Needing words of wisdom

[Gidget]

Christmas has always been so hard for me, my dad passed away from a sudden heart attack when I was a teenager on Christmas Eve and sometimes I believe I never really got over the shock.  My mom who I was really closed to has been lying in a bed striken with Alzheimer's disease for a couple of years.  Now since 2004 my DD is estranged from us following some crazy accusations she made towards my husband after seeing a therapist for an eating disorder.  I managed to get thru the Holidays as best as I could but this year I just dont know how to cope with it all.  I found out that my DD had a baby last October, I didn't even know she was pregnant!  It really threw me off.  I was numb with pain for a couple of weeks and now just knowing that out there is a little baby that I might never hold in my arms is driving me crazy.  I talked about it in another topic where Luise convinced me to use the "Right Now" method and it did work for a while but not anymore.  Even if I keep repeating to myself that right now is good, two seconds later its gone, I still feel like crying and the "Right Now" is a mess.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up on January 3rd when its time to go back to work and all this Holidays stuff is behind me because I know once this time of the year is done I still will be thinking about the baby but it wont be as bad. 

Any ideas out there on how to get thru this the easiest way possible ?

[colleen01]

I just read your post and I wish I had some advise. That's alot of loss all at once, and not to have known your daughter was pregnant. I knew my dd was pregnant, she had the baby (2 months ago), we were treated like you know what at hospital, and his family(her husbands) were front and center holding her hand and on and on!  It was sickening.. Anyway, we did see the baby 3 times, then she changed moods(that's the only way I can describe it), and started witholding the baby. Now, we messed it all up with a showdown and are told we will "never" see her. So, I don't know what's worse, not to know, hold them once,twice, never, or a little bit, then they're taken away. I don't know anything anymore and I'm gettin so paranoid I'm starting to think there's no way this many women have these problems and maybe it's just one or two women posting with different names to make us feel better!  How crazy is that???  reading lots of books on dysfunctional families, toxic relationships and the like, along with good chocolate or wine under the covers works for me for a while.  Sorry for your pain.

[Sassy]

I have no words of wisdom tonight, but I do have some hugs.

(((((((((gidget))))))))))

[luise.volta]

G. - Right now it sucks! I get it. I did read a quote today that supports my "right now" thing, though:

"Talking, thinking, focusing on what feels bad to you will never eliminate it, but instead invites more of it into your experience."

That said, we can't sweep stuff under the rug, either. I lost my little dog and my grief is as raw as it was in April. I live alone. He was my companion, my protector, (he thought), my best friend and my confidant. He never judged me and he never let me down. I'm too old (85) to have much going in my family any longer. They are far away and semi-retired. My husband is in a nursing home and at age 100, pretty unaware. I'm saying that because I want you to know that sometimes I can't take my own advice. None of us can…not always.

Let the love in that is palpable on this site. Read what others are up against and give them some comfort if you can. Hang in there and know that you will laugh again (and so will I.)

[Keys Girl]

Luise, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dog and Gidget, here's a hug for you too.

(())

KG

[JudyJudyJudy]

Gidget,

I listened to a friend complain tonight because her mother wanting nothing to do with the grandchildren....then there are these adult children who do not want to share their children with the grandmothers.  I did not get along well with my mother because she was abusive but I never let that interfere with her seeing my daughter.  It never even occurred to me....so all I can say is that unless grandmothers are abusing the children, it is in everyone's best interest to let them have a relationship with the grandchildren.  But, then again, I never wanted to hurt my mother either! 

Hope you feel better soon...it's been 4 months since I held my grandson and so far the memories just bring me pain.  Hopefully, one day the memories will fill me with joy!

[dvg]

Gidget, I am so sorry.  Wish I had some words of wisdom and consolation, but all I can say is that we are here and we care.  This is such a difficult time of year for so many of us, because we're surrounded with these images of happy, functional families, and the reality is that for many of us, family is the greatest source of pain and heartbreak.  I miss my father too, and the happy Christmases we used to have.

It helps to keep telling myself what Luise says, that you were a person before you had kids, and you will be again.

Colleen, I think there are more of us than we realize.  Hardly anyone talks about family problems.

