Hope I haven't blown it

[Pen]

I don't ask for anything from DS -  not holidays, birthdays, vacations, errands, tech stuff, help w/stuff around the house, etc. I asked one thing of him a couple of weeks ago which he agreed was very important for him to do. Turns out he can't now due, in a roundabout way, to his ILs.

So, I said something. You all know how closed-mouthed I've been so far...but this time, because it is a 'one time very important thing,' I told him how sorry I was that he had this other issue come up that he really cannot get out of it & that I do understand, but I was very disappointed & felt as if we weren't as important as the ILs. He denied that was the case & asked if I was angry; I told him no, just feeling let down.

I lied; I find that I actually am a little angry. And, I wish I hadn't mentioned feeling less important than the ILs. Darn it, I was making such progress! I hope and pray I haven't ruined everything.

[luise.volta]

We all do the one step forward and two steps backward thing…that's the human condition. My take is that how you feel is about you and you are responsible for that. No one else is. And can I live up to that? Sometimes…

 I suggest that you cut yourself some slack and regroup. You haven't cancelled your procress, which is very real. Sending love...

[Pen]

So you're saying I can't blame my feelings on DS/his ILs? You take all the fun out of everything, Luise. I'll bet some clotted cream fudge would make me feel better...hand it over, missy.

But seriously, I know you're right. I also know I'll deal with this important thing w/o DS's help. Didn't wanna, but gotta. And I didn't close a door, just kicked it in a little. Here's hoping he understands & can let it go.

I did discover a way to deal w/anger, quite by accident; spam eradication works wonders! Take that, you spammer!

[luise.volta]

Pen - I don't think there is anything your sense of humor can't get you through! LOL! Just to show you how much I care, I will eat some fudge for you right now!!

[firelight]

You two crack me up!  This little family is just full of pleasant surprises.....

Pen, the beginning your post reminded me of a woman I once worked with.  Her DS bought her a cheap gift from the dollar store for her birthday once.  She actually called him on it and said to me she wants him to know his mother deserved a little better and she gently let him know it!  I was so surprised as I wouldn't have had the heart to address it but would have been grateful for anything at all.....maybe that's where we went wrong!  We should have set 'em straight with that "no expectations for holidays/special days" when they were young!  lol   

[Doe]

Once I told a son who was continually disappointing me (getting into trouble) that I was just going to lower my estimation of what he was capable of and that offended him but woke him up a little.  Of course, he was still dependent on me and living under my roof so he didn't stop taking to me. 

How would it be for you to tell him that you now understand the situation and that you are lowering your expectations of him as a son?  That you'll turn to friends or other family if you need help?

[Pen]

Doe, I thought of that but am afraid I'd be playing right into DIL/DIL's FOO's "master plan" to have us fade away. I'm not ready for that!

[Doe]

wow - this is a day for people remotely controlling other families (thinking about mommy 69, too).  I feel for you! 

I'm doing a swim fitness class and we use those foam snakes for part of it.  You're supposed to push them down even though they want to float back to the top.  Maybe that's what you need to do with your expectations of him - keep pushing them down (it's a strengthening exercise, by the way).

[luise.volta]

The tough part of it is often that they will do whatever they do. It's actually not about us or our input (unless we give them something to use against. us.) Nothing is harder than standing by watching the process of separation and disinterest take over an AC. And for me, lowering my expectations of myself was the really difficult one. I got that I was never going to accept it or rise above it…much less alter it in any way. I could shut up. That was as good as it ever got. I didn't shut up inside, of course…but I backed off when I got that my eldest son had gone someplace I couldn't go in his rewriting our history and believing it.

Sending love...

[Distressedmom]

Pen

My parents never had any problem letting me know when they were disappointed by me and I see nothing wrong with letting them know how you feel. I don't believe in harping on it, but letting them know they disappointed you I think is a good thing. How else will they know what they have done is wrong? I just tell my DSs both have issues when they let me down and then I move on to "How are the kids?" One of them is finally starting to come around a bit and who knows, maybe it is because I have let him know.

[lancaster lady]

So sorry Pen for your disappointment again !

I hate how that always have to ''get back to you '' after they have consulted with those who must be obeyed !
what happened to free will and spontaneity ?

