Well, we survived. Not so surprisingly, MIL was on her very best behavior, trying to show what a wonderful decision we made in inviting her. Not that I'm complaining that she didn't do or say anything out of line, but it just proves that she is perfectly capable of controlling herself if it is in her best interest to do so. The worse thing that happened was that we felt obligated to spend the morning with them before they left which took a little chunk of my DM's precious time with us. We could have certainly said no, so I guess it's our own fault for feeling guilty, but MIL is so needy and DM is so.....not. Also, MIL hogged the spot next to DS at dinner... now I'm just nitpicking really. This always happens, though. She has a couple of days where she's "not so bad" and I am eager to draw her in closer, then she takes the opportunity to take me out at full force. It's like I open a window to the wall I've put up and she sees that as her cue to break down the door. I have to keep my guard up constantly, and it's exhausting. For example, DS and I were playing in a room alone, MIL walks in by herself, and I had to remember to leave the situation immediately in order to take away her opportunity to say somethig rude/guilt trip, etc. It's sad, really.
Jane F., it sounds like your current MIL situation and mine are similar. I do believe it is probably tough for any family to admit that an older member needs the kind of support and care you might give a child. Not sure how long my MIL has been this way, but she certainly has been "off" since I've known her (about 10 years or so). The main issue I have with her is her... I'm not sure of the right words to describe it... extreme social awkardness?? I'm never totally sure if she means to be rude, which sounds ridiculous if you don't know her because the things she does are things a normal person would obviously never do. I gave the example in another post of how she called me my DH's ex-GF's name for about a year. I politely corrected her or ignored her each time, or she caught herself, but she never stopped until I specifically asked her to stop doing it. Sounds like an awful person, right? Well, it's confusing, because when I'm with her I just feel uncomfortable and sorry for her; the anger only catches up with me after the fact.
JAOG, I totally agree with you that FIL is not qualified to care for her in that way. Again, DH wants to stay away from it, so I am in no position to give my opinion on the matter. I just have to continue to be careful the situations I put myself in, and report anything upsetting to DH, who will report to FIL. I'm sure nothing I could say to FIL would ever override his own ego, and truthfully, he does know her better than I do. I'm no more qualified to give him my opinion of his care of her than MIL is to give her opinion of my care of DS. He continues to treat her like a four-year-old, and she continues to act like one. He is the one that has to live with her, so whatever works. The sticky part is when FIL does things like refers to MIL as a "child-care expert" (picture him patting her on the head and saying, "aren't you sweetheart?") and MIL uses that to try guilt me into giving her more say/responsiblity with DS. It's frustrating because I wan't to shake him and say "She doesn't need MORE self-assurance! She needs a reality check!"
On rudeness that may just be social awkwardness... an interesting dig: My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. MIL, who is on facebook daily but almost never posts, decided to put up a couple of photos that day. One baby photo of DH on his first birthday with the caption: "DH (her DS) on his first birthday, XX/XX. DS's (her GS) birthday is XX/XX." The same with another photo of DH on his second birthday. Both DH and DS birthday were more than a few weeks/months away, so their was no reason to put up the photos that day. ZERO mention of me, DH's wife and DS's mother, who happened to be having a birthday on that day. I know she knew it was my birthday - I had a million birthday wishes on my wall and MIL frequently mentions my facebook traffic when she talks to me. She didn't write on my wall or mention me in another post, but she did call to tell me happy belated birthday the following day. I didn't mention the photos and neither did she. I don't expect her to publicly acknowledge my birthday, but why go out of her way to acknowledge DS and DH and leave me out? It seems like a pretty blatant dig to me, but DH seems to think she is just crazy and doesn't know what she is doing. But that's her way - when it comes to taking responsiblity for her own actions, she claims incompetence. On the flip side, she wants to make me feel guilty for not letting her have more responsiblity for DS. It's a very confusing situation, to say the least.
