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Offline shorewil

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she called
« on: January 20, 2012, 02:56:24 PM »
Got a phone call from my DD last night- who was very pleasant - you'd never kow what happened here on the weekend  !  She did say that me DH looks awful and sick - maybe she realized that he is not resposible for everything coming out of his mouth right now.
By last Sunday night , I had a pain in my chest and had decided that it was either pnuemonia , from coughing or it was my heart . I guess I really knew that it was stress related. Anyway, Monday morning I went to see my family doc , who imediatley did anEKG and said that "Yes, I think you had a heart attack ..." I was stunned , and  then he looked more closely at  an old EKG ( from 1998 !) and actually placed this one right on top of the old one  and they were identical - we both breathed a sigh of relief. Then he sent me for a chest X-ray, which was also negative - so - DAhDAH !!! Stress induced  !
I am sorry to say that I did tell all of this to DD , who went quiet. She then poceded to dump all of her troubles on me - the house she is renting was sold out from under her and BFso they will need to find a new place to live by March 1st. Blah, blah, blah  I switched the conversation to American Idol and was SO Proud of myself !!!
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Offline nikncon

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Re: she called
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2012, 07:26:26 PM »
Good for you! Your health is so important.You are not a sounding board for DD.I think American Idol is much better for your health.Take care! :)shorewill.
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Offline Doe

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Re: she called
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2012, 07:46:35 AM »
yay! happy for you!
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Offline Pen

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Re: she called
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2012, 09:52:40 AM »
Thank goodness this is something you can do something about! I love it - having a topic to switch to, ready to go. We should all have a quiverfull, just in case.
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Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline shorewil

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Re: she called
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2012, 12:59:53 PM »
"Ain't that the truth " LOL ! DS called this morning- everything seemed fine there, too. I think he was stunned when I said "I have to go !" :P
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Offline shorewil

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Re: she called ...again
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2012, 07:44:38 PM »
So tonight, while she's drving home from work - of course - DD calls to tell me that she  and "the one " BF have broken up. Seems he is an alcoholic, has stolen money from her and now uses cocaine !!  Of course, now it's Mommy I love you - what do I do ?  (She needs money to get herself into an apt ) I will not enable this time - she's almost 30  years old. Do I feel sorry for her? Yes. We all get lied to sometimes. Can I jeapordize my relationship with DH over one more loser guy she's chosen ??? No. At least I don't think so - help me to be strong . The good thing is she is due to inherit $10,000 from paternl grandmother- she'll hav it spent in 6 months. Please advice ??? Tell me to stay out of it ?? I hate to see her hurting and thinking that all men are pigs  (Aren't they ???) I amangry with his parents who welcomed her into his life and their family even thought this drug/alcohol problem is not a new thing - but years old. I guess they thought she would save him - and she certainly sees herself as a rescuer- but it's like they lied  , too . They cameat 3 AMto tthrow a bunch of druggies out of the house. I told her she should have called the police.
Help ???
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Offline Pen

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Re: she called
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2012, 11:08:34 PM »
You know the answer...you said it all in your post.

I understand how hard it is to think of your DD w/o a roof over her head, but does she need a full-on apt? Could she make do w/a rented room or shared apt until she gets on her feet?
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Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: she called
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2012, 08:45:38 AM »
Yep, you know the answer.  And your health is more important right now.  She can rent a room somewhere relatively cheap and still be safe.  She is 30, she can do this on her own.  In fact, she needs to do it on her own.  If you help her now, are you prepared to help her the rest of her life?  IMHO, putting a roof over your own head is a sign of an adult.  She is acting like a child.
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People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline shorewil

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Re: she called
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2012, 02:29:44 PM »
Thanks to both of you- you were right and i guess that my husband is right, too. It's just so hard when she cries - "What's wrong with me ? Why can't I be happy and married  and have a family like everybody else ?" I know what's wrong - her father left us when she was 13. She's had lots of therapy and knows that she needs more because she seems to be"marrying " her father and repeating the pattern. I will be strong  !
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Offline Doe

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Re: she called
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2012, 02:39:16 PM »
Well, you might remind her that the divorce rate in America is around 60% right now (at least I think I read that).  It's not that everyone is all happy and married .

Everyone in my family has had 2-3 spouses except me - that seems to be more the norm. My parents were married for 40+ years and my siblings still had multiple marriages.

Maybe she's thinking that it should be easy?  It's not! 
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Offline Pooh

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Re: she called
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2012, 02:41:55 PM »
I'm with the others here.  You have to take a stand and tell her no.  She can stay with friends or something, but it's her mess to figure out.  She created the situation, now she needs to solve it.

Stay strong even though I know it's hard.  Or else, you will be dealing with this again after the next relationship, the next one and the next one.  If she has to figure out her own way, she might be more choosey next time and learn from it.
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Offline shorewil

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Re: she called
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2012, 02:51:10 PM »
Thanks to all , especially you , Pooh !
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Offline pam1

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Re: she called
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2012, 06:33:50 PM »
Also, from my experience and friends I've talked to have agreed...it's *harder* being married than single.  That's why I think it is important for younger adults to wait, if you can't handle being single I'm going to bet my last dollar that you are not going to have a strong marriage.
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People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Offline Nana Deborah

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Re: she called
« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2012, 05:43:09 PM »
You have to take care of yourself first.  Your daughter is 30 years old, it is time for her to grow up!  She needs to find a new group of friends to hang out with.  Tell her to get into a good church and meet a better group of people who don't use drugs, who stay out of trouble, who don't drink alcohol.  She can find a fully furnished room (or unfurnished) for a decent price; she does not need an apartment of her own!  So when she comes crying to you, you tell her what my Mama told me; "I raised you to 18 and got you through school, now you need to find your own path in life."  How does your DD expect to meet a decent man and marry him, when she needs to find out who she is?  She needs to start with her life and worry about marriage and the other when she is straightened out.  Listen, I almost wrecked my own marriage when my daughter did not (still does not) like or respect my husband; don't wreck yours, okay?  God bless you all!
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Offline firelight

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Re: she called
« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2012, 08:26:08 PM »
I'm going to use that "have a topic ready" to divert a conversation going in a undesirable direction for me......the enabler in me needs to develop a game plan.....even though my DD is getting out of rehab this coming Sunday (the 29th) and will stay with me, I will work on my own plan so I do not get sucked in to this constant supporting every tiny need of hers.....I want her to get strong and continue with her therapy but I have to be so alert to this long hard climb to develop a new behavior in myself.  They told us at the meeting for families at rehab that for us to continue to enable is to hinder your loved one's growth and we will not always be here for them.  So, on with the show!
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