Why not my home for the holidays!

[his_rascal]

I was a single parent for most all the growing up years of my four children. As they grew up and started lives of their own, they came home often for visits. I don't now recall when this started but they hardly come at all now. My oldest I haven't seen for probably fours years but he does call once in a while. The next oldest has made plans to come home but then doesn't come. The two youngest, who live the closest, I probably don't seen them maybe twice a year. I used to make excuses (to myself) when they stopped coming that it was because their children are getting older. Then I got to thinking that my two youngest, who have children, have never spent a holiday (like Thanksgiving and Christmas) with me but with their in-laws. There may not be a remedy for this but it makes me sad and I just wanted someone to know how I feel.

[orphanedmominmn]

Wow. I see me in this. It makes me feel so guilty. I need to try so much harder to make time for my parents. 

I know that doesn't help you with your problem,rascal, but since you don't mention a problem with them -- just that they don't come -- I feel like it's not because they don't want to see you or be with you, life is just getting in the way. If I were you, I'd keep asking because I think if my parents asked (I believe they just expect us to show up once in awhile) -- anyway, if they asked, I'd go -- at least every other week or so.

As for the holidays, I started having holidays and invited my FOO (my sister does Thanksgiving -- she didn't want to have to do Christmas, too. My mom quit doing it years ago. My dad is in Texas at Christmas. My brother -- that won't ever happen.) So, I knew my son and X-Dil wouldn't come cuz they go to her parents, but I had other people here and guess what -- X-Dil started coming for desert the first year. The second year they were there for dinner. And then traded off until the divorce.

Hugs, Rascal!

[his_rascal]

Thanks for reading my post!  I really don't know why my kids don't come to visit more often and my two youngest, who are married, have always gone to their in-laws for Thanksgiving and Christmas and I would love for them to share their time with me maybe every other year!

[Pen]

Welcome, Rascal. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the pink-highlighted Forum Agreement (site policies) and How This Happened (the history of the site) under the topic Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

I feel your pain. My DS's IL's get the lion's share of weekends and holidays, and it hurts. There are a lot of wise women here who will weigh in on this, some from the DIL point of view and some from the MIL/mom point of view. Please keep reading and posting!

[Begonia]

Hi R:  Great that you come to this site.  There are bundles of wisdom here and a lot of women who are bewildered like you seem to be about your AC visits.  It is very sad and you are not alone in feeling that way.  Through reading here you will see we are a support for each other and that feels really good when the chips are falling down around us.

You don't say if you are a single woman now or have a DH.  You say you were a single parent and (if I am reading correctly) on this site many of us were single parents who now face this situation.  Believe me, I have spent hundreds of hours wondering what if this? and what about that?  This is tough baggage to pull around when there often is no answer.  Letting go is something you will hear a lot here.  Easier said than done.  Luise, the founder of this site, says something like, ~~~you were a person before you had children and you will still be a person if you are not in contact with them~~.

Finding an identity (besides mom and grandmom) is really important.  One thing I am doing is writing my adventure stories down so my GC will have them and know about my life, even if after I am gone.  Others do scrapbooks or travel or volunteer.  I am volunteering at our local Thanksgiving dinner place where we serve nearly 4,000 from the community. These are things that still give a sense of family and belonging without sitting home alone or pondering all the whys and wherefores.

The IL business is a very tender subject among us here.  Especially the DS who never spend a holiday with us after they get married. Read the posts from various perspectives and you will know we understand your pain.  Keep posting. 

[luise.volta]

R - Many of us have learned to some degree at least to have it be how it is. They are adults and at choice. That doesn't mean we have to like it when we are alone and facing our unfulfilled expectations. Sad.

Last Thanksgiving, my sort of son was coming up to the retirement center where I live to have dinner with me over in Assisted Care…where they put on quite a feast with all the trimmings. It snowed and he couldn't make it. So,I thought I "should" go over there anyhow so as not to be eating all alone. They were seating guests and moving people around and I was put at a table by myself. Go figure!  LOL!

This year (if the pass is open) the same, great guy it taking me to my sort of daughters for Thanksgiving on Thursday and then another big dinner again on Saturday when her adult kids can make it. Two celebrations!! And I am staying there for a week! :-)))

My surviving son lives in Hawaii…they do a beach fire after they eat. Isn't that a hoot?

[Pooh]

Hi Rascal.  Like the others said, many of us here struggle with our AC going to other places always for the holidays.  You are not alone in this.

[theseeker]

;/ my oldest lives 400 miles away its taken me 3 years to deal,then my youngest marries and moves 2 hrs away with my grandgirl, i am goin crazy without them. but i guess thats what were supposed to do? lol

[pam1]

Welcome Rascal

[Kate123]

Rascal, Tell your AC you would like to plan dinner at your house next Thanksgiving (2012). If they have a one year notice maybe they can make plans.

[Pen]

Good suggestion, Kate! A year's notice should be plenty of time 

[Eggshelz1]

Rascal I hope you have SOMEONE to do Thanksgiving with, or somewhere to go? If not then maybe you can host a lonely person?
And are you able to call you AC's? Do you have their phone numbers? At least you can break the cycle maybe by calling them all on Thanksgiving day or weekend. Leave messages if they don't answer and just know YOU did the right thing. Enjoy how loved they are by you. Yes! Enjoy that and be proud of yourself.
If I got it all wrong please forgive me. I have been in your shoes......cried all weekend of the holiday. Not good for the Soul.
Challenge yourself and change it up this time.
Pulling for you.........

[Nana]

Rascal

I also think that your adult children do not have any problems with you...they just got carried away with their lives.  As you never say nothing to them...they might think you dont mind. 

Try speaking to them and let them know you miss them and would like to see them more often and would love to have them for the holidays.  You never know....might work . 

I wish you luck

[Eggshelz1]

Hear hear Nana! Yes, Rascal...step out of THEIR comfort zone and be a Rascal! One thing I have noticed about AC-they totally underestimate us. They need to be surprised once in a while. We have to have a little mystery about ourselves to reveal at just the right moment. The shock and awe is fun to watch. And very rewarding.
Plan something fun to do just that. 

[firelight]

I feel your pain and my daughter doesn't even live out of town.  My heart is with you.  I am so glad to have found this site.  I doubt it is a coincidence.  It is very helpful that we can vent our feelings here and no longer feel so alone in this.  A lot of tears lately.   I found a quote that I nabbed and it says "it gets darkest before the dawn.....try not to panic."  So true.  I hope you try to have a somewhat Happy Thanksgiving, even if that means the pumpking pie with Cool Whip is the highlight of the day.  I am struggling also but bought a dab of fixins to get through it.  Thanking God for my blessings and praising Him for what He is doing in our lives, even if I don't understand it right now.