Perhaps even better, what if you and DH called her during the week and invited her over for a set time for the weekend. Say Sunday 12 to 3, so she would not be inviting herself at a time that interrupts you?
We've considered this. Even better would be for us to visit her at her house (no criticism from her there) especially as the weather becomes less hospitable up on the mountain. We've tried this in the past during the week, and she invites herself on the weekend anyway.
You and FH have the patience of saints. I think the way you are handling it now, is the only way to handle it. Letting FH take the lead is great and kudos to him for doing that with his Mother.
Welcome to the board! I think that as long as your FDH is on the same page as you, you'll be doing okay. It sounds like you should follow his lead on how to 'deal with her'. It seems like "natural consequences" is her way of learning. So let her suffer the "natural consequences" of her actions.
It's reassuring to have someone affirm that we're not completely out of line. I'm very lucky to have a DFH who stands up for us and handles the situations that come up. I keep hoping that there's some magical thing we can say or do to create an understanding of mutual respect and effective communication. I think a lot of it is my passive nature being uncomfortable with conflict. I'm used to being able to open a dialogue and "talk it through" with relatively little stress and conflict. It feels strange that this won't work in this case.
As for your wedding, PLEASE have the wedding YOU and FDH want.
Stick to your principles and desires regarding the wedding, pick your battles over the little things, & give her a job to do
Scoop makes a great point about the wedding and doing it your way. It is perfect practice for all involved to figure out where they fit into things as you and your DH take the lead and start your own lives.
The biggest issue there isn't even the disowned FSIL (DFH put his foot down that his sister and her wife will be invited, and we know they'll come), it's religion based. DFH and I are of different religions. Yes, that opens up a big can of worms. I was raised Catholic but am basically agnostic. He was raised Jewish and is also agnostic. Religion is a non-issue for the two of us, but "the family" is a whole other story. I have always thought it would be wonderful to have my ordained first cousin marry us (I was even at the Cathedral for his ordination), and he said it was possible he could perform a non-religious ceremony for us. FMIL took great offense to the idea of "seeing her son get married by some white-collar", and that here entire family would be "gravely offended". I had thought that since the ceremony would be non-denominational, and neither of us are religious, that it wouldn't matter? They way FMIL handled her concern really hurt and made me feel like my background is unimportant (there's more to this issue that I might make another post on someday). Besides, I could ask my cousin to wear a blue collar...? Is the ceremony a competition to see whose religion is expressed more?
Anyway, the information train stopped there. We're trying to come up with ways to balance the attendance so that each family will have roughly the same amount of people attending... hard to do when they live 1000 miles apart, and neither grandmother is well enough to travel. We think that balancing this will express that no religion is more important than the other, and that DFH and I are of equal standing; with neither of us being "engulfed" into the other family.
For the record, we are paying the entire thing.
Your FMIL is how she is and I doubt that anything you say or do is going to change that. She doesn't listen. She does what she does and thinks she is right. Her over involvement in your lives is justified and rationalized in her mind, I'm sure. She sees it as loving.
Hmmm.....I don't think she is kind, sweet, generous. She sounds like a bully!
Well... yes and no. To me, a bully is fully aware that they are being nasty and does it for pleasure. I don't get that impression from my FMIL. She feels she is always truly right and justified, and goes out of her way to "help". She doesn't seem capable of seeing another point of view (not my words). And if you try, things get ugly. How do you (peacefully) deal with someone like that?
We were given 5 invitations out of 100, but I insisted on 10. We refused to pay for a DJ as well as the live band. And we had a ball at the reception while DIL's DM had a very sour look on her face. That's kind of how it's gone since then, lol. When we were uninvited somewhere because DIL's FOO didn't want us to be part of a fun day DS had planned, we bought seats in another section and went anyway. They couldn't say a word, but they were not pleased. We made our point.
Oh dear, it sounds like there was a lot of drama surrounding that wedding. I don't know how they could justify being so blatantly unfair to you. Sorry you had to go through this. Good job going anyway!
You and FDH are not dependent children under her benevolent rule. You are adults starting your own family unit where you have the right to make your own choices and establish your own boundaries. That means you get to pick out your own tablecloths, leave junk on the kitchen table, sleep in and entertain when you decide you want to. Visits from anyone, ILs included, are by invitation. If you fail to do that, your own growth and development will suffer. We are always growing and developing. I am 84 and I am still maturing and adapting and leaning. However, we need room to do that. If it's not given to us…we have to create it or go under.
Luise, I wish my FMIL were like you! You understand the DIL side perfectly and have articulated exactly what I wish my FMIL to understand about "my" side.
If you try to keep her from writing you off (the way she has FDH's former girlfriends) it will require full compliance. That's the only thing she will accept. The only way around it is to either be her puppets and get that it has to be that way…or take a stand and let her know that your home is your sanctuary and is not a perpetual open house…and that how you manage it is your business, not hers. The is not going to be good news and you are not going to manage to stay in her good graces and take a stand at the same time. Asking for understanding and consideration is a lost cause, as you have already seen. She reigns. End of story.
The kind of interference that is just starting to become apparent is the kind that stresses new relationships and even ends them. The hardest part is to get that there is no gentle, kind, understanding, cooperative way to deal with it and when you try, the only change will be that things will get worse once she see that you aren't going to knuckle under. Being kind only works with people who listen and are open to change. She is not one of them.
While this is not what I wanted to hear, I think this is what I needed to hear. Trying to stay in her good graces while taking a stand is the concept I've been struggling with and is what motivated me to make this post. With those words coming from a MIL like you and the other posters, I feel more confident to stand up for what's important to DFH and I. I was naively hoping there'd be a magic answer to this problem so that everyone could be happy and get along. I'm thankful that DFH is the way he is, as he's the one who will make this bearable.
It is just stuff. Concentrate on living your good life with your DH; concentrate on your FMIL's goodness (as you say she is) and drop the rest. Let your DH fight with her, then tell him you don't care to hear about it.
Hm, it's not quite as simple as that, as I'm often involved in some of the problems (see my point about religion issues, for example). You do make a good point about trusting DH, he's known his mother all his life, after all. Another thought we had was to help direct her goodness into something that feels more appropriate to us, so she doesn't have to guess (and she loves to help). Getting her advice on paint colours, asking her to keep an eye out for a certain type of dish, asking her advice on cooking certain things, etc. You've inspired me to take the initiative to do something nice for her, so I think I'll get her a Christmas present. She's not Christian, but I have an idea of something she would love.
