The Glorious CBF

[2chickiebaby]

On the MIL hate sites they speak of the MIL giving CBF or doing CBF...what is that?

I cannot understand how one lone woman can be so upset when a MIL is excited about seeing her grandchild when the
DIL is going to have a baby.  Could someone explain?

I can't help this.....whole sites created to pour out hatred for a Mother in law. Do they know how hard that is for us? 
It's beneath contempt to live your life, loving your kids, having a great life and have to look at this hatred.  Before I get
lectured on not going there, please understand THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.  You can't escape them. 

Everything we do is wrong. Everything.  ...."and if DH doesn't like what you're wishes are, tell him to have the baby himself."
This is what they say.  "His Mother gives the CBF when she is told she's not to be there"  "I'm having the baby, not her"

I told you about my friend who was so excited about having her first grandchild that the poor thing ran into the house, after
being told she was not welcome at the hospital and said, "OH!! my baby~!!!  Look at him!!"

She has never been allowed to see that child again.  10 years have passed. That was it.  No contact.  Not allowed.

Do they think we never had a child?  Why all these ridiculous rules?  What is it for?  All it does is destroy people. 
Here I go again......

Update:  CBF means "Cat Butt Face."  Unbearable and unbelievable.   

[Postscript]

Chickie I think the problem is not the excitement, it's the entitlement some people display.

As you know, giving birth is hard work.  You leave your dignity at the hospital doorstep on the way in and pick it up on the way out. 

I understand why some of these daughters in law don't want their mother's in law around.  I was dressed in an oversized t shirt, no underwear, in pain and vulnerable.   By the end of it I was hating my husband for knocking me up and told him as much, in great detail complete with profanity!  He's a great guy and even when I squeezed his hand so hard I bent his wedding ring, he was there for me.  He was all I needed.

That is not something my mother in law had to see.

As for excitement over grandchildren visiting etc.  I understand it I really do. 

But you need to remember there are Mothers in law out there who cross the line, they are not normal.  I've looked after nieces and nephews, my friends children and even did a spell working in a day care.  I've never let a child other than my own call me Mommy, when they do I just stop and look at them. Yet there are mother's in law out there that choose names close to Mommy or Mama, encourage their grandchildren to call them Mommy and refer to themselves as Mommy over and over. 

These daughters in law are dealing with Mothers in law who have grandma showers, who prepare nurseries in their homes or feel entitled to decorate their grandchilds room in their son and daughter in laws home.

It's all beyond the normal excitement.

Sometimes I read and think that some of these poor women I just trying to be normal grandmothers, but often times there is a long history behind the post you are reading.  The saddest I think are the ones where the Mother in law has little or no interest in the couple until they announce their first pregnancy, then she's all over them like a rash.  While I understand a grandchild excites her, she's put no spadework into the relationship before hand, it has no foundation and the daughter in law feels like she is nothing more than a baby factory.

As for CBF, when I was a child we used to call people who made that face lemon lips, as though they had sucked on something surprisingly sour and puckered up. 

[2chickiebaby]

Chickie I think the problem is not the excitement, it's the entitlement some people display.

As you know, giving birth is hard work.  You leave your dignity at the hospital doorstep on the way in and pick it up on the way out. 

I understand why some of these daughters in law don't want their mother's in law around.  I was dressed in an oversized t shirt, no underwear, in pain and vulnerable.   By the end of it I was hating my husband for knocking me up and told him as much, in great detail complete with profanity!  He's a great guy and even when I squeezed his hand so hard I bent his wedding ring, he was there for me.  He was all I needed.

That is not something my mother in law had to see.

As for excitement over grandchildren visiting etc.  I understand it I really do. 

But you need to remember there are Mothers in law out there who cross the line, they are not normal.  I've looked after nieces and nephews, my friends children and even did a spell working in a day care.  I've never let a child other than my own call me Mommy, when they do I just stop and look at them. Yet there are mother's in law out there that choose names close to Mommy or Mama, encourage their grandchildren to call them Mommy and refer to themselves as Mommy over and over. 

