Today All Four of my Grown Children Made Me Cry

[SadMom]

I have not had a good day. I have 4 grown children, daughter who is 33 and sons who are 31, 26 and 21. I am a Mom who owns her own company and has a lot on her plate. I want to know everyone's opinion on my problem.

My 21 year old son has had legal troubles since the age of 16 and still to this day he has court dates. The next court date is in a couple weeks for a DUI. The first time he was in legal trouble was for possession of drugs and over the years he has more drug charges, theft, drunk in public and now DUI.  Because of his charges he cannot get a job at most businesses, but when he did get a job at Sonic he would go into work late a few times. Thus, he was fired from this job.

As a parent you don't want to think your child is stupid, but my 21 is definitely not smart. You would think if he got a job when no one would hire him that he would do whatever he had to do to keep this job. But, not so and he was fired.

I don't want this son living with me so to help him I pay $300 for him to rent a room. I pay for his gas, food, and a little spending money. I understand that a person can tell me not to do this, but if I didn't do this he would be homeless and hungry. There is no one to help him. No father, no one. None of his brothers and sister has the means to help him. If you can see I help him out the least possible way I can. He will give me some hours and help me in my business, but lately it has only been when he needs money and then I don't see him for a few days, until he needs more money.

Today, he pushed me in my own home. He came to visit and I asked him how he had gotten to my house. He said he drove. He had gotten a ticket for not having a dog license and didn't pay the fines and his license was suspended. The suspension became active on Dec 27th. I can just see him get another ticket for driving on suspension so as a parent I told him not to drive anymore. In fact, on Jan 19th when he goes to court his license will be suspended for one year. This is a requirement in the state of VA. So, I told him his license was going to be suspended anyway and that he needed to get used to riding his bike. He told me this is VA and cold and he wasn't going to ride a bike in the winter. We have a small local bus company, but there is that option for him as well.

I was so angry with him as he demanded I help him with money. He asks me after 7 pm for money for a haircut so he can look good for the lawyer as he was meeting her tomorrow morning. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I can't believe a thing this son tells me. He blamed me on his license suspension because I didn't pay his ticket. So I told him to leave my house and he pushed me. He kicked my shoe basket and slammed my doors. For all I know he probably kicked my Hummer. I will check this tomorrow when there is daylight.

I immediately texted him and told him not to come by my house ever again unless it is a family event. I told him I will help him only a little while longer with room rent and $100 a month food.

The reason I cried was obvious, but all 4 of my children made me cry. I told 2 of my sons what their brother did and my heart broke when neither one wanted to call him and butch at him for what he did to their mother. My 33 yr old son is doing well, with wife and family and living an hour away. The other son, 26 yrs old, is newly married without children. My 26 yr old son told me he has tried to talk to his brother many times, but he doesn't listen. (true).  The older son told me that I am enabling the 21 yr old. I told him that I don't have a handbook explaining how a mother can stop feeling compassion for their child. I am a person who gives to the homeless and to others in need. How can I not help my own child?

My daughter is bipolar and on Social Security and now her 13 yr old daughter may be biopolar as well. My granddaughter has had two psychiatric hospital stays in a little over a month. I cook dinner 3 - 4 times a week for my daughter and granddaughter. I go over and do a good cleaning twice a month and was a little disheartened to see the same dishes in the dishwasher that I had put in there 2 weeks ago. There were dishes that had caked on food, etc. Tonight when I was speaking with my daughter she complained there isn't food in her house and blamed me on not buying any. I do buy her food because Social Security only gives her enough for rent and utilities. I am helping her and my granddaughter because they are family, but I feel taken advantage of in this situation.

So all 4 of my children made me cry today, for the first time in my life. Usually one or two have made me cry. I feel like removing all as beneficiary of my life insurance. I feel like running away and leaving everything behind. I am very close to doing this. I feel like a failure. Many of you may tell me to not help my son, but how could you do this if you were the parent? I want to hear from those who have done this - stopped helping their grown children.

[firelight]

Welcome SadMom,

1st let me say you've found a wonderful site to vent on, bleed on , cry on, or even to offer advice on if you want to.  The WW (wise women) here are awesome and it's a nice place when you need a little help with these issues.  Mostly though, it helps you feel you are not alone.

