I Got one you ALL can appreciate..!!

[tiffytx]

Just venting...but little background on story of my 1st DIL...my son was 15...skipping school,,,getting into trouble...running away from home...hooked up with some kid little older than him...who had an OLDER sister....She was 21..!! well I feel she seduced my son and took advantage of his immaturity and vulnerability...I tried everything  from accepting the situation...to doing my best to keep them apart...Long story short...in between them breaking into my house...to making him realize that he needed to move home and stay away from this girl...They are still together 13 yrs later..with 3 little girls...She will not let me see the GC's...this has been going on since oldest was about 3...she is 10 now....This DIL is now the age I was...33..when she hooked up with my son...just wondering if she is questioning her actions now...?? her daughters are getting older...I paid for their whole wedding when youngest was 1...and have always made an attempt to be cordial and respectful to her...she is mother to my GD's...I have been formally told by her..that she has kept me my her girls...because of the life-style I have chosen...lol...I am now remarried to a wonderful man...and lead a very responsible life...she is referring to yrs ago...when I was married to my son's father...who died from alcoholism..Her family is very dysfunctional yet they see the girls everyday...Too funny when you think about it...the way they use GC's to try to manipulate us and exert their power...Here's hoping your DIL's  treat you with respect and courtesy..!! 

[Chrisky]

Tiffy, respect & courtesy.  I don't think those words are in my DIL's vocabulary. No correction, they are, but only to her family.

[August]

Tiffy, respect & courtesy.  I don't think those words are in my DIL's vocabulary. No correction, they are, but only to her family.

I used to have both of those for my inlaws.  Now, I have absolutely no respect for them and I am icily courteous.  Had I not been raised with manners being pounded in, they wouldn't even get icy courtesy.

[August]

If I could delete my prior post on this thread, I would.  Not because I don't mean it, but because I don't want to lock the thread as the other by being disagreeable.  My apologies.

[Chrisky]

August, I don't see a problem with your post, we can't all agree on everything. 

[free_at_last]

August, I am in the same boat.  I wish I could have respect for my inlaws, but unfortunately there are just some people who don't deserve respect, due to things that happened in the past and and things that continue to happen.  I don't see anything wrong with your post.  I know there are some very good inlaws out there that aren't getting the respect that they should, but there are also some rotten inlaws that don't deserve respect or anything else.  Either way, it's sad and unfair....

[JaneF]

I agree we won't always agree with one another!  That being said, even if I do disagree with another I will try to do with courtesy and respect. My daughter in law "preaches" about how people are "supposed to be", and she judges others...but she is such a not nice person and behaves unethically and morally inappropriately, but it's okay if she's doing it. Strange. I agree there are both In Laws and folks in our own families that do not necessarily deserve to be treated kindly because they are not kind to others...but I for one am too tired to fight!  lol I prefer peace for me and my house, have had enough of chaos. I would have like to have responded to "heretohelp", his post frankly took me by surprise! It kind of made me think perhaps there might really be times some sons know it isn't really good or right to treat their FOO badly just to keep peace with their wives, but then I also agree a man and his wife form "their own" family and others need to be considerate of that as well. I don't want to tell my son what to do, or how to do stuff, he is an adult after all. Unless advice is asked for it isn't a good idea as a MIL I understand! But by the same token I feel like when a man is an adult and decides to marry, he and his wife should not "expect" either FOO to finance their wants and needs, and if they don't get what they think you should give them, they cut you out forever. I actually got some food for thought reading what that poster had to say. Not judging right or wrong, just food for my own thoughts and maybe new viewpoints to consider. I am trying to keep an open mind.

[tryingmybest]

I think it boils down to all of us dealing with problem "people" on all ends of the in-law spectrum. As a mom of adult sons I'm seeing them growing up with the determination to be an adult with iron clad boundaries ( for them ) and demands to be treated accordingly. but at the same time they still have this expectation that they are still our number one priority. Even though we in many cases have become after thoughts, if there is a PROBLEM OR NEED, we are number one on the speed dial.  They want it both ways, while giving the DIL's family of origin rock hard priority in their lives. I 'm feeling resentful, and I guess what I wanted to say in the other thread before it was locked was feeling muzzled just adds to that feeling of resentment. I think all of us on both ends of this dynamic need to be able to achieve balance. Long term I think that means everyone gets to live their lives according to their own truths, without trying to force those truths on anyone else.

