My son's behaviour is so upsetting

[DaisyG]

I'll try to be brief...
My son has a very good job overseas. I was invited to see them. We flew to their place together after they visited me for a few days. First day we had plans to go out. My son and daughter-in-law went to bed as they were tired after the flight (I was too!). I was left with the 2 small children under 4 for about 3 hours. I was jet lagged, too. My DIL ticked me off for letting one of the children near the bedrooms and went back to bed. Finally my son emerged..did not come near me. I said when are we going to (name of place). He said grumpily we aren't going. I angrily said "Well, I'm not sitting on the lounge all day. I'm going for a walk." and went. After a while he met me. Said a lot of hurtful things, ordered me into my bedroom. Told me to stay there while they booked my Flight. After 3 hours in the bedroom I was shunted onto a bus to the (Foreign) Airport where I had to wait 3 hours for a midnight flight home. (10 hour flight!).
That was before Christmas. I have not heard from him since. I sent the Christmas presents to my Grandchildren which my DIL thanked me for.
My little Granddaughter loves me a lot and I feel so sad for her as well as me.
I feel so hurt by the way he treated me.
They have a servant who they treat with contempt and that is just how I was treated.

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A related problem:

My daughter lives near me and also only phones me when she wants something. I mind her children so that she can have a career. It's a one way street.

So, adult children can be hurtful, disrespectful and selfish even when they have been supported and cared for during their childhood.

As I am on my own I find it hard not to have dark times as I feel very unloved by them. I try to keep busy but one can't be busy 24 / 7

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Pooh]

Welcome Daisy.  Well first I want to say, that was just plain awful of them to do to you.  Second, my advice....don't do it again.  We teach others how we want to be treated.  Same with your DD.  Set some ground rules with what is acceptable to you.  You want to watch the kids with no expectation of DD calling except when she wants something, then ok.  But accept that's how it is.  You don't have to like it, but you have to learn to let go of your expectations.  If you don't want that, then decide to be busy when she needs something and then go out and do something you want to do.

I've learned that the only way I can feel loved, is to realize I have to love myself first.

[Doe]

Hi Daisy-

I agree with Pooh.  If you are feeling used, then stop doing the child care until arrangements are made so that you don't feel used.  It sounds like that's what triggered the situation with your son, too.  They dumped the kids on you when you were tired.   

Maybe if you could decide on some clear boundaries for yourself and keep them in place, your children would relate to you differently? My best advice is to take care of yourself first.  Decisions are best made when you are feeling good and at least contented.  If you could get yourself in that emotional range, independent of what your children are doing, then you could decide how you want to deal with them.

I know it seems like the children have to be handled before we can be happy but I've come to think that we need to be happy in order to handle the children.

[Pen]

Welcome to the site, DaisyG. I agree with Pooh & Doe. It's difficult when GC are involved, because you don't want to jeopardize your contact with them...but feeling used and abused isn't the way to live your best life either. Some members highly recommend the Joshua Coleman books on parental relationships w/ adult children. This might be a place to start: http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

If you haven't done so already, please read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened highlighted in pink under the topic Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit. Also, we may occasionally get the odd spam message; no need to report to the moderators, as we 5 will be on to eradicate it asap.

Please keep reading and posting - lots of wise, supportive women here.

[luise.volta]

If my adult son (or anyone else) "ordered me to my room", it would only happen once. Sending love...

[Chrisky]

Luise, at my age (over 60) there is no way anyone would ever order me to my room.  If they tried I'd be out of there so fast, but not before telling them exactly what I thought of their behaviour.

[luise.volta]

Val and I used to joke about that! When one of us would get a little out of line…(mostly Val, of course, as you can well imagine)…the other one would point to the bedroom and say…very sternly…"GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Or our other favorite was, "GET IN YOUR BOX!" To me, the only way such an order can be used in the adult world is humorously.

I know that wasn't the case here and I know the whole scene must have been awful…but I think the only way to stop it is to gather up some courage and self-respect and clear the deck of people who treat us like dogs. Sending love...

[DaisyG]

I really appreciate your replies.

My daughter is not the one who worries me particularly. I'm just not sure what to do about my son. The way he treated me still feels like a bad dream. He's had plenty of time to apologise....but nothing. My pride prevents me from contacting him...I just feel I was so badly treated and his behaviour was inexcusable. It's a blessing in a way that he does not live near me. My thoughts are to still send birthday presents to my little Granddaughters but just ignore him. My best friend says the DIL is loving this but I can't really hold any thing aginst her. At least she got up and escorted me to the bus!
I'll never forget being in that room while I could hear them all outside having dinner! I wasn't offered any.
What is so upsetting is that I've always been a good mother to both of them and I am a WONDERFUL Grandmother. My Grandchildren just adore me and I adore them.
I love that quote that "when your children are young they tread on your feet and when they are old they tread on your heart." So true.
It's great to be able to get this off my chest.....I'm feeling very down.

