Serious Question

[2chickiebaby]

I need to ask a serious question to DILs and MILs alike.  Since the DILs don't like us or want to have a relationship with us, why do they talk endlessly about us on about 30 sites devoted to their problems with us?

I'd like to know, once and for all.  They complain that we're not nice to them but no matter what we do, they still don't like us.  If we are to maintain a relationship with their husband's and children, how do we climb this mountain? They are the total key to this.

Assuming they really want us out of their lives....how do we do that? 

[Enough]

As a new person here, I may not be the best to answer, but I have a thought:

I think some people will post on multiple sites, because they want validation.  A MIL site might not be the best place for a DIL to get help, just as a DIL site might not be the best place for a MIL to find help.

Sometimes, all we want is a place to vent, where people will support us, and maybe we can get it out of our systems before we take it out on someone else.
_______________________________________________________________________
Edited to add:  I had to go back and reread your post, because I think you are asking something else out of frustration (sorry if I am getting this wrong)

I need to ask a serious question to DILs and MILs alike.  Since the DILs don't like us or want to have a relationship with us, why do they talk endlessly about us on about 30 sites devoted to their problems with us?

Just as you are asking out of frustration, I think the other party may be doing the same thing out of frustration

I'd like to know, once and for all.  They complain that we're not nice to them but no matter what we do, they still don't like us.  If we are to maintain a relationship with their husband's and children, how do we climb this mountain? They are the total key to this.

I think that once a hurt has happened, and not been addressed, and then another hurt is piled on top of it, and then another...and so on....that an effort to be nice, does not take away the previous hurts.  I also do not believe that the other party is the total key to a situation, they may have more control, but are not the absolute answer(no matter who is right and who is wrong).

Assuming they really want us out of their lives....how do we do that? You simply stop.  No more, he said, she said.  No more unreasonable demands (what the other party considers unreasonable, not you <and I am thinking in terms of you think it is OK to call on Saturday at 6:30 and the other party does not>).  And finally, a true and sincere apology that specifically owns up to issues, not a non apology or a sorry for whatever I did.  (I think for a relationship to work, it takes these things on both sides to happen) and then you let things settle down.  Sometimes time will soften things

[Scoop]

*~*~*~*  Okay – disclaimer – I re-read this and I don’t want anyone to feel attacked, so below, wherever I say “you”, I don’t mean you Chickie or anyone in particular, I’m talking about ‘you’ in general.

The DIL sites are there for the same reason that this site is here.  They are dealing with a relationship that troubles them and they want to talk about it to people in the same situation.  I think that the majority of DIL's would like to have at least a decent relationship with their MIL, just like everyone here would like to have a decent relationship with their DIL.

However, often they are dealing with irrational people, just like the MIL's here are.

Sometimes it's a matter of being two REALLY different people, with REALLY different expectations, with no idea on how to meet in the middle.  I'm thinking of Catchingup's story about her DS's IL's offering a 3rd party, verbal invitation and how she thought that was rude, but other people don't think it’s rude at all.  Who's right?  Who needs to bend?

I strongly believe that the Son/Husband really needs to step up in these situations.  It’s in his best interests to have his Mom and his Wife get along, he knows them both really well, he knows what makes them tick, and what ticks them off.  If he put forth the effort, he could really smooth things out between them.

So I would say that you should start working on your relationship with your Son.  Try and change your expectations.  Try and make every encounter stress-free and enjoyable.  Give up the past, you can’t change it, you can only learn from it.  When you’ve gotten your relationship back on track with your son, ask him to help you out with your relationship with DIL.  Tell him what your goals are, you’re not likely going to be best friends, or maybe not even friendly, maybe all you can hope for is Civil.  Ask him what you can do for / with your grandkids and what to avoid.

Remember, the only person you can change is yourself.  So reconsider and see where YOU can bend.  And sadly, it will likely have to be you, the DIL has ‘the prize’ – i.e. the kids, and if you want to see them, you’ll have to follow her rules.  Of course, you should not compromise yourself or subject yourself to abuse.  But it might help you to start thinking that when people say rude things it’s about THEM, not about you.  I’ve learned that when someone does something or says something that makes me go “Huh?  Where did THAT come from?”, it’s always due to an insecurity on their part and really has nothing at all to do with me.  And so, it doesn’t hurt me, because I don’t let it.

I wrote in another post about “if I say something and it can be taken two ways, and one of those ways makes you cry, I meant the other way”.  If you can start thinking like that, that MOST people don’t mean to make you cry, they mean it the other way – it helps your whole outlook.  Sometimes it’s a stretch to try and think of how else they could mean it, but then you go back to the “it’s about THEM, not me”, and so it doesn’t hurt. 

I wish everyone adopted that philosophy, because it frees you from reacting to other people.  So if someone cuts me off in traffic, I try and assume that they’re in a rush to the hospital or something.  Because in the end, it doesn’t MATTER if they meant to be jerks or not, if I assume that they didn’t, and thus I don’t get mad, or hurt or whatever, then I’ve taken away their power over my mood.

Anyway, just something to think about.

[2chickiebaby]

Enough,
I am frustrated as you can tell and I do appreciate your thoughts very much.  What we/I don't understand is what is it that we are doing or not doing that causes them to do the things they do?

Assuming they will never like us and don't want us in their lives, I don't know what we're supposed to do? 

This is the only place that I know of where we can post our thoughts and situations without being ganged up on.  All was well in our homes until they married.

