Kick me sign to be removed now

[Smilesback@u]

I spent a couple days with DSS and DS with my DH and his DS.  We put on a ham dinner and then a turkey dinner.  I emailed ahead of time and said you don't have to get us gifts -- so only one DS did give us gifts.  He said we always say that -- and he is the one with no career and lives paycheck to paycheck. I learned something about myself from him, and that is, after putting on the dinners, wrapping presents for everyone and driving over to make a family get together for us, making huge effort to get us all together, I find I really do want to have an outward sign, like a gift, that says *Thank you*.  The gift of time with family spending it with us is priceless and that is first and foremost what I want.  It just does not mean that I am *slave* to the holidays if we don't take everyone out to meals...and pick up the tabs.  I have to get over feeling awkward about saying everyone pays their way when we eat out.  And that I want a gift exchange at the holidays - and maybe put a $10 or less cap.  We only have sons and there is so much work with big meals for all of us.  Only one is married, and she is the princess.  I am strong, though, as I know how to put on big meals.  I did our big holiday meals when we were younger, and the kids were younger then too.  It is a lot of work just because there are so many of us, but I also organized the meals differently so that sons were helping set the table, clear the table, clean the dishes etc.  It is a alot more work now that they are adults...go figure!  My DH said he was surprised no one helped, other than to serve themselves.  He would like to make it easier on us, and I don't know how to do that really.  So I have to remove my "Kick me" sign that I must have put on my back.  I am going to learn to communicate better what I want and get over the idea that it is not polite to ask for what you want.  I also am seeing that I have created a lot of my own misery here because of how I am and that's pretty hard for me to realize.  I feel a little bit like I am kicking myself now, so I will stop.   

[pam1]

IMO, you're on the right track.  I think they didn't get you gifts b/c you said no gifts, for a lot of men (and some women *me*) that is very confusing.

Scoop has a lot of good info on direct vs indirect speakers.

Maybe next year just send out an email that you'd like to do Dirty Santa at Xmas and potluck?  I think you might be surprised at the response!

[Smilesback@u]

Right you are, I confused everyone with the no gifts for us message.  What is dirty Santa?  I will check out Scoops posts for speaking directly.  Thanks for the idea Pam.

[Doe]

Hey Smiles-

  He would like to make it easier on us, and I don't know how to do that really.

Would it offend your sensibilities to serve on paper plates and use plastic forks next year?  To make simpler meals or bring prepared food in from Costco?  Or tell everyone to bring a dish, that you are only providing the (whatever you want to provide)?

[lancaster lady]

Maybe a Secret Santa ...where everyone buys one gift to suit either male or female ...and it goes into a big santa sack !
Meal times ....if they were my sons , they would be given jobs to do ...delegate !
when my DS was very poor this year , I said don't bother buying me a birthday gift , however when the day came ....I still wanted a little something .....lol
My DD came to stay over Christmas , however when the family met on 26th at my house , it was my DIL who helped me clear
up afterwards , and my Dd cleared off !
Ah well , never say never where DIL's are involved , this day was a big welcome surprise for me .

[themuffin]

Hey Smiles,  Seems to me that you've figured this one out all by yourself!   I'm the same way in a sense.  I do so much for everyone, but I always feel like they shouldn't do for me.  I'm so bad in fact, that when someone does do something for me I react as if they've given me a kidney or  some other life saving organ and almost feel guilty that they actually made the effort.  It's almost as if I feel I'm not worthy.  That's my own hang up and I know it. 

This year I'm getting better.  My MS was the only one to give me a gift and I appreciated it and I felt worthy of it. I gave him a gift and I didn't feel bad that his gift cost more than the one I gave him.  Because it's not about the money, it's about the thought.  OS and YS gave us nothing, which was fine. Both had excuses, but not really.  There's really no reason not to give your parents a little token on a special occasion. Especially when you are EXPECTING them to give you one. For cash strapped AC a small token could be as simple as a card telling us how thoughtful we've been and how much they appreciate us.  Or a picture in a frame, or a mug or anything really.  They have some cute little items for $10 and even under.  I think most of our AC could afford that.  But even if the gift is only their presence, how about they help prepare the meal, or clean up after the meal and tell you to relax? 

