My daughter's new boyfriend

[luise.volta]

Thanks. I don't know a thing about it, really. Just following Kirk's (Webmaster) directions. Sending love...

[firelight]

I love the poem, Invisimom!  Thanks for sharing.

[InvisiMom]

Glad you like it, firelight! I have to keep re-reading it and it helps.

I'm in a slightly different frame of mind today. I woke up not thinking like a victim or a martyr - which is how I feel most of the time. My thoughts this morning were, you know what? If DD doesn't appreciate me, then that's her loss. She was so blessed with a great Mom to counteract her self-centered, heartless father and to protect her from him. Everything I've done for her since before she was born was a gift of love. Every gesture since has been my pleasure and my joy. But they were gifts, not something I owe her, and not only do I not deserve her bad treatment, I will not accept it. Who does she think she is to begrudgingly do me the odd favor here and there, to barely come through with a card on my birthday or Mother's Day, to patronize me with her tiny attentions cast sparingly my way now and then? I say, don't do me any "favors," DD! If you don't know what you've got by now, then I don't know what to say. Until DD can feel some appreciation for the great blessings that have been bestowed on her in this life, and do whatever it is she does for me with thankfulness that she still has me here to talk to, then I will not be accepting any begrudging crumbs thrown my way. DD doesn't acknowledge it, so I have to - and I'm going to say it like it is - she was so lucky to have me as her Mom!

Until she "gets" that other people have feelings, that they are important and that she is not the center of the Universe, then this silence between us will continue. I don't deserve it, it's not what I earned, and I'm not accepting it. I love her from a distance and wish her all good things.

[luise.volta]

Yay, I-M!

[Ruth]

What you want for her, and what she wants for herself may not be the same thing.  And, right or wrong, she gets to decide what she wants to do.  For your part, you don't have to participate in things you don't agree with, and you don't have to spend energy and time worrying about her life and what she's doing with it.  You get to choose what you want to do there too - nothing is obligatory, including worry and intense involvement.  Think about her as another grownup of your acquaintance.  Would you put up with that kind of treatment from some random chick at work or church?  Would you continue to push that person to be involved in your daily life and think about them all the time?  You also don't have to do that with your daughter. 

One thing I noticed in my own situation is that, when I stopped focusing all my energy on my son and his problems, I was left with kind of a void in my life.  I'm learning to face all those things about myself that I was able to ignore for years because I was distracted by my son's stuff.  I believe that I did use his stuff as a way of avoiding focusing on my own fears, wants, needs.  But, as scary as it can be to be face to face with yourself without distraction, it's important and becomes kind of exciting.  Sending you lots of support and encouragement.

There were so many gold nuggets in your post, Elsie, I just had to pull it up again.  so many good answers on this thread.  I also loved what Pen (or Pam?) said about parental friendship ' neither looking to the other to provide, etc'.  I loved Doe mistaking exclamation points for lightning bolts!!!  Haha Doe! 

Like Elsie, when my obsession with my DS (let me correct that by saying that when my insanity) began to phase out, I also felt a void.  Lots of growth started at that point, not only in this one relationship but I had to start re-examining the way I view relationships in general, my expectations from others and myself.  I also agree with one other wise woman who said that our a/c do not do well with feeling burdened with our own drama.  Its not in the code, except in the cases of the very mature.  One problem is that about the time you get mature enough to be your Mom's best friend, she's beginning to flake off a bit!  I was chatting with my DM the other day by phone, and we have both always loved to watch MONK, when she remarked that she 'never knew Monk was married!'   I thought Gosh, Ma, that's what the whole series is about!   Mama is like an old computer now, hiccups. 

But we have to paddle our own canoe here, and be for the most part at best a stable by-stander in a/c lives when they're making poor choices.  We lead by example, some wise person once said.  I try this, by the grace of God and fail often but I'm learning now finally.

[firelight]

applause!  applause!  InvisiMom!

Ruth....we all fail ....as long as we keep trying and getting back up!

[luise.volta]

I once read this: "The only people who aren't failing as the ones who aren't doing anything." Sending love...

[firelight]

I like that, luise!  A wise truth.