The Holidays

[tryingmybest]

Is anyone else as relieved as I am that they are over with?

[luise.volta]

Funny, but the biggest one for me is yet to come and I am so looking forward to it. It's New Years Eve. For the last two-plus decades, my sort of daughter, Sonja, and I have done what we call Miracle Lists together on New Year's Eve. (We define a Miracle as anything totally wonderful!)

We write a list of all of the Miracles we got in the last year. (Val used to always do it with us.) When we both finish, we take turns reading them out loud to each other and sometimes we add to them. Then, we both make a list of the Miracles we are willing to have come to us in the coming year. Again, when we are done, we share those, taking turns. The last thing we do, is read last New Year's Eve list of what we were willing to have come our way this year...and we check them off. Usually it's a lot! :-)))))

[Pen]

What a wonderful, life-affirming, positive tradition. I love it!

[justanoldgrandma]

Yes, Trying, I'm glad it's over bc of sons not being here but we got out and it was pleasant although strange (Chinese restaurant, only one open, thus the tradition of eating Chinese on Christmas!)....... gotta do something when darkness falls, though; take a nighttime walk or get out and do something; or try to go to bed early; love the summer when it stays light till 9.....

I have to count blessings:  family that i did see earlier, a dh who sticks by me!, dh's family that lives a state away that accepted our phone calls!, ds who called 3 times from foo & wished he were w us despite the activity at his dw's foo!, a luncheon to attend later in the week, an exercise class later in the week to go to, and a neighborhood New Year's party!  And I complain! 

Luise, I love your Miracle listing; I'm afraid dh is too "practical" or whatever to do that; maybe I could get him to write something!  And if not, I'll do it myself!  I need to start earlier than New Year's, though..... and when I'm in a good mood!

[FAFE]

Yesterday was the first Christmas that my in-laws were not able to attend.  They are in Assisted Living and really need to be in memory care.  But the rest of my DH's family was here as were two of my three AC and one GD.  OS and his family get here today, so tomorrow will be another day of eating and opening gifts.  Both DS's will be here for the rest of the week.  MS is having fun taking pictures of people's eye balls.  Go figure! 

So, ours was not picture perfect with everyone here, but it is what it is.

My family, on the other hand, are all over the place as we have a sister who is in memory care and that has turned us all upside down.  This is the first year that we did not celebrate as a family and that breaks my heart.  Hopefully, things will turn around soon and we can get back to our "normal" carrying on.

I love the miracle list.  May try it out with my OC this week.

[tryingmybest]

We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook  how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.

[Ruth]

Luise, may I first of all say I love your post about lists and miracles, and may I also say thank you for the role you've played in releasing me from the vicious cycle of fixation and guilt that was driving my life.  Because of that, this was the first Christmas I can remember that was peaceful.  I was thankful to share it with one of my children and my two g/c.  I was happy to serve my MIL and see my FIL enjoying himself thoroughly at the table and around the gift tree.  I was content to let my MIL squirm with her own issues, and not feel it was my responsibility to fix it.  My DS was not here, and I gave it no more than a passing thought.  I no longer need a relationship with my DS in order to be all right.  I sent him my love but I did not send him my inner peace.  That is mine to keep and no one can take it away from me.  You taught me this, Luise, and also the other Christmas angels who post on the website.   I am glad this is a new day. 

[tryingmybest]

And I have to add I don't think either DIL is to blame. they both want to stay close to their families, and I can't blame them for that, it's as though the sons in order to solidify themselves in their new roll need to make us (me) unimportant in their lives. I know I'm not, but it's kind of like teenage rebellion focused right at my throat, the final break away I guess, it is so hard because my fully human reaction is fury and then they can say " Argh crazy woman, CUT OFF!"

[Shelby]

We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook  how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.

Trying - could you reply to that Facebook post - ever so sweetly, of course - that you trust they had fun with you and his FOO on Christmas Eve, too?

[tryingmybest]

tempted believe me. We live in the South so we were able to go to a Florida beach and do something, but it wasn't Christmas  and I was okay with that, until I had to read how DS enjoyed the day with his wife's family  , it just kind of rubbed salt in a wound I was trying to keep covered. I think if I get into a FB exchange with him, it will go right over his head, my DIL will pick up on it though. The smiling pictures of his "family day" yesterday were a little tough to take though.

[Doe]

( and I was okay with that, until I had to read how DS enjoyed the day with his wife's family  >

TMB, I know Facebook has had a great influence on how people relate to each other but I'm here to tell you that you don't have to read the entries from people who upset you.  If you don't want to unfriend them, you can hide the feed.