Looks like I'm the 1st response.  I will tell you I have done just that.  And you say he shoved you to boot??  Um, let me put this gently as I can.....I was so sick and tired of the irresponsible DD and SIL (and they still are as something else happened just today and I'm about to turn in my SIL to the authorities but that is another post) that I finally did cut her off financially but it took me a long time to do it. 

My daughter graduated high school with honors with a scholarship.  She began college shortly after graduation.  Then she met my current SIL when she was 18 and he already had 2 children by 2 different moms, no HS diploma or GED, no job, no car, lived with another guy because he couldn't live at home and had no where to go, and bad credit.  My daughter quit college to be with this loser and I told her I would support her till college was over.  When she quit to be with this "man" (not), I told her she has chosen a very very hard road.  I was very upfront with her and she still lived at home at the time.  I told her she was on her own but being the enabling mom that I was (only I never thought of it that way, I was just trying to "help"), I did help her.  I gave gas money, we provided her with more than 1 car, I paid her car insurance and her plates.  Amongst other things.  She moved in with this guy finally in a little hole in the wall and nothing has improved, in fact, it's gotten increasingly worse.  They had a baby (my GD's 1st birthday is coming up this month.)  They did move out of that hole in the wall apt and he worked on and off for a very small shop for about 5 yrs but was laid off so much it probably only amounted to a couple.   

To make a long story short, they lost their 1st real home to foreclosure d/t nonpayment and that home was in my DD's name.  They got in deep in credit cards and borrowing money from this "Cash Advance" type of place and got in deep with them.  After they lost their  home to foreclosure, I went out and bought a very nice trailor in a park where you own your own land so no lot rent.  I (my husband and I)bought a foreclosure at a great price to try to "help" my DD and SIL.  What a mistake that was!!  I saw about 3 mos rent and not a dime after and I think I actually had 1 full payment from them.  After about a year, we decided to unload it as it was strapping us too much paying this extra payment.  I had to evict my DD, SIL, and new GC.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but they were taking complete advantage of us.  My DD did work part time but my crap SIL would lay in bed 1/2 the day, and play video games all the time.  They manage to have money for ciggs. 

They moved out of the trailor and left us some rubbish to clean up which thrilled my poor DH.  They moved into another apt and were evicted about 1 1/2 mos later with a 7 day notice. 

I have helped out buying things for my precious GD whom I love dearly (but they needed a baby like a hole in the head).  In fact, she's sleeping in the next room as I type.  I have even tapered off on that though lately. 

When they got evicted from that last apt, I was crushed as my DH would not under any circumstance allow my DIL into our home.  He has zero respect for him and rightly so.  I was more distraught than anyone (including my SIL's own mother) because my SIL was about to be homeless.  I tried to find a place for him to go by dropping hints to family (both sides) but no one wanted the loser.  I suggested he go to the local homeless shelter. He miraculously found a buddy but that only lasted a week before his buddy's girlfriend threw him out.   My DD came to live with us for about a month and then moved in with my loser SIL at that point in to a "room"...not even an apt....it looks like a craphole half way house of some sort and she's got my GD in there and his 2 sons come to visit.  I despise my SIL as I offered to pay for his GED and he has no interest amongst other reasons.  He has not made any attempts to find work in I don't know how long (years).  I believe he's either thieving, or dealing drugs or both.  I have no idea how they're surviving.  It sickens me to no end and I can't tell you how disappointed I am in my DD.  I finally did cut them off once I evicted them from the trailor we sold.  They are literally on skidrow and there is no urgency to better themselves.  I have no idea what my DD sees in this worthless SIL.  He's is 29 and still wears his pants 1/2 down his butt like a teenage thug....in fact, he looks like a thug.  Grow up already for God's sake.  My daughter is 25 and was the only one working for the longest....but now, she's not either.    I do admit I did provide a Christmas for the children, but next year, I will provide the 1 gift I usually get for them and not take on that burden either.  These parents can explain and feel the pain of why there is no Christmas for their own children.   

I have no problem helping those who are making an effort to help themselves....however, I'll be darned if I am going to bust my butt all day at work to support those who take it for granted and have no urgency in supporting their own family.  This is only a drop in the bucket, SadMom. 