Luise, I'm so sorry about your dog.  My dog is my friend and companion, and many tears have fallen on her soft fur.  She's getting old, and I'll miss her so much when the time comes.

[themuffin]

I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly.  I don't have any words of wisdom. I recently found out that my son is going to be a father.  How?  Well, I was invited over to see their new apartment while FDIL was not home. On the counter was a sonogram in a frame.  At the time I knew that FDIL's mother was suppose to be expecting so I just sorta asked if this was FDIL or FDIL's mother. Son said it was FDIL.  This was how I learned I was going to be a grandma.  No joyous announcement. I was as if I had asked if the coffee was caffeinated or decaf. 

Knowing how things are between me, DS and FDIL I simply could not allow myself to get excited.  I immediately began preparing myself to have no relationship with this child.  I imagined that I would see it in passing as we live very close, or that now and then I would get a picture.  But that would be as good as it gets.  Yep, the thought saddened me a little, but I am learning to accept the things I cannot change.  DS has recently stated that he wants his son to know his family and FDIL will have to accept that.  That's' fine and dandy and I've allowed my heart to open somewhat to the idea that I'm going to have a GC. 

But still....with these AC you never know.  They seem to have a cruel streak in them and they use the GC as pawns in a game of emotion.  Say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, don't give into their demands, and BAM!...they don't allow you to see the GC. I have been told that I will NEVER see my GC by both of them.  Why, because they thought that would be the best way to hurt me. 

I simply refuse to give them that power.  This may sound cruel to some, but it is my way of thinking, it is how I feel.  But you know what?  As much as I think I would enjoy being a grandmother, if I'm not allowed it won't be the end of my world.  I make sure to have many other positive things going on in my life.  I have a cocker spaniel that brings me joy each and every day.  I have family, and friends and work and more hobbies than I can keep up with.  I like me. NO. I LOVE me.  I know I am a good person.  My DS and FDIL have issues.  And I'm sorry to say I'm not very fond of either of them.  If he weren't my son he wouldn't be in my life at all.  He used to be the beat of my heart.  Not anymore.  If I can survive not having a relationship with him, my very own son who grew beneath my heart, I can survive not having a relationship with the GC if that happens.

As bad as things are they could always be worst.  My son and I are not very close, but he's not dead.  He seems to be happy and he's living his life and he's going to be a father and all seems right in his world.  And in June he's going to be blessed with a son and I pray that he is healthy.  I am sure that they will try their best to love him and make him Happy.  I can live with that.  If I get the urge for something small and cuddly I'll get a puppy.

Okay....everyone prepare to gasp.....

Besides. babies are overrated.  I've had three.  I enjoyed it for a time.  But they grew up and kicked me in the rear and I always think to myself...."If I knew then what I know now.....I would have had three dogs instead!"  JMHO  Please no one be offended.  Oh, and of course I love them.

Gidget, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it could be worst.  Least we know are children are alive and well. Their are some mothers who have buried their children. To me that is worst.  I'm fine with him and I not being close as long as he's alive and well.

[pam1]

Gidget, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and what is going on in your family.  How terrifically hard for you. 

Maybe just try to focus somewhere else for one day, pick Xmas.  Plan the day out so there is no room for reflection.  Are there fancy resorts near you?  Maybe go spend Xmas and get pampered!

[Doe]

"Any ideas out there on how to get thru this the easiest way possible ?"

Gidget,

I don't think there is any easy way.  I think it's a matter of retraining yourself.  The advice that Luise gave wasn't a magic pill but more of an exercise to do to retrain where you put your attention.  Think of it - if you are sad you can chose to watch only dreary sad movies or you can chose a comedy every now and then to take your mind off your misery.

For me, I liken my misery to a ton of blubbery fat on my body.  I don't like it, don't want it and it's doing me no good.  But no one is going to make it go away but me.  I have to get up and go for a walk even the snow is knee deep and stop going back for the cookies.  If I only go for one walk and keep eating the cookies, I can't say I really did it and it didn't work .  Plus, I'm still fat.

