grandbabies

[millie]

son has no backbone....DIL is insecure, immature, little girl...and wants nothing to do with us...Son lets her do talking and only states "shes the most important person in my life" (DUH)!
they live five minutes away in small town and have not seen grnadbabies in two yrs!! now neighbors children (same age) are playing ball together feels awful...what to do?  Husband wants to leave them alone..so have no support any advice?  have tried in past to extend the olive branch but never works...just get rebuked...but what about children? help!

[jkm426]

Go to the games and CHEER your grandkids on.... You are their grandparents and no one can stop you from going and ENJOYING your grandchildren's accomplishments.  At least this way you can "see" and support the kids and they will know you love and support them no matter what their mother tries to say.   Be NIKE and just do it.

[cocobars]

Hi millie!  Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear about this situation, but to be honest with you I agree with Anna and jkm.  I think Anna's idea is great about the neighbors!  I would go with them to watch the games.  That way, you're not really pressuring your DS and DIL for visits.  You are there with your neighbors!  Go get um! 

In the end, you never know where this could lead!  Sounds like someone shut a door and God opened a window!  That's better than lucky!

[Marilyn]

Mille welcome,i agree also,go to the games.If i lived close to my GC thats what i would do.Son and DIL can't keep you from going.And your GC will always remember you being there,for them.Take pictures and cheer them on.

[millie]

I guess the reason I'm hesitant to go is...the look on my grandaughters face if she sees me, possible rejection from my son (again) it brings all the pain back..or am I just thinking of myself?

I know my DIL will find out...does that mean she will be there next week? Oh geez! that ice cube could melt a glacier....

then theres the issue of putting the neighbors (whom will probably have contact with them again over the years becuase of the kids ages) in the middle of this...that somehow doesn't seem right....

Louise, help!

[cocobars]

What do you feel in your heart is right?  Can you stay away from your GC's games and avoid your neighbor's because your DS or DIL might be there?  Is there a chance that you may be able to talk to DS and break some ice?  I know this is a hard situation for you, and easier for us to tell you our opinions, than it is for you to decide! 

If it were me, I would go with the neighbor's on the off "chance" that I might be able to see my son and GK's.  I would also try to talk to him and tell him how much I love and miss him.  But, that's just me.  I believe that kind of a chance is worth taking.  At the most, it won't work out, but I would still know in my heart that I tried to mend fences.  Sometimes my efforts work and sometimes they don't.  That's just my opinion and I know it's alot more involved for you and scary. 

There would be more things I would consider also.  Like when is the game, how close are you to your neighbors, do they know about this situation, and finally - will they hold it against you for going to a game and trying to tell your son how much you miss him?  I would guess not.  But if it doesn't work out, then what would you have lost?

I understand your dilemma and your hesitation.  I guess what I'm trying to say is to think about the pro's and con's.  Make a list if you have to, but for me it all boils down to consequences.  What's to lose that hasn't already been lost?  What could be gained?  I think you have a great opportunity to reach out to them!  I also believe you love them!  It's your chance to take and I wish I could make it easier for you!

I hope this works out for you and I believe it will.  I know it's a scary thought for you right now.  Taking chances isn't always easy to think about, much less to do!

Hugging you!

Luise, do you have some thoughts on this?

[Marilyn]

Millie,i feel so bad for you,the fear of rejection or making things worse than they already are,is just awful, awful.If you could talk to your son,like Coco suggested it might turn out good.You could maybe let him know you would like to be part of the solution,not the problem.Maybe ask what you could do to make things better.You have a 50,50 chance things could get better.

I'm sure Luise will have some input for you that will be helpful.

sending hugs

[luise.volta]

Hey, Millie...welcome back!  I'm afraid I stand alone in this. For all the reasons you feel hesitant, I think you need to stay away. Most importantly how shocked your grand kids might be if they spot you after not seeing you for two years...and having not been given any preparation. Why put them through that when no resolution has occurred? I think pulling the neighbors into the middle will also muddy the already dark waters, but it's the kids I'm worried about.