These daughters in law are dealing with Mothers in law who have grandma showers, who prepare nurseries in their homes or feel entitled to decorate their grandchilds room in their son and daughter in laws home.

It's all beyond the normal excitement.

Sometimes I read and think that some of these poor women I just trying to be normal grandmothers, but often times there is a long history behind the post you are reading.  The saddest I think are the ones where the Mother in law has little or no interest in the couple until they announce their first pregnancy, then she's all over them like a rash.  While I understand a grandchild excites her, she's put no spadework into the relationship before hand, it has no foundation and the daughter in law feels like she is nothing more than a baby factory.

As for CBF, when I was a child we used to call people who made that face lemon lips, as though they had sucked on something surprisingly sour and puckered up.

I was reading what you wrote and realized that maybe some of the DILs are dealing, like you said, with over the top
people.  One of the things that struck me was that my DIL was excited and wanted me to put a nursery in one of our roooms.  I did. 
This wasn't an issue with her.  I am also called one of the "not Mommy" but close to "Mama" names that is common in
the South.

The other thing is that all of my friends have Grandma showers that we give for them.  I am so shocked that this is
an issue.  The DILs are there at the shower!! This way, the Grandma has nursery things when the baby stays there. 
It has never been an issue with the DILs.

Something in the background must have happened for all these things to be such a sore spot.  Some of us though,
do not know which end is up with all this. 

I remember being at the hospital and the Mother's Mother was told to go in first.  I know that's the way things are done. I went in second. 

I never dreamed of being in the delivery room, never thought of it. No one was there with me....my husband was smoking
a cigar in the waiting room!! HA!

 I remember wishing my MIL had wanted to play more
of a role in my kid's lives.  She worked, though and never had time for it.  She made up for that in other ways, like making
great dinners on Sundays for us. 

Things have so radically changed these days.  We are going in this blind, thinking it's the way it once was. 

[Postscript]

Everyone is different Chickie.  Half the problem is that expectations are not necessarily spelled out or understood I think.  My stepmother purchased a secondhand crib to keep in her spare room and a high chair, because I come from a large family there were lots of babies of a similar age and we always had somewhere to put the baby down.  If it was a large gathering, there'd be a couple of babies sharing that crib.  I didn't have an issue with it either.  But then I wasn't the sole focus of her attention either.

I know when my stepsister had her baby, my stepmother spent a lot of time in the first few weeks "helping".  When I had my son a year later, she knew me well enough to know I would prefer to find my feet alone.  She told me that if I wanted her, to just ring and she'd be over in a flash.  In a nutshell I think that is often the problem with Mothers/daughters in law.  My stepmother knew me, my mother in law not so much.  Where my stepmother would offer help, my mother in law would literally push me aside and take over.  I hated that!  So maybe I wasn't the worlds fastest diaper changer at first, no need to hip check me out the way and tell me my son would catch pneumonia if I didn't hurry up was there?  When I raised any small objection my mother in law would pout and cry that she was just trying to help.  It's not helping when you do that, in my opinion anyway.

Grandma showers are a hot topic at the moment.  I understand the reasoning and if the daughter in law is comfortable with it, so be it.  To me a second or third baby shower is crass, a money dance at a wedding is crass, but other people find it acceptable and if that is comfortable for all involved, go for it.

Things have changed, the way society is set up, they have to.  I've worked all my children's lives.  I do things differently to my mother, my mother in law and my grandmother.  I've had stand up arguments with my father over things he thinks I should allow my children to do, like riding a motor bike at 12!  He thought I was being over protective and he would have let me do it, I told him it was my right and duty to protect my kids, he said I was being silly!  I told him that he'd feel really bad if he had to tell me my kid was dead from a motorbike accident!  He didn't agree but he accepted my decision and he didn't let them on the motorbike.  By comparison mother in law would ask if the kids could have candy, I'd say it was too close to dinner so not now maybe after, she wouldn't debate the issue, she'd sneak them the candy before dinner!

