My only adult daughter finds fault in everything I do

[Sassy]

I think sometimes we might be testing more than just limits when we test limits?  On some level, we might be testing their love, and using their willingness to discard their limits as a measure.  It isn't an accurate measure.

We may think, "If they loved me, they'd go past their limits, for me."  They may think, "If she respected me, she'd respect my limits."  I'm afraid we might be setting ourselves up for hurt,  by creating "dropping limits" as our false test for love.  I don't know if I can say someone having their limits respected, or not, would be a false test for respect. 

[Sassy]

Sorry for the multiple posts.  If I could, I would add this to my most recent post.  (And fix the italics  )

In my previous analogy,  we see just how much willingness to drop limits is a false measure of love.  The adult daughter may use her mother's limits on how much money her mother is willing to give her, as a test for love.    The daughter says, and feels in her heart,  "If you really loved me mom, then you'd drop your limits, and you'd give me as much as I wanted."  We can see there, how her mother's limits are not at all an accurate measure of her mother's love.  We can also see how disrespected the mother would begin to feel, if her daughter insisted that one was a measure of the other.

[Pooh]

I am a texter.  It's my preferred method of contact with people.  My Mother owns a cell phone and doesn't text at all.  I can't imagine telling her that she has to learn to text or I'm not letting her see GC.  I know my Mother doesn't text and has no desire to learn.  So I call her and she calls me.  On her end, she understands that I can't always talk and will leave a voicemail, knowing I will call back when I can.  I can answer and say "Sorry, I'm in the middle of something.  Can I call you back?  And she will say, "Yep."  She doesn't push me...I don't push her.  It has to work from both sides.  Such an easy solution...compromise.

That being said, I do agree with Sassy that if a person is not willing to compromise or feels their limits are correct for them, you have no choice but to accept their limits or don't accept their limits.

As far as Veteran's Day, that was rude and hurtful, IMO.

[Pen]

I'm eager to read the book, thanks for mentioning it.

Pooh, you and your mom are delightful. I think my mom & I would have a similarly easy relationship if she were here. She never fretted about stuff like that.

I think when people set down rigid rules and then use them to cut people off, it was part of their agenda from the beginning. They were just waiting for a way to make it happen, IMO.

[Eggshelz1]

My vote for Post of the Year.
I want to print this out and read it like a prayer all throughout the holidays. Pure Wisdom.

I think sometimes we might be testing more than just limits when we test limits?  On some level, we might be testing their love, and using their willingness to discard their limits as a measure.  It isn't an accurate measure.

We may think, "If they loved me, they'd go past their limits, for me."  They may think, "If she respected me, she'd respect my limits."  I'm afraid we might be setting ourselves up for hurt,  by creating "dropping limits" as our false test for love.  I don't know if I can say someone having their limits respected, or not, would be a false test for respect.

[TiredOfBeingHated]

Hello - i'm new to this forum.  And to me, it's really odd that i felt pulled to respond to THIS post, because I feel that my children don't appreciate me either.

However...when i was raising my son and daughter, things like your above mentioned situation would happen - i would call my mom at the last minute and let her know i wasn't going to go with the 'plan'.  She never questioned it, or seemed hurt - it never occurred to me that it would hurt her!  She just always went along with whatever whim i had at the moment.

BUT - i was always very nice, very respectful of my mom.  I never insulted or tore her down her entire life, still haven't (i'm 52).  I think if i had treated her badly, things would've gone differently.

I do think sometimes we have to demand that people act in a positive manner around us, or leave our home, our 'comfort area'.  I love what Maya Angelou says about this, about not allowing negativity in our home.

I'm just now learning that people will treat me however i allow them to, even and especially my husband and children.  I am in the process now of letting them know in many ways what i will and won't put up with anymore. 

Sometimes it's just a matter of opening your mouth and stating your terms!!

As for those grandkids...your daughter needs YOU much more than you need her, as far as baby sitting needs, relying on you for all that mommy knowledge she hasn't acquired yet, emergencies, etc.  While i don't yet have grandchildren, I am doing my best to gently guide my kids, on their own levels/needs, to treat me the way i want to be treated, because i've allowed myself to be a doormat all my life and i'm so sick of it.

good luck, and #1:  be true to yourself!!!  Everything else will fall in line.

[RedRose]

I hate texting and never do it. I do not carry my cellphone around with me constantly. If my children want to talk to me about anything they use the phone. I don't stop them from texting.
If they leave a message I call them back.
Limits have noting to do with it...IMO

[Keys Girl]

RedRose, you said it.  I hate texting and never do it.  Anyone who wants to see me knows that I read my email all the time.  I'm a bit of a dinosaur, but since I remember horse drawn milk and ice carts in my early days, I think I've adapted pretty well!

[Pen]

Welcome, TiredofBeingHated. Great first post! I'm glad you found us.

If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened (both highlighted in pink) under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

[TiredOfBeingHated]

Yes.   I read both of them.   twice. 

[Pen]

Good for you! The quiz is on Wednesday.