Do you recall, when you were active here before, the lady that wanted to see her grandchild baptized (or maybe it was christened,) when she wasn't invited? We had a poll then, too and tried to protect her from herself...but she went. It turned out to be torture for her to go and be an outsider and nothing was accomplished beyond reactivating and magnifying her pain. She ran no risk of confusing the grandchild in question, who was little and didn't know her...but my interpretation, from reading between the lines, was that it was the grandmother's undoing. 

It seems to me for every imagined advantage in going...there are huge counter-indications. I agree with your husband. I'm afraid that at the bottom of this may be your broken heart. It's not going to mend at the games...and I think the probability that it will break even more is very real.

If and when the conflict is resolved, don't you think it will have to be in a more conscious and direct venue? My loving suggestion is that you don't do this to yourself or to them.

[cocobars]

I'm happy you were here Luise!  And I believe if I wanted to take any advice, it would be yours.  You have the experience that none of us have, and I would have dove head-on into this, only to find out I was wrong!

Millie, I'm happy you asked for Luise!  You were wise in doing that!  I wouldn't want you going through that pain and nobody else considered that! 

By the way, don't forget about us!  Come back here and post as often as you need to!  We are here for you anytime!

I'm sending a big hug your way!  I hope you catch it and feel it!

[luise.volta]

M - It's really hard because none of us have a crystal ball available. The standard-issue ones we were given as moms are usually in the gut where we can't see them. We can only feel them. Beyond that, the wisest action is revealed in hind-sight. Most wisdom is there, it seems to me.

If I had a penny for every time I have said, "I wish I had thought of (or ignored) that, done (or not done) that, known (or not known) that...etc. I'd change my name to Luis Gates.

This beautiful e-place that we have created together is where we can sometimes get another point of view and/or a shot of courage. Compassion and understanding are rampant here. The unknown can terrify us and that's pretty much what life is made up of. We take what we mine here out into the r-world (real) and that often ups the odds for our survival. If you can, stay with us but at the same time, I think I'd take take this to the counselor you mentioned on another post that you've been  seeing for her feedback. When the smoke clears, you are alone with it...but we all "walk with you."

[cremebrulee]

son has no backbone....DIL is insecure, immature, little girl...and wants nothing to do with us...Son lets her do talking and only states "shes the most important person in my life" (DUH)!
they live five minutes away in small town and have not seen grnadbabies in two yrs!! now neighbors children (same age) are playing ball together feels awful...what to do?  Husband wants to leave them alone..so have no support any advice?  have tried in past to extend the olive branch but never works...just get rebuked...but what about children? help!

Hi Millie and welcome

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly selfish our son's are, to put up with living like this, and also, refusing to realize how horribly, they're wives affect so many other lives in such a negative mannor...Please know, we are all with you in thoughts and prayers.

Millie, after dealing with my DIL's rudeness for 10 years, I finally cut them out of my life for 2 years...I couldn't take it any longer...and had thought about doing it for such a long time.  You have to be one very strong cookie to endure that kind of pain....however, it does become easier as time passes...and believe me, it is never easy, so please believe, I'm not making light of the situation...

Everyone who knows anything about me and this situation, is constantly telling me the children do suffer, and if you can believe it or not....they're mother's do not care...they can't identify with the pain they are causing they're husbands and children...as they are mentally definciant...sorry, but it's true...anyone who does something like this really has serious problems, and for the longest time, I blamed her and not my son...but I can't help but blame him now.  These men, know us, and know how we raised them, and know we are not evil women...however....in order to deal with they're wives, they go along with it...and hence, contribute to the problem more so, then the wive...I believe they're priorities and loyalties really get confused....as well as, they do become like they're wives after living with them so long.

We must survive, and survival is the first and foremost key to each and everyone of us, hence, each one of us is different, therefore, it is difficult to understand your level of tollerance to this issue...meaning, how much are you willing to take, and how will you be if you do cut them out of your life?  It's very difficult and the hurt is unbearable...not to mention, for me, it was and always has been very embarrassing....however, I do receive an enourmous amount of support from not only my friends, but friends of my son's.  They all know my son's wife is dysfunctional...otherwise, this wouldn't be happening, is what they tell me. 

so, dear lady...what I suggest to you, is you deal with the consequences of the effects of your actions in your mind and heart...do a lot of soul searching and ask yourself, will you be able to deal with not having them in your life, and avoiding people that they are affiliated with? 

