I don't understand...maybe some DILs can help me

[2chickiebaby]

When we, as parents are asking our kids... "can you come to a function?" ...

What is the deal about it being a guilt trip if we say, "please come"?  We are apparently guilting them into coming. Why is it referred to as a Craptacular? and why
are we guilting them into coming just by asking? 

You can tell, I'm struggling with trying to understand what is so wrong about asking our kids who are married
to come to an event with us there.  These are usually sons who are married...hardly ever daughters but if someone
could help me understand, I'd appreciate it.

I haven't received my Boundaries book so I'm not versed in understanding the rules yet.  My Lord!  Asking the grown
kids to come to an event with us there?  Why does the Craptacular have to be such a struggle?  I want to get to where
I don't care anymore....that means I won't love our sons anymore.  It's hard as you can imagine. 

[Scoop]

Well, I think the problem is not so much in the asking, it's if there's any fallout when the answer is "no".  The people who refer to these events as craptaculars are dealing with MIL's who don't take 'no' for an answer.   They continue asking and harping on it.  They cry and wail and gnash their teeth (or they have in the past) until the son caves and passes the guilt on to the DIL to go to the event.

Sometimes it's a question of these invites coming too often.

Sometimes the DIL's are treated poorly by the IL's and the extended family, or have been in the past and thus have negative associations with these events.

More often than not, I would guess that whatever event is just NOT the DIL's cup of tea, maybe her family was smaller and had less rambunctious parties, maybe her family was bigger and she's used to MORE rambunctious parties.

[2chickiebaby]

Well, I think the problem is not so much in the asking, it's if there's any fallout when the answer is "no".  The people who refer to these events as craptaculars are dealing with MIL's who don't take 'no' for an answer.   They continue asking and harping on it.  They cry and wail and gnash their teeth (or they have in the past) until the son caves and passes the guilt on to the DIL to go to the event.

Sometimes it's a question of these invites coming too often.

Sometimes the DIL's are treated poorly by the IL's and the extended family, or have been in the past and thus have negative associations with these events.

More often than not, I would guess that whatever event is just NOT the DIL's cup of tea, maybe her family was smaller and had less rambunctious parties, maybe her family was bigger and she's used to MORE rambunctious parties.

That's understandable....but on the other hand, if we don't keep the kids or keep the dogs when they need it, we're given
the cold shoulder for a period of time.  Then, the calling and "how are you's"? and boom! the motive pops up.  "can you keep
the dogs while we go to ....wherever?"

The asking for a craptacular, though by us is really too much and is our way of guilting them into coming.  I will never get
it.  Thank you, Scoop for helping me.

[Scoop]

Chickie - I think you of all people would have sympathy for the DIL's on the other sites, because you're dealing with the same kind of dysfunctional, rotten, type of people in your DIL's.  They have different titles (MILs vs DILs), but they use the same rotten tactics.

It's absolutely rotten that your son & DIL only talk to you when they need something.

It's funny that you should mention the dog-sitting.  My Bro and SIL always ask my Mom to watch their dog over March break, SIL has family here in town and apparently a HUGE amount of friends, but my Mom comes from 5 hours away to watch their dog.  (To be fair, she comes and spends the week with my DD, so she doesn't have to go to daycare.)  My Mom doesn't particularly care to take care of the dog or to be responsible for their house, but she does, because then she gets a visit with my bro & the DN's at the beginning of the trip AND at the end of the trip.

Maybe Chickie you could take some of the power back in your relationship with your DS, say "Sure!  I would LOVE to take the dog!  Hey, when you drop her off, wil you stay for supper?"  Or " ... and you can come for supper the day you get back, that way you won't have to cook and I would LOVE to hear about your trip!"

[2chickiebaby]

Chickie - I think you of all people would have sympathy for the DIL's on the other sites, because you're dealing with the same kind of dysfunctional, rotten, type of people in your DIL's.  They have different titles (MILs vs DILs), but they use the same rotten tactics.

It's absolutely rotten that your son & DIL only talk to you when they need something.

It's funny that you should mention the dog-sitting.  My Bro and SIL always ask my Mom to watch their dog over March break, SIL has family here in town and apparently a HUGE amount of friends, but my Mom comes from 5 hours away to watch their dog.  (To be fair, she comes and spends the week with my DD, so she doesn't have to go to daycare.)  My Mom doesn't particularly care to take care of the dog or to be responsible for their house, but she does, because then she gets a visit with my bro & the DN's at the beginning of the trip AND at the end of the trip.

Maybe Chickie you could take some of the power back in your relationship with your DS, say "Sure!  I would LOVE to take the dog!  Hey, when you drop her off, wil you stay for supper?"  Or " ... and you can come for supper the day you get back, that way you won't have to cook and I would LOVE to hear about your trip!"

Scoop, maybe I should have sympathy for the DILs on the other site.  I just don't understand some of them with their
way of talking.  "she babysits all week and then the hag wants my DH to show her how to work her DVD", stuff like that.

My husband wants me to stop obsessing over this lost family and cut them off.  He is so tired of it all.  I am hoping to get
there and do that but it will be hard.

