One counselor's observation as to what happens to Mothers of sons when they wed

[Sunny1]

Miss Priss, I am thankful for all of your input and your clever ability to string words together in such easily graspible tones...and thank you for saying a lot of what was on my mind earlier...had I actually had the cahones to write it, it would have never been as clear.

I'm a pediatric home-care nurse, most of my young patients are either on a home-ventilator or have a tracheostomy. I am both self-employed, approx. 12-15 hrs a week and work for a home-care company, another 30 hrs per week, and have done so for the past decade. I am self employed as a contractor for my state as an Independent Homecare Provider. In doing this, I have to abide by very strict state regulations and have an annual review, just as any home-care company, nursing home, hospital or other entity that recieves state funds (by billing medicare, medicaid, etc.) would have an inspection. And if anyone's ever worked in healthcare, you know how stressful the inspections can be...try doing it all on your own...anyway, my annual review was last week, which I passed with flying colors but it is extremely stressful none-the-less. Upon returning home after my review was final, I retrieved my mail from the mailbox to find a card addressed to my husband with my FIL's name in the return address area, but in my MIL's handwriting.
This might not sound alarming, but as you know, I too have had serious boundary issues with my MIL. After having to make the tough descision of cutting her off, we even had to tell her "no gifts" as well. She does the same thing as your MIl, she tries to buy us off as her apology.
We made clear boundaries with her but she continues to try to break them. As silly as a card is, it is still breaking a boundary.
After my extremely stressful annual review, dealing with her nonsense was the last thing I wanted to do...My husband came home, saw the envelope addressed to him...wrote "Return To Sender" across the front of it...and walked it back out to the mailbox, never having opened it....It was the first time he ever stood by a boundary he had set for her....I was very proud of him.

Miss Priss, you are not being unreasonable. You deserve the respect a wife should have of her husband , and a daughter should have of their in-laws. They really are missing out by not getting to know you as the intelligent, well-spoken woman that we all know you as here.

(((Hugs)))

[Annie123]

It's hard these days to be happy, when you know that black cloud is looming over your head just waiting for the chance to rain down on you again.

Miss Priss, I would like to offer you my opinion on this sentence if I may? 
     Life is just to darn short to live this way! Smile and be happy and soak up every second with your little girl. Because you're going to blink twice and be standing in my shoes with her all grown up and on her own. Which is every parents goal. Or should be. LOL  Please if and when possible try to NOT let your ILs or anyone else have the type of hold on your life as the sentence above states. That makes them the " WINNER" .. U see? My Daddy used to tell me, (Because I'm the all time World Champion Worrier!"  anyhow he would say, Look at you giving this person those precious minutes of your life. Silly girl!!! Bet they haven't thought or worried over you once?
  Oh I do know that it is easier said than done.. Trust me! But with MUCH practice and GREAT effort on my part I have gotten so much better at " Not caring" as much about what "someone else" is thinking about me. I can only control what "I" think about "ME" and I need to do what I think is right for me and mine. "PERIOD"   Just a thought and feeling I wanted to share with you! Huggggsss!!

[Pen]

Wow. I need to clear up a couple of things. I feel as though bits and pieces of what I write are jumped on and responded to in haste.

Here's how my previous post started: "I totally understand that some of you are dealing with triangulation or whatever. My mom had to deal with my GM in that way, so I know the dynamic well." Pretty clearly stated, I think.

Here's what Miss Priss said after that: "In this particular thread there are clearly two sides.  MILs unanimously (except Creme of course) think the "triangulation" and the MIL/DS/DIL "love triangle" is proposterous/ridiculous/crazy/etc..  My response to that is, again, if it doesn't apply to you, then good for you.  That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." MILs obviously did not "unanimously except for Creme of course" think the triangulation theory was ridiculous. I clearly stated that I knew it existed. I don't know how I could have been more clear.

Creme, you said my "hurt has turned to anger." In your opinion, perhaps, but you didn't ask me how I was feeling, instead you told me how I was feeling. Here's a sentence from my previous post: "We must have a special breed of DILs here who really are concerned about their relationships with their ILs, and are not here just to vent. " Clearly, I'm not angry at anyone here.

Creme, you also said "sometimes it's so very frustrating because some take pretty quick offense to posts and feel like they've got to be defensive of they're feelings, Why?"     I agree with you; some took quick offense to my posts & got defensive without taking the time to actually read what I wrote, and it is also frustrating to be misinterpreted and misquoted.

Pam1, RedRose and Barely There, thank you for your words of understanding.

[barelythere]

Wow. I need to clear up a couple of things. I feel as though bits and pieces of what I write are jumped on and responded to in haste.

Here's how my previous post started: "I totally understand that some of you are dealing with triangulation or whatever. My mom had to deal with my GM in that way, so I know the dynamic well." Pretty clearly stated, I think.

