My daughter's new boyfriend

[InvisiMom]

Hi all you wonderful and wise people ... I'm sorry, I feel like I only contribute to this group when something horrible happens and I have no one else to talk to! So please forgive me in advance.

I feel like I am just this minute feeling my blood pressure come down. My daughter is 32 and has been seeing A for a few months now. It is somewhat of a rebound situation for her and she has not introduced him to me. She seems to be keeping him under wraps. I think he is extremely controlling and mean-spirited, from what I can tell. He may be dabbling in mind control because I don't recognize my daughter any more. She is cold, unfeeling, defensive, self-righteous, self-centered, and mean-spirited since she started seeing him. He thinks he wants to be a high school counselor so I'm sure he's pretty confident that he's already a PhD psychologist. Actually, I've probably had more psychology classes than he has. As lousy as her previous boyfriend was, she was a whole lot nicer person when she was with him.

After our phone call tonight I don't think we're on speaking terms any more. Since she started seeing him she's been very distant - even though she lives 1/2 mile away - she doesn't call, doesn't ask after me when I had bronchitis (she's a Respiratory Therapist), doesn't answer my phone calls (that's always been a problem). We texted briefly the other day and she said she'd call me. Well, she did when I was at work and can't answer the phone which was very passive-aggressive because she knows my work schedule even though she conveniently "forgets."

I'm a very intuitive and sensitive person and I have been going NUTS since she started this thing with A. It feels totally and completely wrong in every way. It feels like she's entered a cult of some kind and has been brain-washed. It makes me extremely agitated and angry. She has turned into a really ugly person devoid of any human kindness.

I sit here 1/2 mile from her, her only parent and the best friend she will ever have, and she can't lift a finger to continue a relationship with me. As I just was rejected after another job interview recently and it's been extremely painful, I am very vulnerable as my self-esteem is on the floor. It makes me angry that my own daughter who I went through hell for to protect her best interests as a child doesn't love or appreciate me, either.

It made me angry that she finally called me when I was at work. Passive-aggressive stuff is something I have no patience for. I wasn't born yesterday. I texted her and asked if she knew I was at work. She texted back just "no." Then I called her and there was no answer. I was so hurt and angry that I smashed a Tupperware container on the floor. Then she called ... I was very restrained when I answered and she said she was in the shower when I called and that she has to be to work in the morning and at least she didn't just go to bed instead of returning my call. (gee, I should be grateful?)

I told her that I'm depressed about the latest job rejection and that I feel totally unloved and unappreciated in the world. Silence. Then she said that I can't blame her for that. I told her that it wasn't about her, this is about me and that I am telling her how I feel as a separate human being with my own feelings and not to put words in my mouth. It went on like that with her twisting my statements of how I felt into blaming her and dumping on her and screaming at her (there was no screaming or accusations at all, no raised voices, no name-calling, nothing). Then she hung up on me. I think A was probably there with her, actually.

She was never a very loving, attentive, caring, compassionate person even though she was raised to be one - but she was a far better person before she started seeing A. Even though I don't know him - and have only met him for a combined total of maybe 5 mins. - I think he is pure poison. A very toxic person and I am appalled that she has fallen for such a creep. He seems to be isolating her against both me and her sister who visited for two weeks over Christmas. Her sister did not like him in the least.

I want so much to write her an email and tell her that A has some kind of ugly hold on her and has turned her into someone I do not recognize at all and that she is in a very sick and toxic situation. But I know she wouldn't be able to take it in and it would only make things worse. So, I guess I will just have to accept that my daughter does not love me, certainly does not appreciate or care about me and let her go.

I love her, I always will, but her behavior is totally unwarranted, undeserved and unacceptable. I intensely dislike her right now, as a matter of fact. I don't need this. Not now, not ever. This is pure !@#$@!# and gratuitous pain over absolutely nothing real. Loving the people who love you is very simple! It's like she has to hurt other people just to feel good about herself - and for what? What glorious reward is in that? No, this is !@#$@#!$!@#$ and I'm having none of it. I hate it, it makes me sick, but I have to divorce my daughter. She is making her choices, she has her priorities, even though I know she is being brainwashed, and she will have to face the consequences for those choices.

Why oh why do people have to be so hateful when life could be beautiful? Why do they choose against love and feeling good and being happy?

Thanks for listening ... I'm going to go for a long cry now.

[Doe]

Invisimom-

If he is controlling and mean-spirited and she is cold, unfeeling, defensive, self-righteous, self-centered, and mean spirited then they would make a good match, wouldn't they?

Don't spend time with her if she treats you so badly.  You have your whole life to tend to and create - why not leave nasty people out of it?

 

[elsieshaye]

Unfortunately, the truth is that our kids aren't our friends.  They aren't on the planet to provide unconditional emotional support and for us to vent to when things in our lives don't go well.  Kids generally can't listen to that kind of thing from a parent, especially a mother, without feeling obligated to do something about it and as a result feeling helpless and overwhelmed.  Doe has it right - build a life for yourself that includes people you -can- lean on, and that pleases you.   