[Hope]

Chickie,
I know that there are great dil's out there, but the person who wrote the quote on the dil site which you just posted has a BIG problem.  That is just not normal - she sounds very spoiled and mean spirited.  I feel sorry for her mil, her dh, and anyone who has to deal with her.  I have no doubt that she is the type person that everyone is intimidated by.  You know, they act like they like her to protect themselves.  Do you think she has any "real" friends?  I just don't understand people like that.  Her mil probably doesn't even know she talks about her that badly.  That actually made my stomach hurt. 

I know it's hard to do (and who knows who could really do it unless they were actually in your shoes), but I think your dh has a point.  If you just go on with your lives, show respect for yourselves, and make the best of what you have, you may find the happiness you had before your dc.  It gives me so much comfort to know that you have a dh that cares about you. 

Life just isn't fair some times, but I don't know what to say to make you feel better.  I have love for you, though, and want you to be happy.  Sending hugs.......Hope

[2chickiebaby]

Chickie,
I know that there are great dil's out there, but the person who wrote the quote on the dil site which you just posted has a BIG problem.  That is just not normal - she sounds very spoiled and mean spirited.  I feel sorry for her mil, her dh, and anyone who has to deal with her.  I have no doubt that she is the type person that everyone is intimidated by.  You know, they act like they like her to protect themselves.  Do you think she has any "real" friends?  I just don't understand people like that.  Her mil probably doesn't even know she talks about her that badly.  That actually made my stomach hurt. 

I know it's hard to do (and who knows who could really do it unless they were actually in your shoes), but I think your dh has a point.  If you just go on with your lives, show respect for yourselves, and make the best of what you have, you may find the happiness you had before your dc.  It gives me so much comfort to know that you have a dh that cares about you. 

Life just isn't fair some times, but I don't know what to say to make you feel better.  I have love for you, though, and want you to be happy.  Sending hugs.......Hope

Thank you, Hope...I've been dealt a huge defeat and sadness from such controlling people in my life that I know he's right.
You know how hard that is, they are are kids, our babies, now grown up.  I can't think of a harder thing to do than this.
I know in my heart he's right.....keep me in your prayers.  I can't fight this impossible fight anymore. I've never met such
self-centered people.  They certainly have their boundaries.  I just wanted a family, that's all.

My husband says the cost is too high...like some work of art that we can't afford to buy.  It's like something priceless you are
carrying in your arms and you dropped it over a cliff.  That's how it feels.

[Hope]

Chickie,
Ohhhhhhhh, how I hurt for you.  I know you love your ds and gc so much that you would pay ANY price to have them in your life in a healthy relationship.  But the truth is, there is no price you can pay b/c you have no control over what other people do.  You could offer your very life to have a good relationship, but if they don't want it, your life would be given in vain. 
If you just can't bring yourself to cut them out of your life, I have a story to offer:
My sister and her husband had problems with their dil and ds for a couple years and it caused them terrible suffering.  They wrote emails and a letter to them, but it didn't help b/c they were writing it from their own perspective.  After much defeat and despair, my bil wrote them a letter asking their forgiveness - saying that he had failed as a father, etc.  (My sister and bil are fabulous parents and always went the extra mile for their children.  They would do ANYTHING for them.)  Do you know his dil called him to say that they received his letter and she was NICE to him.  It was a turning point in their relationship.  No, they will never rank up there with dil's parents, but at least they are in their lives.  Last night I used that tactic with my son.  I had a rare opportunity to speak to him one-on-one and I told him that I felt like a failure as a mil - that no matter how hard I try, I manage to mess things up.  Do you know that he actually said, "Mom, you are doing fine".  I told him, "No, I think everything through before I say it, but I still mess things all up.  I feel like such a failure."  We talked for about 20 minutes and he - hold onto your seat - told me he loved me before we hung up......before I had a chance to tell him I loved him.  Maybe there really is something to asking for forgiveness even if you have done nothing wrong in your eyes.  That's the approach Creme used, too, and it worked for her.  I know it might seem absolutely crazy since they have offended us so, and we have given and given but if it's possible to offer that up and it is accepted by them, it could be a good new beginning.  Have you already gone down this avenue?
Love you to pieces, Hope

[2chickiebaby]