[luise.volta]

Can you find a place to volunteer as a grandmothers…like a day care or a church nursery or something? You have so much to offer. (And they don't all tread on our hearts…that's another generality.) Sending love...

[DaisyG]

Thanks for that suggestion. At the moment my time is taken up minding my Grandson while my daughter is at work. I agree to do this as at 18 months I don't want him shoved off to Day Care. I did this for my other Grandson and it has resulted in a very close bond between us. Where I live it is quite difficult to volunteer minding children with all the worries about Child Protection. Workers are all paid as far as I can see. I love having contact with the Grandchildren but my Daughter takes it for granted and makes me feel unreasonable if I express any reticence.
Maybe it's the generation. Me Me Me!

[luise.volta]

I get so out of date. I can understand that these days volunteers probably have to have background checks and be finger printed. What a bummer. If it matters that much to you, I'm sure it's more than worth it. It's just accepting the down side that must be really difficult and when we don't get that's how it is and we can't change it…that can be stressful. And then stress is dangerous. Take care of yourself. Sending love...

[Doe]

DH just heard a report on stress - when it hits,  your body tends to shut down expect for what's needed for sheer survival.  Can't be good for a body or a life.   (That was on NPR, but not sure what show...)

[Shelby]

First day we had plans to go out. My son and daughter-in-law went to bed as they were tired after the flight (I was too!). I was left with the 2 small children under 4 for about 3 hours. I was jet lagged, too. My DIL ticked me off for letting one of the children near the bedrooms and went back to bed. Finally my son emerged..did not come near me. I said when are we going to (name of place). He said grumpily we aren't going. I angrily said "Well, I'm not sitting on the lounge all day. I'm going for a walk." and went. After a while he met me. Said a lot of hurtful things, ordered me into my bedroom. Told me to stay there while they booked my Flight. After 3 hours in the bedroom I was shunted onto a bus to the (Foreign) Airport where I had to wait 3 hours for a midnight flight home. (10 hour flight!).

Daisy - I feel like I'm missing something here.  Are there parts of the story you didn't include in this initial post? 

Maybe it's the part about "DIL ticked you off for letting one of the children near the bedroom and went back to bed."  Did SHE let the child near the bedroom or did you?  Was it SHE who went back to bed?  Was she angry at you for letting the child near the bedroom or was it you who was ticked off?  I'm confused. 

Did you say anything?  What did you say?  This was an overseas visit.  How long had you been scheduled to stay?  Did they actually send you home after just a day?

I feel like there's lots of missing information here. 

[firelight]

and no dinner offered to boot??  That just plain sucks.  It is appalling. 

With an order to go to my room, I'd probably have looked over my shoulder to see who he was talking to and with the realization it was me, give him the mother's "look" that says:  "You talking to me??" 

What a sad visit.  Sad for everyone involved. 

Keep posting, Daisy.  You will probably find as the rest of us have, it is extremely helpful to do so. 

Warm thoughts coming your way. 

[DaisyG]

I tried not to go into ALL the details and wafflle on.....
but....to expand a little....
When my son came down and found me sitting near the water trying to calm down, the conversation went a bit like this:
Him (very angry!) "you're going home!"
"You've upset (my Grandaughter) "
"YOU said 'I'm tired of minding (my GD) all day"
I said "I did not say that. I said "I'm sick of sitting on the lounge all day."
My son: This is my family now and when you go in, don't say anything, just go to your room and stay there."
he said other hurtful things I won't add.
When I entered the house I said to my DIL " I did not say I'm tired of minding.....all day"
My son : " I said don't say anything, go to the room!"
I went to the room. MY DIL came in after awhile, I said again to her I would never say anything against my Grandaughter.
She said she asked my son: "Don't you think you will regret this?" and he said "probably".
My Grandaughter came in and said "I Love you Grandma!" I cried.
After about an hour I could hear my Grandaughter hysterically crying: "I want to go to the Airport with Grandma!"
She quietened down after about 15 mins. My DIL said they said they would buy her a ....... to calm her.
When the bus came I had to walk past my son. I looked at him. He had a very angry face and was looking at his ipad and did not lift his head.
I just couldn't believe this was the dear little boy I knew once and always stuck up for and supported.
I'm crying as I write this....it is so hard.
So those are the sad details.
Thank you for reading this and for your support.