Interesting Comment from a High School Friend

[2chickiebaby]

She said to our group of friends:  "My sister has been deprived of seeing her only GS since last year for the silliest
reason you can imagine!  There is something
wrong with these girls of today."

An understatement if I ever heard of one.

[Postscript]

I think Chickie there is a lot left unsaid like why.  As they say one person's garbage is another person's treasure.  Just because your friend and her sister think the reason is silly, doesn't mean that they are right.  Perhaps the "silly" reason is just the straw that broke the camels back?  We don't know and can't really judge because all we are told is that the reason is silly.  We don't know the history at all.  There are three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth.

[2chickiebaby]

I think Chickie there is a lot left unsaid like why.  As they say one person's garbage is another person's treasure.  Just because your friend and her sister think the reason is silly, doesn't mean that they are right.  Perhaps the "silly" reason is just the straw that broke the camels back?  We don't know and can't really judge because all we are told is that the reason is silly.  We don't know the history at all.  There are three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth.

You're probably right, Postscript.  I just got home from group therapy...really interesting.  I think the thing with my friend's
sister is that prior to the looking funny thing, all had been well according to her.  That's according to her.  But since they
have not been married that long, it seems like there would have been other signs.  She was shocked.

[Postscript]

As I always say I can only speak for my own situation with my mother in law.  I do know that it took a lot for me to say that is enough I won't be treated this way any more.  Before that I just sucked it up and pretended it wasn't happening or that I hadn't heard the belittling remarks and snide comments. 

Sometime after my second child, when she was perhaps 2 years old, I just stopped dealing with her anymore.  I didn't make any announcements, ask my husband to speak to her or anything, I just stopped going over, stopped inviting her over and just stopped dealing with her at all.  If my husband had her over, I was generally not home.  Suffice to say she noticed, but she's never made any attempt to find out why.  That tells me she doesn't care enough to bother with me.  Why would she? She can see my husband and children (not so much children any more though) without the impediment of having me there, only it doesn't quite work that way.

My husband doesn't visit, he's free to do what he wants but he doesn't go there.  We rarely discuss her.  Recently she had a fairly major surgery, I didn't know until weeks later.  My husband was phoned  and told by his father, he was told to also let his brother know.  Well he didn't because he says he is nobodies messenger boy.  He also didn't visit her at hospital.  I don't know why? I visit my ill relations, I don't drag my husband with me.  Perhaps that is why he didn't tell me about the operation? Perhaps he didn't want to have me suggest he visit her? I don't know.  I do know that before I gave up, she got a lot more time with my husband and my kids.  Apparently that doesn't matter either though, because she makes no effort to fix the relationship.  Nor any of the others in her family.

[2chickiebaby]

As I always say I can only speak for my own situation with my mother in law.  I do know that it took a lot for me to say that is enough I won't be treated this way any more.  Before that I just sucked it up and pretended it wasn't happening or that I hadn't heard the belittling remarks and snide comments. 

Sometime after my second child, when she was perhaps 2 years old, I just stopped dealing with her anymore.  I didn't make any announcements, ask my husband to speak to her or anything, I just stopped going over, stopped inviting her over and just stopped dealing with her at all.  If my husband had her over, I was generally not home.  Suffice to say she noticed, but she's never made any attempt to find out why.  That tells me she doesn't care enough to bother with me.  Why would she? She can see my husband and children (not so much children any more though) without the impediment of having me there, only it doesn't quite work that way.

My husband doesn't visit, he's free to do what he wants but he doesn't go there.  We rarely discuss her.  Recently she had a fairly major surgery, I didn't know until weeks later.  My husband was phoned  and told by his father, he was told to also let his brother know.  Well he didn't because he says he is nobodies messenger boy.  He also didn't visit her at hospital.  I don't know why? I visit my ill relations, I don't drag my husband with me.  Perhaps that is why he didn't tell me about the operation? Perhaps he didn't want to have me suggest he visit her? I don't know.  I do know that before I gave up, she got a lot more time with my husband and my kids.  Apparently that doesn't matter either though, because she makes no effort to fix the relationship.  Nor any of the others in her family.

So you feel that she doesn't care about you?  Do all of you want your MILs to like you?  I don't understand.  Do you?  It seems
like you don't but I get the feeling that if she took interest, you would like her?

[clover]

I know for me, I'd like my MIL to like me.  I'd like her to not blame me for things her son does.  I'd prefer she not assume the worst about me.  Conversely, I'm not looking to be her long lost best friend and spend every weekend with her and call her every day.  I don't have time for that.  I'm just looking for a nice, pleasant relationship.  Isn't there something in between despised pariah and bestest bud?

[2chickiebaby]

I know for me, I'd like my MIL to like me.  I'd like her to not blame me for things her son does.  I'd prefer she not assume the worst about me.  Conversely, I'm not looking to be her long lost best friend and spend every weekend with her and call her every day.  I don't have time for that.  I'm just looking for a nice, pleasant relationship.  Isn't there something in between despised pariah and bestest bud?

I'm glad to hear that you might like a relationship with his mother.  I think that gives me hope.  I don't know if there
is an in between or not but please know that we are mothers and our job stops suddenly at the water's edge.   It's not
fair or right.  We're expected to drop all sense of Motherhood, something we're instinctively given when our son's marry.
Not so for her Mother. 

One of the group therapy people said, "I have one son and we are very close".  Of course, I had to give her the good
news!!!  You know me, always around to lend a hand.....I told her, "get ready, when he gets married, you're out"

"well, that won't happen, she said.  I will treat his wife like gold"

"it won't do any good", I told her. 

