The article my mom sent to me that opened my eyes

[2chickiebaby]

Thank goodness I have all of you. I can express myself here. We're blessed

[cocobars]

AMEN! 

[Marilyn]

Yes we are very blessed to have this site and each other.

Chickie,your right about how your DIL rewards your son for doing what she wants.They are like puppets on a string.And abusers hate criticism,they can't admit they are wrong.

Please stay strong,please.knowledge is power.It really is,power to see whats going on,and to protect yourself from more hurt and pain.Our sons will eventually start getting depressed,and need to know we will be there for them.If we shut them out totally,they will feel like they have no options,just what the abuser wants.This creates a feeling of total dependence and our sons begin to think that they need the abuser.All we can do is not react and play into the game,it makes it look like we are the problem.

[cocobars]

Yes we are very blessed to have this site and each other.

Chickie,your right about how your DIL rewards your son for doing what she wants.They are like puppets on a string.And abusers hate criticism,they can't admit they are wrong.

Please stay strong,please.knowledge is power.It really is,power to see whats going on,and to protect yourself from more hurt and pain.Our sons will eventually start getting depressed,and need to know we will be there for them.If we shut them out totally,they will feel like they have no options,just what the abuser wants.This creates a feeling of total dependence and our sons begin to think that they need the abuser.All we can do is not react and play into the game,it makes it look like we are the problem.

This makes so much sense!

[2chickiebaby]

Good points, Coco...very good. The only thing is that to get to him, I must go through her, always.  No talking to him by myself.  That is not allowed.  It's hard.

[Marilyn]

Chickie WHAT? you have to go thru her..........i didn't know that WHY?

[2chickiebaby]

When we call, she answers the phone, cannot get through to him

[Marilyn]

She wont let you talk to him?

[2chickiebaby]

MominW....you just know not to ask.  I can't explain it.  It is something you feel you cannot do. 

[cocobars]

Oh Chickie!  This is an awful situation!  This is the exact same thing my DIL (sons wife) did with me.  They finally split though.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and they may work things out, but for me to be able to actually talk to him for the first time in over a year?  I can't begin to tell you how good it felt!

[Pen]

It's horrible to go through that. My thoughts are with you. We've had a little taste of that treatment from our DIL and from my stepmother. DS isn't completely sucked in yet, but it may yet happen (I hope and pray not.) My dad is a lost cause, completely dominated and isolated from us.

[cocobars]

Penstamen, I'm sorry about your Dad.  Does he know she has isolated him that way?  If he doesn't, he must feel so unloved.  Is there some way you can reach him, even for just a moment and tell him you love him and will be there for him?

You are going through the same thing Chickie is, but with your Dad. 

[Pen]

Yes, it's similar. Some of the same dynamics are there. However, Dad's not blameless - he did his own kind of damage when married to mom. We still recognize him as our dad and look out for him as much as we can, but her family is now his family and we're nothing compared to them. He made his bed, so to speak. She keeps him in rags while she shops at Saks (he's pretty much dependent on her.) We noticed he had no winter coat, so we bought one. I hope she hasn't "put it in storage" like our other gifts to him. Maybe we'll get it back in a box marked "junk" like the gifts we sent her.

It's a totally messed up situation, and now DIL is trying to cut DS from the herd. There's nothing I can do but be here for him, miss him, and go on with my life. The emptiness remains, but maybe one day it won't hurt so much.

[cocobars]

I hope someday it won't hurt so much for you either! 

Sending you love, penstamen!  I hope you feel it!

[Pen]

Thanks, got it! And back to you, Coco.