[Pen]

It is true sometimes that people will try to influence their partners to reject their FOOs; it's a common symptom of abuse, cutting off the victim from friends, family, familiar surroundings or support systems. Whether that's what's going on w/DD & BF is neither here nor there where you are concerned, InvisiMom...unfortunately you can't control what other people do, just your reactions to them. If your DD were to come to you for help extricating herself from the relationship, that would be different.

I agree with Doe and Elsie; build a fabulous life for yourself. Be ready for whatever is in store by having a strong and sturdy base of your own.

[luise.volta]

Here's an old saying I made up…"You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again." When we focus on loss and drama, it expands…when we focus elsewhere, it contracts. Does that mean denial and sweeping it under the rug is the answer? No. It means accepting "what is" and getting that others make choices and then they either learn from them or they don't. Our parenting is done. Our lives are about our own choices. If we choose to have it be that way, life can be wonderful…no matter what is going on "out there." If we get stuck in unfulfilled expectations involving others, lost hopes and dreams, "ain't it awful" and "how can I fix this?"…we commit to making our lives about the injustice of it all and being right about that…and...self-pity follows that. Those things can and will erode our self-respect and we will rob ourselves of the joy we could be experiencing. It's up to us. Sending love...

[InvisiMom]

Thank you all for your wisdom and loving kindness to a stranger, really. I am not there yet but I'm trying. I think that she is in for a world of hurt yet again with this guy and I am angry that she found yet another dysfunctional chemical attraction instead of a healthy person who could bring happiness into her life, but then, she couldn't because she's not there yet. She can't see the right person because she's not ready for him. This irks me, I admit! I want her to be happy and whole and she's doing the opposite. At other times, I don't think she's a nice person at all and maybe she and A just deserve each other. So, of course you're all right ... I can't control her, the only control I have is to find my own way to be happy and whole. It sounds wonderful, but it's a bitter pill. Does it get easier? I guess that you just get so sick of being sick that you say, "Enough! Let some good stuff in already."

[luise.volta]

Good for you. All any of us can do is try. No one, as far as I know, has an easy time of it when she sets boundaries and then maintains them. Most of us have lost confidence and self-respect and it is no small thing the recover our dignity and go on. We support each other and celebrate each others wins and make, it inch by inch. Sending love...

[elsieshaye]

For me personally, yes, it became easier, because there was so much chaos and wear and tear on me that the absence of that was an incredible relief.  I started to associate not having his problems front and center in my life with peace and contentment, and I deliberately focused myself on myself in a sort of intensive way, which took the form of cleaning and purging through my things, sending him all of his things, and working to set up my apartment in a way that pleases me.  I'm in very reduced contact with my son for over 3 months now, which I never expected.  I only respond to those communications of his that are appropriate and respectful, and even then I don't fawn over him.  I'm using facebook as a way to keep the door open, but I don't have his posts visible on my news feed.  I do miss him, but I have written out here and elsewhere exactly what lead me to the decision to ask him to leave my home, and the behaviors since then, so when I start to get sad about it I re-read what I wrote and I think about how I want to handle my sadness.  So far, that hasn't included initiating contact with him.  Eventually, I hope to get to the point where I can talk about innocuous things with him and be a bit more comfortable, but right now the contact he initiates with me is still mostly aggressive, so we aren't there yet.

What you want for her, and what she wants for herself may not be the same thing.  And, right or wrong, she gets to decide what she wants to do.  For your part, you don't have to participate in things you don't agree with, and you don't have to spend energy and time worrying about her life and what she's doing with it.  You get to choose what you want to do there too - nothing is obligatory, including worry and intense involvement.  Think about her as another grownup of your acquaintance.  Would you put up with that kind of treatment from some random chick at work or church?  Would you continue to push that person to be involved in your daily life and think about them all the time?  You also don't have to do that with your daughter. 

One thing I noticed in my own situation is that, when I stopped focusing all my energy on my son and his problems, I was left with kind of a void in my life.  I'm learning to face all those things about myself that I was able to ignore for years because I was distracted by my son's stuff.  I believe that I did use his stuff as a way of avoiding focusing on my own fears, wants, needs.  But, as scary as it can be to be face to face with yourself without distraction, it's important and becomes kind of exciting.  Sending you lots of support and encouragement.

[Doe]

I can't control her, the only control I have is to find my own way to be happy and whole.

This is the message that you post on sticky notes all over yourself and all over your house for a while. 

For me, once I got into the routine of living for myself and including the ones who show love for me, I didn't have to keep reminders all around.  Taking care of myself and treating myself well became more the norm.

[luise.volta]

E. - That is so profound. We do get attached to drama…and that can be the payoff…not to live (and face) our own lives. I hadn't thought of it as a void…but when I stopped beating my head against a wall over my eldest son, that's exactly what it was...and I found I had a lot of inner work to do that I was ignoring. It was very hard for me to see that. I thought I was very "present" and doing what I needed to be doing in obsessing (not my term at the time) over him. No one else could ever have told me that it filled my life and therefore filled a purpose. Sending love...

[Pooh]

Lots of wisdom in that post elsie...thank you.