And you don't have to slave in the kitchen any more - ever -for the rest of your life.  You have my permission to give up any "shoulds" that are making you miserable and spend your extra time on things that entertain, charm and amuse you!

(And btw, while it didn't seem like Christmas at that FL beach, I can tell you that I was daydreaming about being at a beach as I was breaking up the ice on the north side of the house.)

[justanoldgrandma]

We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook  how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.

I could have written this post.  I am swearing not to look at FB except to go to my gmail account to see if anyone posted to me.  Not gonna look up dil's or her foo's accounts (I am friends but rarely post, just "like" sometimes);  it hurts a lot to see how much fun everyone had and all the pics of our gs w everyone but dh and me.  (We were alone as always except for each other, for which I thank God.)  It's just taken for granted that the ILs will have the holidays and no way to change it; written in stone..... so dh and I do our own thing (always thinking!)

We had a dinner a while ago to accommodate the IL's tradition and their friends' get-togethers but of course that isn't mentioned on FB; and I'm not one to put pics and posts on about our get-togethers (I find it rather bragging ((see how much fun we had)).)  This is not putting down anyone who does FB; it's just the way I feel, probably the poor me syndrome bc we aren't mentioned in dil's life (ds doesn't post at all; too busy at work and at home.)

But it shouldn't matter to me; I don't need to know what the ILs did; DH and I know we enjoyed what time we did have together, ds and gs know, and I just won't torture myself to see what others did.......

[luise.volta]

TMB - Regarding our Miracle lists…if we weren't able to be together…we went ahead and did it alone on New Year's Eve and then called each other on New Year's Day and read them over the phone. 

[JaneF]

Luise, I also like the miracle list!  I try to think about my "miracles" and blessings evry day, but some days it is harder as I get so busy with day to day issues.  I for one am glad in a way holidays are ver, but husband, grandaughter and I had a good time and kept busy.  Of course it was hurtful to my 12 year old grandaughter that NEITHER of her parents even bothered to call her on Christmas, nor did they attempt to see her.  Her paternal grandmother did, but she usually sees her 2 times a year...and we live less than 8 minutes from her!  Unreal.  My oldest son and his family did come for Christmas Day and we enjoyed visiting and gift exchange and a nice meal.  We played some Wii games too.  They were so kind and brought thoughtful gifts of sugar free candy for my diabetic hubby as well as thermal coffee mugs, and me regular chocolates and lovely wall sconces, and a nice set of lovely lotions for grandaughter.  My middle son who doesn't want to contact us at all does contact my oldest son once in a while.  That is okay with me, but oldest son can't understand his brothers behavior but feels it has SOME to do with his wife and her FOO.  I say he can make his own choices if he wants, although she makes his life difficult if he does do what she doesn't like.  lol  Whatever.  I did hear have my ex husbands sister, her grandson and fiance up for day after Christmas gift exchange and visit.  She said my middle son DID go to my ex husbands home for the holidays.  Yeah, the same ex that used to have our son go sell crack cocaine or provide him with his crack when he was an addict!  Thankfully he got clean and got a college degree thanks to us tax payers of course...but it kind of feels hurtful that old dad rates better than me, mom who picked up the pieces when daddy let them down so many times.  Go figure.  I may be jealous too because he got to see grandaughters I have not seen in a year and a half!  I was the one helping ex hubby's sister take care of their dying mom almost 3 years ago too because he "was too busy" with school study groups...but again he rates better than me.  I guess I need to shake myself and stop the pity party today.  I guess seeing grandaughter hurt by her parents, and sadness at being tossed aside like trash by middle son got to me there for a bit.  I am very lucky though to have a wonderful, kind, and understanding husband who is supportive, and we have this grandaughter who is happy and healthy and secure with us.  I am watching her dance with a game on the Wii right now, and I can't help but smile to myself.  Such a good girl.  This was the very first year my youngest child was not around for Thanksgiving and Christmas too, so that was hard.  (my grandaughters mother).  So that means also first time not seeing two grandsons too on those holidays.  I'll get over it, but I just hope they had at least one gift for Christmas this year.  With the situation like it is with daughter and new husbands drug problems and his arrest recently and their evictions from house they rented...who knows?  I have gifts here for them, but of course they did not get them.  They are 3 hours away.  Hey, I guess I have a bit of a right to feel a bit sad don't I?  lol  Okay, I got that off my chest.  Now I will get back to positive thoughts and my normal life!  No more time to waste dwelling on things I can not change.  I feel better now.  Thanks for "listening".  Hope you all have many miracles come your way in the new year.  I think Luise has a brilliant idea or tradition there!  I may try that too if I may Luise! 

[luise.volta]

  That's why I posted it!