Needing some input and a hug,,,

[BlueEyes]

I have been gone for awhile...would come back occasionally to read and feel the support that seems to surround us as we discuss our issues, share our feelings, and try to clarify our thoughts.

I have shared in past posts my issues with my YDD.  There have been text messages that I never thought or wanted to receive, times of hearing about posts on FB that I refused to hear about, and times of no communication from her for weeks and months (not knowing the reason or even understanding what she was so angry with me and/or my DH).

I need some help...

My YDD is pregnant with her first baby which is due about the second week of March. The doctors have told her that she is a prime candidate for preclampsia. As a result, she will be very closely monitored.  She called me yesterday and talked with me about how scared she is feeling.  As part of our discussion, I told her that her father and I planned to be home to be close at hand from the first week of February on so that we would be available for whatever.  Her discussion also included her fears about going to the monitoring appointments by herself because she didn't want our DSIL to go with her.  She does not want my DSIL to take off any time from work.  She says he would just drive her crazy during the monitoring appointments. So I told her to tell us when she gets scheduled for the appointments and we will work our schedule around those times. However, I shared with her that we would be gone the last week of January which includes the first three days in February. 

Our YDD called last night to let me know that her first fetal monitoring appointments are scheduled to begin January 31 and continue twice a week until the baby is delivered.  My first thoughts as I am hearing the first two appointment dates is "wouldn't you know it. The very dates of the week when we are going to be out of town."  So I reminded her that we planned to be out of town that week but that we would be able to be with her after we return for the rest of her appointments.

This is where my own dilemma started.  I know based on her "pattern and history" that she was not a "happy camper" with me because our plans to be out of town coincide with her first two appointments.  After she hung up, my DH and I took a look at our calendar and decided we could delay our leaving date by a couple of days so that we could take her to her first appointment.  I tried to call her back but, as usual, she did not pick up the phone. So I left a voice message asking her to call me back so that I could talk with her.  Feeling that I probably would not get a call back, I decided to text her that we could take her to her first appointment.  She just needed to let us know the time we could pick her up.

She did text me back later that my DSIL would try to see if he can arrange to be with her at both appointments and for us to go ahead on our trip out of town.

My dilemma is that I fear this will be another time of no communication once again.  Her "pattern and history" has been to be angry with me or both me and DH.  She is very easily upset or just down right angry when she feels we are doing anything with her sister.  Her sister's birthday is the very early part of February.  We are going to visit our DOD but I only told our DYD we are "going out of town."  There have been so many times of no communication in any form with our YDD for weeks and months that we rarely share our plans and activities with her.  I decided months ago to not give much information to our DYD about our excursions because most of the time she has not been talking or communicating with us in any form.  But I told her this time of our plans for the last week in January/beginning of February because of her circumstances.

Part of me is feeling guilty for our having plans to go out of town and for telling her we would be available being the week of February 5 after we return from our trip.  I offered to delay our trip so we could be with her for her first appointment but I feel like maybe that was not quite enough.

Did I do the right thing?  Should we still follow through with our plans?  Of course, we would be here if she has to enter the hospital or the baby has to be delivered early (is my thought). I wish I could just talk with her and share my feelings.  But this makes me more vulnerable and I am gun shy because of prior experiences with her that have hurt so deeply that I just don't want to expose myself to that kind of hurt again. 

My prayer always is that I only want the very best for both of our DDs.  My biggest fear always is I don't want to experience similar episodes of hurt...the feelings go so deep and can figuratively knock me to my knees. I have had to work very hard on myself because of my own health issues and just want to continue that process.  I think I still have the feeling that I want "to be there" for my daughters when they need me and struggle with the concept that "I did my job and they are not my responsibility anymore."  I feel guilty for even thinking that. 

Wow! Guilt. What a trip I am on...how do I ever rid myself of this???   I read this and think when will I ever be free of all this stuff.  I need to be gentle with myself and give myself permission to "just be."  The "just be" pill is hard to swallow...easy to say and hard to do.  On one hand I know I have not done anything wrong.  Why am I not quite convinced that I have not done anything wrong? Is it that I will not allow myself the freedom to just be who I am and let my YDD deal with whatever her thoughts are about my "just being." 

One of my thoughts after I read my own musings here...respect and integrity are top on my list of behaviors for myself.  I expect that from myself and hope I receive that from others (does not always happen but I continue to hope). 

Your thoughts and hugs are greatly embraced and appreciated...