A lot of us are learning how to phase out of being Moms and are here to encourage each other.  You can do it, Gidget, but the secret is you have to do it.

[themuffin]

Oh Dang, I forgot....this was about Christmas.

I remember having all these grand ideas about how christmas would be when the boys grew up.  I thought it would be like the commericials, you know the ones where they are selling coffee. Anyhoo, nothing at all like that!!! 
We have dinner, hubby and I exchange small gifts, share a little wine and watch xmas movies.  It's really not so bad.  I like for things to look festive and smell nice.  I have many nice things I've acquired over the years and I admire them.  And somehow I remember to be grateful for the many good things in my life.  Like my hubby, and other beloved family members, our furbabies, my health, my home....

Do something for yourself, Gidget.  Refuse to be unhappy on Christmas or any day!

[pam1]

Actually, I just got an idea.....watch out people!

Gidget, do you like dogs?  Or cats?

[Ruth]

Coleen I almost chuckled in a sad kind of way, when you said it was maybe one or two women just writing and changing stories....this is what proves to me that we are all different and special and endearing on this site, so many different ways of communicating and expressing ourselves, I love this.

Gidget, like everyone else here we just hug you in our hearts and commiserate with you.  My word to you is to realize and remind yourself that this is only today, and the world turns precious one.  What is today is not what will be tomorrow.  We have to fasten our seatbelt and stay with it for the long haul.  There is not comfort to offer to someone who finds our they are a grandparent in the way you did.  Many women here have stories too strange for fiction, they are methods of hurting and revenge and thoughtlessness that seem inconceivable to me, but it is happening.  I'm not sure if this parent/child hatefulness is the product of this generation, or we are only communicating more about it now.  Either way, you don't have to look far to find a parent who's treated like garbage by an adult child.

Gidget I would like to suggest that you consider getting a dog.  (Oh Luise I am sorry more than I can say!)  I got my little T about five years ago, a rescue dog, and he's been the most healing thing on this earth for me.  He's a very babyish dog and requires a lot of care and maintenance.  His gentleness and affection have changed my life   This summer he got a brother!   And that guy is the opposite!  He is a big lump who gallops through life and just can't have a bad moment to save his life!  They brought laughter into my mourning home.  I'm so thankful for them. 

Please find comfort in the sisters here who reach out to you this Christmas Gidget.  Christ came into a suffering world, this isn't a Norman Rockwell card, and people are disallusioned and troubled on so many fronts.  This may not be your finest Christmas, but I can promise you that the despair you feel this day will be the final one, because next year you will be stronger and have a different perspective. 
Love to you.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I am not sure if I will have company on Christmas or not because my live-in companion is in the hospital.  He either gets out the day before or the day after Christmas.  Just yesterday, I thought of how sad it would be to spend Christmas alone and then my minister and his wife talked me through the pain.  They explained how they thought my daughter was doing horrible things to me and that she was trying to break me so she could control me.  That is never going to happen because I know that my grandson is always going to be my grandson and she cannot change that.  One day, if I do not see him before then, I will go to his school to visit, volunteer at the playground, or something.

These AC using the grandchildren to hurt their mothers, honestly, are just mean and terrible people.  They must be desperate for money or love or security or something but we do not help them by allowing their abuse to prosper in our lives.

So, my options for spending Christmas day are:  Stay home with my cats who love me, volunteer to spend Christmas with someone in the hospital or nursing home who is in our same situation, maybe spend it with my live-in companion, feed the homeless, go to a restaurant or church, take a long road trip, play music and dance all day...the list is endless.

All I know is that it is sad that my AD would treat me this way, but she did not win with her control tactics and I am thankful that she has no foothold in my life any longer!

[JudyJudyJudy]

One more thing:  We are all hurting because it is not natural to not be with your grandchildren from time to time.  The grief, confusion and everything else that goes along with it is normal when our own children are causing this to happen.  We just need to remember that it is not our fault.  It is the fault of our children who are failing us!  It is sad for them that their values are placed on things that would interfere with the grandparent-grandchild relationship and they need our prayers that one day they will open their eyes and realize how they are hurting their own children just in order to be mean to someone else and to be mean to one's own mother is sick.