[2chickiebaby]

Everyone is different Chickie.  Half the problem is that expectations are not necessarily spelled out or understood I think.  My stepmother purchased a secondhand crib to keep in her spare room and a high chair, because I come from a large family there were lots of babies of a similar age and we always had somewhere to put the baby down.  If it was a large gathering, there'd be a couple of babies sharing that crib.  I didn't have an issue with it either.  But then I wasn't the sole focus of her attention either.

I know when my stepsister had her baby, my stepmother spent a lot of time in the first few weeks "helping".  When I had my son a year later, she knew me well enough to know I would prefer to find my feet alone.  She told me that if I wanted her, to just ring and she'd be over in a flash.  In a nutshell I think that is often the problem with Mothers/daughters in law.  My stepmother knew me, my mother in law not so much.  Where my stepmother would offer help, my mother in law would literally push me aside and take over.  I hated that!  So maybe I wasn't the worlds fastest diaper changer at first, no need to hip check me out the way and tell me my son would catch pneumonia if I didn't hurry up was there?  When I raised any small objection my mother in law would pout and cry that she was just trying to help.  It's not helping when you do that, in my opinion anyway.

Grandma showers are a hot topic at the moment.  I understand the reasoning and if the daughter in law is comfortable with it, so be it.  To me a second or third baby shower is crass, a money dance at a wedding is crass, but other people find it acceptable and if that is comfortable for all involved, go for it.

Things have changed, the way society is set up, they have to.  I've worked all my children's lives.  I do things differently to my mother, my mother in law and my grandmother.  I've had stand up arguments with my father over things he thinks I should allow my children to do, like riding a motor bike at 12!  He thought I was being over protective and he would have let me do it, I told him it was my right and duty to protect my kids, he said I was being silly!  I told him that he'd feel really bad if he had to tell me my kid was dead from a motorbike accident!  He didn't agree but he accepted my decision and he didn't let them on the motorbike.  By comparison mother in law would ask if the kids could have candy, I'd say it was too close to dinner so not now maybe after, she wouldn't debate the issue, she'd sneak them the candy before dinner!

I am honestly trying so hard to learn....it is hard.  We are acting in the era of our lives and the DILs are in their own eras.  Life is different and like you say, it had to be, I guess because life has changed.  People have become very hard in their actions, very rigid and not bending. We don't know why. 

One wrong move and you're out.  It's hard for us to learn.  We don't know the new ways.

Now, the motorcycle?  My brother came within a hairs breath of dying from an accident and I am terrified of them.  Even if I wasn't, I'd never suggest anything like that. 

The Grandmother showers have been so good and really have made the DILs and Grandma's feel special.  The DILs seem thrilled to be apart of it.  I am baffled.

The money dances, I don't know...we don't do those. 

Candy?  Never been an issue.  I've never heard either DIL say anything about that.  One of my DILs is very different, hard in her approach....when I have kept her kids, she walks in the door, doesn't say hello, nothing...."what did they eat?"  That's it, think about it being said in a shouting, brutal way...."WHAT DID THEY EAT?"

One of my friends who I love said to tell her, "they ate sandwiches, if that's not what you wanted, get something out and fix it yourself!" (she said for me to have a mean look on my face)  She has daughters.  (that's why she can say that).  I could not do that with Daughters in law. 

It's so hard for us...we don't understand things.  If we try to help, we're interfering, if we don't help, we don't care...on and on it goes.  Sometimes I think it's truly hopeless.   

[Postscript]

Anna if a little sense was employed with the candy thing, I probably wouldn't have got so mad at the time, it was just one thing among many and very small.  I would internally steam though, why ask me then go against my request of waiting till after the meal?  What difference would it make to give them candy after they'd eaten dinner? 

