The article my mom sent to me that opened my eyes

[thesecondwife]

My mom sent me an article that encouraged me to do more research and ultimately take back my life:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/2.shtml

    
Verbal Abuse and its Devastating Impact
By Patricia Evans
Verbal Abuse is insidious.
Verbal Abuse is endemic.
Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.
Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making
Verbal Abuse usually occurs in secret.

If you've heard,
     "You're Too Sensitive"
          you've heard verbal abuse.

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse—especially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them. Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind. In other words, they may act out their anger.

The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not.

[Marilyn]

Respect Checklist
Your rights in a relationship:

If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or girlfriend:

 is willing to compromise
 lets you feel comfortable being yourself
 is able to admit to being wrong
 tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
 enables you to feel safe being with them
 respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
 accepts you saying no to things you don't want to do (like sex)
 accepts you changing your mind
 respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship


When someone loves you, you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.

Think about your relationship - do you feel respected?

 

[Marilyn]

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that one person uses to try to control and dominate another person. Research shows that the most common pattern is male-to-female abuse in a relationship. However, girls and women can also be abusive in relationships. (See the section below for statistics)

Inequalities in our society and different expectations about how men and women should behave can explain why it is most commonly boys or men who are abusive in relationships. In our society, men have traditionally been expected to be in control, tough or 'macho', dominant and aggressive. Some guys think that they have to dominate girls and 'keep them in line' so they can see themselves as a 'real man'. Our society also encourages men to see girlfriends as their possessions, and to see sex as a kind of competition (like when guys say "did you score?") rather than being part of a relationship with another person.

Men who are abusive often have these sorts of attitudes towards girlfriends and women in general. Violence and abuse is often used as a way to try and control your behaviour, so that you only do things that he wants you to do. A person who is abusive gets certain benefits from their behaviour, including getting their own way, getting attention and sense of power and importance.

Girls and women are also influenced by social expectations, which say that girls should be passive and should try to please others rather than think of their own needs. Traditionally in marriage women have been expected to 'love, honour and obey' their husbands. Our society encourages girls to believe that their relationship is the most important thing in their lives, or that they are worthless without a boyfriend.

Social attitudes play a big role in allowing abuse to continue by excusing the abuser from taking responsibility. A common attitude is that 'she provoked it', as though women deserve abuse because of their behaviour. Also often people will say "Why does she put up with it? Why doesn't she just break up with him?". This implies that it's somehow her fault or there is something wrong with her because she stays. But really the only person to blame for the abuse is the person who is being abusive.

No matter what you do, you don't deserve violence or abuse.

 

[Pen]

Good article! I agree with MomIW about people being seen as possessions. IMO the devaluing/dehumanizing of another person makes it possible for an abuser to hurt his/her victim. We've often said here that we and DS seem to be treated as objects, not with the acceptance and compassion one would expect from a loved one.

[Marilyn]

Isolating Behavior
A “favorite” of abusers is to isolate their partners from family or friends. This type of isolation is often very common and often represents the first step in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner will attempt to set up an “us versus them” attitude and will begin isolating family members. This can work through the abuser's use of jealousy, controlling behavior or veiled concern.

The abusive partner may often try to undermine family or friends and cause you to lose trust in them, making himself or herself into the only person you feel comfortable around.

[2chickiebaby]

I can't say it openly because I fear too much will be revealed but just suffice it to say, I get it.  Boy, do I get it.

Prima-donna child, made to behave perfectly, win contests so the family would look perfect,  even though the other siblings were "not good according to parents", she looked perfect and made the parents look outstanding and to be admired in the community.  All their self-esteem hinged on her perfection.

When we objected to any of her requests, we were objects of secret, unknown to our son, rages from her on the phone.  Cruel beyond words the things she said. 

I'm going to take this post down as soon as possible so I hope all who can read it do read it.  It's sick. There is so much more.

[cocobars]

It would be interesting to know if these relationships last a lifetime, or wither and die after time.  Do you know of any articles that discuss that?  Also, if any studies are done regarding the ones that may last, if it is men or women who tend to stay in these the longest...

[cocobars]

Rages from her on the phone?  Did you ever tell your son about that?

[2chickiebaby]

I don't know, Coco...I know he will stay....she's loaded.  Our son is very controlled...this really opened my eyes.  So sad~!!

[2chickiebaby]

You can just feel that you can't speak to him about it.  She controls everything.  All is done to make her happy, even at our expense. 

[cocobars]

Chickie, I would view him the same way you view a prisoner with controlled visits.  All you can do is be there and continue to love him through it.  I believe you will have him back someday, and then - he will be able to talk to you openly and honestly.  I wouldn't think for a moment he doesn't love you.  He just can't show that.  It's so sad, but probably is very true.

[2chickiebaby]

I hope you're right, Coco....I don't want them to breakup because there are children involved and as long as he does what she wants, he gets rewarded. 

I just hurt for his brother, who married a girl the DIL doesn't like.  He can't have him in their lives.  Anyone who doesn't do her bidding is out.  But, if you try to include her and she doesn't want that, you get booted out too. Nothing works..to her, it's trying to control her.

I think she suffers from deep down insecurity. She must appear perfect at all cost. It must be very hard living like that.  She's terrified of blame.  Will not say she's sorry, ever. 

It's a complicated thing...horribly sick.

[cocobars]

She's probably afraid to go into counselling, then.  In that arena, couples find themselves saying their sorry alot!  LOL!  It's part of the growing process to "understand" your partner and how they felt about things.  Do you think they ever tried that?

[2chickiebaby]

NO!!  They don't think they need any counciling.  It's obvious that she (CDIL) is a narcissist and would never do that.  I fell for her and her tricks and it has just makes me sick that I used myself as her working slave. For nothing!

Oh!! I wish I could tell my other son, who has been pushed out what kind of person CDIL is. I think he would feel better knowing this.  I can't, though. If it ever got back to CDIL, I would be finished.

DDIL has done her fair share too to destroy us so I'm in a no-win situation. 

[cocobars]

You're in my thoughts and prayers daily, Chickie.  I really hope this situation will change someday for you.  It's a question of how long will this go on.  Their children will grow up and -no matter what the DIL's do now, they will walk in your shoes.  It's unavoidable.  I believe you will have your sons back.  I hope someday you can look back at this and be glad it's over and proud that you kept yourself in check.  You have alot to be proud of right now.  Keeping your feelings to yourself is so very hard sometimes. 

You feel as though you are watching your children jump off a cliff, over and over...