Sending hugs <<>>

[pam1]

Pen, you didn't blow anything...you told him your feelings.  So you didn't give full disclosure that you were a little angry but you were disappointed in him and told him that.  That's completely fair to both of you IMO, if he wants a good relationship with you he will take what you said seriously.

[Chrisky]

I lied; I find that I actually am a little angry. And, I wish I hadn't mentioned feeling less important than the ILs. Darn it, I was making such progress! I hope and pray I haven't ruined everything.

I can understand your disappointment Pen.  Why is it that WE are the ones who have to walk on eggshells and be careful of everything we say and do, and in my case even in how I look when I say anything.  Why don't they think of what they are doing.  I'm like you now, I don't say anything at all, no opinions, no words of advise, nothing.  But I have decided that if I am disappointed with DS's behaviour, or if we feel we are being treated like 'second-class' parents, I will let him know.  I won't do it in a confrontational way, but just let him know how we feel.  I'm of the opinion that if I don't say anything he'll just think it's OK to just keep cancelling things with us in favour of DIL's family & friends.  I don't know if he'll ever see the light, but I now refuse to make myself upset for something DS didn't do or say.  I never told close friends or other family members what was going on, (I was actually embarrassed to tell anyone of our DS's treatment of us), but now I do mention things - like my DIL not even coming in for a few minutes when she dropped off DS & GDs on Boxing Day. 

[Shelby]

Pen - given that you don't ask anything - the ONE time you do ask for something that he agrees is IMPORTANT, he should follow through.  No you didn't blow it by being honest with him about your disappointment in him.  DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!!  I am with the others who think it is GOOD that you told him you were disappointed in him.  He needs to hear that - otherwise he'll go on thinking it is OK to treat you that way.  Perhaps by being honest with him, you'll encourage him to be honest with himself.  He needs that..  You deserve that.

I think Distressed Mom makes a really good point. 

Pen

My parents never had any problem letting me know when they were disappointed by me and I see nothing wrong with letting them know how you feel. I don't believe in harping on it, but letting them know they disappointed you I think is a good thing. How else will they know what they have done is wrong?

Crisky, Doe, Pam also have excellent points. 
 
I for one think you did the right thing in letting him know how you feel.  Your feelings are VALID.  You are IMPORTANT.  You do NOT intrude.  You ask very little.  When you do ask ONE IMPORTANT thing, he should make darn sure it happened.  He didn't.  You deserved better. 

I am glad you let him know how you feel.  He needs to be accountable.  We MILs bend over backwards to not intrude, to the point we neuter any personality we may have.  Remember the Stepford Wives?  We become the Stepford Mothers and Mothers-in-Law.  We walk on eggshells.  Then you worry that YOU blew it?  I don't think so!

I am currently frustrated with DS on similar theme.  They came in town for the holidays.  Breezed in and out, we had a very nice time, but I did have a couple of business items to discuss with him.  I asked when we could spend about 15 minutes, just the 2 of us.  He told me the time and day.  The time came and went, and he did not show.  He showed an hour and a half later, just in time to say good bye and head to airport.  OK, fine.  He ran out of time.  I understand.  After he landed in his new home city, I texted him that we didn't have a chance to talk after all, and would he please call me in the next couple of days because I did need to talk to him briefly.  He texted back that he would.  It's been nearly 2 weeks and he hasn't called yet.  Frankly the business matter I need to talk to him about involves some $$$ coming his way.  He doesn't know what it's about, but I am frustrated to be blown off when he's here, then he can't bother to call me for 2 weeks afterwards, even though I text him a request?  I will be contacting him soon to have the business discussion, and I will gently let him know I was disappointed he couldn't find time to call for 2 weeks.  I held him accountable when he was 10 years old.  He needs to be accountable now - or next time I keep the $$$.     I will not lecture or scold.  But my goal is for him to feel sheepish.

Long story - but my vote is that Pen was very reserved in her comments.  She did not blow it.

Hang in there, Pen.  Lots of folks here are sending you love.  Give me your son's address.  I want to send him a kick in the rear end. 

[Chrisky]

 Give me your son's address.  I want to send him a kick in the rear end.

Oh Shelby, can I send my son's address as well?  He needs several kicks.