For years my children have gone to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks during the summer holiday, I don't accompany them and they are completely under my parents control while there.  My parents live a long way away.  My in laws live locally but have not had my kids to stay since my son said no thanks when he was 4, he's a teenager now.  If they wanted to take him or my daughter to a movie or any other outing, I wouldn't think it strange or object at all, but they don't.  In fact they don't even visit.  It seems that the only way my children ever see them is when we or dh takes them over and while there,  my inlaws sit with the television blaring and occasionally grill my children on their progress at school, big fun!

I went to stay with my grandparents, I went on outings with them.  To me it's perfectly normal.  When my children were small, more so my son, my parents both worked still.  When my daughter was about a year old they shifted away to retire.  My father does the kind of things my grandfathers and my husbands grandfather did, the kids hang out with him in his large garage (we call it the man cave) he makes them cotton reel tractors, lets them shoot the bb gun at targets (they live on a lifestyle farmlet) and help with the cows.  They bake with my stepmother and go into town once a week to shop and get treats, they swim in the river, fish and have fun.  I think that is as it should be. 

As I said, my inlaws have never offered to have them, when ds went as a preschooler, they just lived their lives with him around, I don't think that is wrong either.  Just once he didn't want to go over and they never asked again.

I've edited to add the following

Chickie it's to each his/her own.  Cultural differences, generational differences, familial differences.  I think it's a minefield!  I don't think it's understanding the "new ways", I think it is a matter of understanding the individual you are dealing with.  If we could find a foolproof way to ensure that there is a meeting of the minds between mothers and daughters in law, I'd spread it far and wide.

I can honestly say I don't think my mother in law ever tried to understand me or modify her approach with me, to account for the fact that I am for all intents and purposes, moulded by outside influences.  She says she treated us all just like her own children.  The problem is, we (the married in dils) were not her children, we were all brought up by different people with different ideas and ways.  I resented being scolded like a child in my 20's for example, heck my husband resented it too but at least he was used to it.

[2chickiebaby]

Anna if a little sense was employed with the candy thing, I probably wouldn't have got so mad at the time, it was just one thing among many and very small.  I would internally steam though, why ask me then go against my request of waiting till after the meal?  What difference would it make to give them candy after they'd eaten dinner? 

For years my children have gone to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks during the summer holiday, I don't accompany them and they are completely under my parents control while there.  My parents live a long way away.  My in laws live locally but have not had my kids to stay since my son said no thanks when he was 4, he's a teenager now.  If they wanted to take him or my daughter to a movie or any other outing, I wouldn't think it strange or object at all, but they don't.  In fact they don't even visit.  It seems that the only way my children ever see them is when we or dh takes them over and while there,  my inlaws sit with the television blaring and occasionally grill my children on their progress at school, big fun!

I went to stay with my grandparents, I went on outings with them.  To me it's perfectly normal.  When my children were small, more so my son, my parents both worked still.  When my daughter was about a year old they shifted away to retire.  My father does the kind of things my grandfathers and my husbands grandfather did, the kids hang out with him in his large garage (we call it the man cave) he makes them cotton reel tractors, lets them shoot the bb gun at targets (they live on a lifestyle farmlet) and help with the cows.  They bake with my stepmother and go into town once a week to shop and get treats, they swim in the river, fish and have fun.  I think that is as it should be. 

As I said, my inlaws have never offered to have them, when ds went as a preschooler, they just lived their lives with him around, I don't think that is wrong either.  Just once he didn't want to go over and they never asked again.

Oh, I see...they must have gotten their feelings hurt?  Is that it?  Maybe they don't feel like they would do the right thing with the kids.  I don't know, just shooting in the dark.  I wonder if maybe they have gotten the wrong impression somewhere.  Like they're not wanted?  I don't know. Sometimes I think when we're not feeling like we're wanted, we hide out.  I do.  Do you think that might be it? 