[nikncon]

Dear blue eyes.Welcome back.Congrats on becoming a grandma.I really think that you and DH should go as planned.We always put ourselves last for our AC. Your DD wil have her DH at the first few appts .I think that it's a bonding experience for him and DD. You are only going to be gone for a week.DD will get over it.You can always ger her or new GC a small gift on your trip to show that you were thinking of them.I have rearanged my plans many times in the past year just to have the plans change at the last mimute and I missed out on what I was going to do.Good luck.PS You and DH will have many other appts that will need rides to.Don 't worry.When  DD needs you amd SIL is working she will really a ppreciate you more when you take her.And will think how lucky that she has DM and dad  nearby.Only my two cents for what it's worth.

[Elise]

Blue eyes;  You are loving and thoughtful and kind. I do not have any advice except to keep room for you and your needs in mind as you figure this out, as there may be lots of needs ahead with your GC and or through the pregnancy. Seems to me the stronger you stay, the more confidently you can respond.

Guilt - that one can really get me at times. When something I do or don't do makes me feel guilty regarding my DS, I try to think about or find out if I did something wrong. If I did, I try to correct it as quickly as I can. If after thinking about it honestly I can find nothing I did wrong, I realize my DS is trying to 'guilt' about something - tugging on my heart strings and being manipulative. It is easier for me to let it go then.

I know you will find the way, sending lots of positive energies you way today

[Pooh]

Blue Eyes, I would go on with my plans too.  From YDD's past history, she has treated you very badly.  I know you love her, but rearranging your schedule when she decided she needs something from you, IMO just says, "You can treat us badly and we will still jump."  You gave her prior warning on your schedule, made great offers and now it's on her to decide if she wants to accept the offer.

Besides that, I think the other Sister would be just as disappointed if you changed your plans to suit YDD.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  It would be different if it was an emergency medical situation where she had no one else.  She has her DH and doesn't want to inconvenience his work schedule, but wants to be upset that you will not inconvenience yours?

[Pooh]

And here's your HUGE HUG!  (((HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG)))

[Doe]

Hi Blue Eyes -

So you offered to do something for her any time except for 10 days.

She made it so that the appt happened during the time you said you couldn't do it.

You offered to change your trip.

She said that she would check with her husband, the father of their baby, to get him to take her.

That's all that happened, right?  Can you try to take this at face value and not read a lot into it?  If she gets her panties in a wad again, that will happen but you aren't trying to make that happen, are you? 

Try to look just at yourself and what your intentions are and what your actions are.  That's all you can really control.  She may get mad again, a tornado may tear down all the houses in your neighborhood, we may go to war with Iran tomorrow, but really, how much of that can you control? 

If someone you didn't know came up and accused you of things you didn't do, you wouldn't feel guilty about those things, would you?

[Lisa41]

Hi,
When I read your post, a familiar theme emerged. So many of us rearrange our lives continually for our AC. Even when they have treated us horribly.
I think it is important you take this trip. If your daughter gets mad, so be it. That is her choice. We all seem to live in this place of perpetual fear that we will anger them. And for so many of our AC, that is how they control us.
It is important you maintain your own life, your own plans. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

[firelight]

Hi BlueEyes,

You sound like a loving mom to me.  I have a stong inkling that your DD is not going to shun you for now.  I think she probably is afraid and when kids (even AC) are afraid, they want their moms.  Mommas "fix" things.

I don't think you have been unreasonable in any way with your schedule and doing your best to accomodate her.  I'm with Doe on this one.  Don't live in the what-ifs.  My own DD was glad to have me around and especially when the labor started.  Initially and all through the pregnancy she told me I would not be allowed in the L & D room as she and my SIL would be the only ones in there.....that is till the 1st labor pains hit her....she called me at work and asked me to come and then didn't want me to leave at all.  I was in the L & D room through the whole thing and even cut the cord since my SIL wimped out when it was offered to him!  My SIL actually went to the fam waiting room and crashed out just a few minutes before she gave birth (36 hrs of labor)....so when she crowned I went running down the hall and made him get up so he could witness the birth, which he did.  Afterwards she told me she was so glad I was there and that I could help her think she could do it. (even though my tears were streaming during the hard labor....hard to watch your own baby go through that agony, but I'm glad I was there).  You know when that labor starts, you seriously wonder if you really can do it!  I was prepared to just be at the hospital though when she told me I wouldn't be in the L & D room and just wait.   

Things and views seem to change at the drop of a hat  when our DD are pregnant.  I have a feeling she really does want you around.  I think you're doing just fine.  Try not to worry so much about this one. 

If you want to share your feelings with her, then do it when the time and place is right.  I try to follow my own gut on these things even if others around me say differently.  I'm her mom and if it backfires, it backfires.  It's not the end of the world.  We're mom's 1st and friends 2nd, even though we're more "friends" with our AC. 

Keep doing what you're doing.

  

[BlueEyes]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my tale of woe.  Also thank you so much for the hugs and support.