The game will never be over until the enabler stops playing it.  I know it is so very hard and I have cried rivers I assure you.  But my DD wasn't raised this way and I will never understand what happened to her to be content with this lifestyle.  It breaks my heart but if that's the way she wants it, that's up to her.  Life is full of choices that we all get to make.  I only hope that as she ages, she will see what a joke this loser is she has chosen and yearn for more out of life.  I'm not saying I'm materialistic by any means....however, if no one can afford to put a bite of food in their own mouth and have 3 kids and a spouse and still feel no urgency to provide, well, that's their choice.  I will never again pay the price for someone else's pure laziness.   

I was gravely disrespected by my SIL recently on more than 1 occasion and my DD wasn't quite as bad, but did her share too.  I have no interest in providing for people like that.  Even writing this makes me nauseated as I so love my DD and GC.  My DD and I were so very close as she grew up and I have no idea who this woman is now though and the initial shock of it all was the hardest.  However, I will not be around forever so I figured it's time for them to stand on their own 2 feet.  If DD ever needs to come home to live again, I'm sure I wouldn't say  no (but that's me)...however, I will not be the provider for all of them and only she and GD may come back.  I will provide a roof and food and that's it.  I was actually driving my DD back and forth to town (I live quite a ways out in the country) and then I finally sickened of that game after I worked a 10+ day and then run her all over at night.  Nope, the party is over at my house and I'm sure in time, it will be over at yours too.  We are all on a separate journey and each of us eventually get to that point where we know enough is enough.

I hope you find the courage, in time, to do what's best for you and your family, even if it means tough love.  I feel after all I did for them (and I did plenty) I got nothing but disrespect and my belly was full.  Once I changed my tune, I got a little more respect (surprisingly enough) but they're still on skidrow.  I know what you mean about almost wanted to call your DS stupid.  I know the feeling all too well.  I feel like a failure some days but you know, these AC have minds of their own.  We can all blame our parents for this, that , and the other thing...but their comes a time when one must be an adult and take the reins of their own life and their own future.  Life's all about choices and consequences, not living in some powder puff world that is so not reality.  I hope my DD will be able to stand on her own 2 feet when I'm dead and gone and provide something for her own DD.  But that is her choice.       

[firelight]

p.s.  SadMom, if my DD "shoved" me in my own home, she would have no home to come back to.  But that's me.  I would hope that things would improve for her outside of my home , but I will not tolerate any sort of physical abuse or any other abuse in my home.  That's a person who needs to be on their own.

[Distressedmom]

Welcome Sadmom, you are in the best place you could be. You will find advice not from "Professionals" but from women who have been exactly where you are. And you will find women who care about you and welcome you as part of their family.

I have 3 children. My oldest turned 40 last year and might have just now started growing up!

I was just like you in my beliefs, "What kind of mother doesn't do everything possible to help their child?" Then they throw in the GC and you are really stuck in the "I have to help my Child to help my GC". Yep, I have been there. I won't go into all the things I did for my DS because most of them you have done for your child. But, the day he moved out of the home I bought him with no more than a day notice and lost that home to foreclosure was the day, I grew up and started to change.

I still was scared to death how he and my GC were going to live. How they were going to eat. They moved 600 miles away, some say that made it easier but it also made the not knowing how they were harder. My DS would call asking me to take one or another of the GC to raise because he just couldn't deal with them and their attitude. And as much as I would have loved to, I told him he raised them to be the way they are it is his time to fix it. Grow up and be a Daddy.

Then the day came he called and asked the big question. If he moved back down here could he and GC stay with me until he got on his feet. For years his siblings have told me to stop helping him so much, that I was enabling him more. I told DS I would have to think about it and would let him know. I did think a lot about it, about how disrespectful he was, about how much I have given him, about how unappreciative he had become and I decided then "no more"! I have a serious anxiety disorder and believe me I had to dig deep down inside myself to find that strong person I once was to do this, but she was still there and I did. My hand shook when I picked up the phone to call him and tell him no. My voice cracked, I broke out in a sweat but I did it. I told him I loved him very much and would love to have him back down here, but I was not going to be able to help financially any more even if that only meant them staying at my home. My food, electric and water would go up and I couldn't afford it anymore. When I really knew that if I thought it best, I would have found a way to make it work. But, I knew everything would go right back to the way it was, him with his hand out and me with my feeling responsible giving just a little here and a little there until it became a mountain again.

There is no easy way to cut a child off. I suggest it be done with love and kindness, no matter what they throw back at you to make you feel small, hold you stance and let them know you are not upset, you just feel you can't continue the way things are going. As far as him shoving you in your home, set it out clear and now that you will not accept that behavior and if it happens again you will file charges of abuse.