[Postscript]

If that were the case Chickie how thin skinned do you have to be for a 4 yr old saying no thanks to an invitation to permanently scar you for life?  I'm sure you are right though, despite my efforts as a young bride, she always said she felt unwelcome at our home, to other people.  I always treated her as best I could, made her coffee, snacks etc.  I don't know what else I could have done.

[dirtyglassgrl]

This is my first post I hope I am not starting out on the wrong foot,  there were a few things I wanted to respond to as a DIL.  I have let my parents and my ILs spend time alone with my kids anytime they asked because my kids seemed to like it even with the IL's that we are now estranged from got a chance to do things with my kids until it blew up in my face, but everyone is different some people have different ideas of grandparenting I guess.  I don't mind candy for my kids either really, they are in fine health and it won't hurt them.  The only things I have discouraged as it came up was with my parents, "no secrets".  I know it is harmless and people feel its fine to have a bit of a secret with kids behind mom's back "this treat will be our secret"  but I feel it does overstep on the parents and it is not apropriate for any adult to set the stage that kids are confidants of adults or that keeping a secret because an adult says so is right.  That's my two cents on the grandparenting.

[Postscript]

Hi Dirtyglassgirl

Am I right in thinking the reason for your no secrets from Mom is the danger of pedophiles etc?  Todays parents have a lot more to worry about.  When I was a child, all the kids from my neighborhood would go to the local park and play together.  I wouldn't let my son do that when he was a child and even less so my daughter.  Times have changed so much in the past 50 years.

[2chickiebaby]

my entire post disappeared!  I can't believe this!!

[2chickiebaby]

If that were the case Chickie how thin skinned do you have to be for a 4 yr old saying no thanks to an invitation to permanently scar you for life?  I'm sure you are right though, despite my efforts as a young bride, she always said she felt unwelcome at our home, to other people.  I always treated her as best I could, made her coffee, snacks etc.  I don't know what else I could have done.

In a nutshell what I was trying to say is when we think we're not wanted as GP's, we run and hide.  We think when a child
says, "no thanks", it is coming from you.  We think he is saying what he's heard at home, that we are bad. 

When we don't feel welcome, we don't go.  We hide.  It's scary to go somewhere where we are not wanted.  I know it
is for me. 

[Postscript]

That's true Anna, secrets can be fun and it's good if children feel they can trust someone.  For example my son is more comfortable confiding in me than he is my husband.  He was also aware that my husband and I share everything especially pertaining to the children (you know there should be an adjective for nearly adult and adult children that isn't children!).  When he got to his teens I made a deal with him, that every day type stuff, like girls he liked and asked advice about, I would keep to myself, however if he told me something I felt his father should know about, I'd tell him this is something I need to tell your Dad and why.  It was part of him growing up and being able to have the expectation of a certain level of privacy.  My husband is aware of the deal.

Sometimes it's easier to tell someone else who you trust other than a parent.  I understand that.

Please understand, I have no fear that my Mother in law could ever replace me in my children's hearts, it's never been about that.  All I have ever wanted from her is to be respected as a good mother to my children and a good wife to my husband.  Instead I was treated like an interloper, a user and she made it abundantly clear she didn't want me around.

Chickie all I can ask is why? Isn't that kind of paranoid?  I understand not going where you aren't wanted, but I really tried so hard to make her feel wanted.  Do you think that treating her as an honored guest in our home could have made her feel unwanted? Perhaps when offering her coffee I should have said the kettles on the bench help yourself and I'll have one while you're making? I don't know? 

I still think the whole dynamic is a minefield.

[2chickiebaby]

Honestly, I don't know, Postscript..if you made her feel welcome then that's all you could have done.  I could be wrong about that.  I don't know.  It is a minefield and it doesn't need to be that way. When you have normal people in a family, it seems like
we would be able to work things out.  We just can't seem to. 

[2chickiebaby]

I'm getting beyond exhausted trying to find some way to fit into a family.  Every little way I could, I have done it.  It  just doesn't work.  My health has really taken a hit with all this.  It's a shame too.