Just realized my AD hates me.

[BethA]

I don't even know where to start.
It's been 2 yrs since my daughter spoke to me. I thought it was because I don't like... I don't even know what to call him... (her baby's father, her boy friend, her live in, her choice. I will call him Bob in these posts.) Recently my brother was allowed to visit them briefly and he was told that I was the problem. Shortly after that my mom went to visit them, she was told that I wasn't the problem, my husband was the problem. Today, I was told by Bob's mother (I keep in touch with her somewhat, she sends baby pics and little updates), that my AD says that I never cared about her, that I only started to care when she got pregnant, then I stopped caring again. That I never gave her any correct info about herself. (her father left before she was even born, I never hid that from her, but a touchy subject, but in my defense, she never asked questions about it.) 
She hates me. I think I am prob the worst mother in the world in her eyes. I never claimed to be perfect or even good at it, but I did try. I pray for her forgiveness, then cry myself to sleep every night. It's taking a toll on my 11 yr old and my health. She hates me. 

[pam1]

Welcome BethA

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History both threads located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Also at times WWU gets hit by a bit of spam, please just ignore it.  The Mod Squad works hard to delete as fast as we can.

IMO, you're being given mixed messages.  I doubt she hates you but I get a weird vibe about "Bob."  Also, I would refuse to listen to anyone else but what AD says about her relationship with you. 

Do something good for yourself, you deserve it. 

[BethA]

Thanks Pam. I would really love just to talk to her again, just to hear her voice. She won't answer my calls or texts, I don't try to call that often, I don't want to push. But she won't talk to me, so I can't even get her side of any of this.

[Lisa41]

Welcome,
At times I have to go back to lyrics of a song..."I can't make you love me if you don't." At this point it is up to your daughter; my AD does the same as far as not answering calls or texts etc...
I agree with Pam- don't listen to what others say. IMO your AD is speaking volumes by not accepting your attempts at reaching out. I know how much this hurts.

What you have to do now is to build a life for yourself. You can not control what your AD thinks/feels about you. The only thing you can control is your response to it. Surround yourself with people who love and care about you. When you are tempted to dwell on the absent relationship, make yourself do something else. It really does work, but it takes time.

 Now don't get me wrong, I still struggle with this, but it's a work in progress.
You deserve to be happy!!
Take care,

[Doe]

Hi Lisa41-

How is it taking a toll on the 11yo?

[BethA]

I try to take time for myself, but I'm just not wired that way. I have that mom thing, you know, I come last. Anyway, I tried to bury myself in work, that doesn't help, just stresses my out more.
My 11 yr. old sees that I hurt, even though I try very hard not to show my pain and don't say anything about the AD to sway my 11 yr. old into thinking that her sis is bad/wrong in any way. When my mom last attempted to see my AD, my 11 yr old went with her. She was crushed when she didn't get to see her, cried for hours. My husband just blames "Bob" for everything, says he turned the AD against us all. But I now think she has much deeper anger than any of us knew. It hurts very deeply.

[Pen]

I'm sorry your 11 yr old had to experience that & I hope she can recover in time. My OD is developmentally disabled & doesn't understand when her YB can't come through for her due to obligations w/ the ILs or DIL. I've learned to be very vague to her about plans w/them; if they actually show up it's a happy surprise!

[pam1]

Big Hugs, Beth. 

I think it's time your family (DH, you and little one) get to be happy.  This isn't good for any of you.  It is sad but like Pooh says "it is what it is until it isn't." 

What about a family movie night?  Each member gets to pick a movie and you 3 can do a marathon   We do that usually once a week, it's a nice time b/c there is no lingering tension from our in law problems and we just enjoy each others company.  Popcorn fights etc   I think your family needs some of that, something along those lines. 

[BethA]

Thanks Pen and Pam, especially for the hug.
We try to do things as a family, just the 3 of us, it is always super fun, but it ends until the next time. I know it will take us all a long long time to move on, it's already been two years without direct contact. My poor mother feels stuck in the middle, she has been very supportive, but now feels like she is the one that got it all started up again. I don't like to see my family hurting, we have never come up against anything like this, we see other families hurt and it was always so alien to us. We were the ones that just brushed off the nasty things we said to one another, "oh you were just in a bad mood when you said that" and went on loving each other. We never had someone in our family that couldn't forgive something and move passed it. I guess that is why this hurts so much, I've never NOT been forgiven by someone that I love, and I don't even know what it is that I've done wrong. I know I'm tourtuing myself, I know I need to just let her be, but I can't, I love her.

[Doe]

I know it will take us all a long long time to move on, it's already been two years without direct contact.

Hi Beth-
It doesn't have to take a long time.  When you've had enough of being her whipping post, you'll find a way to move on.

[BethA]

Doe,
  I guess I'm just not to the point of being fed up with her yet. I think I'm still grieving over the realization that I have probably lost her.

[Doe]

I understand completely.  You have to move through it to get to the other side.

[Pooh]

Welcome BethA.  Of course you are grieving.  We all grieve the loss of an important relationship.  Doesn't matter if that's a spouse, parent, best friend, child or beloved pet.  You are allowed to grieve.  You will move through stages of anger, hurt, denial, depression and then finally acceptance.  Every person moves through them at their own pace.  It's when you get stuck in one of those stages that causes problems.

Don't get stuck.  Keep moving forward.

[Lisa41]

It's so true. When you get tired of feeling like you do, you will move forward. For myself, I had to start working on loving myself more. Along with that comes the realization you do not deserve to be mistreated.
I don't think you have to be completly fed up with her...just want better for yourself and your 11yo. This is a process- as Pooh said, just keep moving.

[Kate123]

Hi BethA,

Sorry for your pain, I know how you feel. Losing your AC like this is worse then death. I too have a daughter who hates me and the pain is worse then the pain I had when my parents and brother died, which was also very painful but different then this. Although I have learned to live with it (what choice do we have) I still lay awake nights wondering why, and crying because there is nothing I can do to change things ( I have tried, but it gets me nowhere). In my case my x-mil has been a major contributor to my problems with AD and I have given up trying to win her back. I am tired of playing that game and think it is childish to even try. In your case maybe it is Bob, or maybe just her own delusions about the past, or unrealistic expectations, who knows!

Instead of putting this problem first in your life and your thoughts you must move it to the back burner, so to speak, and only deal with it when you have to. It is not fair to your other child and husband that you are giving so much attention to the one treating you badly.

Sometimes we have to accept what we have even when we don't like it. The AC's are not children and they have to make up their own minds about what they want. Even though they may be totally wrong, it is their decision. So hang in there, try to focus on the people that treat you kindly. Sorry I can't say this will pass, but you will learn to live with the disapointment. Just don't allow this to ruin the good aspects of your life.