Help me!!!!

[Mommy69]

I'm 42 years old. I have a 20 year old daughter that is in a abusive relationship. She has a 2 year old and she is expecting again in May.  I love my daughter and I cherish my grandson! He has been my Joy. The problem is her boyfriend. He is a horrible person. He is abusive  to my daughter in every way imaginable. I have butted heads with him on several occasions. I am so worried about my daughter and grandbaby and the lifestyle she lives with her boyfriend that I have panic attacks, it's all I think about. I am completely consumed by this.  When my daughter is mad at him, she will admit to what a lousy person he is and will ask me to help her leave him. The problem is that she never leaves. Maybe for a day or two but then he apologizes and promises her things and she's sucked right back in.  When things are good between them, she'll defend him tonthe bitter end. She tells me that I need to stay out of it but she brings me in to her problems every time and ofcourse I feel like I must be there! That I must try to save her from this monster of a man!! I have cried so many tears for the past two years. Things have only gotten worse for her especially in the past 8 months!!!  I can not live my life like this anymore but I don't know what to do to get out of it.  Last night I was informed that I was no longer allowed to keep my grandson over night because I trimmed his bangs. I was also told that I ruin everything they plan for him and that I try to control his life.  I'm not sure how I try to control a 2 year olds life.  My daughter is so blind and is stuck in an abusive relationship.  What's worse is we live side by side in a duplex and I hear the fighting and yelling and him calling her bad names right through the wall.  She won't leave him and I don't know what hold he has on her.  I feel like I've lost my daughter.

[Distressedmom]

Mommy69, I am new to this site and may not be the one to give you the best advice but am sure others will be very helpful if you just hang in there.

The advice I do have comes from being in an abusive marriage myself. No one could convince me to leave because my abuser had broken my self esteem so badly I thought no one else would ever want me.  They are also so convincing when they apologize and especially if you have children with them, you want it to be true and be a family. But, the more others pushed me the more alienated I became from everyone and the stronger hold he had on me. First I suggest you listen and give her a safe haven, but don't push her to leave him. She has to make that decision on her own as hard as it is to watch.  Some states if you call the police when they fight (since you know when it happens) they will arrest him without her filing charges. That keeps him from blaming her and taking it out on her when he gets released.
Secondly, I suggest you keep record of all the fights, days and duration and effects. Being next door could be a blessing because you know they are ok even if not in good situation.
I guess last of all I would say kill them with kindness, be as sweet as you can be and let her know you love her and she is a strong woman. One day she will believe you.

[Pooh]

First, Welcome. Please read the two posts under Open Me First. One is the Forum Agreement which has to be a fit for this to work…and the other is How This Happened…our history. Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to do this.  Also, we get hit with quite a bit of spam.  No need to report it to the moderators.  We are all on different time zones and when one of us logs on, we will take care of it.  Thanks.

I agree with DM, let her know that you will be there if she ever decides to make a change, but then stay out of it.  Call the police and let them deal with the fighting.  If they think the children are in danger, then they will call child services in.

[Begonia]

M69: Welcome to the forum and so sorry for the pain you (and your DD) are going through. Especially for the little guy who seems to be in the middle. I agree with DM about the cycle of abuse and how it takes away your self-esteem. As painful as it is, unfortunately your DD is an adult and as you know she will walk her own path. Knowing you love her and the DGC is the biggest blessing.  These are complicated issues and I understand how helpless you feel.

I do have to ask about the circumstances of living next door in the duplex. Who moved next to whom?  I think it's tough on any relationship to live next door (or with) your FOO or IL.  Trimming the little guy's bangs was probably crossing a boundary unless your DD asked you to or you have done that before.  Hope you can find some peace (in my mind it might mean moving further away) before the other baby is born. In any case, be very careful how you proceed because an angry and violent person is not someone you want to provoke. In the meantime, check out domestic abuse help lines.  They have staffers on duty you can talk to and you could give the information to your DD so if she needs to get away to a safe place (not your place next door) she would know where to go.  They also can give you advice on the next steps.  Good wishes on your journey and keep us posted.

[pam1]

Welcome Mommy69

I'm so sorry you and your DD/GC are going through this.  I agree with Pooh, call law enforcement would be the best bet.  They can assess the situation to see if the children are being harmed.

[Doe]

Well, the knotty truth of it M69, is that you have lost your daughter, at least the young girl you raised. You're dealing with an adult now who has made some lousy choices.

Two things you said stood out:

 "She tells me that I need to stay out of it .."

"I can not live my life like this anymore.."

