August, you expressed this profoundly: Forgiveness is one thing, participation in someone's life is another. One does not necessarily imply the other.
You have so eloquently and perfectly expressed a sentiment that's really been at the nerve center of my stress for a long long time. The truth is, if my df had lived, (he died at 59 and I was aware that he was always very ashamed and sorry for the abuse he perpetrated in our family), I'm sure could not have ever been able to tolerate a relationship with him, on a personal level that is. Nothing he could do to make amends would have made me comfortable with him. It was too shame based and had just been to painful.
This knowledge always cut me to the heart, because I feared deep down in my heart that although my ds and I are not estranged because of alcohol/sexual abuse, my ds would feel the same toward me, and I would have to ironically accept those terms. In spite of every effort in my power to take responsibility for the bad decisions I made as ds was growing up (separating him from his sister after divorce/custody battle, and remarrying into a bad situation that bounced him back and forth in adolescence) and in spite of how committed I've been for many years to be worthy of trust, it was not likely ds would ever desire a relationship with me. He has made this clear. I gradually came to see that my pleading with him for love and forgiveness was really just more selfish actions on my part, wanting to get my needs met - to feel better about myself and to feel the past was expunged - rather than respecting what he wanted (or didn't want) from me. This is probably one of the most painful things a person has to come to terms with in the span of a lifetime. WE can't turn the clock back, nor can we coerce another person into desiring to know us and love us. There won't ever come a point in my life that I no longer grieve the loss of the relationship and respect that I so longed for with my ds. That being said, I never give up or miss an opportunity to do some loving action toward him when it can be done anonymously or else not leave him feeling I'm on the take again. Balancing that out, his blame and disrespect no longer have any place in my life.
August. You make an excellent point, and I believe you are completely right in stating that it is a parent's job to do all these things But in discussing this with dd, she remarked that it is both, which is an enigma! The parent performs a duty and obligation in bringing a child to healthy adulthood - the child in turn regards those sacrificial duties with tender gratitude and honor. I do hope for you to come to love and trust others, August, and not miss that element of joy which nothing in life can replace. We all fail at life, but the real issue is, I believe, motive.
