telling you to do. 

You're a loving grandma for taking the 1 GD right now.  I know that is so very hard. 

I agree with luise though, try to get some counseling on it....I'll bet you could get a free consult with a lawyer (there are such things) just to see what they would have to say about it.  Or you could buy yourself a 1/2 hr or an hr to sit down with one.  Can't hurt. 

Warm thoughts to you JaneF.  Take care of yourself!

[firelight]

p.s.  your post about your DD finding this creep in rehab makes me secretly cringe....my SIL is heading there immediately after my DD gets out and I wonder in the back of my mind if she won't eventually leave this husband as he is a noncontributor financially... it's crossed my mind she may meet someone.....I hope it's not in rehab or in a narcotics ananymous meeting....there I go again, letting my imagination run wild.......

so your DD went through rehab and is relapsing then?  (it happens more often than I want to think about right now)

1 day at a time.   

[JaneF]

Thank you for your responses.  I already have gone the legal route years ago, so we have legal custody of the 12 year old grandaughter.  We have since she was a few months old.  Yes it was a disappointment when she met her now husband in rehab!  She didn't get the certificate of completion either, so she apparently left or was asked to leave.  She has not stopped abusing however, mostly it is her prescribed meds though...still not good though of course.  I am still just waiting and keeping a watchful eye from afar, and have gotten the information through computer resources and talking to someone who is close to the situation and lives near her and my grandsons.  My daughter and her husband are not aware that I communicate with this good source, or at least they have never let me know they are aware.  lol  I doubt it because the other party would like for them not to be aware as well.  I am still in a good frame of mind, so perhaps I actually have learned to only change the things I can, and let the things go I can do nothing about.  Took a good long time to arrive here though to be honest.  I suppose I finally got tired of being tired, and stressed most of the time.  Still no word from my middle son either, but then I have also grown accustomed to that situation as well.  He refused to have anything to do with my ex husband for a very long time, but just recently my ex gave him a very nice, very big tv set...so he has a temporary relationship with him, but it will not last unless my ex continues to give to them or keep them happy!  Or my DIL will get upset because she really only wants her FOO involved in their lives, and this will put a stop to their communicating with my ex.  And life goes on!  I do not miss the drama and chaos.  I hope this post finds everyone well.  I think about a lot of you often.  J

[CityGirl]

What a tragedy all around!!  I am so sorry.

I wish I knew the exact words to bring you some comfort, but I cannot think of anything that is not trite.  Just know you and your family are in my prayers.

[elizabeth]

I need to tell you all that I am one of those who used to do drugs and drank too much. I didnt have much problem with the drugs, I quit those when I got pregnant with my first DD. I got to AA when Iwas 24. ODD was 2 years old then. I have been completely sober and no drugs including also I'm not on any prescribed meds since 1974.

I met a very nice man, who is now my DH for 14 years, who has never done drugs nor has any drinking problem.

There is hope for everyone, please dont lose heart. Life can be really decent even for those who have messed it up in the past.

All the best to you and your family J!

[JaneF]

Good morning all you fine ladies!  Thanks Elizabeth, and others who replied.  I won't lose heart, I have been through so very much more in my life than this (another story for another day!), and somehow I ended up stronger for it I think.  I try to avoid the proverbial "pity pot", no time for that!  I do need to vent once in a while, as most all people do, but try to do that in a healthy way as well.  I saw on the computer web site I look at that my DD has her arraignment for the assault charge today at 9 am.  I do not know procedure as far as criminal things go, so I haven't a clue what will happen.  But what ever does happen, just happens.  She has to learn consequenses, and now is good a time as any since she is 29 years old.  I do worry a bit about my 2 small grandsons, but since I have no control it would be senseless to let it get me down.  She has been lucky even with all the junk she has done in the past, so she has never been arrested or charged with anything until this.  I'd probably cry if I ever got a speeding ticket!  So far, I have never had one.  I guess I'll just wait and see what happens!  Have a most joyous day.  J

[luise.volta]

That is so inspiring, E. Thanks so much for being you! Sending love...

[luise.volta]

And now you are inspiring me, J. This is a day when I look to all of you and count my blessings…one by one. That's what you are!

[JaneF]

YOU inspire ME Luise!