[Postscript]

To answer your question Chickie, I know she doesn't like me and she has always acted as though I set out to trap my husband.  I'm not good enough for him in her estimation.  Because she doesn't like me, I must have tricked him into marriage and I am holding him against his will.  In her view, I prevent him visiting, I keep the children from her.  I just gave her what she wanted, a life without me in it and it's somehow my fault that it didn't work out the way she thought it would.

When I married my husband, I was perfectly happy to join an "intact" family.  What I discovered was that that intact family was/is far more dysfunctional than my cobbled together step family had ever been.

I do wish she would make some effort.  I tried and tried for years, it was never reciprocated.  I'd like to think she cares about my kids too, but clearly she can't.  When she does see them, it's all show and no substance.  When I was still involved with her, she made it clear what she wanted was for me to back off and let her play Mommy.  I didn't want to do that.  I liked being Mommy and well she had her turn with her kids, completely undisturbed as it happens because they were military and never based around home until my husband who is the youngest was 11.  Everything I did was either stupid or wrong, from backsleeping through to making my own food.  My father in law even put down what he called my "little job" taking care of my friends children during the holidays and after school that paid for extras while I was on unpaid maternity leave.

Of course I want her to like me, I tried for years to make her like me to the point I was compromising my own self worth.  I'm hurt that when I stopped trying, she never tried to find out why and what we could do together to make it work.  I'm hurt that I was so easy to let go. 

[cocobars]

I'm sorry Postscript.  I think if the feelings aren't genuine then intuition kicks in whether through the MIL or the DIL.  I hope she gets it someday and you can see how much she cares.  She may just not know what she is doing.  There are alot of women my age who were raised in the "respect your elders" era where mothers and MIL's ran the show and we had to take whatever happened - out of respect.  I still believe in respecting my elders, but not to the extent that I will accept someone who wants to belittle or bully.  Respect is a two way street, and nobody should think they have the right to tear someone else down to make themselves feel bigger.  If nothing else, I believe you have been shown "what not to do" and are deciding to be a genuine human being. 

Pat your back!  Sending you hugs!!

[cocobars]

guest1, I'm sorry I pointed that out to Postscript.  I was using that as an example of the different ways we all think, according to the different generations and time periods we were all raised in.  I don't want you to feel that this is a DIL site.  It started as a MIL site, but we grew into a "wise women" of all ages site.  Anytime you read something you disagree with, we invite your take or view of the conversations.  After all, this is your site too and your opinion counts.  It does to me!

I for one was raised in the "respect your elders" generation.  Because of things that happened to me and many years of counselling, I grew into the views I have now and wouldn't think of pushing them on someone who didn't want to hear them.  By the way, I get upset at people who don't respect elderly people.  My parents are, and I get livid going out into public with them and seeing the way they are treated.  What I believe (and maybe I misstated myself here) is that respect is truly a two way street.  I have a problem respecting people who walk all ove my elderly father and try to take advantage of him.  I have no respect in return for them.  By the same token my father has (because of his age and the time period he was raised in) said some things in public using the "n" word.  He's not going to have anyone else's respect around him for doing that, and I've had to talk to him about that word and those views.

I hope you stay and add your opinions and views to ours here.  We are a very diverse group of women, but we are still here and together and are happy to support you and understand what you believe as well...

[cocobars]

And my comment was not directed at anyone here, especially not you!  It was just my view and not something everyone will agree with.

I'm sorry.

[Pen]

Guest1, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's happening in my family too, and it's devastating. Our DIL criticises us for every little thing - she's quite young and I do feel that she should give me some credit for my life experience! She doesn't need to agree with everything I say or do, but her lack of respect for me as a human, let alone as an elder, is very hurtful. I'm not after blind obedience, just common courtesy.

Please stay - you are supported here.

[2chickiebaby]

I don't think I'll be coming here for support anymore as I can see I don't fit in. I was raised in the "respect your elders era" and you're right I don't know what I'm doing because I have never had to deal with anything like what our DIL has put us through. We are a decent family who always got along. I've never been abused verbally or otherwise and I'm not a bully, this whole dil thing just took me by surprise, one day I had a son and the next he was gone. No one could have prepared me for what was to come, never saw it in my family. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers but I am also a very religious person and I can pray for myself.

Please don't leave, Guest!  You are needed here.  You will get support here.  I understand exactly what is going on and
it is heartbreaking.  Please, please do not leave. 

[2chickiebaby]

guest1, I'm sorry I pointed that out to Postscript.  I was using that as an example of the different ways we all think, according to the different generations and time periods we were all raised in.  I don't want you to feel that this is a DIL site.  It started as a MIL site, but we grew into a "wise women" of all ages site.  Anytime you read something you disagree with, we invite your take or view of the conversations.  After all, this is your site too and your opinion counts.  It does to me!

I for one was raised in the "respect your elders" generation.  Because of things that happened to me and many years of counselling, I grew into the views I have now and wouldn't think of pushing them on someone who didn't want to hear them.  By the way, I get upset at people who don't respect elderly people.  My parents are, and I get livid going out into public with them and seeing the way they are treated.  What I believe (and maybe I misstated myself here) is that respect is truly a two way street.  I have a problem respecting people who walk all ove my elderly father and try to take advantage of him.  I have no respect in return for them.  By the same token my father has (because of his age and the time period he was raised in) said some things in public using the "n" word.  He's not going to have anyone else's respect around him for doing that, and I've had to talk to him about that word and those views.

I hope you stay and add your opinions and views to ours here.  We are a very diverse group of women, but we are still here and together and are happy to support you and understand what you believe as well...

I certainly hope Guest does stay, Coco.  This is as much her site as it is anyone's.  Thank you for affirming her right to do that.

[Pen]

Coco, you're amazing...so calm, loving, supportive and fair. I love your insight and guidance. Thank you for helping me see things differently. These can be such emotionally-charged posts; it's easy to get caught up in our own views.