[phillek]

Well said, TMB.

[JaneF]

I agree, well said trying my best!  My thoughts exactly!  If I may use how you said what you did about adult sons and having family on speed dial when THEY want or need, but DIL family has first priority...it might explain exactly what I've been feeling but had difficulty wording it. So I may state that next time I am in a conversation about that situation.

[August]

I think it boils down to all of us dealing with problem "people" on all ends of the in-law spectrum. As a mom of adult sons I'm seeing them growing up with the determination to be an adult with iron clad boundaries ( for them ) and demands to be treated accordingly. but at the same time they still have this expectation that they are still our number one priority. Even though we in many cases have become after thoughts, if there is a PROBLEM OR NEED, we are number one on the speed dial.  They want it both ways, while giving the DIL's family of origin rock hard priority in their lives. I 'm feeling resentful, and I guess what I wanted to say in the other thread before it was locked was feeling muzzled just adds to that feeling of resentment. I think all of us on both ends of this dynamic need to be able to achieve balance. Long term I think that means everyone gets to live their lives according to their own truths, without trying to force those truths on anyone else.

I agree that it doesn't work that way.

[justanoldgrandma]

I think it boils down to all of us dealing with problem "people" on all ends of the in-law spectrum."

This says it all, TMB; there are inconsiderate young and older people; some controlling/snobby MILs, FILs, dils, sils......you name it.  Forget the MIL jokes; there are terrible MILs but some pretty great ones, too; and I know some terrific dils that I am acquainted/friends with whose MILs love with all their hearts (and some MILs who treat the great gals horribly.)

I do think young ladies are for the most part raised to be more assertive, independent; but that's not a bad thing if they are also kind!  (I wish I had been raised that way myself!)  As for sons; I know some who are very diligent to their FOO with their wives' approval and some who aren't.....


Guess it's not so easy to pigeonhole; no stereotype fits!

My friend has "adopted" a young family that has no good FOO to love them; she and her dh have been neglected by their ds and dil (dil has some emotional/health/disrespect problems and also totally devoted to her FOO; her son is going along to save his family but is increasingly unhappy with the situation.)  However, my friend is so happy to have her "second" family that appreciates and loves her and her dh so much it takes a lot of the sting out of the situation w her ds; and her ds is responding somewhat bc gee, his mom seems to have another son! 

What I've learned from this is that we can give our love to others, the love we were giving solely to our children and gc but isn't so reciprocated.....Yes, I know, Luise and others keep saying this!  It just takes so long to sink in bc our children have been such a huge part of our lives it takes so long to learn any other behavior.

[Shelby]

I 'm feeling resentful, and I guess what I wanted to say in the other thread before it was locked was feeling muzzled just adds to that feeling of resentment. 

I hope I am not breaking rules by saying this, but I think TMB and Phillek were not in so much disagreement as one might think from the locking of the other thread.  One factor nobody mentioned is the difficulty of mixing business with family/social.  If TMB is a customer, then a valid complaint is part of the business.  If it is strictly social/family setting, then probably no $$ should change hands.  Just want to point out that TMB may have felt a bit like a customer, therefore could make a comment that would not be allowed by a MIL in strictly family setting.   Again, if this post is not allowed, I apologize.  Just trying to point out a perspective that could help TMB and Phillek see that they aren't really so much in disagreement. 

[bdwell1904]

I would just like to say sometimes things work in opposite ways. My MIL and I are very close and respectful of each other. My own family has mostly disowned me because my DH took up for me at a time when my DM was @@@*** acting out. As far as DH and I are concerned we give each other first priority, then agree on whats best with the families. Having my own DIL and SIL I understand and wish you all the best. My background still has me saying we never know the whole story about the where's and why's of someones actions but everyone deserves some level of respect.

[tryingmybest]

No I really wasn't at odds with her. I just think where  this in-law business goes off the rails is when people fail to communicate with basic courtesy. My real purpose in saying what I said about the home party company was basically to try and make sure my DIL didn't put herself in an awkward position by trying to get people to come to another home party to buy this stuff. 
I guess I've just decided I'm going to be kind and considerate but I'm also going to be me, because I have earned that right. DS is hearing a new word now and then, it's " no". because just like I have taken a much lesser place in his life he is no longer the priority in mine.