Here's what Miss Priss said after that: "In this particular thread there are clearly two sides.  MILs unanimously (except Creme of course) think the "triangulation" and the MIL/DS/DIL "love triangle" is proposterous/ridiculous/crazy/etc..  My response to that is, again, if it doesn't apply to you, then good for you.  That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." MILs obviously did not "unanimously except for Creme of course" think the triangulation theory was ridiculous. I clearly stated that I knew it existed. I don't know how I could have been more clear.

Creme, you said my "hurt has turned to anger." In your opinion, perhaps, but you didn't ask me how I was feeling, instead you told me how I was feeling. Here's a sentence from my previous post: "We must have a special breed of DILs here who really are concerned about their relationships with their ILs, and are not here just to vent. " Clearly, I'm not angry at anyone here.

Creme, you also said "sometimes it's so very frustrating because some take pretty quick offense to posts and feel like they've got to be defensive of they're feelings, Why?"     I agree with you; some took quick offense to my posts & got defensive without taking the time to actually read what I wrote, and it is also frustrating to be misinterpreted and misquoted.

Pam1, RedRose and Barely There, thank you for your words of understanding.

Pen, you couldn't be more painfully careful about every word you say.  Stating your point and always giving a thumbs up to everyone posting instead of criticizing them.  Thank you for your kindness. 

[cremebrulee]

Wow. I need to clear up a couple of things. I feel as though bits and pieces of what I write are jumped on and responded to in haste.

Here's how my previous post started: "I totally understand that some of you are dealing with triangulation or whatever. My mom had to deal with my GM in that way, so I know the dynamic well." Pretty clearly stated, I think.

Here's what Miss Priss said after that: "In this particular thread there are clearly two sides.  MILs unanimously (except Creme of course) think the "triangulation" and the MIL/DS/DIL "love triangle" is proposterous/ridiculous/crazy/etc..  My response to that is, again, if it doesn't apply to you, then good for you.  That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." MILs obviously did not "unanimously except for Creme of course" think the triangulation theory was ridiculous. I clearly stated that I knew it existed. I don't know how I could have been more clear.

Creme, you said my "hurt has turned to anger." In your opinion, perhaps, but you didn't ask me how I was feeling, instead you told me how I was feeling. Here's a sentence from my previous post: "We must have a special breed of DILs here who really are concerned about their relationships with their ILs, and are not here just to vent. " Clearly, I'm not angry at anyone here.

Creme, you also said "sometimes it's so very frustrating because some take pretty quick offense to posts and feel like they've got to be defensive of they're feelings, Why?"     I agree with you; some took quick offense to my posts & got defensive without taking the time to actually read what I wrote, and it is also frustrating to be misinterpreted and misquoted.

Pam1, RedRose and Barely There, thank you for your words of understanding.

Hi Pen....
The only time I spoke to you was in the small paragraph I wrote to only Pen...there was rest a small part of the post also to Barely there and the rest of it was to all of us, including me...just to comtemplate, there was no critizing intended....

and yes, I feel your hurt is extremely painful...for you and to you, and perhaps I'm wrong, but I do feel you become very angry with some of the posts.  Sorry, perhaps I was wrong? And yes, it is hard sometimes to understand a person's intent who is posting b/c we can't see each other's faces and emotions.  There are many times when my posts are taken wrong, and many others due to that...or, we're in a hurry and we want to reply, however, it comes out perhaps condiscending...I'm not pointing fingers or critizing, and I really wish we would and could all stop looking for the negative in our posts and just have conversations, that is all I was trying to relate...we're here to help the DIL's see our points of view, and they are here to help us see there's, and we're all very fortunate to have each other to help each other along...

I to apologize if my words are taken out of context...yanno, sometimes I wish we could all get together and just talk straight with each other, b/c it is really difficult and frustrating sometimes, due to being afraid, someone is going to take offense or be hurt...
I know a whole lot of us feel that way.

Thanks Pen for clearing my head, really appeciate your patience.

Creme

[RedRose]

Creme...I am sorry for my  bad reaction to Miss_Priss' post..I never said she was wrong...

Thank-you Pen and barelythere for seeing my words were of understanding

[barelythere]

Creme...I am sorry for my  bad reaction to Miss_Priss' post..I never said she was wrong...

Thank-you Pen and barelythere for seeing my words were of understanding

Dear RedRose,
Sending you a wonderful year the rest of this year....you can't help but be understanding.  You are such a great person. 

[luise.volta]

When we hit a brick wall, we are always speaking of those who don't/won't work through issues respectfully....MILs and DILs alike. That's what brought most of us here. We have many experiences to share and perspectives to air bu the common denominator is the lack of mutual understanding and compassionate communication. Sending love...

[Hope]

I think of it (triangulation) as one person refusing to tell another person, directly, what is going on. So she tells a third person. Nothing gets resolved that way...and a lot of distortion can occur. Sending love...

Luise,
That really makes sense.  You have a way of getting to the heart of things without too many words.  Bravo!  You are a genius and I love you!
Hugs, Hope

[luise.volta]

Love right back atcha!