Yes I feared what would become of him and my 3 GC that he has. But then I realized there are places that help people down and out and those with children especially. So he didn't have to starve there is help out there which doesn't enable them like parents do.

I am not sure how this sight works with being able to actually contact one another by phone or email but if possible I am more than willing to talk to you personally as you go through this. I know having a support in place makes it easier.

Please keep coming back to this site and talking with everyone I am sure you will find your story in someone else's and comfort in how they dealt with the same situation. Trust me the situation is the same even though on the surface they might not seem so.

[Pooh]

Welcome SadMom to our little cyber family.  You have received some great advice from the ladies that have "been there...done that...got the t-shirt".  I read in your post more than once that you make the statement "I know people are going to tell me to stop helping him" and that your other children have advocated and done the same.  I think you know you need to stop enabling him, you're just struggling with the guilt you are feeling for wanting to stop? 

I'm also with firelight, once it turns physical....that's where all my guilt flies out the window.

[jdtm]

There is no one to help him. No father, no one. None of his brothers and sister has the means to help him.

Actually there is one person who can help him - himself.  Fom what I've read, your son is young, healthy, and able.  Yes, there is one person who can help him.

[pam1]

Welcome SadMom

Please read the Forum Agreement and WWU History (both threads are located in the category Open Me First.)  We ask all new members to do so not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.  Also sometimes WWU gets hit by a lot of spam, just ignore it please, we Mods try to delete it as fast as we can

I'm not sure which son it was who said it but I kinda agreed with him....the enabling is only making it worse.  It seems like the troubled son is rewarded for a lot of bad behavior.  I can understand helping out the less fortunate but IMO he is not in that category, he is a very fortunate person who is using other people. 

I don't think your other kids meant to hurt you, IMO it sounded like they were trying to help in their own way. 

[luise.volta]

My take is that no one "makes" us cry. It may not be a popular view, but I think we're responsible for our own well-being. It is easy to judge and to react and to blame and to feel victimized. If we do that, we can get stuck in self-pity. Our adult children hit all kinds of road blocks while reaching for maturity and/or running from it. That is their struggle, not ours. Our job was to raise them to the best of our ability and send them on their way to learn cause and effect in the real world. To my way of thinking, our healing lies is getting we are done and in leaving parenting behind. In the process we often have to leave our unfulfilled expectations behind, as well. We where whole before we had children and set ourselves aside…we can be whole again. Sending love...

[elsieshaye]

Many of you may tell me to not help my son, but how could you do this if you were the parent? I want to hear from those who have done this - stopped helping their grown children.

I asked my just-turned-18 year old son to leave this past October and stopped his money cold turkey.  He was taking drugs, and had been increasingly hostile, belligerent and scary.  He trashed something of my late mother's in retaliation for my having thrown away some drug paraphernalia that he'd brought into my home, and that was the final straw.  I cut off the money because I knew it would go to drugs, not food.  He fed me a sob story about sleeping in a park and going hungry (he was really doing neither, which I found out later), but I was just done.  I texted him the address of a local homeless shelter and told him I just couldn't help him any more, and was done talking about it.  He landed on his feet, though, and found someone to take him in (his father, who lives 300 miles away and got to play rescuer).  No matter what, he always makes sure his own needs are met, and I knew he'd do that this time too.  It's time for him to rely on himself and figure his own life out.  There was some contact for a couple of months afterward - hostile text messages, emails and voice mails from him, mostly.  I didn't respond to any of them, and cancelled both his phone and mine.  I also filtered his emails so that I wouldn't see them.  If he contacts me in a polite way, I will consider answering, but not if he's rude or aggressive.  Haven't heard from him in a month.

It's not your other kids' job to stand up for you and take your son to task for how he treats you.  That would be enabling both of you, honestly, and unfairly pulls them into a situation that has nothing whatsoever to do with them.  You are strong enough to stand up for yourself.  You raised 4 kids, after all.  I know it's hard, and you feel guilty, but you're truly not doing your son any favors by either bailing him out or trying to force him to change his behavior.  He will, or won't, as he sees fit and you have no control over that.  All you have control over is your own actions.  (Ditto with what's going on with your daughter.  Sometimes, adult children treat us badly because they want to push us away and have us become less over-involved with them, but don't know how to ask, or don't think they'll be heard.  Maybe it's time to consider stepping back from all the involvement in her life too, and letting her manage on her own.  It actually helps with the depression sometimes to have to take care of your own needs.)