My stomach right now if tied up in knots.  I know this my own fear of the unknown. 

I am planning on following through with our trip at the end of January/beginning of February for a week.  From all the input from this forum and a friend I talked with this morning, I agree that unless our YDD ends up in the hospital we need to "stick to our guns." 

This is not an easy thing for me to say and do.  I wish so many times that life was just a bit easier on all of us...

[luise.volta]

My take: your YDD is moving toward maturity and responsibility. It seems to
me the way to back her up in that often very difficult process is to treat her
like an adult. She is morphing from being the "baby" that others tip-toed
around to a parent. Not a necessarily easy transition. "We're going to be out of town visiting your DS at the time you will be going for your first appointment. Please let us know if we can fill in for DSIL later in, if needed. We'd love to." The beginnings of her learning to expect more of herself, is you epecting more of
her. Sending love...

[BlueEyes]

Luise, Thank you for your thoughts.  I appreciate sooo much your suggestion of a message I can relay to her "We're going to be out of town visiting at the time of your first..."  I'm going to use it with a  on my face.  I also enjoyed the statement, "the beginnings of her learning to expect more of herself is me expecting more of her. Wow!  This helps in my processing my own feelings  about all of this.

I wonder if there is a class or course in our big adult world that helps parents of AC learn various strategies for interacting with them.  Maybe, the class is just what each of us experiences as life dishes it out.

[Ruth]

Oh dear I know this devil.  I'm going to confess that I have some of that devil in my own personality and my dh will concur.  As i keep climbing onto higher ground, however, with the help of this great group and most of all with much prayer and self honesty, I don't do that pout/punish/pretend routine so much anymore.  I think it is a personality habit, well actually its a flaw, and probably not uncommon, and it doesn't foster good healthy relationships.  It is intended to make the other feel guilty, not even intended to reverse a decision as much as just getting gratified by making someone else smart for disappointing you.  You have done the best thing, dearest, if this is the case, because just being cool about it and making a kind overture and then proceeding to BEING FINE is the best medicine in reversing this tendency.  I think its a silent, adult temper tantrum.  Forgive me if I'm off base, I'm only responding to this one post and I haven't gone back and read the history.

[firelight]

BlueEyes,

I don't think there's a class to learn how to deal with our AC because I'm convinced no one has actually perfected it or even figured this out since the beginning of time!   

But there's a class here at www.wisewomenunite.com for those who want to grow and learn and it comes with a family too.  Everyone is welcome and it's a come as you are sort of place!  The cost is 0$$.  That's the place for me.      ha

[BlueEyes]

Thank you Ruth and fireflight.  Right now, I seem to be clinging to every post for the embracing and support that I am needing.

Ruth, thanks for sharing.  I have a hard time understanding my YDD's ways of reacting and interacting.  Most of the time her behavior comes so far from left field and many times I am not even expecting it.  She will be hugging and talking with my DH and me the times when we are visiting with each other (i.e. Thanksgiving and Christmas) and then turn so quickly to anger and total frustration. As I read this, I think this is the manipulation part of her personality revealing itself. 

I am getting to the point, which is sad, that there are very few and short periods of time when she is not upset and angry with something I have said or done.  When I read this it almost feels to me like I am having a "pity party." But I am not usually a person looking for pity, I just want to understand.  I also know there is no understanding.  To not understand is a very difficult concept for me to grab and hold on to.

Until just before the holiday season there was no communication from my YDD.  During this time, I was the most relaxed which for me at the time was a good thing because I was healing from some stress related health issues. Now with this last few days of dealing with her, some of the symptoms feel as though they are starting to surface again.  Backing off for a while I know is in order but loving her makes that option difficult at best.  Signs of preclampsia are surfacing with her pregnancy and she is scared.  I want to be there for her but her latest behaviors make it quite a challenge for me to know what strategies I need to put in place to protect myself.  I usually am more of a "wysiwyg" type of person but she seems to have a hard time just accepting me as the person that I am.

I know I need to think this through and give it time.  Give her space?  Leave a voice mail occasionally? Mail her a thinking of you card and let her know that we would love to be there at her subsequent baby monitoring appointments when she needs us?

WiseWomenUnite.com is my classroom.  So I will keep on keepin' on.  Thank you for listening...

[Pooh]

I'm thinking the opposite BlueEyes.  I think you need to stop thinking about it so much.  You gave her what you could do for her and now it's up to her to accept the help or go another direction.  Put your energy into something that you enjoy and the stress will melt away.  One of my favorite sayings during the "what am I going to do" phase I was in about a year ago, that a friend posted on her FB wall was:

"Don't let anyone take up space in your head that isn't paying rent"

It became my mantra during those months and reminded me that I'm my own landlord.