Whatever you decide, know your in my thoughts and prayers.....

I wish so much they'd have a talk show regarding this issue....b/c they're are so so many dysfunctional DIL's out there....

Hugs
Creme

[jkm426]

I would not want my grandchildren to think I didn't care about them and have them ask me why.....Your grandchildren will see(even if you don't speak) a caring grandmother, who did ALL she could just to see them.
Of course I am a very bold person and would dare my FDIL(the one who hates me) to stop me. I'd sit there, cheer and smile the whole time.   Luckily my oldest son's wife is one in a million(if they divorce I am keeping her) and my SIL is just another one of my boys.  But I can see my FDIL trying this stuff. 

[luise.volta]

jkm - I sure agree with you there! I have a former DIL that I have kept for the last 20 years. I don't care if they are divorced...we aren't! She is the daughter I never had and we love each other deeply. She calls my DH Dad and me Mom and she's 65 years old!  She's one of the greatest blessings in my life!

[millie]

Dear ones,

thank you all for the feedback...especially you luise....you helped me so much a couple of yrs ago when you first started.. can still remember how elated I felt when I found you!

for now girls, I'm staying away. My neighbor knows of the situation (she is the DIL I wish I had) and will take pictures for me...apparently her daughter is making friends with my Grandaughter! She however sees my DIL for the ice queen she is...

my husbands brother passed away on the 5th of this month (leukemia) so there have been a couple of brushes with my DS however quite superficial so far.. (the DIL didn't speak to anyone in the family during the funeral) but I am "letting go, and letting God" maybe forces (as in cousins) can work at reaching him...maybe not...anyway you are all so wise and after two years of this (actually eight, just two with no communication) I am also alot wiser then I was....therapy did help Luise....especially a boundaries group never realized how much I had let her walk on me before all this! probably other people as well...feels good to be stronger now! can actually sleep wiothout medication! (most of the time anyway) Oh! have also found a grandparents advocacy group here in my state...who has actually helped change a law for grandparent visitation...if anyone is interested will be glad to recommend the book and site..maybe you to can become a grandparent activist! 

Has anyone been confronted by grandbabies about not seeing you? what did you tell them? how did you handle that? and am I at the right place on this site?!!!

one more thing.....Luise, thank you for this site. I knew it was here these last two years but just unable to talk about it...but knowing you were here was so comforting..wish we could clone you!

my love and gratitude,

millie.

[cremebrulee]

I have not, my grand baby is only 7...however, not seeing her is very painful...and I fear sending anything to her, b/c DIL throws things out that I send, if my son is not around.  She also sent back a birthday card I sent to her for her birthday, with her birthday money...which speaks volumns. 

If I am still fortunate enough to be on this planet, when my Grand daugther grows up and comes looking for me...I don't know what I will say to her...main reason is, I expect her to be just like her mother...her mother will train her to dislike me...as she does....I can hear her now..."We don't like Creme"....and GC will follow suit....

If she does ask me why, I will be honest..and tell her that her mother didn't like me....and did everything she could to estrange me from they're lives...but I will also explain to her that her mother had a very bad childhood and was intimidated by me, by the love her father had for me, and did her best to see to it she was the center of attention at all times....and that meant, keeping me out of they're lives....she is the same way with my son's father, however, not nearly as bad...however, life centers around her, and if she doesn't want to call them, she won't...and my son's father and his stepmother can be very demanding...however, my DIL does use them to stay at they're home when they come up for visits...so, she will most certainly contain herself and not treat them they way she treats me.

I guess, I'll be as brief as possible if my GD asks me questions about this...but answer her questions honestly....without malace or vindictiveness...and  I hope by then, the anger of the hurt, does not show....

If my grand baby lived around here, and she had games and school concerts that I knew about, I'd go...stay off to the side, but go, and leave, without making it  evident that I was there...
except if she  came up to me, then I'd give her a big hug and tell her how good she did and how proud of her I was...

I wouldn't allow anyone else to keep me from her activities...