Here, you have two adults who don't want you to be part of this drama.  One way you could move through this is to finally decide that you have to be the strong one here and set the future course.  You could tell your daughter that she can no longer come to you with her family problems, that you can't foster this relationship anymore.  When the fighting starts, call the police about a noise complaint and do that every time. 
I can attest that the dynamics change when law enforcement gets involved and they will take it out of your hands if there is a problem. 

I know it's awfully painful and it may take some time for you to turn yourself around, but you have our support here when you need it.

[firelight]

Welcome Mommy69,

it's your lucky day, you found us!  yay!

You are "singing to the choir" which is so very good because you're going to find you're surrounded by women who have been (and still driving down) this road a time or two.  One thing you should know:  you're not alone!

I am in the same boat with my own DD and SIL.....uuuuggghhhh....so painful to watch this go on.  Only your DD can stop this ugliness.  I think she might feel trapped with him with one on the way.  We have to let them grow up on their own and do things the hard way sometimes (I know I sure did it the hard way.).

Doe's response is so blunt but so true: 
"Well, the knotty truth of it M69, is that you have lost your daughter, at least the young girl you raised. You're dealing with an adult now who has made some lousy choices."

This is the hardest realization to come to grips with.  I am also learning to deal with this sort of thing.  I tell myself (and others!)  "She wasn't raised this way...."  but the fact is, she is who she is and only she can change her own situation. 

Keep posting and reading Mommy69.  I hope you'll find some comfort and courage here.  You're amongst friends!

[firelight]

p.s. it must be so very difficult living next door to this fighting.  I agree though that if it's out of hand, you could call the police.  A few visits from them might be an eye opener.  If your DD neighbors were anyone but you, that might have happened already.

I have had to call a service on my DD and SIL out of concern for my baby GD.  I also had to evict them for nonpayment of rent for many many months from a place we rented to them.  That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do next to calling child protective services.  I bawled the whole way through and was certain I was going to die of heartbreak right there on the spot.  I have no idea if CPS ever checked up on them but I assume it happened.  They won't go in and snatch up the baby (don't worry) unless they find some serious abuse or neglect to the child.  However, I think it may have opened some eyes on DD/SIL's part.

We still talk though (she doesn't know who called and has never mentioned it to me if anyone went over there) and we mom's know we love our "babies" no matter what.  I have to wait for her to get through her own issues even when she made some horrible life choices for herself.

re: cutting GC bangs:  might want to call and seek permission for stuff like that.     I used to be a hairstylist before I was a nurse and even though you did it because the GS probably needed a trimming, we still can't take it upon ourselves to do that sort of thing.  You know how moms can be.  *hugs* to you Mommy69.  Hope things get better....keep us posted!
   

[luise.volta]

Welcome - You have come to where support is available if you want it. An extended family is here to offer you the room to move through what is going on, if you choose. We are just a group of women who have elected to grow beyond aloneness, heartbreak, frustration, self pity, victimization and the sense that we can or should fix the lives of others... were that possible. Many of us have been advocates for our grandchildren (GC) and have learned that too has to be done from a distance. We are women who, without any professional base, are healing at various levels in the process.

We are learning to do what we can, step back and let go. Our adult children (AC) are separate people. We raised them to the best of our ability and our job is done.
They make choices and learn cause and effect, or they don't. Our parenting ends where their responsibility begins. Our opportunity on the other side of all of that, is to rebuild our own lives. Sending love...

[Lisa41]

Welcome,
I went through the same situation with my AD. My oldest GC (then 7), would call me when the fighting got too bad. I called the police on my SIL many times. I testified against him in court when he broke my daughter's jaw. She, on the other hand, went to court and defended him.
When he was convicted and sent to prison, it was enough to break the cycle. She would have NEVER done it on her own. Your daughter needs your help, but like me, you will have to do it from afar.
As Luise said, they are adults now, and make their own choices. You do what you can to protect their safety and that of your GC, the rest you must let go.

[Mommy69]