Or, is the following true:  a friend of mine, long standing, told his son, "if you ever allow your wife to  treat your Mother and I like Chickie's son's wife treated them, I will never speak to you again."

His son said: "Dad, that could not have been a good home if their son allowed that treatment"

I can tell you that that broke my heart and I'll never forget it.  I'm beginning to believe it. How could it not be true?  I will admit to anything I think I've done wrong.  (my husband says that's one of my flaws, I'll admit to anything when most people won't)

I don't care; I want the truth.  No one knows our home but us.  To us, it was great but really, if my friend's son was right, it must not have been for this to turn out like it has.

[2chickiebaby]

Thank you, Scoop.  I am going to try to remember "it's about them"

Coming from a background where I could not do an "it's about them", you can see where this is hard for me.

[Marilyn]

I agree with Enough,we all need to feel validated.When we are having problems with some one,and cant talk it out with them,we seek to find some validation for our feelings.

I found that here,the first time i posted.I dont feel the need to go to another site.
I dont know why some one would post on several sites,but thats just me.

[Enough]

The more I read here, the more I am trying to get a handle on my own situation.  No matter who wins, everyone loses.  I have great sympathy for all parties who are truly between a rock and a hard place (myself included).

[2chickiebaby]

What is it, Enough?  Maybe we can help.

[Enough]

When I look at it objectively, most of it is just fluff (pointed non-gifts, slighting comments, etc) but there was a line crossed, that cannot be uncrossed and it almost cost me my marriage.  I have since decided that non-contact is for the best, and it has truly "unleashed the beast", who has told me that I could never come between a mother and son, and is using everything in her passive/agressive arsenal to prove it.

[2chickiebaby]

Enough, what is PA...laptop's question mark doesn't work.....is it passive aggressive

She is wrong about no one can come between a mother and son.  I don't know what she did but I'll bet you she would be sorry about it now. 

[cremebrulee]

First of all Chickie, they are not doing anything differently then we're doing...they need a place to vent, granted, some of them get really mean, however, there a tons of DIL's that don't feel like them...i.e. our DIL's here and by the way, I haven't seen them for a while...where are our DIL's? 

Anyway, moving along...Chickie, they are human, remember that, and even though they are angry, hurt, insecure, etc...the majority of them, I am sure, are hurting to...

They are young, immature, and if you go back to when you were anywhere from 20 - 40 you could probably relate...when we're young, we know it all and resent anyone who gives us advice...

When we were young, we were not patient...we were sometimes very brutal verbally with our anger...we acted out in very bad ways....we talked about people...

So are they really any different..No...and the only thing I can say is this, they will someday be in they're 60's with very little time left...and to me, 10 years left goes very quickly...and then unfortunately the majority of them will not only understand, but also, probably be very sorry they were so mean...

I know it's no consulation Chickie, and I can't tell you how to find peace...except letting go...and moving on...letting go is not an easy thing to do...some never can...but maybe in explaining to you this way, you might be able to....I cannot rely on my son and his wife for my happiness...I'm the only guy in the world who is going to make me happy...I had my son, and was blessed, raised him, spent many long hours of happiness and laughter with not only him but his friends...however time changes things...life must change...we evolve, and must learn to move on....and let go...really give them they're independence and freedom....love is not possessive, it is not controlling, it is not smothering....

I think this is the hardest part of being a parent...fortunately some parents are blessed with the greatest and most mature loving DIL's....and those DIL's realize the importance of family and all the things I've posted...I know we all wish we had one of those DIL's but unfortunately, we didn't get them....and also remember this...

People who come from a very dysfunctional home, come with baggage...it's not you, it's them...they do not know how to socialize, they do not know how not to react badly to situations...they don't know the importance of allowing people they're time in the sun...it is only and always all about they're feelings.

there are tons of great DIL's out there, however, they are not in here giving they're testimony's b/c they don't have to vent, they are not hurting, they are in fact in harmony with they're families...they understand the importance of they're husbands having a relationship with they're parents....they are secure, confident and able to view a much bigger picture...

I don't know if I've helped at all, however, I do know the pain you feel...

what you have to do is conquere and not base your happiness on son's and they're wives any more, and start a new life with your hubby.

Heres another idea I thought of....my real mother is the most dysfunctional woman I've ever known...when I was little I hated her and hated myself for hating her, then one day I realized, due to the way she was raised, she did the best that she could do, given the tools she had to work with...she couldn't do any better, she wasn't capable, and I feel very sorry for her, and for our DIL's....they really don't know any better, it is they're way of surviving, all they learned from they're parents...

[2chickiebaby]

I appreciate that, creme. I really do.  I did not have a family so as you can see, this one was the only chance I had.

[Marilyn]

Enough,sounds like your in a really bad situation right now.I hope things don't escalate to the point it cant ever be repaired.
If you dont mind,please explain more.......what ever you are comfortable with though.

[Enough]

Yes 2CB, p/a = passive/aggressive (I cheat because I can never spell aggressive )

First she would have to actually acknowledge what she did, but she feels she has done nothing except be a concerned and caring mother.

This is why I have come to this site, to see how other MIL's and DIL's look at things.  And that is enough of Enough hijacking someone else's thread ;-)

[2chickiebaby]

Enough, you're saying that she does know what she did and is telling you in a passive aggressive way that she.....I don't know what I'm trying to say here.

She's passively trying to communicate what she did or didn't do? 

(I am lost)