Counselors are human. They must try to be objective. It's their profession. Yet they're still burdened with their humanness. Our relationship with them is one-sided, because we don't know much, if anything, about their lives. But, they have lives nonetheless. If one of her stepchildren has late stage cancer, if her husband is telling her he's leaving her, then for her, someone
is dying, or her family
is shattered. To hear your family is shattered because you brought unwanted Christmas clothes, may have been too much for the person counselor, that session. However, I have NO IDEA if that's what she was doing (losing some objectivity).
This could very well have been a different approach she wanted to try with you. Especially if she's observed other approaches weren't effective with helping you feel better about your life when you're not in her office. You counselor can't change your DD. She can't even change you. She can only hope to help you change how you feel about troubles with your DD. Maybe she wanted to point out, for your perspective, the reality that fighting with your DD
doesn't mean your family is shattered.
My family has been my entire goal(53) It's the most important thing in the world to me. And to have it so shattered means I've failed at the only thing I've worked at
.
I validate you. You feel it's shattered. I validate your pain from the strife. I validate you feel like a failure because of the strife. It's real and it's yours. I believe your feelings are real! At the exact same time, though, I also don't believe your family's shattered. I don't beleive you're a failure AT ALL. And I mean that with hope, not invalidation. Your family is not the way you wanted it, but it's not completely destroyed.
And you, my love, are no failure. I
promise you this is true. Will
you believe
me?
And one fight, or a hundred fights, certainly doesn't EVER mean you're a failure. Colleen having a fight does NOT EQUAL Colleen is a failure. Colleen having a fight EQUALS Colleen and her DD want different things. It seems so closely linked, I know. But it's not the same thing. An illogical conclusion. Every time you wash the car it rains. It seems that way, but it doesn't mean washing the car equals rain, or causes rain. (I don't think!) A fight with your DD doesn't cause your failure. A fight is a fight. A fight is not always a catastrophe. (And I thank goodness for that on a semi-regular basis, myself).
I think what your counselor may have meant, is that just because someone gets angry at us and we feel like someone died, doesn't mean they died. Just because you feel like your family is shattered, doesn't mean they are. You and your daughter are having problems. Some of them are pretty easy to identify the cause of. And, it seems to me, the really good news is you do hold some power to prevent some of them. This is a very good "prognosis" for your relationship with her. This is hope.
Your DD asked you not to bring the christmas clothes, you brought them anyway, and DD got angry. This angry reaction is something that probably could have been predicted, with some forethought. You may have figuredshe'd get angry and decided you were willing to just deal with her anger anyway. Your DD, on the other hand, saw how her asking didn't work to get her heard. Your DD saw her responsive anger wasn't having the effect she wanted (for you to stop doing things she'd asked you not to, to her children). At that point, it appears DD, with her limited repetoire (asking, telling and anger), felt she had to kick her anger up a notch in hopes of getting through. Your DD said you can never see the GKs again. But I really don't think she meant it that way. I think DD was angry and she said things in the heat of anger. I think DD's anger was real. I don't think DD's "never again" statement was.
I suggest you tell her your counselor your feelings about this in your next session. Work it through with her. Ask her questions . Ask her to explain in detail what she means, and how she can help you. Learn what she's thinking about catastrophizing, and ask how you might stop falling into that pattern. It's her job to teach you that. Sometimes a counselor's job is not just to make us feel better immediately, but over the long term. And heck yes, it sure can be uncomfortable at first to hear someone's opinion of how we act. Especially when we don't see how it can fit with how we feel. Ouch!
That's why they say therapy takes work. Hard work doesn't always feel good, but the payoff usually does. Is it out of line to for your counselor to suggest a different perspective than tragedy? Old habits die hard. The payoff for not feeling like every fight with DD is a tragedy, seems to be it's own reward. There's going to be more fights. I think it might be very, very nice to be able to develop the new habit of not feeling catastrophe and failure every time it happens.
Step back from what the counselor said for a day or two. Then mull it over for a day or two. Then decide the questions you want to ask her about what she said. We never know unless we ask, right? Sending you love and strength. We're in your corner.
