I am so angry I could burst

[motahe]

thankyou everyone for kind and helpful words. I have just been so low and hurt lately but i will arise above this. Its actually getting this in to my head and believing this is happening. That my DD are like this and are treating me this bad. Just finding it hard to sink in and be believable.
Dont know if you,ve heard the story of the frog who lay comfortable in the pot of warm water being warmed up on stove not noticing water getting hotter and hotter till it boiled and killed him. Well Thats how its been for me. My DD have done some nice things for me at times, sent nice cards and gifts at times but when the fat hit the fire and I became weak and ill and poor (I,m not as bad as that now) thats when I started to see the other side of them. When they left me ill and got angry that they might have to help a bit. I had never noticed anything just as bad from any of them until then. The cold attitude, the real nasty comments and the abandonment. They weren,t the only ones who did this but there u are u dont see it till ur sick.
Just wish my eyes were opened earlier. I probably did see it but handled it better when well and didn,t let it get to me the same. Like the ostrich did I hide my head in the sand? or was I just so busy I never had time to notice. I don,t know.

Well I notice now and I am gutted. So angry If it wasn,t for GK i,d walk for good. Its not the not helping me thats so much the problem as the controlling attitudes of them all(my family, friends and DD). Its as if they were handed this power over me and they could do what they like to me because I,m ill and weak. The whole experience has been a total eye opener to me. Its just getting my head around this and what I,m going to do about it now I,m getting better.
I am just sitting back watching it all  and I just cant believe what i am seeing. Don,t want to believe what I am seeing. This hurts and it hurts bad.
Its broke me but its not killed me. Unlike the frog I am getting back up there and my old self will be back again and this will stop. I will get my own life back again and I will never need any of them like I needed there. This has been bad so bad to say horrendous. Terrifyingly horrendous.
I,m a fair person, I am decent and kind and I have always did my best by my kids.(and others) I love them but like I,m hearing from many of u if this is how it is and if its all one sided then I have to step back and my DD and others can get on with their own from now on in.
I cant believe they could go this far but its true and I need to change. I have been far too soft for far too long now. Its hard thats the problem because I loved them all. Right now I know its  stong words but I feel I cant stand the sight of any of them and I never in my life want to see a single one of them again. All I care about are my grandchildren. I love them so much but I cant stay in this.
Its time like ruth said and patience. I need to keep calm. I feel I am about to burst at times I am so angry. I am also in denial and shock at times but I am a strong person and I will survive this. Its just some days Its so hard. Its hard and terrifying. I have been trying to get over this for a long while now and I,ve been trying to get well a long while now and again like ruth said no-one or nothing could take this pain away.This realisation that I have to change and finding the strength to change can only come from myself. Somedays and i know this is bad to say  but I just wish I didn,t care at all about any of them. (not my GK, I will always love them, I hope).
I am so wrapped up in my own pain at moment I cant see past myself. Sorry for going on and on there and thankyou for all your kind words everyone and thank you for the support and taking time out to care. Its all much appreciated. I just wish I was in a better frame of mind. I am still so angry. still so hurt. I am just so anxious but I need to find patience. I need to calm down. Sorry and Thanks again.

[Pooh]

It's good to get it out motahe.  Anger, hurt, resentment and all the emotions in life are normal when you realize that the people that are supposed to love you and stand by you, are turning their backs on you.  I always loved the saying, "One Mother can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of one Mother". 

You are on the path of healing right now and the most important thing is to take some breathing time for yourself.  You need to do things for yourself, without thinking of them at all.  Manicure, pedicure, long walk, afternoon painting, etc.  Something you enjoy.  Once you start concentrating on the things you love and enjoy yourself, you start realizing that you matter and deserve to be happy.

[Doe]

One thing you said

"So angry If it wasn,t for GK i,d walk for good."

