Adult Children who won't let go of the past

[tiffytx]

All are grown and married now...with kids of their own...but they still continue to punish me for things of the past....Their childhood was terrible...I admit to that...their father was an alcoholic...and he is dead now..due to his drinking..It's been 4 yrs now...I thought the kids would be able to move on...But I am told and reminded constantly of their horrible lives as children...I can't change it..can't go back..but can't continue to walk on eggshells...I do one thing wrong...say one wrong thing..then they won't speak to me..or let me see grandkids..I am expected to be twice the parent now...and the BEST grandparent...or I will pay the price...Can't live this way anymore

[Lisa41]

Welcome,
I have had the same issue with my AD, although she did not have a terrible childhood from both mine and her brother's perspective.
What I have done is told her I am sorry she feels her childhood was not what she wanted. We can not change it...it's the past.
She does not seem capable of moving past it...so I have had to accept we won't have too much of a relationship. She is entitled to her view of life. I'm entitled to be treated kindly. If your AC can't do that, I suggest you limit your contact with them. It really does send a clear message that you won't be mistreated anymore.

Take care,

[tiffytx]

I have deleted my fb account....took off text msg on my phone...the pain is too great...

[tiffytx]

thank you Lisa...I appreciate your input..and you are right

[luise.volta]

No one should have to live that way. We marry, it doesn't turn out and we stay…and we are punished. We marry, it doesn't work out and we leave…and we are punished. That's not always true but much too often, it is. We aren't perfect and we can't offer perfection.

What's next is recreating our lives. They aren't over because our expectations weren't met or that we didn't meet the expectations of others. We get to pick up the pieces and get acquainted with ourselves again..beyond parenting. There's a real person inside of us that wants to do what she never got to do. Self-love (and self-respect) is just around the corner! Sending love...

[Pooh]

Welcome tiffy.  Like the others said, sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, good or bad, the results are the same if the person can't look at themselves and have a tendency to blame everything on others.  There really is no dealing with people that do that except self-preservation.  We all have faults, we acknowledge them or fix them, and move on.  If she's not willing to do that, then you can't make her.  It's time to concentrate on living a good life.

[pam1]

Welcome tiffy

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both threads located in the category Open Me First.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Also, WWU tends to get hit by spam at times, please just ignore it.  The Mod Squad works hard at deleting it as fast as we can.

I'm with the others, that's a hard way to live.  IMO, all parents make mistakes and sometimes the grown kids just have to get over it if they want a relationship with their parent still.  They can't have it both ways IMO.

[jill]

Hi tiffy and welcome to WWU.
You have come to the right place, there are plenty of wise women here who have all been through the same thing.
Just wanted to let you know I understand exactly how you feel.  I have 2 dds.  My odd also blames me for everything, and cannot forgive and forget.  I divorced their father when they were in their teens, but other than that they had everything they wanted.
The parent who is around is the one who is blamed.  I imagine that is why your children blame you, as their father has passed away.
It is taking a long time, but I am gradually learning to accept .    None of us are perfect but we do the best we can when raising our children.   If they want to live in the past and hold a grudge for the rest of their lives, we cannot change it.  All the best to you.

[Pen]

Welcome, Tiffytx. I'm glad you're here, but sorry you need to be   This is good place for healing.

[Distressedmom]

Welcome tiffy

This fortunately is not a problem I have had so don't feel I should give advice. Just wanted you to know that you are at the best place to find help if you just take in what others who have been there say.

[USA Grad mom]

This I can relate to.  My ydd does the same thing to me.  I get the blame every day for her rotten life.  If only I would have done this or that her life might be better.  I do admit there were a couple of years after my divorce from their step dad ( the man that raised my kids) that I went a little wild and I do feel guilty and have admitted it but......she throws it in my face e erytine she dnt get her way or I dnt give her money. 

[August]

All are grown and married now...with kids of their own...but they still continue to punish me for things of the past....Their childhood was terrible...I admit to that...their father was an alcoholic...and he is dead now..due to his drinking..It's been 4 yrs now...I thought the kids would be able to move on...But I am told and reminded constantly of their horrible lives as children...I can't change it..can't go back..but can't continue to walk on eggshells...I do one thing wrong...say one wrong thing..then they won't speak to me..or let me see grandkids..I am expected to be twice the parent now...and the BEST grandparent...or I will pay the price...Can't live this way anymore

I'll answer this one.  I'll answer it as a child who grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent who made life heck.

Yep, my childhood was terrible.  As an adult, I realize my parents did the best they could---however I didn't get there until almost 40 years of age.  Despite knowing they did the best they could...it doesn't change the fact that my childhood was heck.  And it was heck because they made it that way.  My mother is as much to blame as my dad even though she didn't drink, because she enabled him and didn't protect us from his verbal abuse.

I've dealt with many of the issues my childhood created...but not all.  I will NEVER fully trust another human being on this earth.  Not even my husband who I have been married to for over 24 years.  Not.  One.  My parents are responsible for that.  It can't be fixed.

Your kids are upset.  They're hurt.  They blame you.  Maybe one day they won't.  Until such time...I think it's offensive for you to simply expect them to move past it.  They were hurt.  Their lives were heck.  That shouldn't be minimized in any way whatsoever.  They were children.  They had no choice in what environment they lived in or how they were raised.  Those were choices that were made for them.

I do hope you reach a point where things are better for your kids...but it's going to be in their own time, not on your schedule.  I don't blame them for being angry and blaming.  I once was, too.  I'm not angry anymore, and I don't remind my parents of it.  But it was and still is their fault for my horrible childhood.  That can never be undone.  And, it shouldn't be minimized.

[August]

To add...I am not saying that you should be abused or need to take abuse from your kids.  Back away.  Disengage.  Let them work through it and come back when a kind relationship can be developed.  If they are seeking you out simply for the sole purpose of making you a punching bag, that's wrong, very, very wrong.  I'm not saying tolerate bad behavior, I'm pointing out that they are entitled to their feelings and those feelings shouldn't be minimized.

[pam1]

Welcome August

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History both threads located in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so.  I did change a few words in your post so that it adheres to the Forum Agreement, no biggie.  Also at times we get a bit of spam at WWU, please just ignore it.  The Mod Squad works hard at deleting it as fast as we can.

Good post, I like how you were able to articulate not being a punching bag and tolerating bad behavior while also letting them have their own feelings. 

[Gidget]

Welcome tiffytx, I can relate because I've been living this situation with my dd since 2004.  However this past few months were the worse since she had a baby without telling me.  So since January 1st, I've decided not to let her control my life anymore.  Someone else would have told me this a year ago and I would have said that I could never do it but right now this is how I feel to keep my sanity and to stay alive and well.  You did your best as a mom just as all of us did.  I'm sending you lots of courage to do what is best for you at this time.