Anyhoo, I think the secret Santa idea is a very good one....But I GOTTA know......WHAT THE HECK IS DIRTY SANTA? LOL

[luise.volta]

You seem to me to be "kicking yourself" right into learning and letting go and healing. Sending love...

[Ruth]

Smiles, Lord love you!   Stop that kicking right now!   Stop, I say!   I also carry the lions share of the food bag with my family.  It isn't even that I mind it really, yes its a ton of work, but what is most distressing to me is worry about none of my things matching and being right, about there not being enough room and it coming off looking dumb.

My (semi estranged) MIL and FIL came by invitation, a shock and no explanation as none of the icy exterior ever melts down (MIL that is, not FIL).  They know that its our 'family' night to open gifts, and she just sits there while the rest of us exchange and she brings nothing.  This ruins everything for me.  I feel awkward, and so I give her a gift that I didn't intend to.  Now I have caved in and feel ridiculous.  She acts even more uncomfortable then.  My DD remarked later, what a shame, as she has wads of money and could have a hilarious time bringing in gifts for the g/c and never suffer for it.  All in all, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing.  Overall, it causes me more pain than pleasure.  Dh says, just simplify and make burgers and use paper plates.  I realize I could do this, the problem is me.  I must be trying to prove something or still carrying around the dregs of my 'look at how great I am and need to get over it' personality flaw.   I am in essence not a person who is ok in chaos, noise, and in crowds.  I am self conscious about giving gifts, as I'm never sure I gave enough.  Now I'm kicking myself.

[Smilesback@u]

Love you for sharing thoughts and feelings here with me.  Love you too Ruth, warts and all

[luise.volta]

I really get a kick out of your guys! Sending love...

[Pooh]

Dirty Santa: Lol...you guys should have known that I love this one!

You tell everyone ahead of time to bring a gift, with a cap of whatever, $5 - $10 -$20.  We do $10.  It needs to be wrapped and when everyone gets there, we put them all in one area.  After you do a count of everyone, say 10 people are playing (we had 30 and it was a hoot!), you write down the numbers on folded pieces of paper.  Put them in something and let everyone draw a number.  Whomever gets #1 goes first.  They go to the table (or area) where the gifts are and pick which one they want.  They bring it back to their seat and open it in front of everyone.  #2 then goes and can either steal #1's gift or pick off the table.  If #2 steals #1's gift, then #1 has to go back to the table and pick again and open it.  #3 then can steal either #1's or #2's gift, or pick from the table.  If your gift gets stolen, then you have to go back to the table, you can't steal from someone else.  You keep going until you go through everybody.  You want a high number so you can see what everyone has and steal something you like! Lol.

We also take up all the numbers as the game goes along and at the very end, you draw from the numbers and whoever had that number gets the opportunity to change their gift for anyone else's!

It's alot of fun, and there always seems to be at least one gift that everyone wants and keeps getting stolen!

[Pooh]

I have to tell you the funny part this year about ours....my YS decided to pick from the table and got a tin of "Clotted Cream Fudge".  First, I don't even want to know what clotted cream fudge is and second, you can bet no one wanted it!  He got stuck with it!

[Smilesback@u]

Thanks Pooh, and Double Yuk on the clotted cream fudge.  Thanks for explaining the game for gift exchange - I like the name Dirty Santa -- really sounds fun to do. 

[luise.volta]

Oh, I love Clotted Cream Fudge! It's heavenly! Send it to: 20420 Marine Dr., #B-7, Stanwood, WA 98292! ASAP!

[themuffin]

Pooh!!! Why have you kept Dirty Santa a secret from me!!!    I LOVE that idea!!!  Heck, I am almost looking forward to next Xmas.  And the Fudge story was hilarious!!!   

I was certain you had made a mistake and meant to write "secret santa".  I kinda thought Dirty Santa was a private adult game and that you didn't really mean to tell us about it, LOL!!!