i am lost...

[sesamejane]

hi stilltrying,

Everyone has met the challenge I  think in giving advice.  Lots of good stuff here. 

I would just like to add that it sounds as if MIL is predictable.  Given this, as someone said, make plans a, b, and c for possible contingencies.  I would include considering making different plans next year if you get unsatisfactory results this year.  In other words, it may be worth having a different sort of holiday season next year  that do not include, or include minimally, MIL, et al.  Radical...

But don't forget to breathe and bask in the sunshine as suggested.  Very important for  a young mother.  Good wishes, SJ

[pam1]

I think this explains a lot of the problems with MIL:  DH has a strained relationship with his mom.  I don't think you having a better relationship with his parents than he has seems likely.  There's nothing solid for you to build on as a DIL.  DH doesn't initiate visits with his parents.  Maybe following his cues would be helpful for you.

 

Very, very good point.  There's probably a very good reason why DH does not have an ideal relationship with his Mom, trust him and his however many years of dealing with her. 

[stilltrying2010]

Just wanted to thank you all for responding/sharing.  Some were difficult to read & I initially wanted to defend my point of view and not see the message as helping me to see the otherside.  It really helped me to better examine MY ROLE in this.   I have heard "let it go" a thousand times before and always said I want to but I just can't seem to do it... I have felt lighter in spirits and as though I have reached a new level of understanding, that all my thoughts & suppositions are just that, mine.  Let it go and just focus on us.  At this moment it seems ridiculously easy...

[Doe]

ST2010-

Glad to hear your spirits are higher. 

I just re-read your original post where you said something like the non-bio family members were treated as if they didn't exist.

My FOO didn't accept the first few spouses of my siblings - none of them.   When I married, I had already moved far away so our rare visits seemed to be appreciated.  My DF didn't accept DH really but my DH just recognized the situation for what it was.  He was always polite to my dad and handed the phone over to me for conversations.  He didn't really bother with it but when he did, he seemed faintly amused by the whole situation.  He was too busy creating our happy family and a little business to support us. Things seemed to change when my mom died and DF went searching for happiness with other wives.

Anyway, just another anecdote to reinforce that it's really about how you choose to deal with the situation.

[luise.volta]

That's because you're really StillTrying! Good for you!

[JudyJudyJudy]

StillTrying,

My daughter and I have problems getting along and she will not allow me to see my grandson because I do not like her.  She's not a nice person but I do love my grandson.  So, now she is acting like "well, if you don't put up with my so-called abuse, then you cannot see your grandson either" so my grandson cannot be with someone he loves dearly and who loves him dearly in return.  So, I as her mother expect her to get over herself and think about what is best for her child but that does not seem to be happening.  As a result of her using my grandson as hostage, I like her even less.

Not every situation is the same, but this is how I feel about not being able to see someone I love because there are problems with other family members that have nothing to do with me and the baby.  Also, if I do not see my grandson while he is still young, then one day when he is grown I probably will see him again.  Then, when he gets to know me, he will probably not think much of his mother either for not allowing me to be part of his life.

[luise.volta]

We can have expectations. I doubt if there is one of us who doesn't. The hard thing is to get that they are ours. Sending love...

[Beth 2011]

Dear I am lost,

Too bad you didn't meet up with my DS....wish I could see my GC all through the year....every week..... whenever possible.... for no other reason than the fact that he is my GC.  I wish you peace and happiness with your family and MIL.  Ms. Luise has created a wonderful place for everyone to gather and learn from each other.  Just hang in there.