Hi all you wonderful and wise people ... I'm sorry, I feel like I only contribute to this group when something horrible happens and I have no one else to talk to! So please forgive me in advance.
I feel like I am just this minute feeling my blood pressure come down. My daughter is 32 and has been seeing A for a few months now. It is somewhat of a rebound situation for her and she has not introduced him to me. She seems to be keeping him under wraps. I think he is extremely controlling and mean-spirited, from what I can tell. He may be dabbling in mind control because I don't recognize my daughter any more. She is cold, unfeeling, defensive, self-righteous, self-centered, and mean-spirited since she started seeing him. He thinks he wants to be a high school counselor so I'm sure he's pretty confident that he's already a PhD psychologist. Actually, I've probably had more psychology classes than he has. As lousy as her previous boyfriend was, she was a whole lot nicer person when she was with him.
After our phone call tonight I don't think we're on speaking terms any more. Since she started seeing him she's been very distant - even though she lives 1/2 mile away - she doesn't call, doesn't ask after me when I had bronchitis (she's a Respiratory Therapist), doesn't answer my phone calls (that's always been a problem). We texted briefly the other day and she said she'd call me. Well, she did when I was at work and can't answer the phone which was very passive-aggressive because she knows my work schedule even though she conveniently "forgets."
I'm a very intuitive and sensitive person and I have been going NUTS since she started this thing with A. It feels totally and completely wrong in every way. It feels like she's entered a cult of some kind and has been brain-washed. It makes me extremely agitated and angry. She has turned into a really ugly person devoid of any human kindness.
I sit here 1/2 mile from her, her only parent and the best friend she will ever have, and she can't lift a finger to continue a relationship with me. As I just was rejected after another job interview recently and it's been extremely painful, I am very vulnerable as my self-esteem is on the floor. It makes me angry that my own daughter who I went through hell for to protect her best interests as a child doesn't love or appreciate me, either.
It made me angry that she finally called me when I was at work. Passive-aggressive stuff is something I have no patience for. I wasn't born yesterday. I texted her and asked if she knew I was at work. She texted back just "no." Then I called her and there was no answer. I was so hurt and angry that I smashed a Tupperware container on the floor. Then she called ... I was very restrained when I answered and she said she was in the shower when I called and that she has to be to work in the morning and at least she didn't just go to bed instead of returning my call. (gee, I should be grateful?)
I told her that I'm depressed about the latest job rejection and that I feel totally unloved and unappreciated in the world. Silence. Then she said that I can't blame her for that. I told her that it wasn't about her, this is about me and that I am telling her how I feel as a separate human being with my own feelings and not to put words in my mouth. It went on like that with her twisting my statements of how I felt into blaming her and dumping on her and screaming at her (there was no screaming or accusations at all, no raised voices, no name-calling, nothing). Then she hung up on me. I think A was probably there with her, actually.
She was never a very loving, attentive, caring, compassionate person even though she was raised to be one - but she was a far better person before she started seeing A. Even though I don't know him - and have only met him for a combined total of maybe 5 mins. - I think he is pure poison. A very toxic person and I am appalled that she has fallen for such a creep. He seems to be isolating her against both me and her sister who visited for two weeks over Christmas. Her sister did not like him in the least.
I want so much to write her an email and tell her that A has some kind of ugly hold on her and has turned her into someone I do not recognize at all and that she is in a very sick and toxic situation. But I know she wouldn't be able to take it in and it would only make things worse. So, I guess I will just have to accept that my daughter does not love me, certainly does not appreciate or care about me and let her go.
I love her, I always will, but her behavior is totally unwarranted, undeserved and unacceptable. I intensely dislike her right now, as a matter of fact. I don't need this. Not now, not ever. This is pure !@#$@!# and gratuitous pain over absolutely nothing real. Loving the people who love you is very simple! It's like she has to hurt other people just to feel good about herself - and for what? What glorious reward is in that? No, this is !@#$@#!$!@#$ and I'm having none of it. I hate it, it makes me sick, but I have to divorce my daughter. She is making her choices, she has her priorities, even though I know she is being brainwashed, and she will have to face the consequences for those choices.
Why oh why do people have to be so hateful when life could be beautiful? Why do they choose against love and feeling good and being happy?
Thanks for listening ... I'm going to go for a long cry now.