Your son and your daughter can look out for themselves, but why should they if you are carrying them?  Know what I mean?  It also sounds like all the worry and effort is wearing you out, and you could use some time taking care of yourself and your own needs.  That's not selfish - it's necessary!

[Chrisky]

SadMom, I really feel just awful for you.  Our children hurt us so much.  I understand why you are trying to help your son, but after his recent reaction I think it is time for you to seriously think about stopping the money you give him and let him fend for himself.  I really don't think you are helping him at this time.  You could tell him that you will not be helping him financially anymore until you see a significant improvement in his behaviour and an significant effort on his part to get his life in order.  It's tough love, and will hurt you, but I think enough is enough.  You need to step back, and take care of yourself, because all this stress is not good for your health.  Good luck to you.

[lancaster lady]

We always think our children love us the way we love them .
It comes as a shock and disappointment when we realise that they don't , and it hurts .

your son Sadmom will have to learn to support himself when you withdraw your help  , I'm sure he'll do just fine .
why should he hold down a job when he knows you will rescue him ? He's going to have to learn from
his mistakes and fast . So please stop now .

Your daughter is 33 , although ill , most people muddle through somehow .
She might try a bit harder if you stopped helping her too .

It won't be easy , but it will help them in the long run .

[Lisa41]

Welcome,
Your post could have been written by me. My AD did not respect all that I did to help her over the years. I rented an apartment for her and SIL in my name- she did not pay the rent or utilities and I was left with a $5000 bill!
I know it feels like you are helping him. Trust me, you are not. He must take responsibility for himself. Don't wait until he is 35 like I did with my AD.
Perhaps your other children are frustrated with your inability to set limits here. I know my son was sick of how consumed I was with my AD. He was sick of hearing about it.
Your children are adults now, your job is done. You must start the process of focusing on yourself!

Take care,

[Ruth]

I just got through reading this thread, and I just want to lay down on the floor and cry and cry for the first three of you, sadmom - firelight - distressed mom  - elsiehaye has battle scars but is on the other side of this war.  I don't have anything to add to the great responses you have received, and will continue to receive from other sufferers on the website who have walked in your shoes, but I want to say that you have my utmost respect and empathy.  You are living the worst of circumstances, being powerless to bring your a/c to their senses.  My issues with adult ds are not in this line, but it has been many years of despair and heartbreak also, I know this hurt.  I am so sorry, and encourage you to link up with the others here who have learned some skills in setting boundaries without giving way to tortuous guilt and panic. 

[Doe]

I want to hear from those who have done this - stopped helping their grown children.

I stopped helping my son but I did it when the requests for money (from then FDIL) just made no sense.  My husband is a lot better at saying no so I let him do it.  We didn't stop giving him gifts but we gave them on our time table.   I felt like the constant 'needs' were trying to wrestle some control away from us - control over what we wanted to give and were able to give.

I'm anticipating a request to help with their mortgage at some point but that's not going to happen because DIL yelled at me when I suggested that they wait till they had the baby, paid some debt down and gathered some more money.

I agree mostly with Luise about crying.  I mean,  make me cry once, shame on you.  If I cry twice, shame on me.  I do hope, Sad Mom that you'll reach a point where you are Mad Mom then Who Cares Mom because you are back in charge and moving on with creating your happiness as you were probably doing before these kids showed up in your life.

[luise.volta]

Here's what worked for me: When my sons left home, the "loans" started. For Dwight, that was when he got back from Viet Nam and out of the Marine Corps and for Kirk it was when he graduated from Seminary. The concept was that they were independent adults and that title brought responsibility. Loans had to be paid back as structured...on time and the full amount of the payment. I was like their bank except I didn't charge interest. As long as their credit was good, which meant that former loans were paid back in full and on time, as promised, further loans were made if I could swing it. (Sometimes, I couldn't.) If a loan defaulted, it was mutually understood it was the last one. That never happened. There have been times through the years that I have gifted them with money. Never were there any strings attached to that.

Now, the tables are turned and sometimes I am gifted! :-)

When my grandsons became adults…they were given the same deal…and now that my great grands are leaving the nest, they are doing the same thing. Everyone in the family feels it is a wonderful pattern of mutual respect.

For those who didn't do that, my take is that it's never too late to start. Sending love...