My advice is to not get into the GK trap if the situation is detrimental to you.   You can separate yourself without closing doors shut for good.  Just tell everyone you need some time for yourself to heal, set some clear boundaries. and look at the situation newly when you are whole and healthy again.  Just my 2¢.

Pooh, I loved the saying about the kids and mothers.

[Ruth]

Anger is a rational response, Mohate, and it can propel you forward and away from being stuck in the cycle with the children, but only if you allow it to be a stage and not a residence.  Anger is a powerful emotion, I have found in my own case, and I never got much good out of it to be honest.  Some other people say they do, but it only makes me focus more on my grievances.  The goal has to be, whether we are MIL, DIL, mother or child, to not have our world revolve around another person.  They must exist in the perimeter of your life, and not in the center.

I would advise you to not keep referring to yourself as sick, ill, poor, etc.,  none of the adjectives are profiting you.  You may say you're not as strong as you hope to become, nor as healthy as you hope to become, but don't keep labeling yourself.  And as I said before, you have to 'learn how to fall'.  You have to accept that it takes time.  When its a bad day- and trust me there are bad days- you get up and put on your face anyway, and just pace yourself through it, distracting yourself with anything that makes you feel positive and peaceful, even if its nothing more than sewing up a hem or cleaning out  a closet.  This was always helpful to me in the short term, but never served as a cure.  The cure lies in being willing to release your hopes and expectations, and accept that it may mean feeling sad for a time.   

I felt very sad yesterday, it hit me that the first Christmas had passed w/o my DS making any contact with me (aside from the years he was overseas and then I could put myself into denial) and even worse hearing that he had been with my own FOO in another state.  I had to feel sad and let it go.  Life is very hard, and we have to develop muscles to make it through.

Keep reading and you will begin to see a pattern of people who are in different stages.  Trust me in that the payoff is worth the work and pain involved in finding your freedom and life outside of a dependency trap with your adult children.  If you don't, you will continue on with the g/c and the noose will tighten.  It is better to love them all with an open hand and heart, not needing them in order to be whole.

[Smilesback@u]

Ruth, sorry for your loss.  I agree that we need to pay particular attention to the words we use about ourselves.  Saying positives and putting ourselves in the best possible light is going to strengthen us to get through the painful emotions that are natural.  I liked what you said about accepting our feelings as they are part of life too.  No one wants rejection ever.  Sending hugs

[luise.volta]

A better frame of mind will come, M. We have to be mad, most of us, to move on. When we get that "it is how it is" and that not accepting it is where our pain lies…we start to shift our focus. It usually doesn't happen overnight. Hang in there and start to get that you can't make sense of the senseless. It isn't fair or what you deserve and there are no "whys." Your expectations, hopes and dreams are yours…they aren't any one elses' responsibility. That was the hardest for me. I felt I had earned them and could expect others to comply out of common decency. On the other side is peace. When you let go, gather up your selfrespect and choose to live your own life beyond parenting and grandparenting. It is possible…and it can be fulfilling. You are more than your biological role, you're a person! Sending love...

[Smilesback@u]

A good cry sometimes helps me move on too...but I don't want to live there.  Anger is energizing to help get on with it.  Thanks luise for your wisdom.

[Pen]

I agree, Smiles. Anger can be a motivator if we use it for good & not evil. Sometimes it even helps me get started w/household chores, lol.

Motahe, best wishes. Keep reading & posting. Progress will be made.

[firelight]

Dearest Motahe,
I must have missed something before this actual post here, but I know this:  for me, the initial shock & reality of what is happening is the hardest and 1st step of moving on. 

I don't know what you are ill and weak with and I really hope you are on the way to recovery from whatever it might be. 

