Why are some dils so distant with ds's FOO?

[phillek]

You said it, JOAG.  People Pleaser!  It is a curse, isn't it?

[Pooh]

I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

[pam1]

I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.

[Pooh]

Yep which then gives them the validation and justification with others (in their world).

[justanoldgrandma]

I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.

Absolutely!  If I threw a temper tantrum right back or acted snotty right back, I'd look like a bully and get no backup although ds is catching on just by observation and he doesn't like such comments himself.  So no reaction is good; I'm getting good at leaving the room abruptly or rushing to do something else.  No fuel for the fire.  Someone on this forum suggested the "medium chill" which I've googled; there should be a book on that!

[luise.volta]

Hey, write that book!   

[justanoldgrandma]

Oh, wow, Luise, I would love to but that would mean I'd have to know how to do the "medium chill" and I'm just beginning to believe I need to use it!  I'm such a people pleaser, especially when it comes to keeping the love of ds and gc...... but having self-respect and not being treated rudely is so important. 

I did some goggling and there are books like Walking on Eggshells and others that deal with dealing with "difficult" or in my case, a manipulator, controller, who has an art perfected.   It's going to take a lot of reading and research for me to learn this method bc I still want the approval of someone who treats me badly!  Now that's an oxymoron, for sure! 

Guess this would make a good post, asking for advice from others here!  (Of course, it runs through many threads and is a mainstay of your comments and philosophy, Luise.)

[luise.volta]

Something that recently took me around a corner, yes, we never stop learning and growing…was given to me before but I didn't get it. It's this: "I am fine just the way I am. I matter because I do…no other reason is necessary. I am loved from within by my Spirit…I have no need to please others to be loved externally. If compliance on my part and being untrue to myself is a relationship requirement, then what I might glean from that would not be love. It would be dominance. I do not have to explain, excuse, aplogize or change. I am (repeat the chorus) fine just the way I am."

I got it this time...and it is changing my life. That's the good news.

The bad news, is that the same thing is true for everyone else. Bummer!

[justanoldgrandma]

Thank you, Luise.  Your belief system is true and beautiful.  I wasn't raised to believe this, so I have to "retrain" myself until I do.  It's time I truly started.

[luise.volta]

I wasn't raised with it, either. I was born in the 1920s! That's probably why it didn't take the first time someone tried to explain it to me. But/and we can free ourselves up from what hasn't worked. We don't need to keep it. Sending love...

[pam1]

I do think people that intentionally are being mean do so for the reaction.   That was perfect phillek!

Yes, yes and yes.  They want a reaction, one that preferably makes YOU look bad.

Absolutely!  If I threw a temper tantrum right back or acted snotty right back, I'd look like a bully and get no backup although ds is catching on just by observation and he doesn't like such comments himself.  So no reaction is good; I'm getting good at leaving the room abruptly or rushing to do something else.  No fuel for the fire.  Someone on this forum suggested the "medium chill" which I've googled; there should be a book on that!

Actually, I think medium chill is described in books "Walking on Eggshells" and some other books directed towards personality disorders.  I'm *not* saying anyone has a personality disorder in your FOO, just that I found the techniques helpful in those books for dealing with people I find difficult.

Might be worth a look