I feel like I' m on a roller coaster.

[nikncon]

 :-\Good evening friends.Well here we go again.My DS who is engaged at the moment calls me twice today.He sounds down.He had a wonderful Christmas holiday with FDIl's family and her DS who is three.My FDIL  then went to the city for a few day.She drops off the DS at ex's place then spends the night at a girlfriend's.This is all fine but she was to be back at three today at my D s's.She didn't call.At three my son called and she said that she decided to stay and bring DS back home tonight.My DS thinks that she wants to break the engagememt.He is suppose to see her tonight and doesn't know what to think.I tried to be positive but this bringing DS to city twice a week is really hurting their relationship.He understands her situation but I just don't know if this can work.I just had to talk to someone and I lnew you women would be hete.I'm afraid that I may have to pick up the pieces tomorrow as my D S really loves her.If you have read my earlier posts you would understand my concern.Why must life be so difficult?My DS is 36 and has never been married.The woman is 29.

[luise.volta]

It is so hard to have to stand by and watch, I know. They aren't kids. It's theirs and they have to deal with it. I always get a sinking feeling about women who have days (and nights) with "the girls." I simply don't believe it. DS loves her yes…is she a candidate for a life partner…maybe not. It's his to figure out. Sending love...

[nikncon]

Dear  Luise thank you for taking the time to write.I highly respect your advice.I will try to get some sleep.Tomorrow I' m sure that I will have a call from my DS.I hopeaMaybe tonight if things things go badly..My DS has lost his dad and his YB  to suicide over ten years ago.I feel his pain maybe more so because of this.Hoping that he will make the right decision.He wants  to be a good husband and SF He is  a very caring and loving person not perfect but a very thoughtful son and any woman would be lucky to be his partner in life.All for now.Will keep you updated.

[luise.volta]

N - I'm going to bed with all of you tucked in my heart.

[firelight]

wow.  Your DS losing dad and YB to suicide explains why you are so worried about DS.  I agree with luise though.  DS has to find out whether this individual is going to be "the one" on his own.  Better now than later if things go south.  All you can do is be there for him with open heart, mind, and arms. 

[Eggshelz1]

Dear Nikncon I also will pray for your son and you. You are not alone! I will pray for FDIL also so that she does the right things the right ways.......

[Pooh]

So sorry Nik...we hate to see them hurt.  I'm like the others, you have to stay out of it and only be their for support and to listen.  Be careful if he does come to you and they have broke up to just be a shoulder to cry on because they could turn around next week and get back together.  If he loves her that much, then he would probably take her back if she changes her mind.  If you say anything bad about her and they get back together, it will cause problems.

Stay strong Nik and just listen and nod.

[Doe]

Good advice from everyone.

We do have to change from running interference in our children's lives to being cheerleaders on the sideline (or up in the bleachers).

Hang in there -

[pam1]

Stay strong Nik and just listen and nod.

Yep, I agree.

[Ruth]

O I am so sorry.  I know what you are feeling.  We wish we could carry the pain for our children, no matter what their age, I don't think this ever stops.  My ds has never been married, and I've watched him go through losses that  I know he stuffs the pain, and it makes his life only go further away from healthy loving relationships.  As bad as it is to see your children hurt and sad, it is better than they know how and are willing to love and take the risks that loving involves.  For those, there is always a future of love and healing.  If this goes as you fear, it was far better for it to go south now than after the marriage.  This is small consolation, but its still true.  In my case, I've found so many times my AC are able to handle and come to terms with more than I thought they could, and I took the pain harder many times.  Will be thinking of you.

[nikncon]

Thank you ladies.I didn't sleep very well.I haven't heard from OS today.It doesn't look too goo.but I am not calling him.He will call when he is ready.I do hope that he does find the right woman one day If this doesn't work out.Again thanks.

[nikncon]

Update.My DS called me tonight.DS and FDIL have broken up.Apparently she can't stop crying and doesn't know what she wants.My son spent the day with her.He did get the ring back but he was returning to her place tonight to watch a movie.He says that they are just friends at the moment.Did I miss something?I just don't get it.I would not be watching a movie with the womam who just gave me the engagement ring back? Or I would not be watching a movie with  the man  that I just gave the ring back to Maybe Im old fashionned.Any comments?

[firelight]

well, momma nikncon, you saw it coming huh.    

I'm with Pooh on this....just be there, nod and listen.  ("I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.")  They're going through a rough patch and if former FDIL doesn't know what she wants right now, then she only did them a favor by not proceeding to the actual marriage and then bailing.  They'll either make it or they won't.  Give it time, stay busy, and keep an open heart and mind for your DS.  At least he called you.  He needed to hear your voice and to talk.  That's great.  I know your heart breaks for him and you're feeling protective.  We moms are like that.   I'm a believer though that if this doesn't some how materialize for DS, there is a good reason for it.  Either something better is waiting down the road, or just some other reason he can't see right now.

nod and listen, nod and listen and offer a hug when needed.  Also, I probably wouldn't bring it up if possible unless DS does.  Just keep the conversation light and positive and if at all possible, offer something humorous once in a while to help keep his spirits up. 

It doesn't matter if our babies are AC....when they hurt, we hurt.  He has to go through this basically on his own though.  Like Doe said, we are cheerleaders now.  Keep your chin up, nikncon.   

[nikncon]

Thanks Pooh and Firelight.Will listen to your wise advice.

[Ruth]

I don't think its a break up.  Sorry but ds still sees himself as rescuer.  Tears don't mean I don't want you, it means help me/save me.   For now, dear one, let them make their own way through this.  At least it isn't hitting ds blind sighted.  He may be far stronger than you know.