Thank You all for your posts and your words of encouragement and support.  This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in all my life.  I can totally understand that maybe I should have gotten permission from my daughter to trim my GC bangs but you would think I had done something so bad by all the horrible texts I received.  My daughter called me a little while ago.  I found out that she had only sent the first text and asked me if I had trimmed his bangs and then her boyfriend took it upon himself to say all the other mean and nasty things.  She said she wanted to bring the baby over and for the two of them to visit me tomorrow.  I feel a little iffy about it.  Like maybe I should tell her no.  It's almost as if she has forgotten all about what she said and what her BF said to my via texts and I am supposed to let it all go and pretend that it never happened.  That's kind of how it is when they fight and when she has left.  A day or so later she runs back and he sucks her back in with all the empty promises and how sorry he is and how things are going to change and my husband, my son and myself are still over here traumatized by the entire situation.  How do I get it through to her that it is not okay?  It is not okay for her boyfriend to say the things he has said to her family and then expect us to just forget that it happened?  More importantly, how do I get her to see it is not okay for him to hit her and call her names??  That it is not okay for her 29 month old son to see his daddy hit his mommy and call her names and make her cry??  How does she not already know this and when is she ever going to say enough is enough???   Today while in the bathroom I heard him calling her a few horrible names and threatening to hit her in her face. I went into a panic mode as usual but instead of trying to call her or any other futile attempts...I went into my bedroom and turned up the television and then I just prayed and prayed and prayed.  That was huge step for me.  I am slowly realizing that no matter what anyone says, it is her and only her  that can change this situation.  I want to make it clear that I have never butted in to one of their fights.  She has always came running to me or called me screaming for my help.  always.  It is really hard to stand by and listen to it.  I will always want to fight for her and protect her from that Monster of a boyfriend.  He is truly a piece of work.  I am realizing little by little that I can't save her.  She knows what she needs to do and it infuriates me that she is going to stay and take that from him.  I know that a lot of it is because she is having a second child with him and she wants to keep her family together.  I have been there and done that.  But enough is enough and I never went through the abuse she has endured.  He has really got her beat down.  So instead of me begging her to leave or giving her all the reasons why she should leave,  I am going to tell her that I love her and that she is beautiful and kind and very important and that me and her dad will be here when she decides to get out of that situation.   I have cried an ocean for her.  She deserves so much better and she has truly sold herself short.  My mom is 79 years old and suffers from Alzheimer's.  Before the disease hit her, she used to say "When you get your belly full you'll be done with it."    Truer words have never been spoken.  So to my new friends, what should I do??  Should I let her come visit?  If so what should I do, what should I say??   I am so lost.   I feel so defeated.

[firelight]

All I can say is what I would do.  I always let my DD come to see me or call or whatever she wants/needs if she initiates it.  But that doesn't mean that would work for everyone. 

The only thing I can say to you is to follow your gut (since you asked).  It's so very sad.  Your own mom is right....I went through that abuse with my 1st husband and when you're belly is full, it really is full.  There is a snap in that turning point and that's when we move on.  Just because your DD is having another babe doesn't mean things are hopeless for her but they might feel like it right now to her. Back in those days I actually left my 1st husband because of our daughter.  I didn't want her to see that this dysfunctional life with a man is normal.  It is not normal and it's not ok.  Only she will be able to tell when her belly is full though. 

However, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police if I needed to.  It can be an anonymous call.  Now that your DD is pregnant, her husband's abuse is not only threatening her but her unborn babe also.   If she wants to come over and call it quits with him, you can always evict just him if it's your property.  I know in our county there are 7 day evictions, 30 and 90 days that I know of for sure.

Just follow your gut though, Mommy69.  Only you really know what is happening in your unique situation.  I can only say what I would do but that doesn't mean it's right for you.

And Luise is right.  No one here is a professional authority on anything....many of us just went to the school of hard knocks and we are all in a different place on our journey of healing.  We talk a lot of self-preservation.  Most of us still want the contact with our AC and GC.

Warm thoughts to you....     

[farmgal]

This situation has to be frightening for your grandchild and is not at all healthy for the baby your daughter is carrying. Trauma like this stays with a child throughout his/her life and can cause harm both physically and mentally.

If there is a domestic violence shelter in your area I strongly urge you to contact them and learn what you can do to help your daughter without driving her away. I realize it's painful to you to have to hear them through the wall, but at least you're there and you can call the police if need be. If your daughter moves away with this jerk then she will be alone and isolated which is the worst possible situation for her and the children.

[Distressedmom]

I agree with fire and I agree with what you said about letting her visit and building her self esteem back up. I think you should let her know you are there no matter what and that you will be there to help pick up the pieces when they break.

I also agree with several others that have said to contact a woman's shelter or DSS and see what you can do, if anything. And definitely I agree you should call the police anytime there is a fight next door. Don't worry about the kids being taken away there are ways GP can foster the GC if it comes to that.

I am happy she contacted you, she needs a safe haven even if she doesn't realize that's what you are right now.

[Pooh]

I agree with the others that I would let her visit, but I would try to communicate to her how you feel.  Not about her situation, but your own.  Right now, you can only set your own boundaries, not hers.  I would tell her gently that you understand that she is used to how BF treats her, but that you will not accept his treatment.  That his hateful texts to you are unacceptable.  I would reinterate to her that you will always be there for her if she decides to change her situation but you will not accept that kind of treatment.  Setting an example to her of not letting someone treat you badly might help her understand she doesn't have to accept it.

I would also call law enforcement next time it happens.  Like the others said, it's not easy but what's important here is protecting those children.