Chickie,
Ohhhhhhhh, how I hurt for you.  I know you love your ds and gc so much that you would pay ANY price to have them in your life in a healthy relationship.  But the truth is, there is no price you can pay b/c you have no control over what other people do.  You could offer your very life to have a good relationship, but if they don't want it, your life would be given in vain. 
If you just can't bring yourself to cut them out of your life, I have a story to offer:
My sister and her husband had problems with their dil and ds for a couple years and it caused them terrible suffering.  They wrote emails and a letter to them, but it didn't help b/c they were writing it from their own perspective.  After much defeat and despair, my bil wrote them a letter asking their forgiveness - saying that he had failed as a father, etc.  (My sister and bil are fabulous parents and always went the extra mile for their children.  They would do ANYTHING for them.)  Do you know his dil called him to say that they received his letter and she was NICE to him.  It was a turning point in their relationship.  No, they will never rank up there with dil's parents, but at least they are in their lives.  Last night I used that tactic with my son.  I had a rare opportunity to speak to him one-on-one and I told him that I felt like a failure as a mil - that no matter how hard I try, I manage to mess things up.  Do you know that he actually said, "Mom, you are doing fine".  I told him, "No, I think everything through before I say it, but I still mess things all up.  I feel like such a failure."  We talked for about 20 minutes and he - hold onto your seat - told me he loved me before we hung up......before I had a chance to tell him I loved him.  Maybe there really is something to asking for forgiveness even if you have done nothing wrong in your eyes.  That's the approach Creme used, too, and it worked for her.  I know it might seem absolutely crazy since they have offended us so, and we have given and given but if it's possible to offer that up and it is accepted by them, it could be a good new beginning.  Have you already gone down this avenue?
Love you to pieces, Hope

I sure would do that, Hope....I have worked myself to death for them. She had some deaths in her family over about 4 years
I did everything for them....literally.  I have honestly been a slave to them.  That's been part of the problem...I've been
her slave.  It's taking a toll on me physically now and I no longer can.  Really, the GC are getting older and they don't
need the slave as much anymore.  So, I would apologize but I swear, there isn't anything to apologize about.

[cocobars]

Hope, that's a wonderful story and such a good idea too.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe your BIL was apologising for being a bad parent, because he felt the children didn't respect him.  Is that right?

Presenting something like that makes people think.  It puts them in a place where they are responsible for your feelings.  Some people would think that is manipulative, but others (like me) would think it is a very true statement.  When children do the things some of the grown children here do, it DOES make the parents feel like they did their jobs wrong.

Is this what you were saying?

[2chickiebaby]

Hope, that's a wonderful story and such a good idea too.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe your BIL was apologising for being a bad parent, because he felt the children didn't respect him.  Is that right?

Presenting something like that makes people think.  It puts them in a place where they are responsible for your feelings.  Some people would think that is manipulative, but others (like me) would think it is a very true statement.  When children do the things some of the grown children here do, it DOES make the parents feel like they did their jobs wrong.

Is this what you were saying?

Coco,
That's a beautiful way to put it....when you are apologizing for being a bad parent when your kids don't treat you right.
I wish you would "ping" me.  How did you get your magical powers?  What is a "ping"?

[Hope]

Chickie and Coco,
The tactic my bil used was showing his vulnerability to his ds/dil, and that's what I thought Creme did in her letter to dil and I tried to do in my phone conversation with my ds.  My bil's letter was very heartfelt - he is such a great person.  He was feeling that he failed as a parent b/c he didn't understand how his ds could have thrown them away like used toilet paper (he didn't state it that way).  He meant what he wrote in his letter and I meant what I said to ds when I spoke to him on the phone the other night.  I really do feel like a failure as a mil.  I didn't do any thing to intentionally hurt my dil, but we are coming from two totally different perspectives and in her eyes I did something wrong, I'm sure.  Some times I just don't say things right.  I did talk about my x-son-in-law to her (out of concern).  I say things sometimes from my heart that I shouldn't.  So I do feel like I failed, even if I didn't mean to.   I only wish I knew what else I did wrong so I can work on it.  In order to start fresh on my relationship, I was hoping that taking the stance 'that I could have done something inadvertently to cause hurt' might open the door for a fresh start.  I hope I didn't give anyone the idea that I think manipulation is the answer - I didn't mean it that way at all.  I wanted to share with Chickie what others found successful in hopes that it would help her, but it sounds like in her situation it probably wouldn't work any way.  Sorry, C/B, I wish there was something you could do b/c I know you feel like part of you is dying.  Hugging you, Hope

[cocobars]

Hope, that's not how I took that at all.  The manipulation is something that I thought some others may see, and I very well may be wrong about that.  I don't understand the DIL's I've heard about here and really believed that's how they may see something like that.  I know it's a negative view, but I guess from hearing all these stories from women on this site, I have gotten a negative view of the DIL's who are like this, and I know this is not the way most DIL's think. 

I did think he was speaking from his heart and I believe you have worded it in a much better way than I did.  Sometimes speaking from your heart is the best thing you can do when you have these things happen in your family. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to direct that at being a manipulative thing in general.  I think it was a beautiful story and was trying to say that, even though maybe my words weren't quite right. 

Thank you for telling us about it.  I do believe this is a good idea and may help someone...

[cocobars]

Oh Chickie, you need a ping?  Ok!  Are you ready?  Here is comes...

Hold onto your hat!

PINGITY           PING                PINGGGGGG!!!!!
You thought I missed that didn't you!  I hope you feel them...

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you, Coco....I feel dizzy now.      You are a great pinger.

Everytime an Angel get its wings,  Heaven's harps go, "PING!!"
 

I must have gotten my wings today.  This is good; I have always wanted to fly....has anyone ever had a flying dream??  Where you Where you could actually fly?  It is wonderful!!

You can fly around, undetected.....  It's so freeing.  I wish I could fly.