so, DS emailed me

[Kate]

Keys Girl and ElsieShaye you are my idols.  Your strength and common sense is inspiring.  You are truly wise women.  Thank you.

[Pen]

Kate, if you haven't been properly welcomed, Welcome!

And if no one has asked you to read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the home page, please take a minute to do so.

Glad you're here; please keep reading and posting

[elsieshaye]

So, apparently DS sent a long email on Valentine's Day. (Just got it this morning because I have a filter set that hides his emails among all my other ones, and makes it hard for me to read them unless I specifically search on his email address.  Haven't done that for a couple of months, until today.)  In it, he told me how poorly he's sleeping and how bad he feels, and tells me he wants to "come home."  He says he still doesn't understand why he was made to leave, and feels "punished for something I don't understand". 

My response:
"DS-Name, I love you very much, and I'm sorry that you are hurt and feel stuck.  I know you don't agree with my asking you to move out.  Moving back in with me, though, is not an option.  You may not remember the chaos and the behaviors that led me to decide to ask you to leave, but I certainly still do.  I love you, and I want you to have a happy life that you can enjoy and be proud of, but living with me isn't going to be part of that.  I understand if you are angry with me about that.

Tell me about what you're doing now.  The last I knew you're working at FastFoodPlace, and from your facebook it looks like you're seeing someone.  She seems nice.  -Mom"

I wasn't even briefly tempted to have him come back up here.  The thought of having him live with me makes me feel anxious, nauseated and trapped.  So, it's not going to happen.  At this point, I'm truly ok with him being angry with me.  I just don't have the energy to involve him in my daily life beyond email, and I'm getting a little sick of explaining to him over and over again why the living-with-mom ship has permanently sailed.  Ugh.  I know this is all part of the dance, but can I just say how completely angry and disappointed I am that he is trying to guilt and manipulate me into taking him back in?  Zero attempt at taking ownership of his own stuff.  Pure playing-the-victim and wanting to twist my arm by telling me how much he's suffering.  That, more than anything, tells me nothing's changed and I made the right decision.  Still irks me, however.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and he could poof into self-awareness and maturity.

[Pen]

Thanks for the update, Elsie. You're doing so well with this, I've learned a lot from you.

[elsieshaye]

Thanks, Pen.  Doesn't mean I don't wanna throw up and/or curl up under my desk and cry.  Thank goodness he doesn't have my phone number and we were able to do this in the relative safety of email.

[pam1]

Good on you, Elsie. 

[luise.volta]

E - You are evidencing self respect. That's my take. Whether DS like that or not, you are being a role model. Sending love...

[Pooh]

So proud of you Elsie and the email was worded absolutely wonderfully!

[elsieshaye]

Thanks for the support, Ladies.
 
Small update: He responded to tell me he had a new job, was happy with his girlfriend, and oh by the way since he's not going to be moving back in with me could he have all the videos of my father and the deed to the small piece of land in a backwater little town that I (and 8 other cousins) inherited a few years ago, plus the email address of the cousin who is the executor of that estate.
 
Oh well, at least he 1) responded and 2) didn't get all melodramatic. I was a little concerned this morning that there would be either overt, mouth-frothing hostility or drama and threats of suicide or something similar in my inbox. I ignored the deed request, told him I'd convert the videos to dvd and send him a copy, and sent him the cousin's email.

I think the lesson here for me is, no matter what else happens or what he tells me to the contrary, DS will be ok and will find his own way.  And, the secondary lesson is that he's kind of a jerk right now, lol. 

[Pooh]

Well, maybe a step in the right direction since he didn't become hostile?  Or maybe nice because he was asking for stuff?  Lol....we are so jaded....

[lancaster lady]

hi Elsie,
nice that he's in contact , had to be a sting in the tale though huh?
Only wants your inheritance .......

[luise.volta]

E - I find that so reassuring. You are "holding him able" (a term Kirk often used when he was a counselor) and it's up to DS what he does with that. Sending love...

[elsieshaye]

Pooh and LL, there's a music group called "Candypants" who did a song called "I Want A Pony".  I'm going to try to figure out how to make that a ringtone on my phone, in case I ever get DS's new phone number.  The relevant lyric is "Mom, I want to be a millionaire - you'd die and leave me money if you really cared.  Oh, I want a pony!  I want a pony! I want a pony!  Pony up!"  Ya gotta laugh.

Luise, thanks.  I have to remind myself that this is not a short-term thing, but a long term investment in DS's mature self, whenever it decides to appear.

[firelight]

wow elsie,

not only are you being an excellent role model for your DS, but for me as well (a champion enabler).  My DD has been in and out of here many times already and is now back at her DH place in "the room" with her 1 yr old, my beloved GD.  That GD is the thing that keeps me with an open door. 

However, I love that phrase, "holding him able"  ......I need to do the same.  My DD is in outpatient rehab (which I'm glad she is sticking with that and I can tell it helps her immensely) and still isn't "right in the head" as she puts it (dually diagnosed with the addiction, major depression/anxiety) and I can tell she is not after 5 yrs of heavy majory drugging.  So I feel stuck and feel protective of my GD.  I think it's coming to a head though as they are paying rent week to week and since I have stopped paying (a major victory for me!), my DD's MIL has stepped up after all this time and paid a weeks worth.....I still think DD will be back here within a month or less with babe in tow.  Should it happen again that she lands here, I will tell her this is not a revolving door.  She may come back with the intention of putting her life in order but not just to land here like a feather on the breeze willy nilly and then go with her DH on continuous temporary basis then back here again and again because he (or DD) cannot provide.  If it weren't for the GD, I'd have given this chaos up a long time ago.  I know I've had my fill of it.   And to be honest, I'd like my master bedroom back that I gave up to make room for the DD and GD together.

"holding her able", "holding her able", "holding her able".....I need to write this down....thanks for sharing that phrase, luise.

 You inspire me elsie!!!!   You handled yourself so well......very loving but firm with concern all at the same time and yet in self-preservation mode......I will think about this post for a long time to come in the days & months ahead. 

[elsieshaye]

Thanks, Firelight.  I'm glad it helped you!  Being able to talk about it here certainly helped me.  I've been able to set it aside and focus on other things - such a difference from even 6 months ago.