[InvisiMom]

Thank you all for the good input and the interesting thought about avoiding the void of having to face ourselves if we're not obsessing about a problem child. Why not? It could very well be true ... and if we're honest, we know who we are ... people use all kinds of other things to avoid the void - TV, food, games, etc. - why not troubled relationships, too? They certainly can be time-consuming, attention-getting and all-consuming.

A thought occurred to me while reading some of the other threads. I think that I deserve to be treated with caring and respect by my DD. I am not "grateful" for any little crumbs she might toss my way if she feels like it. Phooey on that! Why should I feel so needy? I have *already* earned her respect and gratitude. Whether she is up to acknowledging it or not is up to her according to her desire to grow up. I refuse to beg for any little attention or sign that she appreciates me. Why should I? That's pathetic, is it not? The ball is in her court, not mine. I know who I am and what I've done and that stands on its own. I'm not perfect, but she was darn lucky to have me as her Mom. I'm not groveling or jumping through any hoops in hopes of getting something I've already earned. I think they play us - they play on our  low self-esteem so they can be in control. Well, don't give them control they have not come by honestly. It's not good for them and it's certainly not good for us. You are older and wiser than they are, so know it.

This is where those boundaries come in. Know who you are, acknowledge all the good things you have done and the good things you are as a person, and stand by it. You know you deserve respect, appreciation and gratitude. If you are the only person who honors it, then so be it! But don't play their games. Don't enable their immature, selfish, self-serving temper tantrums. I think I've enabled some of DD's bad behavior by being too humble, too accepting and too patient. Immature, selfish people take their cues from their victim - if you accept their bad treatment, they tell themselves that you agree with them that you *do* deserve it.

I should have called it like it is all along. But I didn't want to "alienate" her. Well, where are we now? Where did that tack get me? I think that I've had a boundary problem. I didn't defend mine and she took full advantage. Give yourself a hug and admit that you're a good person, with or without acknowledgment from anyone else and don't accept abusive behavior from anyone, especially people you love. If they can't find their way clear to love you back, then that's on them, not you.

[shorewil]

Someone in this group said " We can't be our children's friends ." And I know that - just as you can't be their friend when they are small. The problems is  that as My Mom and I grew older we became more friends , not less. I guess you learn what you lived. I'd do any thing for another day with Mom...

[lisafox41]

Hi Invisimom,
It gets easier with time.

I spent years trying to "fix" my relationship with my AD. Years of my life being consumed with it. Then finally, I had enough. I was tired of crying, tired of feeling bad. And I found this wonderful site.

Surround yourself with people that love you and treat you well. You can't control your daughter. When you fill your life with other positive things, you find that every little interaction with your daughter loses it significance because you have more wonderful things to think about.

Take care,

[InvisiMom]

ShoreWil, that's the way it should be. I'm a little confused by your post because first you say you agree that mothers and their grown daughters can't be friends, but that's what happened with you and your mother and it's a problem? Of course you miss her. You'll never have another Mom and if you had a good one, she was the best friend you'll ever have. Who else in this cruel world is going to love you no matter what? It sounds like you appreciated your Mom and that made both of you winners. My neighbor and her 36-year old daughter are best friends. I have to say, the constant love and support they show each other makes me a little jealous because my DD is a very long way from doing anything thoughtful or supportive for me.

As I wrote a long post back in Dec. on the first thread I started, I won't say it all again, but I have always been there for DD, no matter what it took. I have been the kind of mother that most of her friends only wish they had and she has even acknowledged that. But it's all been a one-way street. If I ever actually needed anything, then I am just out of luck. It's all about her, her, her, and guess what? I don't think so.

Since she hung up on me last Friday night after I told her that I felt completely unloved and unappreciated, it's over. I don't know who she thinks she is. Not someone I like, that's for sure. I am no longer available for abuse. I am enacting a zero-tolerance law on abusing me.

I want no contact with her, but wish her well. She will need it with the new boyfriend "A" who is an emotional manipulator bringing out the worst in her. He wins - he has alienated her family (including her sister) and I'm sure her friends will be next. I am aware that he has her permission to go down this road. So go down it.

Today I took her name off my bank acc't to protect myself. Who knows what "A" is capable of talking her into? I just know that I'm not going to be the one with a stripped bank acc't because of them.

Until she grows up (she's 32) and becomes someone with worthwhile values and priorities, like the ones she was raised with, I do not want to be around her. Everything from now on she will have to earn because I am getting some self-respect and slapping down boundaries. There's a chance my house will sell soon and I have to admit, I am kind of looking forward to moving and not telling her. I suppose I will have to let her know that she has to make other arrangements for the large pieces of furniture she has stored here, though. I'll text it.

What will she do with it? Quite a problem, but not mine! I also need to take her off of my Medical Power of Attorney because when it comes to pulling the plug, I want someone who loves and cares about me to decide that.

It could have been so lovely; it was so easy - you just give and receive love. But no. She wants none of that! And you know what? She just lost her mother, the best friend she'll ever have, but what did I lose? An illusion. I'll always love her, but be her poison pot? Never. She can just find herself another sucker for that honor.