Yes, I am in on this one, *all in* as they say in poker. We just got back from our trip for THG with DS/DIL/GC in NY and survived the de-icing of the plane on our way there, so you can imagine a cross-country trip is expensive, not the most fun thing to do, but you do what you have to do to see the GC. We earned our badge on this holiday, I believe. So weighing in, I have to say that I have had this feeling of "less important" inside and out. I am working on the inside job now as we speak, with a supportive group here, and in context with my feelings so that I don't get sideswiped again and again. I wish I could say it will all go away someday soon, because I will have earned the respect of my DS and DIL. I think that will happen as the saying goes, *when hell freezes over*. This issue of sharing holidays is par for the course, I think, and it goes without saying that, this is how it goes, and it blows, actually. You go along to get along. And, you swallow your pride. It is what it is until it isn't anymore. I am sorry for all that pithiness, but I really do get "it" now. I think luise said it well -- and I think these issues really are beyond our control. I am choosing to not participate in the chaos or be manipulated by DIL's actions and words. I refuse to feel like a second-class citizen and have waved goodbye and let that ship sail without me. It goes and it blows. I am getting healthier though because it is more and more about me now, that is, if I am happy with what I do to enjoy the holidays. Life is short, you know? We chose to fly to NY and stay at a B&B around the corner from DS/DIL, so we could have privacy and sleep in. If plans were not made with us, we made plans. If meals were not fixed for us, no hard feelings, we ate out. My DS thought this was weird that we were not spending every waking moment and second at their apartment/home ---but you know, the relationship is built by what we do together. I am the way I am because they are the way they are. AND they are the way they are because of the way I am. Very much so. We learn from each other. So let's think again about family in a different way, we are happy to spend time together, but not every waking moment. There is only so much giving we can do for DS/DIL/GC, and then we have to take care of ourselves. So I get that I am supposed to give to myself so that I don't become needy and burdensome. After this visit, we figure that we will visit them once a year while the kids are young, and build those memories. Then, it is up to the parents to nurture our relationship by visiting us. It certainly does reflect on our relationship if they visit, call, write or not...it will grow or rust, I totally agree with pen's metaphor. Don't get me wrong, we love our GC, just that we are a different generation where we believe GC are their parents' children, with GP who love them too. I did enjoy myself, I brought activities to do with them and that was my plan, that we would make Christmas cards, handprint wreaths, individual gingerbread houses, sugar cookies, and build some memories together. I liked my part a lot, I babysat and had the place spicnspan, laundry done for when parents returned too -- I was so proud of myself that I did this with love -- it is so ME
And that, my WWU friends, is how I am getting my groove back, and getting healthier. I am reclaiming my identity -- and like it or lump it, I do not have to be perfect. Spend time with me or not, it does matter to me, but what matters more is not what you think of me, but what I think of myself ...because...(hear the drumroll?) I AM IMPORTANT
, my feelings matter and there are people who care about me. Like my husband, my sons, friends and who knows friends I have not made yet. Let me back up a bit...we have had several issues in the past with DS/DIL, about cooking, DIL does not cook for us, remember my post about THG, I was so concerned that I would end up being expected to do all the cooking? My plan was to entertain the GC and be a support person. Pretty much that is what happened, so cannot complain. The devil is in the details, and I will not bore you with them. Just suffice it to say, I really get it. You can too! You are loved and understood. Believe me...I mentioned in passing to a stranger in NYC that we were visiting the GC and she piped up with a comment that showed me, she was a GP and going through these types of issues to some degree too. Fun to feel connected, affirmed and understood. It just is what it is, my friends. We love you, until you can love yourselves a whole lot more. Sorry for this long post, wanted to check -in, but not steal the post away.