It seems we moms/women are always the nurturers and helpers....but when we need it ourselves, it just isn't there like we would respond ourselves to another.....but sometimes we get surprised and a light shines through.  Lo and behold, someone does a good deed and does try to help us. 

luise is right on:  when we reach that realization of "how it is", we do start to shift our focus.  I am just learning that.  Letting go is less stressful than holding on to that hurt.  Start doing things you like to do (no matter how small if you're still recovering from an illness) with yourself in mind for some enjoyment of some kind.  You are a person and a woman and deserve to treat yourself well and with love.  We have to learn sometimes to love ourselves and not only everyone else around us.  It's a major turning point. 
 
*hugs* to you.  keep posting and getting those feelings out.  It's a relief to know you're not alone here.

 

[firelight]

p.s.  you might be surprised also to find how others react when you finally say to yourself "I've had enough.  I'm moving forward...for me." and your actions show it.  I know I did that with my SIL this year for his birthday and then for Christmas which I basically skipped for the first time d/t his disrespect toward me (and then some).  He actually came out the door and helped carry things in when I dropped my daughter off and actually spoke friendly to me and wished me a Merry Christmas.  It was hard on me to actually disregard him (only after a rough road) because that is not my nature.....however, it was the best thing I ever did for myself and maybe for him too.  I don't think he saw it coming.  People think we're just big pushovers and doormats, till we show we're not.  It's a shame it has to get to that point, but it's reality.

I am seriously hoping things get better for you, your family, and your friends.  It's so difficult to feel in such need and have no one come to the rescue.  We're all on this journey of life basically alone so it's nice to find a diamond in the rough when/if we do and to be able to have a site like this where you have a cyber family to vent to and share praises too when they happen (and they will).  We women are tough stuff.  We're just made that way.

[motahe]

thanks for good words of advice and kind thoughts. I know I was a bit OTT in last post  but just had another fall out on xmas eve with DD over their bad attitude towards me and now cant have GK over for festive season. Presents and xmas food still sitting here. I just get so fed up with them using kids as weapons at times. Not only upsetting me but upsetting kids and that hurts. As for my DD i left them a long time ago. I moved away 9yrs ago although still considering to move further.  I do have my own life and I do do my own thing its just when DD have this control with kids at times it gets to me and angers me. I am also getting better from ill health and I should be going back to work soon but it hurt when I was abandoned and treated badly when ill and at my worse.  I just needed to vent but i am actually ok and getting well. 
Do still have contact with kids once a month and calls now and again too so I am lucky in that sense but never know when it will stop due to these two having this control and this bad attitude at times. Xmas always the worse. Think I should consider going on holiday at this time of year and just see them all when I come back. Just let xmas pass by. It is just so hard sometimes when it doesn,t have to be. Dont get what it is with ASandAD now a days.  Why the attitude and cant they see they have parents who care?

[faithZeldas1]

firelight- my AS is trying different ways to respond to the new; no doormat me, enabled me to garner support from your sharing of your SIL's new more respectful behavior.

Motahe- holiday passover Christmas next year sounds spot on, I did do to my AS declaration of working with landlord to have us(2 ol dogs & me) evicted, Monday before Christmas. Thanks to WWU, I'm healthy in my dealing with this & healing me. My journey is probably similar to yours 9 years hince.
Luise's "in the now" is my calming peaceful practice.
If you have interest in my previous post: I'm not yet served with written eviction. Shelter staff(full of experience on these situations) advise stay till 30 days after notice by law or if he gets physical( no history of that) So my boxes are packed (open to revision), bags packed, saving $, & responding to rideshare posts to my new future home of which I've been hungering for since 2008, far away.

[firelight]

motahe:  so glad you're starting to feel better.  I'd rather be at work feeling well than home feeling ill!  I hope your health continues to improve.  Take good care of yourself. 

faithZeldas1:  Blessings to you as you go through this vulnerable time.  May you have something better waiting for you soon. 

[faithZeldas1]

Thanks firelight, you have a happy new year. Today I got a new coping technique ( just in time, I was getting bruised from all the tapping!) forced laughing. So if a past emotion wells up I just laugh : )

[luise.volta]

Oh, I LOVE that!